Anonymous wrote:I had a similar discussion with my teen daughter when she wanted to pay to take a boy out.. I told her “You don’t pay for the boy.. ever. You can make him brownies, you can give him a gift, (and the gift can be tickets to an event), but you don’t pay for him, he pays for you.. it can be an expensive date or a free date like a walk in the park (literally a walk in the park) but you never pay for him. You can suggest inexpensive dates, you can be happy to be with him, you can hold hands and kiss, but you never give him money.

As sexist as this sounds, OP, this is why I gave that advice. I’m sorry you are in this situation, not so much because of the money but because of how he responded to you when you asked him to pay you back. You seem like a nice lady. It’s his job to take you out if he’d like to be your boyfriend, something else I am trying to teach my daughters. Nobody owes you anything, but if they want you as their romantic partner, there are certain requirements that a healthy man should want to do. I don’t think that’s talked about much in today’s world.

As for what you can do now, text him (so you have a written record) and tell him you’d like the loan repaid. If he says “I’ll get to it” or “I’ll pay you” or anything of that sort, you then have a record that it is indeed a loan. Then you can go after him in court. I wouldn’t date him again or be friendly with him, no help with his kid nothing.
As for telling his ex and his family, you can, but we aren’t in feudal times, if they are on your side, and they may be, you’ll never know. His ex won’t give you the money he pocketed, you made the loan with the boyfriend not with her. If you’d wanted to make the loan with her, you could have. You didn’t, and you can’t do it now. They aren’t married (I hope) so they are not a unit at least not legally.

His family won’t pay you back again for the same reason the ex won’t, why would they?

Go after him in small claims court if you can, tell anybody you’d like to tell, it is your truth as they say, (and I do believe you for whatever that’s worth) but aside from that, you just have to learn from this and not be in the situation with him or any other person again.
Next time a boyfriend or friend needs money for an appliance, just nod and say “If I see any sales, I’ll let you know”. Even if it is an emergency, you don’t need to step in, the person who is oh so desperate got along fine before they knew you, and to quote from Hamilton somewhat “He’s a smart man, he’ll be fine”.
I’m sorry, op. You do seem like someone I would like.

Vomit. Go back to 1955 where you belong.

Anonymous wrote:He is never paying you back. I would just cut your losses and break up with him, and consider the $3k a sacrifice for the benefit of learning early on that this guy is of poor character and not long-term relationship material.

This is great advice.

Also, if he blew up when she asked for it back, I worry he will go further the next time she asks.

Anonymous wrote:I loaned some money to my boyfriend to cover some unexpected expenses. The total is close to $5,000, but I am willing to accept $3,000 (the other $2,000 was in frequent flier miles/hotel points, so no real cash value, although I could have used those points for my own use).

It’s been about six months, and I don’t want the loan to drag out much longer.

I casually asked about it about three months ago, and he blew up me, including giving me an itemized list of how much he paid to take me out, or money he spent on groceries that I ate. Since then, I have picked up every check (that $$ obviously isn’t included in the loan amount).

I am scared to ask again, and I think this relationship is probably ending. But I would like to make an attempt to get my money back.

Any advice on how to start/have this conversation?

Is he my xH?? When we divorced, he created an itemized list of everything he had paid for during our marriage and tried to get me to pay it all back.

Anonymous wrote:I had a similar discussion with my teen daughter when she wanted to pay to take a boy out.. I told her “You don’t pay for the boy.. ever. You can make him brownies, you can give him a gift, (and the gift can be tickets to an event), but you don’t pay for him, he pays for you.. it can be an expensive date or a free date like a walk in the park (literally a walk in the park) but you never pay for him. You can suggest inexpensive dates, you can be happy to be with him, you can hold hands and kiss, but you never give him money.

My God you are awful. You're really telling her she should never get the check, not even once in a while? SMH. Nice job of raising an entitled gold-digger.

No, she should not lend some guy cash (and men shouldn't lend women cash either) as the OP describes, but that is totally different from sometimes "paying for the boy" when you're dating.

I'm definitely going to tell DS to drop any girl who always makes him pay for everything.

Anonymous wrote:Wait- if he owed you money then why wasn't HE paying for dinners and such? Why were you also picking up all of that?

I'm sorry OP. This guy is a loser.

I'm also confused why you threw more good money after bad. This guy plays you. Break up over text. Does he have keys to your place? If so, change the locks. Block him on phone and socials.

I had a similar discussion with my teen daughter when she wanted to pay to take a boy out.. I told her “You don’t pay for the boy.. ever. You can make him brownies, you can give him a gift, (and the gift can be tickets to an event), but you don’t pay for him, he pays for you.. it can be an expensive date or a free date like a walk in the park (literally a walk in the park) but you never pay for him. You can suggest inexpensive dates, you can be happy to be with him, you can hold hands and kiss, but you never give him money.

As sexist as this sounds, OP, this is why I gave that advice. I’m sorry you are in this situation, not so much because of the money but because of how he responded to you when you asked him to pay you back. You seem like a nice lady. It’s his job to take you out if he’d like to be your boyfriend, something else I am trying to teach my daughters. Nobody owes you anything, but if they want you as their romantic partner, there are certain requirements that a healthy man should want to do. I don’t think that’s talked about much in today’s world.

As for what you can do now, text him (so you have a written record) and tell him you’d like the loan repaid. If he says “I’ll get to it” or “I’ll pay you” or anything of that sort, you then have a record that it is indeed a loan. Then you can go after him in court. I wouldn’t date him again or be friendly with him, no help with his kid nothing.
As for telling his ex and his family, you can, but we aren’t in feudal times, if they are on your side, and they may be, you’ll never know. His ex won’t give you the money he pocketed, you made the loan with the boyfriend not with her. If you’d wanted to make the loan with her, you could have. You didn’t, and you can’t do it now. They aren’t married (I hope) so they are not a unit at least not legally.

His family won’t pay you back again for the same reason the ex won’t, why would they?

Go after him in small claims court if you can, tell anybody you’d like to tell, it is your truth as they say, (and I do believe you for whatever that’s worth) but aside from that, you just have to learn from this and not be in the situation with him or any other person again.
Next time a boyfriend or friend needs money for an appliance, just nod and say “If I see any sales, I’ll let you know”. Even if it is an emergency, you don’t need to step in, the person who is oh so desperate got along fine before they knew you, and to quote from Hamilton somewhat “He’s a smart man, he’ll be fine”.
I’m sorry, op. You do seem like someone I would like.

First moving out/or having him move out and then filing in small claims court would be a peaceful and productive way of handling this. Don't even discuss it with him, except for getting text messages as suggsted above to 'Backup" the loan

$5K is too much to gift it away to a jerk

Anonymous wrote:Total unanimity on DCUM!

i'm with them all - this guy is a loser, and it's an expensive lesson.

That doesn't mean you can't go after the money though. You can ask for it back. Then when he refuses you break up with him. And then you tell him you'll pursue it in small claims courty.

I might even text him about the money so there's a paper trail - it will help you in court. This is a little devious, but I'm old and jaded.

"Hey John, can we talk about when you can repay me for the loans? I don't really care about the mileage stuff but if you could repay the 3k in cash that I gave you I'd like to get this done. Thanks."

You just need him to acknowledge the loan in writing. Doesn't matter if he gets angry or says he paid for dinners or whatever. You can reply with "you were very clear that this was a loan, not our dates" . Then you have a trail you can show a judge.

I'm sorry OP. And also, stand up for yourself!!!

This!! Definitely dump him but still try to get your money back!

OP, you should take him to small claims court.

Small claims = claims up to $5,000.

He can't scream at you in front of a judge.

Total unanimity on DCUM!

i'm with them all - this guy is a loser, and it's an expensive lesson.

That doesn't mean you can't go after the money though. You can ask for it back. Then when he refuses you break up with him. And then you tell him you'll pursue it in small claims courty.

I might even text him about the money so there's a paper trail - it will help you in court. This is a little devious, but I'm old and jaded.

"Hey John, can we talk about when you can repay me for the loans? I don't really care about the mileage stuff but if you could repay the 3k in cash that I gave you I'd like to get this done. Thanks."

You just need him to acknowledge the loan in writing. Doesn't matter if he gets angry or says he paid for dinners or whatever. You can reply with "you were very clear that this was a loan, not our dates" . Then you have a trail you can show a judge.

I'm sorry OP. And also, stand up for yourself!!!

Wait- if he owed you money then why wasn't HE paying for dinners and such? Why were you also picking up all of that?

I'm sorry OP. This guy is a loser.

Anonymous wrote:The fact that you are scared to bring it up again is also telling. Get away from this guy

If you are scared to approach your boyfriend, money aside you don't have a relationship. This is over, consider the money gone and move on from this dude.

There is no need to have “a talk” with a guy that screamed at you when you requested your money back. Call or text him that this is over and then block him.

The fact that you are scared to bring it up again is also telling. Get away from this guy

Anonymous wrote:He is never paying you back. I would just cut your losses and break up with him, and consider the $3k a sacrifice for the benefit of learning early on that this guy is of poor character and not long-term relationship material.

This. For those of us who are normal about money, it’s really hard to understand. I have a relative who constantly got loans from relatives and then somehow just … convinced himself he never needed to repay them.