Anonymous
Post 06/10/2022 12:40     Subject: Re:Anyone had success with an open marriage?
Anonymous wrote:It's not clear to me whether you have told your DH what you have told us here -- that you feel zero attraction to him and that will never change. I assume he knows you're bi, right? Have you told him clearly that e sexless marriage is a choice you are making (one you are making for both of you, to be honest) so he's aware that it's not simply a matter of, you're off sex while the kids are young etc.? in other words, is he living with any hope that eventually you'll resume sex with him? I figure he knows all this and you've discussed it, but it's hard to tell for sure from the post.

I am NOT asking you to come back here and answer these questions for US, OP. I say that because sometimes posters here ask loads of intimate questions and demand the OP come back and answer them. That can feel pretty intrusive to me. I'm just asking you to consider these for yourself.

Does he know that, as you put it here, you are fine if he wants to divorce you, and your concern would be only financial? I think that if you have not told him that you would be OK with divorce, but are worried about money, you need to do so, out of honesty and to respect the relationship you once had, and let him decide if divorce is what he needs. The financial aspects will be a hit but can be dealt with. If he wants to remain married but have affairs on the side (call it ENM or whatever), well, he needs crystal clarity about what boundaries there are, if any.

You also will need to consider what you will do and feel if he decides ENM or open marriage etc. is what he wants, but then he falls in love with someone else and wants to divorce you. Ihat will create an even bigger financial hit, possibly, if he falls for a woman who also has children.

I note you say you coparent well and you get along, but that plus permission to get sex elsewhere may not be enough for him, or may seem like enough until he wants to partner with or marry another woman. It might be an easier break for everyone, especially your kids, to divorce now and deal with the financial issues involved, rather than have your kids deal with a divorce when they're older, more aware of things, and see what appears to be dad leaving you for another woman. Just something to think about. You mention that you're fine with him "stepping out" as long as it doesn't "hijack our life" but eventually it seems that it could do just that, if he decides he needs to be with one person in a real relationship that is about more than meeting his sexual needs.



This analysis is awfully long in response to a poster who is at best a nut job and at worst a troll. You wrote this instead of doing what?
Anonymous
Post 06/10/2022 12:11     Subject: Anyone had success with an open marriage?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It would be better for him to divorce you as his prospective partners are going to be very wary and skeptical of his claims that his marriage is open. Better to be divorced if he hopes to get his genitals wet again some day.


half the dmv is in an open/enm relationship...even us wary folks have gotten used to it...


Not true. You wish it were true (despite your "wary" comment) but it's not.

So tired of people on DCUM opining as if they had magical, intimate knowledge about what "half the DMV" is doing in their bedrooms. You have no way to know. And coming back to claim you know X couples who are in open relationships doesn't count. Your personal experience is not a universal experience. And people lie about things like this, to seem trendy.


I think if they say it enough, they think it will mean it's true. I'm sure if you hang out at swinger's clubs and open websites, you get the impression that everyone is doing it. Not happening in the majority of households.

OPM have some of the highest divorce rates. IT is often a last ditch effort to try and prevent divorce. Someone always eventually gets feelings for someone outside of the marriage and then it's toast.
Anonymous
Post 06/10/2022 12:02     Subject: Anyone had success with an open marriage?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It would be better for him to divorce you as his prospective partners are going to be very wary and skeptical of his claims that his marriage is open. Better to be divorced if he hopes to get his genitals wet again some day.


half the dmv is in an open/enm relationship...even us wary folks have gotten used to it...


I've been surprised by people who I've found out are in open marriages. Traditional-seeming people, go to Church every week, etc. I don't think it's going to shock a lot of people.

I'm also curious about success stories. It seems to me like the real problem would be that it would pull energy and attention away from your relationship/family. And all the stuff going on outside the marriage would be fun and exciting (bc it's novel and easy), so the marriage would start to seem like drudgery, all chores and responsibility. It seems like eventually the marriage would die.


We found a good therapist and it really helped. The bolded is true. We put time and energy into novel time together, but obviously with kids it's hard. But that's true of monogamy too. We've had ups and downs, currently in an up that feels sustainable thanks to the therapist. We had ups and downs in monogamy too.
Anonymous
Post 06/10/2022 11:57     Subject: Anyone had success with an open marriage?
Anonymous wrote:I have little interest in sex anymore. I think it's really just middle age with kids. I never feel like I want to initiate. I just want to be left alone. But, I feel lucky to have my DH, he is so sweet and handsome, so I just do it anyway. I do think I'm just in that exhausted mommy funk and will eventually pull out of it. You said you are bi, that means you do like men, and you want to stay married. Therefore, my advice would be to see if you can do the deed once a week.


To this PP (maybe even to OP) -- are you still on hormonal birth control? In some women it can really kill libido. If you're on any kind of hormonal BC especially the pill, talk to your ob/gyn stat about a reduced dosage or other form of BC. My drive went way up when I came off BC pills. My gyn said most women and even some gyns are not really aware of the effect it can have on libido for some women. Not saying this is the only issue for you but it's something to investigate and maybe rule in or out. Just a PSA.
Anonymous
Post 06/10/2022 10:55     Subject: Anyone had success with an open marriage?
I have little interest in sex anymore. I think it's really just middle age with kids. I never feel like I want to initiate. I just want to be left alone. But, I feel lucky to have my DH, he is so sweet and handsome, so I just do it anyway. I do think I'm just in that exhausted mommy funk and will eventually pull out of it. You said you are bi, that means you do like men, and you want to stay married. Therefore, my advice would be to see if you can do the deed once a week.
Anonymous
Post 06/10/2022 10:48     Subject: Anyone had success with an open marriage?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If I offered this to my DH i know he wouldn't take it. He wouldn't hook up with someone for sex. He would need to be in a relationship or on a path to a longer term relationship (not a FWB relationship) before he would consider being intimate with someone.

Don't assume all men would jump at this chance.


Don’t assume he can’t change. You eould be surprised at what men are capable of?


I understand that and know everyone is different. I also know that my DH will not just "settle" for the physical act of sex. He needs an understanding, communication, intensity level, trust level that builds and is nurtured over time.


If you are not in a sexless/open marriage, your opinion is sadly not relevant.

Being denied sex by your spouse is crazy making. Thoughts you never would have had, people you never would have considered, actions you never thought you would take, suddenly become not just possible but also appealing.
Anonymous
Post 06/10/2022 10:44     Subject: Re:Anyone had success with an open marriage?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The failure rate of open marriages is very high, some stats say 90%. The failure rate of your celibate marriage is 100%.

I think its worth a shot. Even if it helps you stay together for the kids until they are gone from the house. Then you can re-evaluate.


So totally not true.

That said, I also think it is worth a shot being honest and open with your husband and giving him the option to have a discreet paramour. Seriously, staying married to somebody you like, trust, respect is worth it as you age, have grandkids, etc.


+1, there are lots of celibate or nearly-celibate marriages, especially among people over 50. Divorce statistics indicate that lack of physical intimacy is one cause of divorce but far from the only one. Also, a successful celibate marriage may still have plenty of affection and physical intimacy, but not sex. I don't know if that applies to OP or not -- she says she no longer wants to have sex with men, including her husband, anymore, but does that mean she doesn't like hugs, kisses, holding hands, snuggling in bed, etc.? I think this is a relevant question of OP to ask herself before she proceeds.

Also, some PPs have already mentioned this but it's really relevant how OP's DH feels about all of this. Even if we assume that he is unhappy with the lack of sex in their marriage, we know nothing else about what he prioritizes and what he needs. The assumption that all men want to be having sex is inaccurate (older men often lose drive as fast or faster than women, this is normal but not talked about because of stereotypes about masculinity) and there may be other aspects of the relationship that he values more than sex, like parenting together as a team or having a trusted confidant.

There are people who cannot be happy in marriage without sex. But there are others who can, and it's not as uncommon as people seem to think. Especially if you can find other ways to maintain physical and emotional intimacy. It really just depends on the couple.

OP, I think you need to talk to your DH and attend couples counseling together to talk through this. Open marriage might make sense for you, but I think you are pretty far away from that decision. You need to start with the basics, which are what each of you actually wants out of a marriage, and what the stressors or pain points in your specific marriage actually are. You are assuming your lack of interest in sex is THE problem, but it might not be. You need to figure out the actual problem before coming up with a solution.
Anonymous
Post 06/10/2022 10:42     Subject: Anyone had success with an open marriage?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It would be better for him to divorce you as his prospective partners are going to be very wary and skeptical of his claims that his marriage is open. Better to be divorced if he hopes to get his genitals wet again some day.


half the dmv is in an open/enm relationship...even us wary folks have gotten used to it...


Not true. You wish it were true (despite your "wary" comment) but it's not.

So tired of people on DCUM opining as if they had magical, intimate knowledge about what "half the DMV" is doing in their bedrooms. You have no way to know. And coming back to claim you know X couples who are in open relationships doesn't count. Your personal experience is not a universal experience. And people lie about things like this, to seem trendy.
Anonymous
Post 06/10/2022 10:39     Subject: Anyone had success with an open marriage?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It would be better for him to divorce you as his prospective partners are going to be very wary and skeptical of his claims that his marriage is open. Better to be divorced if he hopes to get his genitals wet again some day.


half the dmv is in an open/enm relationship...even us wary folks have gotten used to it...


I've been surprised by people who I've found out are in open marriages. Traditional-seeming people, go to Church every week, etc. I don't think it's going to shock a lot of people.

I'm also curious about success stories. It seems to me like the real problem would be that it would pull energy and attention away from your relationship/family. And all the stuff going on outside the marriage would be fun and exciting (bc it's novel and easy), so the marriage would start to seem like drudgery, all chores and responsibility. It seems like eventually the marriage would die.
Anonymous
Post 06/10/2022 10:38     Subject: Re:Anyone had success with an open marriage?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, if this is a serious question, this is the wrong place to ask. I don't think the DCUM platform has many posters that will support this. I think you should look elsewhere for advice.


Yes, but where else can OP find people who are both in an open marriage AND in a "high wealth community"??? These are her people.


This was a snarky reply above but it catches something in the OP that I admit I didn't fully grasp at first. OP is fine with divorce yet is concerned with things like "taking a financial hit" and with property in their "high wealth community." OP, if you are concerned about keeping a lifestyle -- you have to be open about this with your DH. If you regard the marriage as only a parenting and financial deal, have you told hm so? Does he know there's no way that working on the marriage relationship is going to turn it back into a full marriage with sex? The focus on material and financial comfort in the OP is easily missed in the discussion of open marriage pros and cons here. OP, you may need to accept that an open marriage is not going to salvage the lifestyle and finances you want, since he may fall in love with someone else and divorce you anyway.
Anonymous
Post 06/10/2022 10:34     Subject: Re:Anyone had success with an open marriage?
Anonymous wrote:Your husband might decide all of his open relationships will take place in Thailand. It's easy to have sex with lots of different women there.


What? He is going to abandon his children and move to Thailand to have sex more easily?
Anonymous
Post 06/10/2022 10:30     Subject: Anyone had success with an open marriage?
Anonymous wrote:It would be better for him to divorce you as his prospective partners are going to be very wary and skeptical of his claims that his marriage is open. Better to be divorced if he hopes to get his genitals wet again some day.


half the dmv is in an open/enm relationship...even us wary folks have gotten used to it...
Anonymous
Post 06/10/2022 10:29     Subject: Anyone had success with an open marriage?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If I offered this to my DH i know he wouldn't take it. He wouldn't hook up with someone for sex. He would need to be in a relationship or on a path to a longer term relationship (not a FWB relationship) before he would consider being intimate with someone.

Don't assume all men would jump at this chance.


I believe you.

But also, if you allow a man to have an open relationship, there is always going to be somewhat of a relationship included in the sex. Even for someone like me that can have mostly "just physical" sex, the woman I am seeing will want there to be a relationship aspect as well. As long as OP is willing to allow that, it can work.


DP. Re: the bold, OP says she does not want his outside relationships to "hijack our life." If there's a "relationship aspect" as you put it, that is eventually going to do some of what OP likely would consider hijacking, even if he doesn't talk to her about his other partner(s).

I don't mean this unkindly but I think she's being a bit naive in thinking that giving her DH a green light to sleep with anyone he wants is going to mean she and he go on in happy partnership in their home for years to come. I know it can happen, but she's not considering that he, like you, may want a relationship and not just nearly-anonymous sex, and that he will bring his thoughts and feelings about his partner(s) home with him.

It would be more honest for everyone involved, her, him, his partners, the children, to divorce now before the kids are any older.

She also describes the DH as fairy traditional, which may mean he would feel that an open marriage is not for him, in which case she needs to be clear with him that (1) she will never have sex with him again, has no romantic feelings for him to try to rekindle, and considers him a parenting partner, friend and financial support and (2) she will say yes if he wants a divorce. She of course should not do what goes against her desires but neither should he have to accept an open marriage if he feels that's not for him.
Anonymous
Post 06/10/2022 10:28     Subject: Anyone had success with an open marriage?
If you haven’t been physical for a long time his first time with someone new is going to be a high he hasn’t felt in a really long time, be prepared for him to fall in love with someone else.
Anonymous
Post 06/10/2022 10:06     Subject: Re:Anyone had success with an open marriage?
Your husband might decide all of his open relationships will take place in Thailand. It's easy to have sex with lots of different women there.