Anonymous
05/19/2022 20:39
Subject: Re:SILs expect me to be one of MIL's caregivers
Anonymous wrote:Hurting your MIL because of your SILs?
OP said nothing about hurting her MIL. She visits her and likes her. She simply does not want her SIL dictating when and how often. Totally reasonable.
OP, my guilt-tripping and angry MIL has recently taken up internet trolling according to my SIL,. I would not be surprised if she is one of the harpies on here trying to guilt trip you for not falling into line. You clearly care about MIL and plan to be in her life, you just don't want a chart and marching orders. I prefer my SIL to my MIL. Sounds like your SIL is a bossypants.
Anonymous
05/19/2022 20:20
Subject: SILs expect me to be one of MIL's caregivers
I get that your SIL is annoying. Do what you feel like doing because your MIL has been good to you and support your husband, even if that is also what your annoying SIL wants. You won’t regret it.
Anonymous
05/19/2022 19:27
Subject: SILs expect me to be one of MIL's caregivers
OP, you are not a young girl. Show some maturity. You are letting SIL live in your mind rent-free.
Anonymous
05/19/2022 18:57
Subject: SILs expect me to be one of MIL's caregivers
Anonymous wrote:One of the many big mistakes people make in caregiving is bossing others around. SIL can only control herself. If she insists MIL must be at home than she all she can do is collaborate and see if you are willing to help out. It is not her place to tell you how it will be.
Plus, having been through Alzheimer with a parent and inlaw, your SIL is delusional to think it's better to age in place. Wait till caregivers forget to show up.
Also, this is one of the many reasons I plan to do CCRC when I age. It really is enormously selfish to expect the family to dance around you when they are in the thick of it with their own spouses and kids. I want my kids and inlaws to enjoy visiting me, not be running a 3 ring circus to appease me at the expense of their relationships, sanity and health.
OP again.
One of my SILs is very strong willed and she can be incredibly bossy and even manipulative, however I can kind of see where she's coming from.
She adores their mother and she wants only the very best for her (who wouldn't) and she gets frustrated when she cannot achieve this.
She is convinced that it is better if MIL is taken care of in her own home, a familiar environment. She thinks MIL will deteriorate and die quicker in a care home because she won't get the care and attention she gets at home from her caregivers and her children and inlaws.
In fact she hates the idea of their mother moving into a care home. I think she sees it as some sort of betrayal. This is why they hired these aides and helpers. MIL now has round the clock care.
What I don't like is the fact that SIL tries to manage my own time and I don't even live near.
Anonymous
05/19/2022 18:28
Subject: SILs expect me to be one of MIL's caregivers
Anonymous wrote:I think that you need to separate your relationship with your SIL from your relationship with MIL. Can you go to see MIL? Does your personal schedule permit working within the parameters of this electronic calendar? Do you see MIL outside of this schedule -- and if so, how often? Will you feel guilty when she eventually passes if you don't spend this time with her now? It sounds like she's been a good MIL (which seems to be rare on this board!)
I think the SIL is being a bit much, but maybe she knows that MIL would like to see you as well. What about DH? I know it would definitely warm my heart to see him care enough about my parents to make time on a regular basis. Do you have kids? What do you want them to take from this? I'd like my daughter to see me helping MIL, even though MIL can drive me bsc.
I've asked a lot of questions, but I think they are relevant and might help you make a decision, putting aside your self-absorbed SIL.
This is OP again.
My MIL has been a very good MIL, a friendly and caring MIL. Yes, I would absolutely feel guilty if she passes and I haven't seen her enough. I'm actually going to see her with my husband next time he visits. We'll spend time with her and we'll take her out to lunch at her favorite restaurant (she's been talking about how much she wants to go there).
MIL and I have always had a good relationship. My late FIL and I were very good friends too.
I just don't want to be bossed around or taken for granted by my husband's pushy sister who otherwise never has any time for me.
Anonymous
05/19/2022 17:41
Subject: SILs expect me to be one of MIL's caregivers
One of the many big mistakes people make in caregiving is bossing others around. SIL can only control herself. If she insists MIL must be at home than she all she can do is collaborate and see if you are willing to help out. It is not her place to tell you how it will be.
Plus, having been through Alzheimer with a parent and inlaw, your SIL is delusional to think it's better to age in place. Wait till caregivers forget to show up.
Also, this is one of the many reasons I plan to do CCRC when I age. It really is enormously selfish to expect the family to dance around you when they are in the thick of it with their own spouses and kids. I want my kids and inlaws to enjoy visiting me, not be running a 3 ring circus to appease me at the expense of their relationships, sanity and health.
Plus, having been through Alzheimer with a parent and inlaw, your SIL is delusional to think it's better to age in place. Wait till caregivers forget to show up.
Also, this is one of the many reasons I plan to do CCRC when I age. It really is enormously selfish to expect the family to dance around you when they are in the thick of it with their own spouses and kids. I want my kids and inlaws to enjoy visiting me, not be running a 3 ring circus to appease me at the expense of their relationships, sanity and health.
Anonymous
05/19/2022 17:20
Subject: SILs expect me to be one of MIL's caregivers
I hear you and I sympathize. However,
You joined your DH's family and HE joined yours.
Your SIL did not join your family.
If your feelings for MIL indicate you'd like to go visit, you go.
If not, have your husband manage the calendar with his siblings and you stay out of it.
You joined your DH's family and HE joined yours.
Your SIL did not join your family.
If your feelings for MIL indicate you'd like to go visit, you go.
If not, have your husband manage the calendar with his siblings and you stay out of it.
Anonymous
05/19/2022 16:50
Subject: Re:SILs expect me to be one of MIL's caregivers
Hurting your MIL because of your SILs?
Anonymous
05/19/2022 16:04
Subject: SILs expect me to be one of MIL's caregivers
Honestly oversight is really helpful when you have a parent again at home with dementia. I would visit them amount you want to visit. Just know that even going by for half an hour once or twice a month would be helpful. It’s good for the caregivers to know that people might drop by.
Anonymous
05/19/2022 15:47
Subject: Re:SILs expect me to be one of MIL's caregivers
Anonymous wrote:You shouldn't be evaluating your SILs in this at all. Do you want to help your MIL? Don't not help her to spite your SILs. If you don't want to help her, then just say no. But the decision should be based on your relationship with your MIL, not your SILs.
You can also say you don't want to be on the schedule but will visit her and will let them know which days when you decide. Unless that kind of short notice messes with your MILs treatment, of course.
+1. Making this about the SILs and your own parents and tit for tat is the wrong approach. I don't think you have any obligations here, but your reasoning is petty and immature. This is your husband's mother too, and your MIL!
If you don't want to be on the schedule I think that's fine - there are lots of good reasons why you might not be comfortable with that. But, I don't think your resentment towards the SILs is a good reason, and it's the only one you've given so far.
Anonymous
05/19/2022 15:31
Subject: SILs expect me to be one of MIL's caregivers
OP, I would help. And this could also help you be more apart of the family in terms of the SILs. If you don't help, you are guaranteeing never being included. Plenty of people wouldn't care, but at some level you already care, so why cement their mindset against you.
I would offer up one day a week for less time than DH is spending there. Or maybe you and the other sister's DH do one day every other week, so each of you has 2 days/month.
Your DH's taking care of admin offsets the doctor's appt, etc. But the actual time involved in being with their mother AND doing the appts is a lot of time. It's unfortunate the SIL didn't ask if you'd be willing to help rather than just assuming. But who knows, maybe DH offered for you without thinking.
More importantly, this is for your DH and your MIL. Don't have regrets later in life about end of life care.
I would offer up one day a week for less time than DH is spending there. Or maybe you and the other sister's DH do one day every other week, so each of you has 2 days/month.
Your DH's taking care of admin offsets the doctor's appt, etc. But the actual time involved in being with their mother AND doing the appts is a lot of time. It's unfortunate the SIL didn't ask if you'd be willing to help rather than just assuming. But who knows, maybe DH offered for you without thinking.
More importantly, this is for your DH and your MIL. Don't have regrets later in life about end of life care.
Anonymous
05/19/2022 15:23
Subject: Re:SILs expect me to be one of MIL's caregivers
Anonymous wrote:If your SILs have partners/significant others, are they expected to contribute to the care of your MIL? If not, tell the SILs to pound sand, particularly how unsupportive they were when you were dealing with your parents’ illnesses and subsequent deaths.
+1 exactly.
Anonymous
05/19/2022 15:17
Subject: SILs expect me to be one of MIL's caregivers
You can’t equate the relationships. How much help have you done for your SIL’s husbands parents? That’s the equivalent
Anonymous
05/19/2022 15:13
Subject: SILs expect me to be one of MIL's caregivers
I actually had a similar situation in my family -- two close-knit sisters (my mom and aunt) who excluded their SIL to a degree. When Grandma needed help they did not enlist their SIL to do any heavy lifting. (All three women are housewives.) However my uncle (their brother) gave the sisters some money in exchange for all the work they were doing. He also did odd jobs around the house. So no, I don't think this is your responsibility.
Anonymous
05/19/2022 15:00
Subject: SILs expect me to be one of MIL's caregivers
Your DH needs to step in here to tell your SIL's that for your family, the chart will assign his name only. He can loop you in when you are available. This doesn't mean you're unwiling to help, but that in your household it's his name as a rep for the whole family, and then your family decides who is involved. If they claim this is about preparing the grandmother to not confuse her about who is coming, then he needs to ask how far in advance they need a name or names and you should just follow that.
I'd probably go every once in a while or accompany DH, but I also wouldn't want to be on the chart as another person.
It sucks that they didn't show sympathy for you and your parents. But it's not really applicable to this. I do totally get that it makes it sting. In any case, they won't get that, so no sense in bringing it up.
I'd probably go every once in a while or accompany DH, but I also wouldn't want to be on the chart as another person.
It sucks that they didn't show sympathy for you and your parents. But it's not really applicable to this. I do totally get that it makes it sting. In any case, they won't get that, so no sense in bringing it up.