Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. So we host bimonthly cousin sleepovers. We hosted last weekend (when BIL broke the news), they are hosting this weekend. I keep telling her I'm happy to take the kids and/or cancel but she wants to host (says it will be a good distraction). BIL and DS are still living together. I'm not sure I can stomach seeing him right now at pick-up/drop off. Do I ask for him to not be there or suck it up and try to be civil.

Nope. Nope. Nope. Do not send your kids over there to a volatile situation. It is not cool for her to use your kids as a distraction.

Also I wouldn’t feel the need to be civil to that horrible person. No need to yell at him or anything, but being civil is not something he deserves at this point.

I tend to agree with this. Husband should skedaddle for the weekend and maybe you stay with her.

Like, where are the consequences to this guy? Seems like your sister is so invested in staying with him that she's overlooking how incandescently angry she should be.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. So we host bimonthly cousin sleepovers. We hosted last weekend (when BIL broke the news), they are hosting this weekend. I keep telling her I'm happy to take the kids and/or cancel but she wants to host (says it will be a good distraction). BIL and DS are still living together. I'm not sure I can stomach seeing him right now at pick-up/drop off. Do I ask for him to not be there or suck it up and try to be civil.

Nope. Nope. Nope. Do not send your kids over there to a volatile situation. It is not cool for her to use your kids as a distraction.

Also I wouldn’t feel the need to be civil to that horrible person. No need to yell at him or anything, but being civil is not something he deserves at this point.

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks all. Yeah, she is going to do couples counseling, individual therapy...the problem is everywhere is booked! Super hard to get in with all the demand. She told me tonight she got a book "Healing from Infidelity: The Divorce Busting Guide to Rebuilding your Marriage after an Affair". They are both going to do the tasks from the book. It's so shocking and disgusting on so many levels. We're both products of divorce and don't want her (or my) kids to go through that, the covid aspect, the TWO YEARS of lying (we've gone on vacation with them MANY times!), and of course the actual act of sleeping with someone else for that long. A lot to process for both of us. Her kids are still so little, and the thought of raising them solo seems very daunting for her and she's still very much in love with her DH. It will be a long, shitty road.

You sound like you are focusing on the effect on you as much as your sister and her family.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is awful. What are the logistics of having an affair starting in April 2020? Like how was that even possible? I'm assuming they were considered essential to even be out and about enough to do this?

Sorry if this is nosey...

This is my question too. What the heck is the cover story in the middle of the covid lockdown? Not going to the gym or a work trip....

OP here--yeah, I'm really wondering this too. I didn't ask logistics when talking to my sister for obvious reasons. I know he she has been back in work in person since August 2020 (education related work) and he has been home since March/April 2020. He's also had many work trips (but not before vaccines). I have no idea when you could start an affair with two young kids at the very beginning of Covid! Have no idea...but speculating that he'd be the type to go off on long walks by himself so maybe they'd meet up somewhere? It's a question that nags me too.

*SHE has been back at work, my sister. He has been WFH.

So let's review: For two of their nine year marriage he was cheating (likely more than two; I bet this started when she was pregnant with DC2), affair occurred while they had a baby and a toddler, he got to WFH while she went back in person during Covid, and it sounds like he confessed bc AP broke it off.

Yeah this marriage is toast. I say that with no glee. This is a nuclear bomb and I am so, so sorry for your sister. You sound supportive and loving, and it's the right thing to do to support her as he goes through all the iterations of what comes next, including counseling and attempts to reconcile, as it sounds like she wants that. And I can understand. Love is really hard. But this guy? Nopity nope nope.

This marriage may not end right away. But it will end. I'm sorry, and I'm glad she and her kids have you and your family.

HI OP, I think you have to put aside your own feelings for the sake of your sister.

I remember when my dad saw my husband for the first time after my husband's affair and I really did not think my dad would shake his hand. There was a long awkward pause and then my dad did and it's never been mentioned again. I think my dad paused to emphasize it, tbh.

To be in on the situation is hard. But if your sister and husband are to repair their relationship, you have to do two things - support your sister unconditionally (which is seems you are doing) and 2) (and much harder) treat your BIL neutrally. You don't have to be over the top, but it will help your sister if you can just be neutral.

I don't know if they will repair and go on. It's clearly too early to tell. Divorce busting is good. There are other resources. Most marriages survive infidelity - by a huge percentage. A lot depends on what your BIL is willing to do to rebuild trust, and if your sister is also willing to move forward.

I am 16 years past and it was VERY HARD. And infrequently sometimes still is. But I'm glad we put in the work.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. So we host bimonthly cousin sleepovers. We hosted last weekend (when BIL broke the news), they are hosting this weekend. I keep telling her I'm happy to take the kids and/or cancel but she wants to host (says it will be a good distraction). BIL and DS are still living together. I'm not sure I can stomach seeing him right now at pick-up/drop off. Do I ask for him to not be there or suck it up and try to be civil.

Your reaction is understandable, but again, don't make this about you. Focus on your kids, your sister and her kids and just be civil to your BIL even in the light of this new information. And brace yourself for the very real possibility that your sister and her husband will work through this very challenging time. Again, it's not about you.

OP here. So we host bimonthly cousin sleepovers. We hosted last weekend (when BIL broke the news), they are hosting this weekend. I keep telling her I'm happy to take the kids and/or cancel but she wants to host (says it will be a good distraction). BIL and DS are still living together. I'm not sure I can stomach seeing him right now at pick-up/drop off. Do I ask for him to not be there or suck it up and try to be civil.

I don't know that I would necessarily immediately blow up my marriage with my DH who is a great husband and great dad based on an affair. But this seems pretty unforgiveable. The whole covid thing would just really piss me off. And the fact that she broke it off first is not good. Like, he'd still be with her if she had not broken it off. And his kids were soooo little when this started. Yuck.

He sounds like an idiot. Out of the blue your sister says: this specific thing would hurt me more than anything. DH: Oh, I did that thing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is awful. What are the logistics of having an affair starting in April 2020? Like how was that even possible? I'm assuming they were considered essential to even be out and about enough to do this?

Sorry if this is nosey...

This is my question too. What the heck is the cover story in the middle of the covid lockdown? Not going to the gym or a work trip....

OP here--yeah, I'm really wondering this too. I didn't ask logistics when talking to my sister for obvious reasons. I know he she has been back in work in person since August 2020 (education related work) and he has been home since March/April 2020. He's also had many work trips (but not before vaccines). I have no idea when you could start an affair with two young kids at the very beginning of Covid! Have no idea...but speculating that he'd be the type to go off on long walks by himself so maybe they'd meet up somewhere? It's a question that nags me too.

*SHE has been back at work, my sister. He has been WFH.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is awful. What are the logistics of having an affair starting in April 2020? Like how was that even possible? I'm assuming they were considered essential to even be out and about enough to do this?

Sorry if this is nosey...

This is my question too. What the heck is the cover story in the middle of the covid lockdown? Not going to the gym or a work trip....

OP here--yeah, I'm really wondering this too. I didn't ask logistics when talking to my sister for obvious reasons. I know he she has been back in work in person since August 2020 (education related work) and he has been home since March/April 2020. He's also had many work trips (but not before vaccines). I have no idea when you could start an affair with two young kids at the very beginning of Covid! Have no idea...but speculating that he'd be the type to go off on long walks by himself so maybe they'd meet up somewhere? It's a question that nags me too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get her a therapist immediately. Help her with the kids -- watch them when she goes to therapy or needs some time to think. Be there for her and just listen. Help her find a good divorce attorney when she's ready.

I am so sorry- that's really, really hard. What a terrible betrayal on so many levels. I hope she divorces him and moves on and finds happiness.

It's okay if she doesn't divorce him. Infidelity is wrong, yes, but it's so extremely common that people who jump straight to throwing away a family with young children are nuts. There is A LOT to unpack in this affair. Was it sex only? Is he remorseful? Why did he cheat? Did he end it? Is he proactive in trying to heal and help his wife heal? OP, your sister has a long road ahead of her, but do not push her into divorce. You do not know her relationship. She does need therapy. Often the biggest pain comes from her seeing that the last two years of her life were a lie, not necessarily that her DH slept with someone else.

Listen to this poster.!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is awful. What are the logistics of having an affair starting in April 2020? Like how was that even possible? I'm assuming they were considered essential to even be out and about enough to do this?

Sorry if this is nosey...

I just posted below and I also want to know. If the kids are 6 and 3 now her husband was out knocking the boots with his AP while leaving OP's sister home with a 4 year old and 1 year old in 2020. And risking bringing COVID home to all of them. I don't know if I could forgive that.

OMG this!! It’s pretty unforgivable…

Anonymous wrote:This is awful. What are the logistics of having an affair starting in April 2020? Like how was that even possible? I'm assuming they were considered essential to even be out and about enough to do this?

Sorry if this is nosey...

This is my question too. What the heck is the cover story in the middle of the covid lockdown? Not going to the gym or a work trip....

Anonymous wrote:This is awful. What are the logistics of having an affair starting in April 2020? Like how was that even possible? I'm assuming they were considered essential to even be out and about enough to do this?

Sorry if this is nosey...

I just posted below and I also want to know. If the kids are 6 and 3 now her husband was out knocking the boots with his AP while leaving OP's sister home with a 4 year old and 1 year old in 2020. And risking bringing COVID home to all of them. I don't know if I could forgive that.