Anonymous wrote:Also what people are missing is that she has been suicidal at times. I have lost other people to suicide in my life and of course it is absolutely devastating. That's a lot of burden on a child if the parent is not in a position to take care of themselves. She has never really been independent. She has either lived with my parents or her spouse who is supportive but I just don't know if this is the best idea. But she is an adult and it's her choice.

So what’s your point? Do you want to force your sister to have an abortion? Should suicide attempt survivors be forced to be sterilized?

Your options are:

1. Try to help your sister

2. Call CPS if you have actual knowledge that the child is being harmed after it’s born

You can worry all you want but you don’t have any control over this situation. Get therapy if you need help processing your concern.

Why does your MIL have an opinion on your sister? Why are you gossiping about your sister with your MIL?

Also what people are missing is that she has been suicidal at times. I have lost other people to suicide in my life and of course it is absolutely devastating. That's a lot of burden on a child if the parent is not in a position to take care of themselves. She has never really been independent. She has either lived with my parents or her spouse who is supportive but I just don't know if this is the best idea. But she is an adult and it's her choice.

Some responses here have been very helpful. Others are pretty judgmental and one sided.

My sister had a lot of issues growing up. I am not so worried about autism and ADHD. The bipolar is what it really worries me, she has intense mood swings, isn't necessarily on meds and has shown to have poor judgment with relationships. She has trouble taking care of herself in basic ways, and needs a lot of support. She is fortunate that her husband is very supportive. I don't know if he has a learning disability, he might have slight one. He is employed in a blue collar job. His family is very close knit and is very involved in their lives. His mom is a bit of helicopter parent.

My family was extremely dysfunctional for various reasons. I was not the golden child. What happened is that my sister needed lots of support and so the other children to some extent were supposed to grow up fast and be perfect and not cause too much trouble.

I am not jealous she is having a child. I am worried about the child. I don't know if she has what it takes to be a good parent and I worry that the child might not get what it needs from her. We don't talk once a year, we see each other once a year. We do calls in between but they are usually pretty one sided and they are all about her and her issues but she doesn't think to ask about me or anything in my life. So I don't usually call her very often. I feel she might not be equipped to handle being a parent. She didn't have a good relationship especially with my dad, and I don't have a super close relationship with my parents either. I am concerned that she is taking on more than she can at this time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think OP may have some valid concerns. My grandmother was bipolar, and ended up almost killing my father twice as an infant. First, she almost starved him to death, and his grandparents stepped in to save his life, and second, she almost burned him alive during a manic episode. His four year old sister saved him that time.

So what? My husband’s mother has bipolar and BPD and was hospitalized a number of times during his childhood for psychiatric episodes. He’s super successful and well adjusted. Do you see how dumb one off anecdotes are?

OP’s post comes across as her wanting to punish her sister for cutting off her parents. Your sister doesn’t like your parents and probably doesn’t like you. Let it go. Maybe it’s unfair but it is what it is. I don’t believe you are motivated by love for a child you haven’t met because they don’t exist yet. You can’t do anything about it and there aren’t really any options for the child that wouldn’t be traumatic. I’m actually curious as to whether OP is married with children as well or if it is jealousy at the undeserving sister having something they don’t have.

On page 1 OP says she chose not to have children because of mental illness in the family, and that the other siblings don't have kids either.

So yes, it does seem like it might be a case of "how dare the 'messed-up' one do something that we, the normals, have chosen not to do?!"

Anonymous wrote:I think OP may have some valid concerns. My grandmother was bipolar, and ended up almost killing my father twice as an infant. First, she almost starved him to death, and his grandparents stepped in to save his life, and second, she almost burned him alive during a manic episode. His four year old sister saved him that time.

So what? My husband’s mother has bipolar and BPD and was hospitalized a number of times during his childhood for psychiatric episodes. He’s super successful and well adjusted. Do you see how dumb one off anecdotes are?

OP’s post comes across as her wanting to punish her sister for cutting off her parents. Your sister doesn’t like your parents and probably doesn’t like you. Let it go. Maybe it’s unfair but it is what it is. I don’t believe you are motivated by love for a child you haven’t met because they don’t exist yet. You can’t do anything about it and there aren’t really any options for the child that wouldn’t be traumatic. I’m actually curious as to whether OP is married with children as well or if it is jealousy at the undeserving sister having something they don’t have.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I believe you about your sister and your concern, but I just want to bring up some possibilities you might not have considered:

It is possible that:

Your sister experienced trauma in your family, and it was not addressed
Your parents are not perfect, or even good, and you are in denial about it
Your sister is doing better, has supportive people around, because she distanced from your family
Your sister was misdiagnosed, has suffered mental illness compounded by misunderstanding

Or not. In any case, I support earlier comments to stay close and ready to help the child if needed.

I agree with all of this except the staying close to help the child. I think the OP should distance herself- seems like it would be beneficial for the OP and her sister.

It sounds like they grew up in a dysfunctional family where the sister was the scapegoat and the OP was perhaps the golden child. OP will admit to her dad being "strict," "difficult to be around," and "like oil and water" with the sister, but smooths it all over by saying he helps out a lot. She says her heart was broken by her sister cutting her parents off, that the parents didn't deserve it, and that the were 100% supportive of the sister. This is a very one sided story.
OP claims she has consulted another sibling who says OP has *never* done anything unkind toward the sister. OP says sister has been in institutions much of her life- did this begin in childhood/teenage years at the parents' doing? Are they the ones who started her on psychiatric medications and/or electoconvulsive therapy?

Let the sister live her life. Let her heal. She has married, cut off her parents, and is becoming a mother. You said yourself you aren't close to her, and that she has an involved and present husband and in-laws. Leave her in peace and stop trying to drag out the dynamic of you as the superior, sane sister.

You can’t do anything about it so why worry?

I think OP may have some valid concerns. My grandmother was bipolar, and ended up almost killing my father twice as an infant. First, she almost starved him to death, and his grandparents stepped in to save his life, and second, she almost burned him alive during a manic episode. His four year old sister saved him that time.

Hope you, her and her husband have a solid plan for full-time supporting roles once the baby arrives. They won't be able to handle the craziness of newborn life, on their own.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, be honest with yourself here. Are you basically implying your sister should not be allowed to be a parent? Are you interested in having her baby taken away?

Your posts and attitude toward your sister are very harsh. You make excuses for everyone else, but her; in particular when discussing your parents. You also imply that your decision to not have a baby is right and her decision to have one is wrong.

Persons with disabilities, including mental ones, have parenting and constitutional rights. How do you know she won’t be a good parent, and doesn’t have a good support system? Because she hasn’t even had the baby yet. You don’t know. Just like you don’t know someone without bipolar and who has a cleaning driving record would be a good one.

Disabled people have been discriminated against for parenting since forever. Instead of shaming and shaking your head at your sister’s decisions, instead of having eugenic views about who should and should not be allowed to parent, why not support her, why not help her, why not educate yourself. Worried about her being a parent and having bipolar, talk to other bipolar parents. Worried about her driving, offer to pay for her Ubers or suggest driving lesson, etc.

The snap judgment that she shouldn’t be a mother is wrong. Plus that ship has sailed, she’s pregnant. And implying she shouldn’t have parenting rights is also wrong. It’s people like you that want babies taken from disabled mothers in the hospital by CPS. Shameful.

You have no clue what you're talking about. I'm not OP, but I am parenting a child with special needs, and I had to deal with mental illness in adult relatives, and indeed in my own spouse. Sometimes the "rights" they have end up hurting them, and hurting other innocent people. This isn't a question of respect, it's not a moral debate, it's a very pragmatic question of protecting an innocent life, the baby's, from the worse of their mother's instincts.

I would say "shame on you" for blaming OP who is trying to help... but I'd rather educate you than shame you. I hope you will never have to live what I and OP and others have had to go through.

I am physically, permanently disabled, so your rights don’t trump mine. I’m sorry for your situation which sounds very stressful and hard for you. But just because of what is happening for you it has no bearing on hypothetically what could happen to this unborn baby. No one has any idea what kind of mother the sister will be. I, and she, have a constitutional, fundamental right to build a family. We also have 14th amendment due process rights (the exact ones that are being argued in the current roe v wade debate). The facts still remain: this woman has not given birth and there is zero track record of how she will be as a mother, and there is no evidence she is harming the baby in the womb such as using drugs/alcohol, etc. What people like her and her future child need are the support networks to allow BOTH of them to thrive. How do you know she isn’t thriving now? Because of what has happened to you? Or me? Neither of us know. The baby is coming, let’s give them a chance.

I hope you never have to live my life either. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. But don’t dismiss my rights. I’ve had my 14th amendment rights trampled over plenty of times as a person with a disability (access to healthcare, education, parenting rights, accessibility). Trust me, this is not something to just dismiss.

Anonymous wrote:It is a concern when she has trouble functioning and doing basic things. I worry that it is too much for her to handle and it would be difficult for the child as well. Just in the same way that people are concerned Britney Spears is pregnant again and doing questionable things that make people worry about her ability to be a good parent to this child at a stage in her life.

Autism is not the same thing as Britney Spears mental health issues. Plenty of autistic people have kids and raise them to adulthood. Either way though…there’s nothing you can do. She’s an adult. And hopefully her husband is able to parent. What advice do you think you are going to get here? How to win custody of the baby that hasn’t even arrived yet?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, be honest with yourself here. Are you basically implying your sister should not be allowed to be a parent? Are you interested in having her baby taken away?

Your posts and attitude toward your sister are very harsh. You make excuses for everyone else, but her; in particular when discussing your parents. You also imply that your decision to not have a baby is right and her decision to have one is wrong.

Persons with disabilities, including mental ones, have parenting and constitutional rights. How do you know she won’t be a good parent, and doesn’t have a good support system? Because she hasn’t even had the baby yet. You don’t know. Just like you don’t know someone without bipolar and who has a cleaning driving record would be a good one.

Disabled people have been discriminated against for parenting since forever. Instead of shaming and shaking your head at your sister’s decisions, instead of having eugenic views about who should and should not be allowed to parent, why not support her, why not help her, why not educate yourself. Worried about her being a parent and having bipolar, talk to other bipolar parents. Worried about her driving, offer to pay for her Ubers or suggest driving lesson, etc.

The snap judgment that she shouldn’t be a mother is wrong. Plus that ship has sailed, she’s pregnant. And implying she shouldn’t have parenting rights is also wrong. It’s people like you that want babies taken from disabled mothers in the hospital by CPS. Shameful.

+1

And OP comes across very self-centered, has thrown out multiple potential diagnoses for her sister, pretends to know a ton about her sister's daily life despite only speaking to her once per year, etc. Examine your own toxic behavior OP and perhaps you also need some therapy.

+1 I feel like OP's main issue is that her sister's rejection of their parents calls into question the health of their family of origin. OP is very invested in "sister=bad, parents=good" and can't deal with the cognitive dissonance presented by her sister's new life. I'm not sure I see true concern for the sister here, but perhaps jealousy that the "bad sister" is going to have a baby.

Anonymous wrote:OP, be honest with yourself here. Are you basically implying your sister should not be allowed to be a parent? Are you interested in having her baby taken away?

Your posts and attitude toward your sister are very harsh. You make excuses for everyone else, but her; in particular when discussing your parents. You also imply that your decision to not have a baby is right and her decision to have one is wrong.

Persons with disabilities, including mental ones, have parenting and constitutional rights. How do you know she won’t be a good parent, and doesn’t have a good support system? Because she hasn’t even had the baby yet. You don’t know. Just like you don’t know someone without bipolar and who has a cleaning driving record would be a good one.

Disabled people have been discriminated against for parenting since forever. Instead of shaming and shaking your head at your sister’s decisions, instead of having eugenic views about who should and should not be allowed to parent, why not support her, why not help her, why not educate yourself. Worried about her being a parent and having bipolar, talk to other bipolar parents. Worried about her driving, offer to pay for her Ubers or suggest driving lesson, etc.

The snap judgment that she shouldn’t be a mother is wrong. Plus that ship has sailed, she’s pregnant. And implying she shouldn’t have parenting rights is also wrong. It’s people like you that want babies taken from disabled mothers in the hospital by CPS. Shameful.

You have no clue what you're talking about. I'm not OP, but I am parenting a child with special needs, and I had to deal with mental illness in adult relatives, and indeed in my own spouse. Sometimes the "rights" they have end up hurting them, and hurting other innocent people. This isn't a question of respect, it's not a moral debate, it's a very pragmatic question of protecting an innocent life, the baby's, from the worse of their mother's instincts.

I would say "shame on you" for blaming OP who is trying to help... but I'd rather educate you than shame you. I hope you will never have to live what I and OP and others have had to go through.

Anonymous wrote:OP, be honest with yourself here. Are you basically implying your sister should not be allowed to be a parent? Are you interested in having her baby taken away?

Your posts and attitude toward your sister are very harsh. You make excuses for everyone else, but her; in particular when discussing your parents. You also imply that your decision to not have a baby is right and her decision to have one is wrong.

Persons with disabilities, including mental ones, have parenting and constitutional rights. How do you know she won’t be a good parent, and doesn’t have a good support system? Because she hasn’t even had the baby yet. You don’t know. Just like you don’t know someone without bipolar and who has a cleaning driving record would be a good one.

Disabled people have been discriminated against for parenting since forever. Instead of shaming and shaking your head at your sister’s decisions, instead of having eugenic views about who should and should not be allowed to parent, why not support her, why not help her, why not educate yourself. Worried about her being a parent and having bipolar, talk to other bipolar parents. Worried about her driving, offer to pay for her Ubers or suggest driving lesson, etc.

The snap judgment that she shouldn’t be a mother is wrong. Plus that ship has sailed, she’s pregnant. And implying she shouldn’t have parenting rights is also wrong. It’s people like you that want babies taken from disabled mothers in the hospital by CPS. Shameful.

+1

And OP comes across very self-centered, has thrown out multiple potential diagnoses for her sister, pretends to know a ton about her sister's daily life despite only speaking to her once per year, etc. Examine your own toxic behavior OP and perhaps you also need some therapy.