Well start by not blaming his girlfriend for his mental health issues. Healthy people don't do the things he's done. Whether or not they are in an abusive relationship. Denial of his issues will not help him.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was taught that if someone tells you they are suicidal, you believe them. That goes from the first time.


GF aside, your son is displaying signs of serious mental illness. Weight loss, social isolation, scarring, suicidal ideation, a suicide PLAN. This is not self help book territory. This is professional help ASAP territory.

Call a suicide hotline in his area, talk to them and find out local resources for him, including those for abused men.

Sadly +1ing this and thanking all those gave OP a similar message. I wish someone had listened to me. I survived, obviously, but did hurt myself pretty badly before someone finally took me seriously and helped me.

Would also love it if OP checked in.

OP I've been thinking about you and your son, please update when you get a chance

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was taught that if someone tells you they are suicidal, you believe them. That goes from the first time.

GF aside, your son is displaying signs of serious mental illness. Weight loss, social isolation, scarring, suicidal ideation, a suicide PLAN. This is not self help book territory. This is professional help ASAP territory.

Call a suicide hotline in his area, talk to them and find out local resources for him, including those for abused men.

THIS. ABOVE.

OP, while it's good you're visiting out there and will be nearby -- he is talking about a suicide PLAN.

There is a reason the PP and I both put that in all caps.

Do not let the fear of "he's an adult and I can't really intervene" make you go too gently with him. An earlier PP who notes that the GF (who is mentally ill herself) is "loosening restrictions" because doing so actually helps her control him right now, is right about that.

He may believe that if he leaves her, she will kill herself -- in fact I would not be at all surprised if she has told him so, in exactly those words. "If you leave me, I will kill myself." This only worsens his own mental illness.

Your son is in a very perilous situation that actually threatens his own life. Call a suicide hotline NOW. They are not just for those who are suicidal themselves. You and DH need a script for how to talk to your son on that day you have him alone to yourselves, so you can prise him out of this situation. Ask for help with that script. And do not, do not, do not let the GF suddenly decide she must "tag along" on the hike or the day's outing. You need to get your son alone. She may want to be present all the time you're there and might just turn up even if you think you're only seeing your son. If she does, have a plan for you or dad getting her away on some pretense.

Suicide hotline call, pronto. Get advice before you travel out there. Don't wing it. Please come back and update us. Very concerned for your son.

Er

Please keep us updated.

Borderline girlfriends do not “make” people suicidal. You need to accept that your child is in a mental health crisis and focus on getting him help appropriate to the symptoms he is having. But I would not expect separation from the girlfriend to solve the situation. Good luck.

You should be present in his life, show up, call, talk, keep talking and tell him to set boundaries and leave. Keep tell him that he can't do crazy and encourage him to leave.

If you do nothing you may regret it later.

It sounds almost like he needs cult deprogramming. I’m so sorry OP.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Heading to the airport now.

Thank you to everyone who responded.

Good luck OP.

OP here. Heading to the airport now.

Thank you to everyone who responded.

Anonymous wrote:This is not the time to "mind your own business" or "stay out of it"

It's okay to intervene and help them get out of that situation to the best of your ability. I have 2 daughters, if either of them were in the situation your son is in, I would drive over to pick them up, pack up all their stuff, leave with them on a trip and then take them home with me, and get them into intensive therapy asap.
This is not to be taken lightly. Their partner is controlling and will not change for good. She is only making small changes right now to control your son.

Evidently you have never dealt with anyone in an office notionally fragile state or in need of intense therapuetyintervebtuin, if you think your plan is fool proof. Geez lady you can’t kidnap grownups.

Anonymous wrote:OP, you’ve expressed a few times in this thread about your fear about stepping on his toes.

Don’t be so afraid to rock the boat that you miss saving his life.

Lol I want to step on his toes effectively.
And yes - I hear you.

OP, you’ve expressed a few times in this thread about your fear about stepping on his toes.

Don’t be so afraid to rock the boat that you miss saving his life.

Anonymous wrote:Can you not put him under a 51/50 just to get him some psychiatric assessment and care away from her?

I will ask my relative, who does community social work in the area. She is the one who gave me local crisis line info.

The problem is that I don’t want to be the one pushing him around. I want him to recognize (again) that someone else is pushing him around and that this level of isolation and transferred emotional responsibility is not a part of healthy relationships.