Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you blaming only one person? It’s not as if he didn’t know what wes going on.

I blame them both. But more her because she never worked so I would think she would at least know her financial status. I don’t know why she keeps spending so much.

My husband blames his dad for not keeping an eye on things himself.

How is this any of your business?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you blaming only one person? It’s not as if he didn’t know what wes going on.

I blame them both. But more her because she never worked so I would think she would at least know her financial status. I don’t know why she keeps spending so much.

My husband blames his dad for not keeping an eye on things himself.

Sounds like you resent her because she was a SAHM and you can't afford that with the money your husband makes.

Op here. Very big leap about me. I don’t resent her at all. I’m actually going to stay home after I deliver my baby and my husband makes more than enough thank you.
In a way I think my husband actually resents her because he had to pay for his college and she had the opportunity to save for it and didn’t. That’s the only resentment I can think of.

DP. I agree with the poster you're responding to that you seem to have a very big chip on your shoulder. As far as your husband having to pay for his own college experience, well, whatever. Almost 60% of all college graduates pay for their own college expenses (tuition, room/board). Your husband is in the majority. It is a luxury to have it any other way.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's so funny that you hold the MIL completely responsible for the straits they are in but give the FIL a pass. Really sexist of you. Did the MIL hide the bills from the FIL for all these years? Did the FIL spend nothing? It takes two to tango.

I hold them both responsible

No, you don't. Read your title. You SAY you hold them both responsible but you're blaming your MIL. Really, you sound as immature and irresponsible as your MIL and FIL. I feel very sorry for your DH.

5k for 2 healthy people is easy.

But it's not going to pay for nursing care, so what they'll do is deplete their savings until they go to a Medicare facility.

My parents live in SoCal, so you know it's expensive. They are retired, on a fixed income. They spend like $2800/month. They are in their 80s so they don't do much.

Your ILs can definitely live on $5K/month. They won't go hungry, or be homeless. She will just not be able to buy stuff.

Close all the credit cards, and have him freeze their credit so that she can't open more credit cards.

Buy everything in cash. Stop using credit cards.

Anonymous wrote:Backstory of my MIL:

She met my FIL when he made lots of money and decided to marry him. She stayed home once they got married and had kids a few years after. She has always stayed home. FIL few years later lost his job and had to seek a lower paying job which MIL didn’t like. She still spent the same amount charging credit cards like they were still wealthy.

Now to find out, she has over 500,000 in debt and FIL makes $50k/year. FIL pays the debt off by selling their expensive items and home so they can clear their debt. MIL got anxious about her debts and didn’t want to be in the know.

Today, FIL told her that they will only have 5k/ month in retirement. MIL wants my husband to make up more $ to pay for her lifestyle. My husband and I are on the same page and are shocked to hear about this.

What would you do? MIL still spends the same and never looks at her statements. She expects them to be paid off. Do we stay out of it or help FIL get a backbone?

Because MiL asked you to pick up slack I would definitely call a family mtg. Sibs need to know that they are on their own as their parents cannot support them. From there, you also say no money from you as you need to save for retirement, college etc.

Then help them with a budget. That’s it. Is this a culture expectation? Cannot imagine my m/ mil asking this of us. And two grown sibs expecting parents for money they don’t have. They need to know there is no money. Be kind but honest.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would do nothing. Not my monkeys mot my circus.

I'd be real careful comparing humans to monkeys if I were you. It's racist.

DP. Stop trying to derail the conversation with your trolling. If you aren't a troll, try googling it. It's not racist, it isn't comparing people to monkeys. It's describing a crazy situation that you don't need to do anything about.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They should declare bankruptcy. Your DH has to make it crystal clear to his mother that you and he will not be finding their retirement. Your DH should tell her straight to her face that she has to stop spending and become an adult. Does your DH have any siblings who can join the discussion and present a united front?

Me again. I see there are siblings who are on their way to being financially useless. Your DH should sit down with those siblings and discuss the dire circumstances of their parents’ massive debt and unrealistic financial expectations. He should also encourage them to develop financial independence by working at better jobs. Do they have college degrees, or what’s their plan? Do they also expect your DH to help them out financially?

Op here. Thanks PP for your advice. They do have college degrees in liberal arts. In the back of our minds we’re scared that when ILs are no longer here, we’re expected to financially help. I don’t know how I would approach this subject. Would it be too premature ?

Your DH needs to set expectations sooner than later. My own parents used to financially support my dad's siblings many decades ago, but that was mainly because he was the only one in the family to earn a college degree and get a decent job, while the siblings were low achieving. Fortunately my mom was fully on board and there was value in helping the less fortunate. However, it became a bottomless pit, and the other side of the coin is that there was hardly any breathing room in our family finances, and growing up my sibling and I never had any spending money. It gave me anxiety, even decades later. You do not want to take on that responsibility, especially as they are able bodied and college educated.

OP, both of your inlaws are responsible here. Both of them. Your FIL has/had agency, he saw and paid those credit card bills every month, he knew, FOR YEARS.

1) it is THEIR money. Just because she was a SAHM doesn't mean it wasn't joint money. This really bugs me. They were a team. Is she bad with money? Sounds like a yes. Should she have had free reign to get so far in debt. Sounds like a definite no. But she spent their money.

2). FIL gets no free pass because he just does nothing to stop it. Doing nothing is also a choice. Be made this choice. He knew. She didn't open secret credit cards and rack up secret debt. So stop saying she did this all by herself or that she is more to blame.And it looks like the 20 something sisters are just as bad, can't pay their bills, don't have good jobs.

3) don't give them ANY money. NONE. I've BTDT with my own family. I learned the hard way. it won't work, They will keep asking over and over again. Learn from me. It is their problem.

Honestly they should declare bankruptcy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They should declare bankruptcy. Your DH has to make it crystal clear to his mother that you and he will not be finding their retirement. Your DH should tell her straight to her face that she has to stop spending and become an adult. Does your DH have any siblings who can join the discussion and present a united front?

Me again. I see there are siblings who are on their way to being financially useless. Your DH should sit down with those siblings and discuss the dire circumstances of their parents’ massive debt and unrealistic financial expectations. He should also encourage them to develop financial independence by working at better jobs. Do they have college degrees, or what’s their plan? Do they also expect your DH to help them out financially?

Op here. Thanks PP for your advice. They do have college degrees in liberal arts. In the back of our minds we’re scared that when ILs are no longer here, we’re expected to financially help. I don’t know how I would approach this subject. Would it be too premature ?

Nothing wrong with liberal arts degrees. They can still get full time jobs. If they are not listening to dh, perhaps he can talk to FIl first. Years ago dh and I had an appointment with a financial advisor to track how we were doing towards retirement and if we needed to save more etc. For those of you who are old enough, like the articles they used to do in Money Magazine to give you an overall sense of your financial picture.

To all of us, it is obvious that your mil needs to cut down her spending and that your sils can’t be financially dependent on your in-laws indefinitely. But it seems like it is not obvious to them. I don’t know if they will listen to your dh. But they may listen to an independent third party which is why I suggested bringing someone in for a talk.

I don’t care how well you and your dh do - having to support four additional adults is a large undertaking as you clearly know. The sisters should be getting full time jobs yesterday.

My grandfather’s first two wives died young of cancer. Wife number three was horrible and presented herself as Mary Poppins, there to raise his motherless kids.

At the time grandfather was a successful partner in a law firm. Fast forward several decades, the couple died in the equivalent of a trailer park without a penny.

Wife number three spent it all on redecorating the house every year or two, and lord knows what else. And my grandfather, who was a tyrant when arguing a case at court, let the women in life control him.

(Truth is an IRS audit also helped to deplete their retirement savings, not just her spending habits, but she wasted crazy amounts.)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is really a family problem. FIL needs to get rid of all credit and they need to pay cash. They need to save monthly for taxes and insurance and spend only what’s left. $5k is easily doable but will be far from the life they had expected I am sure.

What is this wrench of adult kids who are still dependent? In what way? I have a special needs kid who lives with us but has a job to pay his own expenses. He costs me minimal for food and I could actually make him pay that. That kind of dependence or your ILs pay their rent and send them living expenses? The latter is not sustainable.

They have twin daughters (in their 20s) who make close to minimum wage and at the end of month need help to pay their bills for the month such as car insurance, phone bills, etc

They aren’t special needs but do little jobs here and there

PP here. Yeah this isn’t sustainable. They need to give them a deadline and let them know they are on their own after that point the economy isn’t bad for jobs so that should happen.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would do nothing. Not my monkeys mot my circus.

I'd be real careful comparing humans to monkeys if I were you. It's racist.

Also not my problem.

Anonymous wrote:Would they qualify for subsidized housing? I would help with paperwork. I am sorry this is such a mess.

Thanks PP, I’ll look into that. They probably would!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They should declare bankruptcy. Your DH has to make it crystal clear to his mother that you and he will not be finding their retirement. Your DH should tell her straight to her face that she has to stop spending and become an adult. Does your DH have any siblings who can join the discussion and present a united front?

Me again. I see there are siblings who are on their way to being financially useless. Your DH should sit down with those siblings and discuss the dire circumstances of their parents’ massive debt and unrealistic financial expectations. He should also encourage them to develop financial independence by working at better jobs. Do they have college degrees, or what’s their plan? Do they also expect your DH to help them out financially?

Op here. Thanks PP for your advice. They do have college degrees in liberal arts. In the back of our minds we’re scared that when ILs are no longer here, we’re expected to financially help. I don’t know how I would approach this subject. Would it be too premature ?