Anonymous
Post 06/11/2022 16:17     Subject: How do you explain to a teen that just because they are 18 and refusing financial support from their
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:parents doesn’t mean they are free to do whatever they want.

Ever since my niece turned 18 2 months ago she decided she no longer had to abide by her parent’s rules as long as she was refusing financial help from them. She stayed out all night and refused to come home for days, claiming my sister and her husband are too controlling like setting a curfew or limits on cell phones. She bought her own cell phone to skirt her parents reasonable restrictions on the cell phone like most parents of teens do. She kept insisting she didn't have to follow her parents rules regarding the cell phone because she paid for the cell phone herself and is refusing financial help from her parents.

My niece plans to take a week trip to Myrtle beach with her friends on Monday and there will be no adult supervision. No matter how many times her parents told her no she insists she will do it and her parents can’t tell her what to do because she refuses their financial support. Shes not even living with them but her parents often stop by but she starts yelling at them to go away. The problem is she makes very irresponsible decisions like going into large crowds during a pandemic or sleeping around with random men some who have criminal records. I told her part of being an adult is acting like one and making responsible decisions. “iM eIgHtEeN i CaN dO wHaT i WaNt” is not being an adult.[/quote

No, most parents of 18-year-old ADULTS don’t have “restrictions on the cell phone.”


OP here. Being 18 doesn’t automatically make you an adult.


Sorry, but, it does.
Anonymous
Post 06/11/2022 15:49     Subject: Re:How do you explain to a teen that just because they are 18 and refusing financial support from their
Not sure how to break this to people, but 18 is legally an adult in the United States of America, and you can literally go wherever you want and do whatever you want on your 18th bd.
That is what I told MY children. They aren't my slaves. I do not own them.
Anonymous
Post 06/11/2022 13:51     Subject: How do you explain to a teen that just because they are 18 and refusing financial support from their
Anonymous wrote:She’s 18 and not taking their money, so they can’t actually stop her. How is she supporting herself?


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Anonymous
Post 06/11/2022 11:19     Subject: Re:How do you explain to a teen that just because they are 18 and refusing financial support from their
Anonymous wrote:My initial reaction to OP was the same as everyone else. It is true that this woman is an adult and the parents have no enforceable "right" to control her.

That being said, what if the original post had said something like:

"Our troubled DD turned 18 and immediately stopped listening to us and started acting in an unsafe manner. She does not have good judgment and we are worried she is going too far in flexing her newfound independence. She is pushing us away and not accepting our input. We are worried about her. What should we do?"

Would responses to that post be the same?


No. Asking how to help an adult who seems to be troubled is reasonable. Asking how to insist that an adult that they have to do what their parents want is not. Once your kid is an adult, you can't control them. You can only influence them to the extent that they love and respect you. You can demand that they do X as a condition of financial support, but they can refuse the support and you end up with a crap relationship. Your tools and options change.
Anonymous
Post 06/11/2022 10:25     Subject: How do you explain to a teen that just because they are 18 and refusing financial support from their
Anonymous wrote:Make sure she is on long-term birth control.


She's an adult. She can choose what to do with her own body--including getting pregnant and keeping the baby. Her body, her choice.
Anonymous
Post 06/11/2022 09:17     Subject: How do you explain to a teen that just because they are 18 and refusing financial support from their
Anonymous wrote:Do they pay her insurance? Do they let her stay in the house whenever she feels like coming home? If the answer is to either of those is yes, she’s not cut off financially.


Even so there’s no leverage here. A woman like OP is talking about will just get her own insurance through her job, go without, stop visiting. The attempts to control via finances are over given her temperament.
Anonymous
Post 06/11/2022 09:16     Subject: How do you explain to a teen that just because they are 18 and refusing financial support from their
I have a hard time believing this is real. Of course at 18 and financially independent, she is an adult.
Anonymous
Post 06/11/2022 09:15     Subject: How do you explain to a teen that just because they are 18 and refusing financial support from their
She doesn’t live with them. She is 18. She has a job. She CAN do what she wants.

Your family is going to drive her away and further into her friend group by trying to be so controlling. Back WAY off and maybe she’ll come around to listening to her parents’ advice. And it’s just that - advice she can take or leave. Because she is an adult.

If her parents have younger kids maybe they can go to therapy before they drive away all of their kids .
Anonymous
Post 06/11/2022 09:13     Subject: How do you explain to a teen that just because they are 18 and refusing financial support from their
Do they pay her insurance? Do they let her stay in the house whenever she feels like coming home? If the answer is to either of those is yes, she’s not cut off financially.
Anonymous
Post 06/11/2022 09:12     Subject: How do you explain to a teen that just because they are 18 and refusing financial support from their
Anonymous wrote:Make sure she is on long-term birth control.


How are you going to force her to get on long-term birth control? You can offer to make an appointment, you can subsidize costs, you can cajole, you can threaten, but ultimately it is the choice of the 18-year-old adult.
Anonymous
Post 06/11/2022 09:11     Subject: Re:How do you explain to a teen that just because they are 18 and refusing financial support from their
Anonymous wrote:My sister’s stepdaughter did the same thing. It was hard for her dad to accept. She had been such a messed up teenager and he had been intervening to clean up her stupid messes for so long the the idea that he had to just sit back and let her make a mess of her life was really hard to swallow.

In the end, it was the best thing for her. She eventually realized that she did not like the consequences of her own actions and she saw other kids her age getting better paying jobs, having more money to do things, making forward progress in their lives, etc., and she pulled herself together. She is no where near as secure as she could have been if she had compromised with her dad and taken his money for college, but she isn’t dead or in jail. My sister and her husband had to be pretty harsh about how they treated her. They changed the locks, took her off their cell plan, took her off car insurance. I think they kept her on their health insurance, but the daughter did not realize that. They figured if she was incapacitated in a major accident and they needed to make decisions for her it would be better to have her covered until she aged out at 26.

Some people really do need to experience their own consequences to learn to take responsibility for their own lives.


This. Your sister needs to back off, op. The girl needs space to screw up and grow up.
Anonymous
Post 06/11/2022 09:11     Subject: How do you explain to a teen that just because they are 18 and refusing financial support from their
I’m big on “18 doesn’t make you an adult” BUT I’m team niece here.

An 18 year old high school student living at home and expecting mom and dad to cough up $100K ++ for college tuition needs to follow house rules.

An 18 year old with mental health issues must get treatment.

But an 18 year old with a job and a place to live does not need to follow anyone’s rules on cell phone usage or beach trips!

I’m wondering if this is the teen writing and skewing the real issue. This post doesn’t pass the smell test for me.

Dear teen, do you have a part time job and you are temporarily living with a friend? Doesn’t count. Do you have an actual full time job with benefits? Go enjoy your life.
Anonymous
Post 06/11/2022 09:03     Subject: How do you explain to a teen that just because they are 18 and refusing financial support from their
Make sure she is on long-term birth control.
Anonymous
Post 06/11/2022 09:03     Subject: How do you explain to a teen that just because they are 18 and refusing financial support from their
OP, the reason people think you are a troll is because you don’t seem to understand basics here. Your sister no longer has financial or legal control over your niece, and basically you are asking for other ways to control your niece. There isn’t another way. The only thing you can do is influence but not if you are overbearing - then she is going to shut you all out.

You have to back off but being loving so that she will consult you as needed.
Anonymous
Post 06/11/2022 08:55     Subject: How do you explain to a teen that just because they are 18 and refusing financial support from their
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:She has a job and doesn’t live with them and they want to set cell phone limits for her?! No. I agree with her. Will they get to control her when she’s 19? 22? 30?


OP here. That depends on how she acts.


No. It doesn’t. And it’s clear from your repeated hardheaded responses that it’s your adult child and not your niece, so drop the charade.


OP here. This 100% is my niece and I am close to my sister.


What sorts of restrictions, and why is your sister so opposed to the Myrtle Beach trip? Is there a drugs issue? A boyfriend or girlfriend they don't approve of? Is your niece in college or living on her own?

At that age I think actually she's right, that her parents can have influence but not control if they aren't actually supporting her. There's really no leverage otherwise. They don't have the legal right to tell her what to do, and if they aren't paying for her phone or apartment or whatever, there's nothing to withhold if she doesn't comply. Except their love and approval, I guess.