OP, so sorry to hear. This is not easy. Best wishes for your husband's recovery.

This is my mom. She would ask to come and help, and our dialogues would go like this:

M: how can I help
Me: could you please unload the dishwasher
M: Oh, maybe I won't be doing that; I would not know where everything goes
Me: explains (basically there are three shelves that we use here)
M: Ok, but maybe I can do this tomorrow; I am a bit tired now

Me: mom, could you watch Larlo from 9 to 11 tomorrow, I will get some work done; I will take him at 11 to feed and put for a nap
M: Oh, I was hoping I could go for a walk in the morning before it gets too hot
Me: Well, mom, I'd really appreciate if you could take him from 9 to 11 because that is when I need help
M: ok, but I will call you if he gets hungry; I don't feel comfortable feeding him

What helped somewhat is I sat her down and said smth like "Mom, love and appreciate that you want to help. There are some things that I need to get done that you can't help me with: breastfeeding, working, school stuff for older kid. What you can do that would really be helpful are: cook dinner by 6 pm each night; watch the baby from 9 to 11 in the morning; and read a book with the older one for 15 mins each night. Is this doable? Can I count on you? It helped that I gave her "rules" and structure: (1) baby 9-11, (2) dinner by 6:00 (3) read a book 8-8:15.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel for you. This is totally my mom. She wants to come "help" so she can tell all her friends how much she helped out, but she literally causes more work to be done. She's completely incapable of jumping in and doing something, like laundry.
Make a list of everything that has to be done and ask her which ones she would like to do and then mark the list.
That's all I've got because I have never successfully gotten my own mom to change.

This is my mom too.. all about her getting praise and attention.

This is my mom, but she lived closer. She would "babysit" for 90 minutes tops and maybe now and then would be willing to change a diaper. Mostly she just called me and told me to come home if diaper smelled or baby wasn't being fun. She also sat even a newborn in front of TV the whole time in bouncy chair to train newborn to zone out so I could get breaks? She was willing to do bottles of breastmilk because baby was sweet and cuddly with that. She then bragged about how helpful she was to everyone who would listen. Much easier to hire someone so i didn't feel anxious waiting for the call.

I can relate to the coffee request. My mom is not helpful. If she were to come to help (we avoid that at all costs now), she'd ask helplessly how to use the coffee machine and if we could make her coffee. Note that she has the exact same coffee maker with the exact same filters, etc. A low tech Mr. Coffee with an off/on button.

When we're in hosting mode, of course we'll make her coffee. If I had a birth experience that required bed rest plus the newborn plus a two year old plus problems with breastfeeding and some PPD for good measure, I really want her to give the coffee maker a go.

I think you need to find something she can handle easily and assign that task to her. Maybe laundry? Vacuuming? Cleaning up the kitchen?

With my Dad it was grocery shopping, I would have to give him a list but he was happy to go to the store bc he likes doing that. He came to "help" with my first baby but would just sit in a chair all day watching CNN before asking what was for dinner. Sending him to the store gave him something to do and kept my head from exploding, at least. But it sounds like your Mom won't really leave the house.

Anonymous wrote:Send her home early, OP. This is my MIL to a tee. She insisted on coming to “help” with the baby when my eldest was born. Help apparently involved sitting on our couch snuggling the baby, constantly falling asleep with him on her chest even though we asked her not to do that, and expecting to be waited on hand and foot by us. She handed him off for feeding, crying, diaper changes, etc, and basically acted like she was on vacation - stayed up late watching movies and sipping wine, and slept in until 10 am every day. We cooked for her and cleaned up after her.

We did not invite her to visit when our second was born and waited until the baby was a couple of months old and we were in a solid routine. She was hurt and it caused some drama, but we were not about to be waiting on her while also caring for a toddler and a newborn.

And before anyone comments, she was in her 50s, healthy and fit, and still worked full time.

Ha! My MIL did the same thing, down to the late-night movies and wine-sipping. My second was born during Covid and it was so much easier not having to deal with all the people coming to "help"

Anonymous wrote:I think I'd probably set it all on fire: "Mom, you said you came here to help. I'm struggling to see how you are helping. What did you envision your help would consist of because I am very stressed and need help, clearly. But what I really DON'T need is an additional person who creates more work and stress for me. This has been the most stressful time of my life. It might be best if you flew home."

This.

I think I'd probably set it all on fire: "Mom, you said you came here to help. I'm struggling to see how you are helping. What did you envision your help would consist of because I am very stressed and need help, clearly. But what I really DON'T need is an additional person who creates more work and stress for me. This has been the most stressful time of my life. It might be best if you flew home."

send her home. if you can't do that, make her visit uncomfortable. Turn off the cable, change the internet password. let your sons go nuts. make her want to go home.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The reality is this was totally predictable. You just lost sight of the issues in a moment of crisis.

Honestly, I would not do a darn thing to try to “fix” this. It won’t work and will only make you more angry. Pretend she isn’t there, hire more help and eagerly anticipate her being gone in 3 weeks.

Yup, you’re 100% right. It was totally predictable and I should have known better, but when I was overwhelmed and not thinking straight I made the mistake. I also thought it would be nice for the kids to have grandma around especially after the trauma of their dad being in ICU and hospital for weeks - which it is, except she won’t take them anywhere..

She just came and asked me to make her coffee.. I told her she knows how the coffee maker works and am now counting to 100

You sound awful!

you sound like an entitled boomer. go away

Agree with other posters. Make a list of things to do and either see what she wants to do or start her off with some simple tasks… taking the kids for a walk around the block, reading the kids a bedtime story, asking her to order delivery for dinner, take out the trash… then gradually give her more responsibilities. Some people need a lot of direction.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The reality is this was totally predictable. You just lost sight of the issues in a moment of crisis.

Honestly, I would not do a darn thing to try to “fix” this. It won’t work and will only make you more angry. Pretend she isn’t there, hire more help and eagerly anticipate her being gone in 3 weeks.

Yup, you’re 100% right. It was totally predictable and I should have known better, but when I was overwhelmed and not thinking straight I made the mistake. I also thought it would be nice for the kids to have grandma around especially after the trauma of their dad being in ICU and hospital for weeks - which it is, except she won’t take them anywhere..

She just came and asked me to make her coffee.. I told her she knows how the coffee maker works and am now counting to 100

You sound awful!

Look in the mirror.

I let my mom come to "help" after my first baby was born. She's from the US so has no excuse. But, she's relatively useless and my DH just about went insane. Not only is she useless, she's an actual burden. No advice here. I feel your pain.

My dad is the same way, more of a burden than a help. Is there some specific type of task your mother enjoys/can do, even if it’s not the most needed at the moment? Just something for her to do that is “helpful” but also gets her out of your hair? For my dad it’s yard work. My mother always has hers polish the silver when she visited…

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel for you. This is totally my mom. She wants to come "help" so she can tell all her friends how much she helped out, but she literally causes more work to be done. She's completely incapable of jumping in and doing something, like laundry.
Make a list of everything that has to be done and ask her which ones she would like to do and then mark the list.
That's all I've got because I have never successfully gotten my own mom to change.

This is my mom too.. all about her getting praise and attention.

Send her home early, OP. This is my MIL to a tee. She insisted on coming to “help” with the baby when my eldest was born. Help apparently involved sitting on our couch snuggling the baby, constantly falling asleep with him on her chest even though we asked her not to do that, and expecting to be waited on hand and foot by us. She handed him off for feeding, crying, diaper changes, etc, and basically acted like she was on vacation - stayed up late watching movies and sipping wine, and slept in until 10 am every day. We cooked for her and cleaned up after her.

We did not invite her to visit when our second was born and waited until the baby was a couple of months old and we were in a solid routine. She was hurt and it caused some drama, but we were not about to be waiting on her while also caring for a toddler and a newborn.

And before anyone comments, she was in her 50s, healthy and fit, and still worked full time.