OP

Sorry to hear about your chronic household stress. We have a similar situation with our younger teen.

I also can’t wait until younger DC moves out but am trying to set him up for independence despite his many efforts to sabotage himself and is.

We provide medical support, therapy, tutors, routines, discuss importance of being honest, kind and hard working, and more. He is mentally unstable, lies all the time and blows off school work. He engages in risky reckless behaviors. I just keep going, praying a lot, and hope that he will become independent and stable eventually. Intryntonkeepmcommunkcation channels open.

I would prefer that he move out when he completes high school as it is so stressful to deal with him on a daily basis -/ but realistically, he may need to be at home to successfully finish college.

Young people with ADHD are very immature for their age (usually) but eventually they will grow up.

Best wishes parenting your teen!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course they can live at home if they are going to school and working. Only Americans kick their kids out right after highschool. With the housing prices they way they are, college being ridiculously expensive, I’m not setting any hard move out dates.

Op’s post was about a problem child with some unmanaged ADHD, who doesn’t want help or to turn in the effort.

That sounds worse than just wholesale kicking all kids out, honestly.

And I totally sympathize with OP, so I’m not saying asking her kid to leave is evil or anything. But the idea that a kid who has no issues can stay but a kid who struggles with a neurological disorder has to do is a little messed up.

It’s absolutely fine to have discussions about housing. You should! Better to do it now than later.

“Where do you think you will live when you graduate? The world is your oyster. You can go anywhere.” Or, “you are probably ready to live outside the home. It can be a very exciting time, but it’s the first time you’ll be financially responsible for yourself. So you have to think it through.” That inevitably leads into talks about job choices & make smart decisions. I would buy them a pile of books to look through. If your child isn’t going to college, have you talked about choosing a trade?

Yes, they can live at home for a few years post high school as long as they are in college full time and/or working full time. No living in my basement playing Xbox 24/7. If they are working, they will need to pay "rent" which they will get back when they move out to help with first/last/deposit on their own place.

I always assumed they would move out to go to college, but with the price of college, they might go to community college first.

Anonymous wrote:Do yours assume they can? Do you talk about it all through high school or after?

One of my teens is a very difficult person to parent and often a difficult person to be around. The other younger teen is easy going, level and pleasant. These have been their temperaments since birth.

The thing is, I don't want to allow older teen to continue living here. They are a high source of stress and household tension. I want younger teen to have some space. Try as I may to properly parent, bring in resources, give whatever I can, they are set on their chosen path. I can't expend myself to them indefinitely, it's difficult and depressing. I feel it's my responsibility to try at least until they're 18.

At one point I did imagine both kids would live at home during post secondary. Now I know that likely is not viable. At what point do you leave it up to them to figure out their own life/job/options? Do you have conversations starting in gr.11? gr.12?

Anyone else feel flat out no to the thought of their teens continuing to live at home? Some people have their adult 22-25 year olds still at home and it seems to work well and everyone seems happy.

My kid is a rising 11th grader. We talk about College, never about leaving the home at 18, but he's also a pleasant easy going kid. Both of my kids are.

I know people with difficult teens and they "can't wait 'til the kid goes leaves the home", either college or on their own. I guess after 18 it is easier to get mad and simply kick them out.

I personally would not do that. I'd encourage him to go to college and get a P/T job. That would also keep him busy and give you some space at the same time.

My parents told me to leave after HS for college at 18 and I did exactly that. Never looked back. I am preparing my daughter for life in college as she is planning on 4 yr + grad back-to-back at an out-of-state school. We work on budgeting, house responsibilities(which is not going well. lol.), cooking and caring for one's self, groceries and safety/being aware is next. By 18, I hope she will be ready. But, I have a Kinder child too so I get a big break.

Anonymous wrote:Is your 18 year old headed to college in Sept? Will he be living in the dorm? My 2 sons came home for most breaks and summer vacations. They had to work during summer vacation. If one job didn’t give enough hours, they needed a 2nd job. When they are working 40 hours, they are not home that much. I would have a hard time telling 1 kid to be on his own at 22, but not have the same expectation for the other kids when they reach that age.

Yeah, what you don’t do is tell the kid you like better they can stay longer, but give the kid you like less the boot the moment you’re legally allowed to do. Crap parenting.

Anonymous wrote:Of course they can live at home if they are going to school and working. Only Americans kick their kids out right after highschool. With the housing prices they way they are, college being ridiculously expensive, I’m not setting any hard move out dates.

Op’s post was about a problem child with some unmanaged ADHD, who doesn’t want help or to turn in the effort.

Anonymous wrote:Of course they can live at home if they are going to school and working. Only Americans kick their kids out right after highschool. With the housing prices they way they are, college being ridiculously expensive, I’m not setting any hard move out dates.

Puh-lease. It's not typical in the US to 'kick' out kids right after high school. Your hyperbole isn't attractive.

Of course they can live at home if they are going to school and working. Only Americans kick their kids out right after highschool. With the housing prices they way they are, college being ridiculously expensive, I’m not setting any hard move out dates.

Mine is only 12, but if he is difficult by the time he is 18 my plan is to rent him a room.

I feel you, OP. Those who think their parenting is superior have no idea how lucky they were to win the parenting lottery. I've got 3 kids - 19, 17 and 16. All my bio kids, same genetics, same environment, same expectations, radically different results. My oldest is in CC because he did not meet expectations for going away to college. He didn't even take the SAT even though I reminded him to sign up for it multiple times. We had hoped he'd join the military but no such luck.

He wasn't so hard to parent until he hit middle school. We then had a lot of behavioral challenges with him - mostly him not giving a sh!t about how his actions affect others. He is one of the most inconsiderate person I've ever encountered. We have family counseling to help address some of the issues but when someone doesn't care how they affect someone, it's hard to get them to change their behaviors. He's banned from the main bathrooms because he is an absolute pig and won't clean up after himself. He's banned from eating anywhere other than a table because he leaves his dirty dishes and crumbs/spills wherever he's been eating. It's not just the mess that bothers us but it attracts ants and mice - yes, we have had infestations because of this.

He's got ADHD/LD/anxiety for which he's had lots of interventions, supports and medications but those are only explanations for his challenges, not his choices. His father and younger brother also have ADHD/LD/anxiety and they are very different from him. I've also got another DC who is NT. None of our other kids have these issues and are fed up with their brother. We've really tried to get DS to see how his actions impact others and talk about how this will cause problems with any future roommates and romantic partners. No luck. He is resistant but he's also not ready/capable of living independently so we feel like we're stuck. We do what we can, we still impose consequences and he hasn't figured out he can remove me from his bank accounts so I still have some levers I can apply. I can also shut of his internet access and, if I wanted, his phone access. It's a tough balance between getting the behaviors we need and all out antagonism.

If I didn't have our other two kids, I might think I suck as a parent. I'm actually a really good parent. He's just a tough kid and I can't wait until I don't have to live with him.

I have a similar situation (older child with mental health issues making life hard and chill younger child) and will give both kids the option to live at home through college/job training and when they first start working. As hard as it is, my older one needs support.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The talk has always been that they'll go to college. Now if that happened to be a local college within commuting distance then sure, they could of course continue living here. But I've raised and disciplined my kids to be kind and courteous people who are pleasant to be around.

The subtext of this response is simply "I am a successful parent and you are a failure"

what a total ass

+1 Just wait.

a true successful parent would not have this issue.

You obviously don’t have a child with mental health struggles.

Even more reason to step up parenting and keep them at home.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The talk has always been that they'll go to college. Now if that happened to be a local college within commuting distance then sure, they could of course continue living here. But I've raised and disciplined my kids to be kind and courteous people who are pleasant to be around.

The subtext of this response is simply "I am a successful parent and you are a failure" what a total ass

No, the subtext of my post was "I am raising kids I like enough to want to be around." We talk a lot about helping family, about being a team, etc., because that was important to me.

NP. You are a ridiculously obnoxious braggart, though, which means you likely have significant parenting blind spots. So we really can’t trust your self-narrative here.

You should think about why this poster is making you so angry. It isn't her; it is you.

Are you in therapy? It seems like you have a lot of anger about parents who are doing a good job. Maybe you need to talk to someone about it.

DP

We know you’re the same person, no need to sock puppet. You should think about why you felt the need to pretend to be someone else.

You're wrong. I am a completely different poster. If you think I'm sock puppeting, then ask. You'll find out that I'm not.

Your antagonism is very apparent. As someone not in the argument that you've created with the other person, I am seriously advising you to figure out why this other poster is making you angry and what you need to do to fix yourself. You will be happier once you stop being so angry and lashing out.