Anonymous
Post 05/23/2022 13:32     Subject: Re:Constantly asking for play dates with cousins
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yes, I do want a sense of family, and I agree now that it’s best to get the cousins together about once a quarter.

The big problem is SIL. She only started to become very nice to us when she moved here. She has treated my husband poorly over the years and hasn’t been very nice to me either. An example for context: She once told my husband that their father wasted his money on my husband’s Ivy League education. That really stung. My husband didn’t have much direction right after college but now makes around $300k and is doing well in his career.I know that comment was made by her years ago but it still stings to this day.

Now her tune has changed and she is in need of friends for her kids.

We’ve already got a solid group of friends that are like family here. We also have other cousins in MD that my son sees on a pretty regular basis.



You are being petty. This isn’t for the SIL. It’s for your ONLY child and his cousins to get to know each other.


Oh gimme a break. Very few people end up super close to their cousins, and it certainly isn't because parents force them together. It is for OP and her husband to figure out what works for them. The sister may be a phony using them to feel connected. OP does not need to suck it up with someone she doesn't trust. She just needs to find a comfort zone. No need to try to guilt trip a total stranger. Oh....the pooor kid is an only child and you deprive said child of cousins. Her kid has friends. The cousins are a a handful right now. No need to be dramatic. It's not like OP has banned the cousins for life. She just doesn't feel the need to pretend to be some closeknit family.


NP- Nobody said anything about forcing cousins together, but kids don't get to know each other and become close unless their parents get them together regularly.
Anonymous
Post 05/23/2022 13:29     Subject: Re:Constantly asking for play dates with cousins
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:She went to UVA


Yup, there ya go.

Son got to go to ivy. Daughter to state school.


OP, wouldn't you be frustrated if your dad did the same thing? I don't get how SIL's comment stung you. If their dad was this sexist with education, imagine what SIL was up against her ENTIRE CHILDHOOD.
Anonymous
Post 05/23/2022 11:51     Subject: Re:Constantly asking for play dates with cousins
Thanks so much for this. You’re right. It was a long time ago. I’m just so proud of my husband for doing so well. He partied a lot in college and didn’t try hard enough with getting the right internship. He’s a huge success now and I’m glad SIL can see that.
Anonymous
Post 05/23/2022 11:46     Subject: Re:Constantly asking for play dates with cousins
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:we are doers on weekends and like to go strawberry picking, head to the National Mall for a family bike ride, take a quick trip to the beach, etc.


You can invite her in ways that seem welcoming but don't impede your plans.

"We'll be heading to Farm X late morning to pick strawberries. Feel free to meet us there!"

"We''ll be biking at the National Mall. Text if you're nearby and want to meet up for picnic snacks."

"We'll be at beach Y this weekend. Let us know if you want to meet up."


I’d take this approach. May also be less fighting between the boys if there’s a set activity. And if there’s something else to do, you can move your son along to the next row.

I think you can also mention to her that her sons are too rough. They may be used to beating up on each other and she may be fine with that. Tell her your son isn’t okay with that dynamic and she needs to be on them more to play gently with him.

You don’t need to be friends with her, but a 2 hour activity once a month or two doesn’t seem like too big of an ask.

And you really need to let the college comment go. Let all the comments go. It was ages ago.
Anonymous
Post 05/23/2022 11:34     Subject: Re:Constantly asking for play dates with cousins
OP here, yes, you are spot on. My kid has a full dance card. We feel very lucky to have found some close friends for him and ourselves.

SIL is not enjoyable to be around and her kids can be a pain. My son even mentioned the other day that he thought his older cousin was “too rough.”
Anonymous
Post 05/23/2022 11:19     Subject: Re:Constantly asking for play dates with cousins
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yes, I do want a sense of family, and I agree now that it’s best to get the cousins together about once a quarter.

The big problem is SIL. She only started to become very nice to us when she moved here. She has treated my husband poorly over the years and hasn’t been very nice to me either. An example for context: She once told my husband that their father wasted his money on my husband’s Ivy League education. That really stung. My husband didn’t have much direction right after college but now makes around $300k and is doing well in his career.I know that comment was made by her years ago but it still stings to this day.

Now her tune has changed and she is in need of friends for her kids.

We’ve already got a solid group of friends that are like family here. We also have other cousins in MD that my son sees on a pretty regular basis.



You are being petty. This isn’t for the SIL. It’s for your ONLY child and his cousins to get to know each other.


Oh gimme a break. Very few people end up super close to their cousins, and it certainly isn't because parents force them together. It is for OP and her husband to figure out what works for them. The sister may be a phony using them to feel connected. OP does not need to suck it up with someone she doesn't trust. She just needs to find a comfort zone. No need to try to guilt trip a total stranger. Oh....the pooor kid is an only child and you deprive said child of cousins. Her kid has friends. The cousins are a a handful right now. No need to be dramatic. It's not like OP has banned the cousins for life. She just doesn't feel the need to pretend to be some closeknit family.
Anonymous
Post 05/23/2022 11:07     Subject: Re:Constantly asking for play dates with cousins
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yes, I do want a sense of family, and I agree now that it’s best to get the cousins together about once a quarter.

The big problem is SIL. She only started to become very nice to us when she moved here. She has treated my husband poorly over the years and hasn’t been very nice to me either. An example for context: She once told my husband that their father wasted his money on my husband’s Ivy League education. That really stung. My husband didn’t have much direction right after college but now makes around $300k and is doing well in his career.I know that comment was made by her years ago but it still stings to this day.

Now her tune has changed and she is in need of friends for her kids.

We’ve already got a solid group of friends that are like family here. We also have other cousins in MD that my son sees on a pretty regular basis.



You are being petty. This isn’t for the SIL. It’s for your ONLY child and his cousins to get to know each other.
Anonymous
Post 05/23/2022 11:05     Subject: Constantly asking for play dates with cousins
Figure out the boundary with your husband and have your husband set the boundary with SIL. Your son is busy with friends. You will see her some holidays. Done. My SIL tried to pull this too even though she was highly judgmental,, the kids were not a match and she was never that close to her bros. Heck even my sister tried to pull this after being estranged for a long time from the family. Some people are obsessed with the idea that coooousins should be BFFs. It's beautiful when that happens, but you can't force it and it rarely works well if the parents are not close. She can get over it or not.
Anonymous
Post 05/23/2022 07:16     Subject: Constantly asking for play dates with cousins
If her boys are fighting constantly then she's not giving them enough to keep them occupied - she's allowing the rowdiness to be what occupies them.

Can you organize get togethers around a formal activity like swimming or playing a specific sport? Anything that can break that pattern she's allowed to get ingrained into her own kids' interactions?

I'd also suggest just organizing this kind of thing not explaining why. The person up thread who advised you to say the kids have different interests and won't be spending time together is clearly off their rocker completely.
Anonymous
Post 05/22/2022 23:58     Subject: Re:Constantly asking for play dates with cousins
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here! Thanks for the advice on this! Yes, SIL moved here last year when the Delta variant flared up to take a gov job. She mentioned feeling isolated after moving here and has been reaching out like crazy. I get it, she wants friends and friends for her kids. Her kids are definitely awkward and a bit odd. I don’t mind it but I can see how it might be difficult to make friends.


I also get the impression they are tight with money as SIL always wants to do something “simple” like go to a park. Nothing wrong with that but we are doers on weekends and like to go strawberry picking, head to the National Mall for a family bike ride, take a quick trip to the beach, etc.

My husband is definitely not a “texter” the way I am and literally takes forever to respond to texts, even mine, so I have taken the reins on responses since I set up most of our get-togethers.


Honestly you sound pretty insufferable and judgmental yourself.

If your kid wants to play with his cousins and enjoys them make it happen.


If he doesn't care that much keep it to how it is and maybe throw in an extra okay date or to.


+10000
OP, you do not sound nice. You have a lot of not nice things to say about those kids. THEY ARE KIDS. If you think your kids are perfect , you are delusional.
Pound sand.


X1000
Anonymous
Post 05/22/2022 23:56     Subject: Re:Constantly asking for play dates with cousins
Anonymous wrote:She went to UVA


Yup, there ya go.

Son got to go to ivy. Daughter to state school.
Anonymous
Post 05/22/2022 23:54     Subject: Re:Constantly asking for play dates with cousins
Anonymous wrote:She went to UVA

It’s beyond petty to still be mad about something said years ago. She’s being nice now; so treat her with kindness. It’s good modeling for your kid.
Anonymous
Post 05/22/2022 23:36     Subject: Re:Constantly asking for play dates with cousins
She went to UVA
Anonymous
Post 05/22/2022 23:26     Subject: Re:Constantly asking for play dates with cousins
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yes, I do want a sense of family, and I agree now that it’s best to get the cousins together about once a quarter.

The big problem is SIL. She only started to become very nice to us when she moved here. She has treated my husband poorly over the years and hasn’t been very nice to me either. An example for context: She once told my husband that their father wasted his money on my husband’s Ivy League education. That really stung. My husband didn’t have much direction right after college but now makes around $300k and is doing well in his career.I know that comment was made by her years ago but it still stings to this day.

Now her tune has changed and she is in need of friends for her kids.

We’ve already got a solid group of friends that are like family here. We also have other cousins in MD that my son sees on a pretty regular basis.



Was her father willing to spend that much on her college education? I’m guessing not. She probably went to state school so their dad could afford to send the boy to an ivy.

Cousin friends are great to have.
Anonymous
Post 05/22/2022 23:19     Subject: Re:Constantly asking for play dates with cousins
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yes, I do want a sense of family, and I agree now that it’s best to get the cousins together about once a quarter.

The big problem is SIL. She only started to become very nice to us when she moved here. She has treated my husband poorly over the years and hasn’t been very nice to me either. An example for context: She once told my husband that their father wasted his money on my husband’s Ivy League education. That really stung. My husband didn’t have much direction right after college but now makes around $300k and is doing well in his career.I know that comment was made by her years ago but it still stings to this day.

Now her tune has changed and she is in need of friends for her kids.

We’ve already got a solid group of friends that are like family here. We also have other cousins in MD that my son sees on a pretty regular basis.



Do you have siblings op?