Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's get deep (most of us are anonymous on here so take the moment to spill the emotions): what are some of the parenting lessons you will take on from your mother, and what are some of the lessons you'll leave behind?

Take: the sense of love, raising daughters to be strong/independent, ability to get everything and anything done

Leave: guilt, treating children like therapists

Why are you only saying “from your mother”? Why do you not have the same honor or expectation of the role of a father?

Go away.

Why? Not everyone has an absent father or a bad father. Why would we only "take" and "leave" from our mothers? Simple question. Wonder why you won't answer it.

Take: Dropping everything to be there for my kids when they need it, Always seeing things from my kids point of view- no matter how trivial, Being effusive towards my kids- making sure they always know how loved they are and how proud they make me.

Leave: Disordered eating patterns, Neglecting selfcare and relaxation time, Accepting an unhappy marriage for the sake of saving face to the community

Take: love of reading, being connected to the community through volunteer work and service to others, valuing education, family meals
finding good deals

Leave: being a matyr, having crazy hang ups about food and dieting, guilt trips, babying kids because you don't encourage their independence

Take: Parenting with patience (e.g. spills aren’t the end of the world, we can clean them up). Treating kids like real human beings with valid emotions. My mom never made me feel like my emotions were trivial even when they likely were.

Leave: Being a martyr for your husband. My dad was the breadwinner and my mom a SAHM. Obviously not all dynamics are like this, but she ended up taking on almost everything with running the household even into my dad’s retirement. It’s like she still has a kid at home to take care of and I feel resentful on her behalf sometimes with how little my dad does for himself now.

Take: Letting me make my own decisions and learn from my mistakes. Family dinners every night. Good work ethic. Sense of humor. Honesty about her own childhood.

Leave: Not very affectionate. Inflexible. Didn't have a lot of friends, and I didn't get a role model for having close friendships, entertaining etc.

Letting natural consequences be the teacher. Not rescuing. As they get older, they learn from the outside world, from other adults. Their actions/attitude have consequences. We are not their only teacher. And eventually we are not their primary teacher.

Take: My mom was always just nice and respectful to me. And to everyone, really. No yelling, no arbitrary snapping. I remember as a kid being around adults who did yell and act like tyrants speaking down to kids and it made me so stressed to walk on eggshells around them. Really glad my mom wasn’t like that.

Leave: General household instability (mostly from poverty and addiction). She did her best, but it was very hard to feel like at any moment the bottom would drop out. It’s very important to me that my kid has a stable home and feels supported.

Take: Warmth, gentleness, silly playfulness, love of outdoor play, spreading a love of literature and reading, good traditional cooking, emphasis on family time, chill ("just try your best!") attitude toward grades/sports/activities.

Leave: Mommy martyr attitude -- near-total neglect of marriage, scale-back in career when it was probably not best for her mental health, having more kids than she could handle, passivity around asking spouse to do more childcare, not getting help (babysitters/daycare/therapy) when she clearly needed it, not making kids do chores or learn life skills until too late, prudish attitude toward sex/dating re: daughter but not son, coddling of toddlers/preschoolers to the point where she encouraged fearfulness and timidness.

I realize there's more in the "leave" column -- my mother and I are VERY different individuals. But she was on the whole a wonderful mother. She simply put that at the expense of everything else in her life.

Anonymous wrote:Take: Sense of humor, love and dedication to children. Archaic views of sex especially with daughters. Incredible work ethic and kindness.

Leave: Passivity and low self esteem in adult relationships. Silent treatment/avoidance and storing resentments for years only to let them out later at every opportunity later. Using children as confidantes.

Oops, NOT take archaic views of sex. Lol

Take: Sense of humor, love and dedication to children. Archaic views of sex especially with daughters. Incredible work ethic and kindness.

Leave: Passivity and low self esteem in adult relationships. Silent treatment/avoidance and storing resentments for years only to let them out later at every opportunity later. Using children as confidantes.

Take: lots of affection and I love you’s. Magical holidays with lots of fun traditions. Strong work ethic. Resilience. General kindness.

Leave: substance abuse, victim mentality, string of bad relationships, not going beyond meeting the “basics” (food, clothing, shelter) and spending quality time with my kids, lack of interest in education.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's get deep (most of us are anonymous on here so take the moment to spill the emotions): what are some of the parenting lessons you will take on from your mother, and what are some of the lessons you'll leave behind?

Take: the sense of love, raising daughters to be strong/independent, ability to get everything and anything done

Leave: guilt, treating children like therapists

Why are you only saying “from your mother”? Why do you not have the same honor or expectation of the role of a father?

Go away.

Take: quality time with each kid, magical holidays with traditions, writing “I love you” on lunchbox napkins
Leave: never apologizing

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take: Be a humanitarian; stand up for what's right and be a voice for the less-privileged; experience different cultures; escape the US-centric lifestyle even if only briefly; take smart risks esp if they pay off big if they work; "catch more flies with honey than vinegar;" pretend you're in a foreign country the first 3 months of a new job.

Leave: Detached affect/parenting style; disinterest in obvious loving support; consistent willingness to put work and personal interests ahead of family, to great detriment of family; inability to be close with family members but no problem with strangers/online friends; uproot family several times for no clear, compelling reason; refuse to take accountability for serious screw-ups and problematic patterns that model poor decision-making; never saying sorry.

The Leave section seems familiar - what is the diagnosis for someone with all this??

Not that pp, but someone with borderline personality disorder might present like this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's get deep (most of us are anonymous on here so take the moment to spill the emotions): what are some of the parenting lessons you will take on from your mother, and what are some of the lessons you'll leave behind?

Take: the sense of love, raising daughters to be strong/independent, ability to get everything and anything done

Leave: guilt, treating children like therapists

Why are you only saying “from your mother”? Why do you not have the same honor or expectation of the role of a father?

And it should say birthing person, not mother. They’re not necessarily the same for anyone living in 2022.

My “birthing person” isn’t my mother. I was adopted at birth.