Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:she got out of the car in rage and didn’t talk to me for 4 months, she was shaking and crying because I talked back to her and ranted that I was so disrespectful. It’s just a lot. We are both adults but she wants this weird dynamic where she’s the parent who can scold us and we just have to sit and take it without any sort of reasoning back or defending our decisions.

She’s an elder, children should respect their elders. Teach your children to do better than you were taught by not talking back to their grandma. It’s just rude. If you need to address it then you sit down away from children, you don’t talk back in front of children. I’m beginning to think you have no manners and granny is just trying to teach them to you too.

Respect is a two-way street. My granddad was my “elder” but he was a blatant racist. Do you think it would have been “polite” to allow him to say racist slurs in my presence? Hell no. When he would say something racist I would say, “If you say anything like that again today, I am leaving.” When I had a baby who was so small she was in a carseat, he said the n-word in front of her and I said, “If you ever say anything like that again in my presence or in the presence of my husband or child, not only will I leave, but you will never see me again.” He never said anything of the sort in my presence.

“Elder” my foot. If someone is old that does not give them license to be racist, rude, disparaging, disrespectful or unkind. You teach people how to treat you, and no one will ever learn that they can be rude to me or my family and not expect pushback.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:she got out of the car in rage and didn’t talk to me for 4 months, she was shaking and crying because I talked back to her and ranted that I was so disrespectful. It’s just a lot. We are both adults but she wants this weird dynamic where she’s the parent who can scold us and we just have to sit and take it without any sort of reasoning back or defending our decisions.

She’s an elder, children should respect their elders. Teach your children to do better than you were taught by not talking back to their grandma. It’s just rude. If you need to address it then you sit down away from children, you don’t talk back in front of children. I’m beginning to think you have no manners and granny is just trying to teach them to you too.

Also saying back to her “I’m not interested in hearing your opinion on this, you raised your kids and weren’t perfect either” isn’t something the kids (toddlers at the time) would even understand as talking back.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:she got out of the car in rage and didn’t talk to me for 4 months, she was shaking and crying because I talked back to her and ranted that I was so disrespectful. It’s just a lot. We are both adults but she wants this weird dynamic where she’s the parent who can scold us and we just have to sit and take it without any sort of reasoning back or defending our decisions.

She’s an elder, children should respect their elders. Teach your children to do better than you were taught by not talking back to their grandma. It’s just rude. If you need to address it then you sit down away from children, you don’t talk back in front of children. I’m beginning to think you have no manners and granny is just trying to teach them to you too.

Oh good lord. Being older isn’t a free pass to be toxic and mean.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s very difficult to imagine that you are describing her accurately. Literally screaming in a restaurant for 5 minutes? If so, then I’d not be happy she’s there but if your husband wants her and she’s his mother, I don’t think you have the right to exclude her. Just talk with your kid about how sometimes grandma is mean, I guess?

She looked and him and said STOP blablabla a few sentences then ranted to my husband and I for 5 minutes how we need to practice table manners with the kids (3 and 6, which we do but they are learning)... she has very high standards how she (incorrectly) remember how she did things with her kids.

Your 6 year old should know how to chew with his mouth closed.

He does but he’s not perfect at it either. He just turned 6 that day. I have not met a single 5 year old with impeccable manners.

Anonymous wrote:she got out of the car in rage and didn’t talk to me for 4 months, she was shaking and crying because I talked back to her and ranted that I was so disrespectful. It’s just a lot. We are both adults but she wants this weird dynamic where she’s the parent who can scold us and we just have to sit and take it without any sort of reasoning back or defending our decisions.

She’s an elder, children should respect their elders. Teach your children to do better than you were taught by not talking back to their grandma. It’s just rude. If you need to address it then you sit down away from children, you don’t talk back in front of children. I’m beginning to think you have no manners and granny is just trying to teach them to you too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s very difficult to imagine that you are describing her accurately. Literally screaming in a restaurant for 5 minutes? If so, then I’d not be happy she’s there but if your husband wants her and she’s his mother, I don’t think you have the right to exclude her. Just talk with your kid about how sometimes grandma is mean, I guess?

She looked and him and said STOP blablabla a few sentences then ranted to my husband and I for 5 minutes how we need to practice table manners with the kids (3 and 6, which we do but they are learning)... she has very high standards how she (incorrectly) remember how she did things with her kids.

Your 6 year old should know how to chew with his mouth closed.

Anonymous wrote:You have to talk to your husband, he needs to shut her down when she starts throwing a fit and it needs to be understood that these episodes are not appropriate. If he can’t have this conversation with her I also doubt that he is willing to not invite her. I would tell DH point blank I don’t want her coming unless he can talk to his mother about this and find a way to calm her down.

This is the best advice yet. This, plus tell her in the moment when it happens to stop or you will leave.

But I don't think you need to jump right to not including her in life events.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s very difficult to imagine that you are describing her accurately. Literally screaming in a restaurant for 5 minutes? If so, then I’d not be happy she’s there but if your husband wants her and she’s his mother, I don’t think you have the right to exclude her. Just talk with your kid about how sometimes grandma is mean, I guess?

She looked and him and said STOP blablabla a few sentences then ranted to my husband and I for 5 minutes how we need to practice table manners with the kids (3 and 6, which we do but they are learning)... she has very high standards how she (incorrectly) remember how she did things with her kids.

So at no point was she "literally" screaming?

Not saying her behavior was OK- it was not. I'm just suggesting that you may have (as many of us do) made this out to be a lot more dramatic and awful in your head than it actually was.
Either you or your husband need to have a conversation with her.

I would not trust him alone with kids moving forward.

The person actively watching the kids needs to make sure the parent not watching is home and can take over if they need to leave (duh?)

Ie if DH is doing yard work and I’m in the playroom with the kids he might duck out to get gardening supplies without checking in. Totally fine. If I’m in the yard and he’s with the kids he needs to actively come outside and tell me he’s running an errand and the kids are in the playroom so I can come in to supervise. I really question someone who has repeatedly wandered off with kids in their care without making sure another adult is home with them.

You have to talk to your husband, he needs to shut her down when she starts throwing a fit and it needs to be understood that these episodes are not appropriate. If he can’t have this conversation with her I also doubt that he is willing to not invite her. I would tell DH point blank I don’t want her coming unless he can talk to his mother about this and find a way to calm her down.

My MIL is similar although not an addict and a bit more aware of how she’s perceived in public (so she doesn’t argue or get into a huff in public). But she’ll say judgmental things or make-spirited “jokes” about the kids right to their faces. She also loves to portray herself as the best mom/grandma in the world but it’s all for show. She doesn’t take an interest in the kids but makes a big show and fusses over the kids to others. We limit our interactions with her. We also stopped inviting her to events where our kids’ friends or their parents may be because she isn’t likable and there’s a huge risk she’ll say or do something to offend someone.

she got out of the car in rage and didn’t talk to me for 4 months, she was shaking and crying because I talked back to her and ranted that I was so disrespectful. It’s just a lot. We are both adults but she wants this weird dynamic where she’s the parent who can scold us and we just have to sit and take it without any sort of reasoning back or defending our decisions.

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t invite her either and would not tell her when these events are happening. Imagine she throws one of her fits at a school event. That would be so embarrassing for your son. Also, if she starts yelling at your son, you need to protect him and tell her to leave immediately or you take your child and leave, regardless of what your DH does/doesn’t do. Your DH is a child of an addict, he has been groomed his whole life to accept these behaviors, doesn’t mean you have to accept it or allow it for your child. If she started criticizing my parenting, I would have no reservations to tell her she is last person to be passing judgment and tell her exactly why. You all need boundaries.

Thank you. This is how I feel. I did one time. She was coming down on some parenting thing and I said something along those lines and got out of the car and didn’t talk to me for 4 months. She is quick to dish it out but so incredibly sensitive you can never mention something benign like “I’m sure you made some mistakes as a parent too”

I'd tell DH that I am not going to be inviting her to anything anymore because of how she treats us and DS. If he choses to, that's on him. And if she does anything cruel, I will leave. And if DS gets upset at her yelling at him, I will tell DS "Ask Daddy to comfort you - it was his choice to invite Grandma."

Anonymous wrote:It’s very difficult to imagine that you are describing her accurately. Literally screaming in a restaurant for 5 minutes? If so, then I’d not be happy she’s there but if your husband wants her and she’s his mother, I don’t think you have the right to exclude her. Just talk with your kid about how sometimes grandma is mean, I guess?

She looked and him and said STOP blablabla a few sentences then ranted to my husband and I for 5 minutes how we need to practice table manners with the kids (3 and 6, which we do but they are learning)... she has very high standards how she (incorrectly) remember how she did things with her kids.