Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents sat my fiancé and I down and said they’d pay 30k. They didn’t care what wedding we had or if we saved it all for a new home, but they wanted to be there to witness. They wrote us the check that night and had no strings attached. We spent 40k and had our entire families and friends present.

My in-laws didn’t say anything. Later on they mumbled something about a rehearsal dinner. Dh and I were super broke and could afford much (his car just died). We planned a rehearsal dinner we could afford- $350. And that is the only thing they gave us as a wedding gift. It also came a month after the wedding. Long after we paid off our credit card bill. Still perplexed by the whole thing. My In-laws barely covered their plate at our wedding. Whatever. They paid 50k and 70k for their daughters weddings a few years later. I never mentioned it but won’t do that to my son. My daughters and son will all get the same amount.

This is such an ugly expression.

+1!! Anyone who would ever say “covered their plate” is a huge red flag.

No, again, this is etiquette. Your gift as a wedding guest — any wedding guest — should be equivalent to the style of the wedding. Black tie affair? You should be assuming a $100 a plate.

The only thing I’ll add here is if you do not pay for the wedding (or contribute a substantial amount), the couple is under no obligation to invite your guests. So, no, if the couple is paying your coworkers aren’t coming. Your cousin who isn’t close to your kid isn’t coming. The guest list is entirely up to the couple.

If you contribute you are now the hosts and can dictate the guest list to some extent.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Daughter just got engaged!! How soon do we start the who will pay for what discussions. Do we start with our daughter or the couple together. Any suggestions? p.s. we have never met future inlaws and it would require a plane ride to meet in person.

Groom pays for rehearsal dinner.

Bride pays for every thing else.

If both have been working for awhile, parents should not even have to pay for weddings.

not anymore!

Spoken like someone with daughters. Lol

NP. I have daughters, and we are already saving for their weddings. My parents paid for my wedding and my sister’s wedding. But here’s what, just because we are following that tradition doesn’t mean I don’t fully see and understand that, yes, times are changing. I’ve received wedding invitations with the bride’s parents listed as the hosts, the groom’s parents listed as the hosts, both sets listed as the hosts, the engaged couple listed as the hosts, “together with our families,” etc., etc. I even attended a wedding that the groom’s brother hosted. So there are a million ways to do it, and just outright stating “bride’s family pays for the wedding” like it’s the only way and the law, is absurd. If you don’t see that, you really need to get with the times. I bet you $1,000 that if you wrote into an advice columnist and asked “who pays for the wedding,” she or he would say, “that depends entirely on the wishes and circumstances of each couple, and there are no set rules.”

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Daughter just got engaged!! How soon do we start the who will pay for what discussions. Do we start with our daughter or the couple together. Any suggestions? p.s. we have never met future inlaws and it would require a plane ride to meet in person.

Groom pays for rehearsal dinner.

Bride pays for every thing else.

If both have been working for awhile, parents should not even have to pay for weddings.

This was never the rule, but something one group of people did. Please don't perpetuate it.

Left off groom pays honeymoon, engagement ring and the house downpayment traditionally. Also sometimes limo and DJ as well as his tux and gifts for groomsmen. There are more bills than just ceremony and reception

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents sat my fiancé and I down and said they’d pay 30k. They didn’t care what wedding we had or if we saved it all for a new home, but they wanted to be there to witness. They wrote us the check that night and had no strings attached. We spent 40k and had our entire families and friends present.

My in-laws didn’t say anything. Later on they mumbled something about a rehearsal dinner. Dh and I were super broke and could afford much (his car just died). We planned a rehearsal dinner we could afford- $350. And that is the only thing they gave us as a wedding gift. It also came a month after the wedding. Long after we paid off our credit card bill. Still perplexed by the whole thing. My In-laws barely covered their plate at our wedding. Whatever. They paid 50k and 70k for their daughters weddings a few years later. I never mentioned it but won’t do that to my son. My daughters and son will all get the same amount.

This is such an ugly expression.

+1!! Anyone who would ever say “covered their plate” is a huge red flag.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Daughter just got engaged!! How soon do we start the who will pay for what discussions. Do we start with our daughter or the couple together. Any suggestions? p.s. we have never met future inlaws and it would require a plane ride to meet in person.

Groom pays for rehearsal dinner.

Bride pays for every thing else.

If both have been working for awhile, parents should not even have to pay for weddings.

This was never the rule, but something one group of people did. Please don't perpetuate it.

In east coast WASP culture, this most certainly was at one time “the rule.” For many generations.

That’s…that’s one group of people.

Anonymous wrote:Start with her.

+1

I agree that this is the best route to go - unless you are really close w/her fiancé as well.

Congrats 🎊 to the happy couple!!

My parents told us very early on they would not pay for a wedding. They did help me buy a car after college, and they did help me buy a house. Smart, smart parents, and I miss them terribly.

Anonymous wrote:My parents sat my fiancé and I down and said they’d pay 30k. They didn’t care what wedding we had or if we saved it all for a new home, but they wanted to be there to witness. They wrote us the check that night and had no strings attached. We spent 40k and had our entire families and friends present.

My in-laws didn’t say anything. Later on they mumbled something about a rehearsal dinner. Dh and I were super broke and could afford much (his car just died). We planned a rehearsal dinner we could afford- $350. And that is the only thing they gave us as a wedding gift. It also came a month after the wedding. Long after we paid off our credit card bill. Still perplexed by the whole thing. My In-laws barely covered their plate at our wedding. Whatever. They paid 50k and 70k for their daughters weddings a few years later. I never mentioned it but won’t do that to my son. My daughters and son will all get the same amount.

This is such an ugly expression.

Anonymous wrote:My parents paid for everything except my dress.

In-laws nothing. Nada. Contentious divorce and MIL didn’t even know etiquette.

My husband and I paid for the rehearsal dinner.

You need to rehearse to eat dinner?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Daughter just got engaged!! How soon do we start the who will pay for what discussions. Do we start with our daughter or the couple together. Any suggestions? p.s. we have never met future inlaws and it would require a plane ride to meet in person.

Groom pays for rehearsal dinner.

Bride pays for every thing else.

If both have been working for awhile, parents should not even have to pay for weddings.

This was never the rule, but something one group of people did. Please don't perpetuate it.

In east coast WASP culture, this most certainly was at one time “the rule.” For many generations.

It still is the tradition here.

My parents paid for everything except my dress.

In-laws nothing. Nada. Contentious divorce and MIL didn’t even know etiquette.

My husband and I paid for the rehearsal dinner.

They are adults, presumably . They pay for their own party /wedding.

If they need to buy a house, then you chip in.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Daughter just got engaged!! How soon do we start the who will pay for what discussions. Do we start with our daughter or the couple together. Any suggestions? p.s. we have never met future inlaws and it would require a plane ride to meet in person.

Groom pays for rehearsal dinner.

Bride pays for every thing else.

If both have been working for awhile, parents should not even have to pay for weddings.

not anymore!

Spoken like someone with daughters. Lol

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Daughter just got engaged!! How soon do we start the who will pay for what discussions. Do we start with our daughter or the couple together. Any suggestions? p.s. we have never met future inlaws and it would require a plane ride to meet in person.

Groom pays for rehearsal dinner.

Bride pays for every thing else.

If both have been working for awhile, parents should not even have to pay for weddings.

This was never the rule, but something one group of people did. Please don't perpetuate it.

This was always the etiquette. 100%