Anonymous wrote:The mother of his children has cancer and you want to abandon him? He should dump you.
Anonymous wrote:I've been in a new relationship with a great guy for the past 5 months. We're both 40's, divorced, with kids. He's been divorced for less than a year, and his ex just told him that she has cancer, and will need radiation and chemo for 2 months this summer.
He is obviously going to jump in 100% and take care of the kids, support his ex physically/emotionally through chemo, be her friend, and do whatever he needs to do.
I am wondering how best to handle this gracefully- should I step back and tell him we should take that time apart so he can focus on that? Or just continue and offer my full support and care for him, as the caregiver?
Any tips on navigating this are appreciated!
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Ask him what he needs/wants. Be open and flexibile to change. He might THINK he needs XYZ now, but in a month he might actually find out that he needs ABC. That's OK.
Don't get jealous or insecure. Be kind and generous at all costs. Send her food and flowers with your BF once in a while.
You know what? You'd do the above for your co-workers so do it for somebody important to your BF.
Have you heard of the ring theory? Your BF's ex is in the middle. Your BF might be a ring around that. You are a ring outside that. You always support inward, and dump outward. So your BF will be unconditionally supporting his ex. He might "dump" (emotions, chores, anger, etc) outward (toward you!). You are there to support your BF (he's a ring inside yours) and you will dump out to another friend or therapist (or DCUM) as needed. But your complaints do not go further into the ring.
This is probably the best response so far. Agree with just stay flexible and available to help. Having been through just radiation myself last year, I will say it was very exhausting (much more so than I expected it to be!) and your bf will probably be spending alot more time taking care of the kids than he does now. Just roll with it and be supportive.
Not really. Nobody needs to anything "at all costs", nor be around to let a BF of five months "dumpe emotions, chores, anger, etc". Good grief. Of course she should expect him to take care of his kids more. But what she should really do is have a conversation with her BF to see what he wants, stay flexible, and take it from there.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
He is obviously going to jump in 100% and take care of the kids, support his ex physically/emotionally through chemo, be her friend, and do whatever he needs to do.
He should, obviously, take care of the kids, but he has no obligation to support his ex physically and emotionally and be her friend. That ended when the divorce was final.
Wow. Basic human decency toward his kids mom. He probably still feels some love/affection for her even if they weren't the right match. He has no legal obligation. But he might feel that he WANTS to do this for his ex and his children. But a huge, beautiful gift.
Once you are divorced, you have no more obligation to your ex than you do to any other friend or acquaintance. Pick any friend you know. If they got cancer, would you drop everything else in your life to "support" her? I doubt it. And certainly "basic human decency" does not require that you do.
I had a life-threatening illness in 2020 and my ex didn't do much to support me. My ex didn't visit me in the hospital or at home after I was discharged; I had another friend who did. But I wasn't mad, because I didn't expect my ex to do that.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
He is obviously going to jump in 100% and take care of the kids, support his ex physically/emotionally through chemo, be her friend, and do whatever he needs to do.
He should, obviously, take care of the kids, but he has no obligation to support his ex physically and emotionally and be her friend. That ended when the divorce was final.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
Even if he didn't have an obligation, she might die. I think he would probably prefer to have a co-parent for his kid than take care of everything himself. If his support can make a difference to her that will make a difference to the kids.
Anyway, he probably does still care about her a lot as a person. Just because they went their separate ways does not erase the significance of a history that ended in kids.
Haw, just ask any divorced man on here how much "lingering affection" his XW has for him and how much she cares about him as a person. Most XWs are indifferent or hostile to their XH and won't do anything even mildly inconvenient for him let alone provide "unconditional support" if he had a serious illness.
I wouldn't spit on my XH if he caught on fire.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I've been in a new relationship with a great guy for the past 5 months. We're both 40's, divorced, with kids. He's been divorced for less than a year, and his ex just told him that she has cancer, and will need radiation and chemo for 2 months this summer.
He is obviously going to jump in 100% and take care of the kids, support his ex physically/emotionally through chemo, be her friend, and do whatever he needs to do.
I am wondering how best to handle this gracefully- should I step back and tell him we should take that time apart so he can focus on that? Or just continue and offer my full support and care for him, as the caregiver?
Any tips on navigating this are appreciated!
Op think about yourself and your well being. I wasn’t entirely in your shoes but my dh’s mom was sick with terminal illness and I stuck with him through the ride. It will take almost everything out of you and him. I wouldn’t if I were you and move on if you are trying to accomplish career related goals or other important goals in your life. Im sorry you 5 month relationship is not worth this imo.
Anonymous wrote:I've been in a new relationship with a great guy for the past 5 months. We're both 40's, divorced, with kids. He's been divorced for less than a year, and his ex just told him that she has cancer, and will need radiation and chemo for 2 months this summer.
He is obviously going to jump in 100% and take care of the kids, support his ex physically/emotionally through chemo, be her friend, and do whatever he needs to do.
I am wondering how best to handle this gracefully- should I step back and tell him we should take that time apart so he can focus on that? Or just continue and offer my full support and care for him, as the caregiver?
Any tips on navigating this are appreciated!