^ sorry, I meant that my oil is always changed and tires rotated on time. The idea of missing an oil change or tire rotation scares me!

I have ADHD and I don't know why I am so different from the many of the spouses described in this post.

I have dinner on the table every night except when DH wants to order out. My kids do a variety of activities and they always get to them on time. I am on top of their healthcare (mental and physical) and I get them to all their appointments on time. I do not lose my temper with my kids or husband. We have emotionally close connections. I have friends. I do not drink or do drugs. We never run out of toiletries, cleaning supplies, etc. My kids always have clothes to wear that are clean and fit properly. I do not overspend. I take care of my health. I pay all the bills that aren't recurring. I don't lose things frequently because I have developed systems that keep me from doing that.

I do drive DH crazy sometimes. I have stuff in places from projects that I started but haven't completed. I don't fold my clothes and I don't make the kids fold theirs. I usually do dishes in the morning because I'm too tired to clean them at night. I do get overly emotional about things. I have stacks of paper around that I need to go through. I often don't see mess. My oil is always changed and tires rotated on time.

But these have all gotten much better with therapy. I mean, if DBT can basically cure emotional regulation issues for people who have BPD, it can certainly work for people who have ADHD. I am learning to judge more appropriately how long something will take so I don't take on tasks I don't have time for. I have enlisted the help of my kids to help me tidy up so that I have some support and can "see mess" better.

I suspect that I do better than many of these spouses because I care more. Of course there are various degrees of ADHD, but I dive in to ways I can manage ADHD in a way that works for me and my family. This has, I will note, required me to ignore advice from people who are neurotypical and do what actually works, and sometimes when you have a spouse who thinks there is one right way to do things, it's hard to figure things out. But a lot of these spouses people are complaining about are men, and many men of all neurotypes don't make the big effort to take care of kids and home life like men do. Men who don't have ADHD might not lose things, but do they tend to look at their phones when mom cleans up? Yes, some do.

Maybe women who are on the ball shouldn't avoid men with ADHD, maybe they should avoid men.

But I do know that ADHD is hard on partners and I want to validate that too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FWIW, there are some very vocal posters on this forum who hate their husbands and blame it on ADHD or on ASD or on whatever. That doesn't mean that the problem is ADHD or whatever. But it's easy to blame, easier than to blame the husband or the wife or the dynamic.

Yes, the mental health diagnosis IS part of the problem. It affects daily life and impacts relationships significantly.
And when you're dealing with an adult who refuses to get evaluated, but you research their symptoms and they seem to fit such a diagnosis, WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO?

My husband has diagnosed ADHD. He refuses to acknowledge it, but he probably has some type of HFA. BOTH of these things make him into a complete and utter jerk sometimes. Not always, which is why we're not divorced.

It's not possible to take the disorder out of the equation! The disorder is part of the person's character and personality. And a lot of times, these disorders ALSO come with upsides, like hyperfocus on useful work and higher-level critical thinking. Sadly, it's all the other things that come with these disorders that can make life hell for a family: the angry outbursts, the weird control issues and anxiety-triggered irrationality, the constant tardiness, filing late or completely forgetting taxes or other payments, not being able to multi-task at all, not being able to tidy up or sort through and therefore be at risk of hoarding, never putting dinner on the table on time, the lack of empathy, lack of social connections, the risk of self-medicating with alcohol and drugs, the possible addictions to those, as well as gaming or gambling or other topics of undesirable hyperfocus... all these can be consequences of ADHD and/or ASD.

Wow what a loser

Anonymous wrote:Apparently not terribly uncommon for adult women to discover their ADHD — especially inattentive type — when trying to figure out if something’s going on with their kid. I was researching some issues my son was having, and while reading inattentive ADHD descriptions and symptoms it was like looking into a mirror and reading my life story. Got an evaluation for myself, and it has been life changing. Turns out my kid is fine, which I’m very happy about.

What about getting the diagnosis for yourself has been life changing? Adderall?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did it pass on to your children? What are the odds of children of parents with ADHD also having it?

Why would you even go out with someone with ADHD let alone marry him?

BECAUSE IT CAN BE INVISIBLE. There's the hyperactive type and inattentive type. When you're meeting as single people with no obligations, the executive function aspect of it can be completely fine. And then when you add in the responsibilities of owning a house (maintenance, repairs, yardwork), and children (parenting, scheduling, planning ahead) and moving higher up the chain at work, plus possible grandparent wrangling as they get older...

... the person's executive functioning abilities will not be able to keep up, and that's when resentment grows and that person starts gaslighting and projecting because it's really hard to admit they're messing up all the time.

Stop blaming young adults for not seeing all the red flags. Sometimes there aren't any!

Stop with the term gaslighting! I’m so over hearing people use this term - and most of the time doing it incorrectly!

It doesn’t appear to have been misused in that post.

Yes

Doc said around 50 percent. My understanding is the risk increases when it is the father, but I wonder how much of that is associated with lower diagnosis in women who tend to mask their symptoms better.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FWIW, there are some very vocal posters on this forum who hate their husbands and blame it on ADHD or on ASD or on whatever. That doesn't mean that the problem is ADHD or whatever. But it's easy to blame, easier than to blame the husband or the wife or the dynamic.

Yes, the mental health diagnosis IS part of the problem. It affects daily life and impacts relationships significantly.
And when you're dealing with an adult who refuses to get evaluated, but you research their symptoms and they seem to fit such a diagnosis, WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO?

My husband has diagnosed ADHD. He refuses to acknowledge it, but he probably has some type of HFA. BOTH of these things make him into a complete and utter jerk sometimes. Not always, which is why we're not divorced.

It's not possible to take the disorder out of the equation! The disorder is part of the person's character and personality. And a lot of times, these disorders ALSO come with upsides, like hyperfocus on useful work and higher-level critical thinking. Sadly, it's all the other things that come with these disorders that can make life hell for a family: the angry outbursts, the weird control issues and anxiety-triggered irrationality, the constant tardiness, filing late or completely forgetting taxes or other payments, not being able to multi-task at all, not being able to tidy up or sort through and therefore be at risk of hoarding, never putting dinner on the table on time, the lack of empathy, lack of social connections, the risk of self-medicating with alcohol and drugs, the possible addictions to those, as well as gaming or gambling or other topics of undesirable hyperfocus... all these can be consequences of ADHD and/or ASD.

The extreme posts I have read, for example on the relationship board, are about severe ADHD with spouses who refuse to get treated.

ADHD varies in severity, people with ADHD vary in their coping mechanism and adaptive skills, and some people with ADHD have additional disorders ranging from ODD to anxiety which can exacerbate symptoms and make treatment challenging. And like PP mentions, a spouse that refuses evaluation, or has a diagnosis but refuses to try treatments, creates its own challenges.

Not every spouse with ADHD is the same.

Apparently not terribly uncommon for adult women to discover their ADHD — especially inattentive type — when trying to figure out if something’s going on with their kid. I was researching some issues my son was having, and while reading inattentive ADHD descriptions and symptoms it was like looking into a mirror and reading my life story. Got an evaluation for myself, and it has been life changing. Turns out my kid is fine, which I’m very happy about.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did it pass on to your children? What are the odds of children of parents with ADHD also having it?

Why would you even go out with someone with ADHD let alone marry him?

BECAUSE IT CAN BE INVISIBLE. There's the hyperactive type and inattentive type. When you're meeting as single people with no obligations, the executive function aspect of it can be completely fine. And then when you add in the responsibilities of owning a house (maintenance, repairs, yardwork), and children (parenting, scheduling, planning ahead) and moving higher up the chain at work, plus possible grandparent wrangling as they get older...

... the person's executive functioning abilities will not be able to keep up, and that's when resentment grows and that person starts gaslighting and projecting because it's really hard to admit they're messing up all the time.

Stop blaming young adults for not seeing all the red flags. Sometimes there aren't any!

it sound like you hate your spouse with adhd

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FWIW, there are some very vocal posters on this forum who hate their husbands and blame it on ADHD or on ASD or on whatever. That doesn't mean that the problem is ADHD or whatever. But it's easy to blame, easier than to blame the husband or the wife or the dynamic.

Yes, the mental health diagnosis IS part of the problem. It affects daily life and impacts relationships significantly.
And when you're dealing with an adult who refuses to get evaluated, but you research their symptoms and they seem to fit such a diagnosis, WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO?

My husband has diagnosed ADHD. He refuses to acknowledge it, but he probably has some type of HFA. BOTH of these things make him into a complete and utter jerk sometimes. Not always, which is why we're not divorced.

It's not possible to take the disorder out of the equation! The disorder is part of the person's character and personality. And a lot of times, these disorders ALSO come with upsides, like hyperfocus on useful work and higher-level critical thinking. Sadly, it's all the other things that come with these disorders that can make life hell for a family: the angry outbursts, the weird control issues and anxiety-triggered irrationality, the constant tardiness, filing late or completely forgetting taxes or other payments, not being able to multi-task at all, not being able to tidy up or sort through and therefore be at risk of hoarding, never putting dinner on the table on time, the lack of empathy, lack of social connections, the risk of self-medicating with alcohol and drugs, the possible addictions to those, as well as gaming or gambling or other topics of undesirable hyperfocus... all these can be consequences of ADHD and/or ASD.

I have chosen to believe that everybody is trying their best, and yes ADHD can make somebody less likely to take care of their ADHD.

However, refusing to acknowledge ADHD and refusing to get evaluated are not symptoms of ADHD. Typically people with ADHD *want* to get evaluated, they want an explanation of why they are the way they are. If they don't, they were probably raised with a bias against ADHD or mental health treatment in general.

ADHD is plenty difficult in and of itself, but it seems like these two things are exacerbating the ADHD, not caused by ADHD.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FWIW, there are some very vocal posters on this forum who hate their husbands and blame it on ADHD or on ASD or on whatever. That doesn't mean that the problem is ADHD or whatever. But it's easy to blame, easier than to blame the husband or the wife or the dynamic.

Yes, the mental health diagnosis IS part of the problem. It affects daily life and impacts relationships significantly.
And when you're dealing with an adult who refuses to get evaluated, but you research their symptoms and they seem to fit such a diagnosis, WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO?

My husband has diagnosed ADHD. He refuses to acknowledge it, but he probably has some type of HFA. BOTH of these things make him into a complete and utter jerk sometimes. Not always, which is why we're not divorced.

It's not possible to take the disorder out of the equation! The disorder is part of the person's character and personality. And a lot of times, these disorders ALSO come with upsides, like hyperfocus on useful work and higher-level critical thinking. Sadly, it's all the other things that come with these disorders that can make life hell for a family: the angry outbursts, the weird control issues and anxiety-triggered irrationality, the constant tardiness, filing late or completely forgetting taxes or other payments, not being able to multi-task at all, not being able to tidy up or sort through and therefore be at risk of hoarding, never putting dinner on the table on time, the lack of empathy, lack of social connections, the risk of self-medicating with alcohol and drugs, the possible addictions to those, as well as gaming or gambling or other topics of undesirable hyperfocus... all these can be consequences of ADHD and/or ASD.

It sounds like your partner has a personality disorder in addition to their asd. I have noticed that people with asd are a romantic target for people who have severe personality disorders, probably because the autistic mate doesn't realize how badly the personality disorder mate behaves. As a result you sometimes get a genetic mix of both

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did it pass on to your children? What are the odds of children of parents with ADHD also having it?

Why would you even go out with someone with ADHD let alone marry him?

BECAUSE IT CAN BE INVISIBLE. There's the hyperactive type and inattentive type. When you're meeting as single people with no obligations, the executive function aspect of it can be completely fine. And then when you add in the responsibilities of owning a house (maintenance, repairs, yardwork), and children (parenting, scheduling, planning ahead) and moving higher up the chain at work, plus possible grandparent wrangling as they get older...

... the person's executive functioning abilities will not be able to keep up, and that's when resentment grows and that person starts gaslighting and projecting because it's really hard to admit they're messing up all the time.

Stop blaming young adults for not seeing all the red flags. Sometimes there aren't any!

Stop with the term gaslighting! I’m so over hearing people use this term - and most of the time doing it incorrectly!

Some very famous people have ADHD including Bill gates.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FWIW, there are some very vocal posters on this forum who hate their husbands and blame it on ADHD or on ASD or on whatever. That doesn't mean that the problem is ADHD or whatever. But it's easy to blame, easier than to blame the husband or the wife or the dynamic.

Yes, the mental health diagnosis IS part of the problem. It affects daily life and impacts relationships significantly.
And when you're dealing with an adult who refuses to get evaluated, but you research their symptoms and they seem to fit such a diagnosis, WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO?

My husband has diagnosed ADHD. He refuses to acknowledge it, but he probably has some type of HFA. BOTH of these things make him into a complete and utter jerk sometimes. Not always, which is why we're not divorced.

It's not possible to take the disorder out of the equation! The disorder is part of the person's character and personality. And a lot of times, these disorders ALSO come with upsides, like hyperfocus on useful work and higher-level critical thinking. Sadly, it's all the other things that come with these disorders that can make life hell for a family: the angry outbursts, the weird control issues and anxiety-triggered irrationality, the constant tardiness, filing late or completely forgetting taxes or other payments, not being able to multi-task at all, not being able to tidy up or sort through and therefore be at risk of hoarding, never putting dinner on the table on time, the lack of empathy, lack of social connections, the risk of self-medicating with alcohol and drugs, the possible addictions to those, as well as gaming or gambling or other topics of undesirable hyperfocus... all these can be consequences of ADHD and/or ASD.

Don’t forget escorts

Anonymous wrote:FWIW, there are some very vocal posters on this forum who hate their husbands and blame it on ADHD or on ASD or on whatever. That doesn't mean that the problem is ADHD or whatever. But it's easy to blame, easier than to blame the husband or the wife or the dynamic.

Yes, the mental health diagnosis IS part of the problem. It affects daily life and impacts relationships significantly.
And when you're dealing with an adult who refuses to get evaluated, but you research their symptoms and they seem to fit such a diagnosis, WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO?

My husband has diagnosed ADHD. He refuses to acknowledge it, but he probably has some type of HFA. BOTH of these things make him into a complete and utter jerk sometimes. Not always, which is why we're not divorced.

It's not possible to take the disorder out of the equation! The disorder is part of the person's character and personality. And a lot of times, these disorders ALSO come with upsides, like hyperfocus on useful work and higher-level critical thinking. Sadly, it's all the other things that come with these disorders that can make life hell for a family: the angry outbursts, the weird control issues and anxiety-triggered irrationality, the constant tardiness, filing late or completely forgetting taxes or other payments, not being able to multi-task at all, not being able to tidy up or sort through and therefore be at risk of hoarding, never putting dinner on the table on time, the lack of empathy, lack of social connections, the risk of self-medicating with alcohol and drugs, the possible addictions to those, as well as gaming or gambling or other topics of undesirable hyperfocus... all these can be consequences of ADHD and/or ASD.