This is OP: I know this sounds wimpy but one thing I really dislike about this whole situation is that before now we felt ‘effortlessly generous’ in offering SIL use of the house. Because it’s so close we use it a lot all year but when we definitely know when we won’t be out we’ve let them know it’s open to them (like we had other plans for the end of June of through the 4th of July and had told them back in the spring to use if they liked. They know we were there the next weekend (7/8) so it wasn’t open-ended. And they’ve been seemingly great and leave nice things in pantry, wines, etc. My DH says he (BIL) obviously knew it was a bit sketchy so only offered porch and pool house, not house. It’s just so ballsy I guess that he just decided HE had right to offer.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Were they planning to spend the night? Or just having a weird uninvited bbq/pool day? Either way, change the codes and don’t ever give them out again.

It was obvious that they’d spent at least Friday night here, sleeping on screened porch. There’s a basic bathroom in pool house (outdoor shower.) Luckily we both had to work late Friday because our normal weekend plans get us in around 10:00 on Fridays. Because there were bags of food and a big ice chest I’m guessing they intended to be here at least through weekend.
Urghhh. Just trying to let this go for now! Really wanted to just totally chill!

Wow. I was feeling sorry for them, thinking that they thought that you knew, but this means that they KNEW you DIDN'T know. That takes balls. I wouldn't cancel the Labor Day party but I would take steps to make the house more secure, with cameras etc. And I would send a written letter to BIL and this other family saying that they may not use your property without your explicit and written permission.

I was the felt bad for them poster from above and I changed my mind since they clearly knew!

Wow, I thought you were going to say they offered it and you were in the uncomfortable position of having to say yes or no. But showing up with them there! Were they even embarrassed? Did they realize you hadn't even known about it before you showed up? This is beyond weird.

I have the key and occasional use of a family members vacation home, but would never even dream of showing up or offering it to anyone else.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Were they planning to spend the night? Or just having a weird uninvited bbq/pool day? Either way, change the codes and don’t ever give them out again.

It was obvious that they’d spent at least Friday night here, sleeping on screened porch. There’s a basic bathroom in pool house (outdoor shower.) Luckily we both had to work late Friday because our normal weekend plans get us in around 10:00 on Fridays. Because there were bags of food and a big ice chest I’m guessing they intended to be here at least through weekend.
Urghhh. Just trying to let this go for now! Really wanted to just totally chill!

Wow. I was feeling sorry for them, thinking that they thought that you knew, but this means that they KNEW you DIDN'T know. That takes balls. I wouldn't cancel the Labor Day party but I would take steps to make the house more secure, with cameras etc. And I would send a written letter to BIL and this other family saying that they may not use your property without your explicit and written permission.

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t disinvite them to Labor Day because of the kids. That being said, I would insist on a sit down to discuss the breach of trust.

Install ring doorbells and change the codes monthly.

Liability isn’t just about the pool either - they could have slipped and fell, experienced an injury inside the home etc.

+1 - I’d be so pissed as well but it’s family so keep the tradition but set new boundaries and maybe limit access to the house for your SIL family or even say you’d like to take a break from others using it because the breach of trust. And set up cameras.

Anonymous wrote:This is exactly why I don’t want to purchase a vacation home. We are very busy and won’t be able to use the house most of the time. We would be totally fine with our immediate family but I absolutely know that each family member would want to bring their friends and family.

My brother especially has a bunch of friends who would take advantage and make the house stink with cigarettes and weed.

You don’t have to let people use it. We let our family use ours and they always ask about bringing friends and other relatives. They even ask about having people over for dinner. I leave a sign on the refrigerator about how to open and close the house as well as my house rules. I cannot imagine anyone smoking in our house against our rules

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t disinvite them to Labor Day because of the kids. That being said, I would insist on a sit down to discuss the breach of trust.

Install ring doorbells and change the codes monthly.

Liability isn’t just about the pool either - they could have slipped and fell, experienced an injury inside the home etc.

Wrong. It’s already been discussed. SIL was nonchalant. And what exactly would that conversation sound like? Seriously.
OP: It was breach of trust to offer our house to your brother.
IL: Yeah, we know. We’re sorry and won’t do it again. We didn’t think it was a big deal.
OP: _______

The Labor Day weekend needs to be canceled. This is not some situation where kids are not getting to celebrate Christmas. It’s one weekend. As others have suggested, OP can invite another family.

Anonymous wrote:This is exactly why I don’t want to purchase a vacation home. We are very busy and won’t be able to use the house most of the time. We would be totally fine with our immediate family but I absolutely know that each family member would want to bring their friends and family.

My brother especially has a bunch of friends who would take advantage and make the house stink with cigarettes and weed.

It just means you need to have eyes on the property via cameras and take extra precautions. It’s not a reason to rule out a vacation home altogether.

This is exactly why I don’t want to purchase a vacation home. We are very busy and won’t be able to use the house most of the time. We would be totally fine with our immediate family but I absolutely know that each family member would want to bring their friends and family.

My brother especially has a bunch of friends who would take advantage and make the house stink with cigarettes and weed.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Were they planning to spend the night? Or just having a weird uninvited bbq/pool day? Either way, change the codes and don’t ever give them out again.

It was obvious that they’d spent at least Friday night here, sleeping on screened porch. There’s a basic bathroom in pool house (outdoor shower.) Luckily we both had to work late Friday because our normal weekend plans get us in around 10:00 on Fridays. Because there were bags of food and a big ice chest I’m guessing they intended to be here at least through weekend.
Urghhh. Just trying to let this go for now! Really wanted to just totally chill!

Wow this is really really trashy.

+1. They knew they weren’t welcome. They were sleeping on the porch!!!

Anonymous wrote:That's incredibly rude. Even if you didn't mind, they should have asked and notified you.

But it’s weird that he would have thought OP’s family wouldn’t mind. I mean who wants people they don’t know staying in their house. And no one puts things away where they belong so it would be scary to come back and find your things where they don’t belong.

I wouldn’t disinvite them to Labor Day because of the kids. That being said, I would insist on a sit down to discuss the breach of trust.

Install ring doorbells and change the codes monthly.

Liability isn’t just about the pool either - they could have slipped and fell, experienced an injury inside the home etc.

That's incredibly rude. Even if you didn't mind, they should have asked and notified you.

Just wanted to second/third etc the recommendations for cameras. Especially outside around the pool area.

OP,

There is still plenty of time to ask another family with kids to join you for Labor Day weekend. I'd do outreach to another family.

Enjoy your time on the Eastern Shore and enjoy the local corn on the cob and produce.