Anonymous
Post 05/19/2022 12:40     Subject: Re:Requests for gift ideas making me nuts
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don't do this. If I get messages asking about gifts I usually send a response like
"Busy at work today...I'll try to reply tonight"

Then wait...the person continues to send stream of consciousness texts, and I just let them all go and the one random night during the week I'll send back something like
"Those sound like great ideas...any one will do!"

Basically don't engage, send something non-committal as a response and let them spin their wheels and hunt and look for options and change their mind. They can do all that without me engaging.


I forgot, the only one I make an exception for is my mother. She usually just sends me a check for a round number like $500, tells me to get the twins "something small and fun" and put the rest into the grandma fund, which is just a bank account for them. When they are in high school, college, or after, they can take money out of the grandma fund for a big purchase that they want. So I get them each something in the $10-$50 range, based on things that currently come up that they really want, and the rest goes into the grandma fund.


That is amazing!! I wish my mother would do something like that, but, alas, she is more like the relative in OP's post, and does not want wishlists (or any links, she does not online shop). This year she said she wasn't feeling up to shopping and asked me to send gifts to her for my 9yo daughter. I thought maybe this was the year we solved the gift-giving conundrum (!) but, no, when we showed up she had a bunch of gifts she'd bought at one of the discount chains. None of it age appropriate.

Oh well. At least the back-and-forth isn't as bad as OP's, but my mother does get upset when my kids favor gifts from others (who ask for suggestions and wishlists).
Anonymous
Post 05/19/2022 11:43     Subject: Requests for gift ideas making me nuts
I have to admit I love the way my family did it growing up. We were all middle class and money was tight. Their special treat was a check. My parents encouraged me to save the money. I really appreciated it in my teens in college when I needed something like a dress for a formal and then in young adulthood I took the rest of the money and invested it so it grew.

I always wrote thank you notes. It wasn't this prolonged thing. Now this generation has more money to play with and they are obsessed with the perfect gift. The back and forth is too much. I appreciate the relatives who just send a check and my kids have the same mentality I had-save.
Anonymous
Post 05/19/2022 11:32     Subject: Requests for gift ideas making me nuts
I would answer factual questions but respond to every request for input/advice with some variation of "I'm sure they will love whatever you choose!"
Anonymous
Post 05/19/2022 11:26     Subject: Re:Requests for gift ideas making me nuts
Anonymous wrote:I don't do this. If I get messages asking about gifts I usually send a response like
"Busy at work today...I'll try to reply tonight"

Then wait...the person continues to send stream of consciousness texts, and I just let them all go and the one random night during the week I'll send back something like
"Those sound like great ideas...any one will do!"

Basically don't engage, send something non-committal as a response and let them spin their wheels and hunt and look for options and change their mind. They can do all that without me engaging.


I forgot, the only one I make an exception for is my mother. She usually just sends me a check for a round number like $500, tells me to get the twins "something small and fun" and put the rest into the grandma fund, which is just a bank account for them. When they are in high school, college, or after, they can take money out of the grandma fund for a big purchase that they want. So I get them each something in the $10-$50 range, based on things that currently come up that they really want, and the rest goes into the grandma fund.
Anonymous
Post 05/19/2022 11:23     Subject: Re:Requests for gift ideas making me nuts
I don't do this. If I get messages asking about gifts I usually send a response like
"Busy at work today...I'll try to reply tonight"

Then wait...the person continues to send stream of consciousness texts, and I just let them all go and the one random night during the week I'll send back something like
"Those sound like great ideas...any one will do!"

Basically don't engage, send something non-committal as a response and let them spin their wheels and hunt and look for options and change their mind. They can do all that without me engaging.
Anonymous
Post 05/19/2022 11:09     Subject: Re:Requests for gift ideas making me nuts
My Mom is a bit like this. Either go the amazon wish list route and direct her there each time she asks or pick something specific and send her the link. If she asks about something else just say "I'm sure she'll like whatever you pick but I really think she would love xyz and send the link again. I would not continually do research on her different ideas.
Anonymous
Post 05/19/2022 11:08     Subject: Requests for gift ideas making me nuts
I went through this w my MIL. My standard reply is, “they are easygoing kids without a ton of “wants!” I know they will love whatever you choose for them. 🤗
Anonymous
Post 05/19/2022 11:03     Subject: Re:Requests for gift ideas making me nuts
omg this would drive me nuts too. Especially because we are not even that into gifts.

Maybe she is just lonely/bored and wants to engage with you. My MIL used to do this, and I think it was just an excuse to reach out and talk, and also her love language is definitely gifts, so she simultaneously wanted to convey how much effort and trouble she was going through to find the perfect gift. After many years, I successfully removed myself as the go-to gift idea person for everyone in my family.
Anonymous
Post 05/18/2022 07:35     Subject: Requests for gift ideas making me nuts
Anonymous wrote:Yup, this would drive me nuts, too. But, there is another side of the coin. My kids aunt never even acknowledges my kids.


This may have nothing to do with you, but we had to stop sending gifts to my nieces even though we followed with what they wanted because my sister turned every gift for our kids into an a month of crazy worse than what the OP describes. Her justification was she had to reciprocate. Our nieces know we love them and they know their mother is nuts (though we'd never say anything to them...they say themselves). It is more important that they know we love them and are here for them than that they get a gift in the mail. We are close. I had aunts and uncles send us gifts who we have no relationship with and never really felt connected to beyond writing a thank you note. Being a good person and as cheesy as it sounds love is much more important than stuff. Too often stuff is just an excuse to manipulate.
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2022 18:51     Subject: Requests for gift ideas making me nuts
Anonymous wrote:NP but with people like this, wishlists don't work. I just stopped responding to DH's crazy aunt.


Yeah, wish lists don’t work with people like this. It won’t give her the attention she’s looking for.

Just give her a couple ideas when she first asks, then repeat “I gave you my best ideas” every subsequent time. Do not engage in the back and forth.
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2022 17:49     Subject: Requests for gift ideas making me nuts
Yup, this would drive me nuts, too. But, there is another side of the coin. My kids aunt never even acknowledges my kids.
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2022 14:28     Subject: Requests for gift ideas making me nuts
Anonymous wrote:Total first world problem here, but it’s driving me crazy so I’m posting in hopes of getting some strategies for coping. : )

A sweet aunt buys gifts for my kids for holidays, birthdays, ect. I have told her this isn’t necessary but she insists. The problem? She engages me in DAYS of back and forth via text asking for suggestions for each occasion. And then, inevitably, she buys something completely random that we hadn’t even talked about. That 100% of the time ends up in the donation pile (lately, some items have gone directly in the trash because they’re too useless to donate). Yes, I sound like a brat typing this out. My main issue isn’t even the “stuff” and getting rid of it or the fact that it’s a total waste (which bothers me). My issue is the amount of time and energy she takes from me engaging on the gift selection. Example text exchange:

Monday:
Her: DC2’s birthday is coming up! Any gift ideas?
Me: You’re so sweet to think of her! No need to send anything!
Her: I’m buying her something! So tell me what she’s into, what she needs, what she wants.
Me: She just learned to ride a bike, so a bell or a basket for her bike would be great. Or maybe a small soccer ball to kick around the yard. Thanks!
Her: OK! I’m looking into both of those ideas. What color is her bike? What are her favorite colors? What size soccer ball would be right for her? Would she play with a basketball? If so what size?
Me: ((responds with details about colors, sizes, and a direct link to a soccer ball that would be great))

Tuesday:
Her: I was looking into gifts for DC2. I’m thinking about going in a different direction. What do you think of roller skates?
Me: That would be fun but I don’t want you to spend that much money!
Her: I want to! I remember learning to roller skate at that age. I want to get them for her. But I can’t figure out which ones.
Me: (researches, sends a link to a pair that would work plus I figure out size)
Her: This looks great!

A few hours later:
Her: I was looking at the roller skates and I’m not sure what kind of socks she would wear with them.
Me: She has tons of socks! You don’t need to send socks.
Her: (Sends links to a few pairs of socks)
Me: Seriously, no socks!

A few hours later:
Her: The roller skates seem to complicated with all the accessories. Any other ideas?
Me: How about a gift card to get ice cream? We have so much “stuff” so a consumable gift is always great
Her: she’s too young for a gift card. I want to get her something fun to open!

RINSE AND REPEAT—no joke, this goes on back and forth for another week. Random pings from her throughout the day requiring me to think about and respond to ideas and questions.

END RESULT: an amazon package arrives with something we hadn’t even discussed that is cr*p that I wouldn’t even donate.

How do I disengage from this without resorting to simply not responding to texts? If the end result is a piece of cr*p delivered to our door, so be it, but I want to get out of these text exchanges.
As I’m typing this example text exchange, I realize it sounds like she’s elderly or totally losing it – and she’s not!

Help! DC1's birthday is coming up! : )


Giftcards
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2022 14:20     Subject: Re:Requests for gift ideas making me nuts
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP if this seems like a burden to you, you might be stretched too thin. Nobody has a perfect family. A well-meaning, perhaps bored aunt who sends too many gift texts is not high on the list of problems that come with being in a family. This should be mildly annoying but very manageable. If it feels like you can’t deal, you may be too busy.


Said somebody who does not understand the way dysfunctional people operate. Most likely the aunts behavior is a SYMPTOM of a whole lot of crazy. If you understand how dysfunction works you understand the little thing is often just another example a large gaping issue like the person is....controlling or manipulative or dramatic and for whatever reason it's the annoying barrage of texts that sends us into frustration when really it's a sign of a person who is just a jerk. Gifts are the PERFECT way to let out one's crazy and be passive aggressive, because it's a giiiiiiift, everyone should be gracious and kind about gifts? How could someone who gives gifts be anything but generous?


This X1000. Gifts are like siren calling for the crazies. We had one who would not not do this but who would demand to be included in whatever the kids were doing for their birthday parties. This did not, would not and will not work. Her angle in was that she wanted to bring them a cake but actually she wanted them to spend the day with her baking the cake. She didn’t care that logistically this wouldn’t work or that the kids had no and have never had any interest in spending the day with her. They especially were not going to cancel their party with friends at a fun venue . She was really ugly when we said no thank you. She thought she had found the perfect way to manipulate in.