I have a sweet son who has just a few close friends. One doesn’t have as much money as we do and I always pay for him to attend activities. I truly am happy to pay and let both boys have a great time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a full pay parent and I have a kid I struggle to keep engaged in activities, especially if there is no social element. I wonder if your kid’s engagement is actually a favor to the other parent.

Without a doubt both kids enjoy it more with a friend. I think both sets of parents, and both boys, are really happy that they they have this friendship. But in my mind when you do someone "a favor" it implies that it only benefits one side. My kid happily ice skating with their kid isn't a favor.

It is a favor to me if (1) I want my kid to ice skate and (2) the only way he will happily ice skate is with your kid. This sounds like a true friendship - don’t let money get in the way. Let them pay and you could do a lot of the driving or just keep inviting him over to your place too.

ABSOLUTELY! I’m a serious introvert with anxiety and play dates put me on edge because I need to socialize with the parents (they’re great people, it’s all me). Conversely, my six year old is a people person. I see it as a favor to me to be able to bring his friends along for an activity. As such, I pay, regardless of cost. Friendships are priceless and me in a non-anxious state is more than worth it to me.

As often the wealthier parent in this scenario, when I offer to pay it is because I'm happy to do so and for my kid to get to spend time at an activity that she enjoys with a friend she enjoys. As someone earlier said -- you've offered twice, your kid's friend's parent said no twice. Be grateful and reciprocate with what you can offer -- time together at a less expensive activity is totally fine. People with the means to spend to make their children happy are usually happy to do that.

OP here,

I am worried that this other mom is going to read this. I didn't think of this earlier.

I want to be clear that I'm not bothered that she offered. I think it was very generous of her. I'd like to understand it, and whether it's just the norm that rich people pay for other kids, or if it's something she's doing because she thinks it will have a bigger impact on our budget than hers.

My kid really likes this kid. I want the friendship to continue and develop. So, I just want to do the right thing to help that happen. I also want to be really clear that he'd be there whether or not she paid, because I don't want her kid to feel like maybe the money is why he's there. The other kid is a little shyer than mine, and the mom has made comments about my kid being really kind and patient and generous. And you know what? He's an awesome kid. But he's not there out of kindness, or generosity. He's there because he met another awesome kid too and they hit it off. So, I don't want a hint of worry in her mind that maybe my kid wouldn't come if she didn't pay, or that he's not as excited to see her kid, as her kid is to see mine.

So, I don't know what carries that message best. Saying "OK you can pay" or "I really want to pay"? I like the idea of taking that money and picking another activity that I set up, but I think the kids really like what they've been doing when they come to my house which is just hanging out. I think kids need both things, activities, and time to just chill together.

Is it an only child? I often pay for friends because it's easier to have 2 kids than one for many activities.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As the parent who would be offering to pay—just let them pay. We have friends who we subsidize for things that would be too expensive for them to do because spending time with nice people we like is much more important than the money.

Would you be offended or embarrassed if you suggested something, thinking you would pay, and then they did?

NP. Offended, no. Embarrassed, maybe a bit. Mostly worried that since the proposal was my idea, I had inadvertently made them feel pressured into paying for their child to join in when they hadn't planned on spending money that way.

OP, you've offered to pay twice and she's turned you down. I think continuing to push it risks becoming tacky and off-putting. It's uncomfortable to feel beholden to someone but one of you is going to end up feeling uncomfortable here no matter what. I would try to reciprocate in another way, by inviting their child on different outings or whatever.

Do you see how this is about you and not about the other person? Why are you assuming that the other person didn't honestly say yes or no depending on interests and means? Assuming that you understand another person's financial situation better than they do is is "tacky and off-putting". It also creates a dynamic that gives you more power in the friendship than the other person.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As the parent who would be offering to pay—just let them pay. We have friends who we subsidize for things that would be too expensive for them to do because spending time with nice people we like is much more important than the money.

Would you be offended or embarrassed if you suggested something, thinking you would pay, and then they did?

NP. Offended, no. Embarrassed, maybe a bit. Mostly worried that since the proposal was my idea, I had inadvertently made them feel pressured into paying for their child to join in when they hadn't planned on spending money that way.

OP, you've offered to pay twice and she's turned you down. I think continuing to push it risks becoming tacky and off-putting. It's uncomfortable to feel beholden to someone but one of you is going to end up feeling uncomfortable here no matter what. I would try to reciprocate in another way, by inviting their child on different outings or whatever.

I can see how one would feel worried in the way this PP is expressing. But that is when you say straight out that you are fine paying, it’s a great idea, let’s sign them up. No one has to be embarrassed but the person who does not want someone else paying for their kid should not be forced to be uncomfortable any more than the person offering to pay should be uncomfortable. Why isn’t insisting on paying when someone has twice asked for the details on paying be ok but stating that you want to pay for the activity is not? Why should one person’s comfort matter more? Why can’t they just communicate clearly?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to be crass to try to get this point across: we have a LOT of family money. Obscene amounts. Paying for a semi-private horseback riding lesson for my child and a friend or something along those lines, is not a blip on our financial radar. We don't give it a thought. We're not working your child into some budget. We're not cutting anything out to fit them in. We don't give it a second thought. If you think your friend might be in our situation, let them pay. If you want to drive, fine. Continue with your basketball and spaghetti. A good friendship is more important than evening out who spent what on whom.

But you are only seeing this from your POV. That’s great you have a lot of money and you don’t even notice when you pay for an expensive activity. Other people don’t have a lot of money and do notice and you should respect that they may not want you paying for everything even if you don’t care about the cost.

But how is this different from us serving sushi to a friend and the friend liking it so we always get it when that friend comes over, and when our kid goes to the other kid's house they get spaghetti-o's and happily eats it. Adults talk about how there's this divide between income brackets, which obviously there is, but when they encourage their kids to notice it like OP is trying to do, they're widening the divide.

It just is. I really find it hard to believe that you grew up with a lot of generational wealth and you don't understand this. Serving a guest foods that they like is good manners, and it has nothing to do with how much that food costs. Drawing attention to the fact that you have more wealth than a friend/guest is not good manners, no matter what your intention. There are ways to offer to pay that don't remind the other person that you are wealthier than them.

I think that paying for an activity my kid invites a friend to is just good manners.

A one off activity sure. "Hey, we got tickets to the sold out Ice Capades, would Johnny like to come along?" No problem. Covering the cost of the ticket is, in fact, good manners. "We are signing up for horse-riding lessons, does Johnny want to take them too? William would certainly enjoy his company." This is different. Only a fool cannot understand why. And assuming that Johnny's parents expect you to pay/will silently accept your payment because they are too poor to pay for it themselves is not, in fact, good manners.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to be crass to try to get this point across: we have a LOT of family money. Obscene amounts. Paying for a semi-private horseback riding lesson for my child and a friend or something along those lines, is not a blip on our financial radar. We don't give it a thought. We're not working your child into some budget. We're not cutting anything out to fit them in. We don't give it a second thought. If you think your friend might be in our situation, let them pay. If you want to drive, fine. Continue with your basketball and spaghetti. A good friendship is more important than evening out who spent what on whom.

But you are only seeing this from your POV. That’s great you have a lot of money and you don’t even notice when you pay for an expensive activity. Other people don’t have a lot of money and do notice and you should respect that they may not want you paying for everything even if you don’t care about the cost.

But how is this different from us serving sushi to a friend and the friend liking it so we always get it when that friend comes over, and when our kid goes to the other kid's house they get spaghetti-o's and happily eats it. Adults talk about how there's this divide between income brackets, which obviously there is, but when they encourage their kids to notice it like OP is trying to do, they're widening the divide.

It just is. I really find it hard to believe that you grew up with a lot of generational wealth and you don't understand this. Serving a guest foods that they like is good manners, and it has nothing to do with how much that food costs. Drawing attention to the fact that you have more wealth than a friend/guest is not good manners, no matter what your intention. There are ways to offer to pay that don't remind the other person that you are wealthier than them.

I think that paying for an activity my kid invites a friend to is just good manners.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As the parent who would be offering to pay—just let them pay. We have friends who we subsidize for things that would be too expensive for them to do because spending time with nice people we like is much more important than the money.

Would you be offended or embarrassed if you suggested something, thinking you would pay, and then they did?

NP. Offended, no. Embarrassed, maybe a bit. Mostly worried that since the proposal was my idea, I had inadvertently made them feel pressured into paying for their child to join in when they hadn't planned on spending money that way.

OP, you've offered to pay twice and she's turned you down. I think continuing to push it risks becoming tacky and off-putting. It's uncomfortable to feel beholden to someone but one of you is going to end up feeling uncomfortable here no matter what. I would try to reciprocate in another way, by inviting their child on different outings or whatever.

Anonymous wrote:As the parent who would be offering to pay—just let them pay. We have friends who we subsidize for things that would be too expensive for them to do because spending time with nice people we like is much more important than the money.

Would you be offended or embarrassed if you suggested something, thinking you would pay, and then they did?

As the parent who would be offering to pay—just let them pay. We have friends who we subsidize for things that would be too expensive for them to do because spending time with nice people we like is much more important than the money.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to be crass to try to get this point across: we have a LOT of family money. Obscene amounts. Paying for a semi-private horseback riding lesson for my child and a friend or something along those lines, is not a blip on our financial radar. We don't give it a thought. We're not working your child into some budget. We're not cutting anything out to fit them in. We don't give it a second thought. If you think your friend might be in our situation, let them pay. If you want to drive, fine. Continue with your basketball and spaghetti. A good friendship is more important than evening out who spent what on whom.

But you are only seeing this from your POV. That’s great you have a lot of money and you don’t even notice when you pay for an expensive activity. Other people don’t have a lot of money and do notice and you should respect that they may not want you paying for everything even if you don’t care about the cost.

But how is this different from us serving sushi to a friend and the friend liking it so we always get it when that friend comes over, and when our kid goes to the other kid's house they get spaghetti-o's and happily eats it. Adults talk about how there's this divide between income brackets, which obviously there is, but when they encourage their kids to notice it like OP is trying to do, they're widening the divide.

It just is. I really find it hard to believe that you grew up with a lot of generational wealth and you don't understand this. Serving a guest foods that they like is good manners, and it has nothing to do with how much that food costs. Drawing attention to the fact that you have more wealth than a friend/guest is not good manners, no matter what your intention. There are ways to offer to pay that don't remind the other person that you are wealthier than them.

I vividly remember my bff's dad teaching me this life lesson when I was kid:

Offer to pay for something twice. After that, if you keep offering you're being rude.

So... I think you can follow up again and say you'd love to contribute to the cost - just let me know how to do so. If they respond, great! Go ahead and pay. If not... leave it alone and try to do something nice for them or the kid later.

This isn't exactly the same, but DS almost always brings one of his friends to our pool. We happily pay for his entrance each time because otherwise my son is sitting on the side sulking. And this friend is awesome and kind and I really want the friendship to flourish. The money is small potatoes compared to the valuable friendship.
Take it as a compliment that this other family seems to really value your son and his freindsip.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would agree with your initial reaction, OP. But then, we are the middle class family in this scenario. For an occasional outing, I am ok with the other family paying, even for a more expensive option that they choose (e.g., taking the kids skiing for a day and paying everything including a semi-private lesson rather than a group lesson). For a regular activity, no. It makes your child’s participation depend on the other family. I would consider it a debt.

If I couldn’t afford it, I wouldn’t do it. But if you are leaning toward letting the other family pay, at the very least, as a PP mentioned, I would insist on doing all the driving.

I can afford it. I'm just not sure if fighting to do so is obnoxious or expected.

If you can afford it, then how is this different than the other scenarios you describe where you and other parents sign your kids up and everyone pays their way? Is it because the other parent assumed she would pay? Is it because they are rich and the parents of your kids other friends aren’t? Are you just trying not to offend?

If you are uncomfortable with them paying, then say great, let’s sign the kids up and then you pay. Why do you think there would be fighting?

It's different because when I said "send me the link so I can pay" she got all flustered and was very insistent that I didn't need to pay.

In other circumstances, when a parent says "does your kid want to sign up for the same week of camp as mine so they can carpool?" I say "ooh that sounds great, send me a link so I can register!" and then they send me a link.

Then address her being flustered. It’s nice of you to want to save her embarrassment or discomfort but I agree with a PP that that is separate from who pays. I would pay for it myself and figure out how to assure her that you are comfortable with that so she should be comfortable too. I wouldn’t let her discomfort drive my behavior wrt paying for the activity.

This is where my camp analogy kinda falls apart, because I can't just go online and pay myself because I don't have the info. She is proposing that they get on the schedule of a certain instructor that the kids apparently liked. I don't know which one, or what time slots are available. Like if it was actually camp, I'd probably say "Oh, I went ahead and signed him up!"