Judgement is not always negative. It means to form an opinion by discerning or comparing. Everyone judges other people all the time. I think what you are worried about is people judging you negatively and then telling you so.

I felt judged when I was raising my young kids but it was generally all positive.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand this notion that we we shouldn’t judge.

Because even if you think you know another family’s personal circumstances, you actually do not. You are just making a judgment based on whatever limited perception you happen to have and it’s likely to be wrong.

This x 1000000. Most judgment stems from ignorance.

I mean, if you are married to someone or live in their home or spend all day every day with them and their family, and you want to judge their parenting. knock yourself out. But most judgment is made with extremely passing knowledge. And what I see most often is "well my kid isn't like that" or "we'd never do that" as though the way you are parenting is definitively perfect. Even if you are getting everything right (you aren't), that's only true for your kids and your family. It wouldn't translate perfectly to someone else's life.

That's why you shouldn't judge.

Everyone judges. Even the “keep to myself, I dont care” people are judging you. You may not notice though.

Anonymous wrote:Truthfully? Only on this board.

Yeah but that’s only because people in real life aren’t saying it out loud. They’re judging silently.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand this notion that we we shouldn’t judge.

I think it's one thing to judge a mother for letting their 4 yr old be in a stroller. We dont' know if that kid has low muscle tone, or is overstimulated in a grocery store and the stroller makes them feel better or they're going through a phase of acting like a baby and the mother is indulging it for two days, or whatever. That's wrong. I don't think it's wrong to judge a mother for allowing their kid to lick all the produce in the produce section. (But I'd say something for that)

This. I have no idea what other parents are going through so I don't judge them. They or their kids could have invisible special needs, they could be tired, they could be stressed out - there are so many things we don't see and aren't party to.

Oh, yeah. I know have been judged - out loud and I am sure in people’s heads (you really aren’t that good at hiding it, BTW) - and I have felt that I am being judged. I have an autistic kid. Do I feel bad that I am being judged? Not anymore. Because most people have no idea and those that do, understand.

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand this notion that we we shouldn’t judge.

Because even if you think you know another family’s personal circumstances, you actually do not. You are just making a judgment based on whatever limited perception you happen to have and it’s likely to be wrong.

From my 50 something neighbor, who met her husband in college and has never worked outside the home, to me, a WOHM with a nanny: “I don’t know how you do it. My heart couldn’t bear to leave my kids to be raised by a stranger, I just love them so much!”

Yup, I guess I just don’t love my kids as much as you, lady.

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand this notion that we we shouldn’t judge.

I think it's one thing to judge a mother for letting their 4 yr old be in a stroller. We dont' know if that kid has low muscle tone, or is overstimulated in a grocery store and the stroller makes them feel better or they're going through a phase of acting like a baby and the mother is indulging it for two days, or whatever. That's wrong. I don't think it's wrong to judge a mother for allowing their kid to lick all the produce in the produce section. (But I'd say something for that)

My tween tells me what I do wrong all the time.
Otherwise, I’m too tired to notice if anyone else is judging me.

Truthfully? Only on this board.

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand this notion that we we shouldn’t judge.

To me it's a matter of degrees.

I judge people sometimes by thinking "ok, that's not how I want to parent or arrange my life." That's a judgement, but it's not a harsh one. I'm not saying they should even do anything differently, just thinking to myself that I want to do things differently.

But I think a lot of judgments of moms are vocalized and are stuff like "she is too hands on at the playground, she should let her kid be more independent." Comments like that get an eyeroll from me because this is so freaking nitpicky about someone else's parenting. Like sure, maybe she could be "fostering independence" more. But if she's more hands off and her kid won't take turns on the slide or starts eating dirt, you'll judge her for that, too. There's a lot of judgement of moms that is very "damned if you do, damned if you don't." The whole WOHM and SAHM "debate" is a great example -- no matter which side you land on, someone out there will criticize you for it. It's a no-win. That kind of judgment is pointless and toxic and there is WAY too much of it.

I actually wished that when people judged they'd just say it. That I could deal with.

What is annoying to me is when people say they aren't judging with their words but definitely are. You either need to be able to truly keep that on the inside, or just own it. It's the passive aggression that gets to me. If you are just up front about it, I know to steer clear of you and won't share parenting challenges with you.

Unfortunately, for some women, judging other people is their favorite pastime so this is all by design. They WANT you to feel safe with them so you'll be vulnerable, and that way they can judge you and make themselves feel good. This is why when I encounter people who talk a lot of sh!t about other people's parenting, I steer clear of them moving forward. If they talk about other moms, they'll talk about me, and I don't want any part in it at all.

My feeling is there is no reason to judge other moms. If someone was actually endangering their child, it's not judgment anymore -- it's concern for the child. That's different. But if it's not that level, you're really just talking about degrees and minor differences. So one mom is more doting and another is more hands off. One stayed home and the other did daycare and the other got a nanny. Ok. It takes all kinds and society actually wouldn't work if all parents everywhere made the EXACT same choices -- we're better off with these differences, which produce kids with different strengths and attitudes, and just generally make the world a more interesting place. If you aren't abusing or neglecting your kid, how you choose to parent them is your business.