Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Life isn’t perfect but most of my divorced or single friends wish they had my marriage.

I do not know any divorced woman who wishes she was married.

I know a few that thought their AP would leave his wife so they left their husbands. They wish they were married to him, but he ain’t divorcing.

This is so common! The married woman thinks, "Oh, I could be with a better man, I'm out of here . . ." The married man thinks, "Oops, my side piece is trying to become my main piece . . . "

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Life isn’t perfect but most of my divorced or single friends wish they had my marriage.

I do not know any divorced woman who wishes she was married.

I know a few that thought their AP would leave his wife so they left their husbands. They wish they were married to him, but he ain’t divorcing.

Ugh, yes. I buy way too much on Amazon etc., and I spend way too much time on my electronics.

I also think electronics just makes us lazier and makes us feel like we are doing more than we are.

Anonymous wrote:I have wondered lately why there are so many make your own bed gurus out there. Maybe our big houses and stuff from Amazon lend themselves to messiness? In smaller houses you couldn't really live that way.

Yes! That is such a good point. People have so much stuff that the acquisition, maintenance, and eventual disposal of the stuff consumes time that is already precious. Or you spend time and money finding some help to deal with the stuff. Same with big houses and multiple cars and big vacations etc. etc.

I have wondered lately why there are so many make your own bed gurus out there. Maybe our big houses and stuff from Amazon lend themselves to messiness? In smaller houses you couldn't really live that way.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve realized I’m a lot more calm, organized, upbeat when he’s not around…

OP. That’s how I feel. My life is so much better when H is out of town. I eat healthy at every meal (he only does takeout on his dinner nights). I have time for my hobbies, even with all the kid duties. The house is clean because his stuff isnt scattered everywhere. I can go to bed on time, I don’t have to stay up late with him out of a sense of obligation. Work/life balance is better.

I think this is how the neater/more organized spouse feels in every marriage. It doesn't have to mean that the marriage is finished, though. You have to accept some mess and compromise to be close with others.

My house growing up was neat enough in every room. Sure there was mess maybe in one area of the house at a time, but that lasted for 2 days max other than a pile of papers on one table in the office. Never more than a week other than the papers. People knew how to put stuff away after they used it at least eventually when they had a moment to clean up.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve realized I’m a lot more calm, organized, upbeat when he’s not around…

OP. That’s how I feel. My life is so much better when H is out of town. I eat healthy at every meal (he only does takeout on his dinner nights). I have time for my hobbies, even with all the kid duties. The house is clean because his stuff isnt scattered everywhere. I can go to bed on time, I don’t have to stay up late with him out of a sense of obligation. Work/life balance is better.

I think this is how the neater/more organized spouse feels in every marriage. It doesn't have to mean that the marriage is finished, though. You have to accept some mess and compromise to be close with others.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel this. My wife is dead energy. She isn't remotely fun anymore. So I go out a lot without her, but then come back to her dead energy. I also have a lot more music playing when she is out of town. The kids and I have more fun without her type a controlling behavior.

It's hard to come to the realization, but it is what it is. I assume this is why there are so many gray divorces.

I bet you are the "fun dad" and do none of the mental work, enforcement, or heavy lifting generally of parenting.

But not fun when she's around because it's her. I love it when these people get divorced and then their kids become a mess because fun dad can't actually work through anything other than entertainment and the mom finally gets to give up as each child realizes that fun dad is way more fun and what's the point of homework and cleaning the house anyway? And then society gets to blame it all on the schools.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Life isn’t perfect but most of my divorced or single friends wish they had my marriage.

I do not know any divorced woman who wishes she was married.

I do. They wish they had his marriage. Not any old marriage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Life isn’t perfect but most of my divorced or single friends wish they had my marriage.

I do not know any divorced woman who wishes she was married.

They would if they married the right person in the first place.

That is not the point.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Life isn’t perfect but most of my divorced or single friends wish they had my marriage.

I do not know any divorced woman who wishes she was married.

They would if they married the right person in the first place.

Anonymous wrote:Life isn’t perfect but most of my divorced or single friends wish they had my marriage.

I do not know any divorced woman who wishes she was married.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve realized I’m a lot more calm, organized, upbeat when he’s not around…

OP. That’s how I feel. My life is so much better when H is out of town. I eat healthy at every meal (he only does takeout on his dinner nights). I have time for my hobbies, even with all the kid duties. The house is clean because his stuff isnt scattered everywhere. I can go to bed on time, I don’t have to stay up late with him out of a sense of obligation. Work/life balance is better.

I hear you.

Thanks

Even like….I love keeping my closet a beautiful space with everything organized and pictures that I love, so getting ready in the morning is a joy. But then I see his two mountains of laundry and shoes scattered everywhere, and it just kills my whole vibe.

I guess it’s more of a lifestyle thing? I want a joyful life, with a beautiful home and delicious, nourishing foods. And then when I see the clutter everywhere and eat greasy takeout it just brings my whole energy level down.

That's cause you didn't actually love him. An errant sock is no big deal if you're with someone you truly love.

But isn't it mutual? If the H actually loved her and cared about what made her happy, it wouldn't be a big deal to try to be somewhat organized or work on it at least?

That only works if she TELLS him what she's thinking and feeling. I get no impression that she has talked to him about her need for a particular "lifestyle thing" as she puts it.

If she thinks that just repeating, "Please clean up your stuff" and "Can we get different takeout?" are the same as communicating her real problem and her real unhappiness--she is wrong, and is failing to communicate the actual issue. Some sessions with a counselor experienced in couples communication could help them, because I'd wager the DH doesn't even hear her repeated "clean up" requests any more, and she doesn't try to reframe them into a talk about the bigger picture. She has a right to a home where she feels comfortable and energized but she also cannot expect her spouse simply to "get it" by osmosis. That only happens in romance novels and romcoms, but only rarely in the real world.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel this. My wife is dead energy. She isn't remotely fun anymore. So I go out a lot without her, but then come back to her dead energy. I also have a lot more music playing when she is out of town. The kids and I have more fun without her type a controlling behavior.

It's hard to come to the realization, but it is what it is. I assume this is why there are so many gray divorces.

She's probably exhausted from having to deal with all children in the house and no adult. You leave to go have fun outside the marriage while she has to work. Then you come home and probably complain about everything she says while not pulling your weight, and then when she leaves nothing gets done. Sounds like she can't wait for you to get out and give her primary custody with visitation so you can go out and PARTY! Woo hoo!

She's a SAHM and I would rather have full custody so you couldn't be more wrong.

But I guess everything is battle of the sexes