Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Its so freeing to get old (42), have older kids (tweens and teens), and be married a long time (18 years). I truly just don't GAF about the actual day of mother's day. So we spend the day with my local inlaws every year. (My mom is dead.) Sometime in the week or so before, I get myself a massage and a mani-pedi, buy some new spring clothes, and have DH go with me to a favorite restaurant. He doesn't have to disappoint his petulant immature guilt-tripping mother, and I score points for being the most understanding wife ever.

It takes so much less energy to just not care.

And what do the points scored by enabling his mother get you? I don’t disagree that not caring is liberating but I wouldn’t be impressed by your DH in the slightest if, by the time he has tweens, he doesn’t have boundaries with his own mother.

I get the appreciation of my husband and thankfulness that I understand his mother puts him in a terrible position, and he is still a caring son (which I admire - I don’t get all these wives who think their husbands should tell their moms to eff off.) He is a caring and thoughtful spouse, and if I had a tantrum about Mother’s Day, I would “win” and get my way. But why?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Its so freeing to get old (42), have older kids (tweens and teens), and be married a long time (18 years). I truly just don't GAF about the actual day of mother's day. So we spend the day with my local inlaws every year. (My mom is dead.) Sometime in the week or so before, I get myself a massage and a mani-pedi, buy some new spring clothes, and have DH go with me to a favorite restaurant. He doesn't have to disappoint his petulant immature guilt-tripping mother, and I score points for being the most understanding wife ever.

It takes so much less energy to just not care.

And what do the points scored by enabling his mother get you? I don’t disagree that not caring is liberating but I wouldn’t be impressed by your DH in the slightest if, by the time he has tweens, he doesn’t have boundaries with his own mother.

Oof. Score points? PP try to come off emotionally intelligent but then showed true colors.

Anonymous wrote:Its so freeing to get old (42), have older kids (tweens and teens), and be married a long time (18 years). I truly just don't GAF about the actual day of mother's day. So we spend the day with my local inlaws every year. (My mom is dead.) Sometime in the week or so before, I get myself a massage and a mani-pedi, buy some new spring clothes, and have DH go with me to a favorite restaurant. He doesn't have to disappoint his petulant immature guilt-tripping mother, and I score points for being the most understanding wife ever.

It takes so much less energy to just not care.

And what do the points scored by enabling his mother get you? I don’t disagree that not caring is liberating but I wouldn’t be impressed by your DH in the slightest if, by the time he has tweens, he doesn’t have boundaries with his own mother.

My mother, who seldom bought records, bought one called "No Charge", which is the story of a little boy handing his mother a bill for his chores, and her countering with all she has sacrificed for him with the refrain " no charge". I hated that song.

My kids managed to remember to text. I got some chocolate. I'm happy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am so pissed. My Dh basically lied to me about where we were going. It was a day with his mom. All her favorite foods and we drove 3 hours each way to see her. My infant has been screaming his head off for 2 hours. He lied to me because he knew I asked to go to a winery or a nice picnic. Clearly he thought his mom was more important than me and that my feelings weren’t as important as hers. He thought I could just suck it up and celebrate another day.

This deserves it’s own thread.

I have no words…

I struggled with this early on. Now DH and I pick another day to celebrate my Mother’s Day. Either Saturday or the following week. It’s lovely and I don’t mind at all. My mom can have actual Mother’s Day. Maybe it was easier to navigate because it’s my mom and not MIL who causes the issues. But highly recommend being flexible about when you celebrate and also setting explicit expectations for DH.

Anonymous wrote:Its so freeing to get old (42), have older kids (tweens and teens), and be married a long time (18 years). I truly just don't GAF about the actual day of mother's day. So we spend the day with my local inlaws every year. (My mom is dead.) Sometime in the week or so before, I get myself a massage and a mani-pedi, buy some new spring clothes, and have DH go with me to a favorite restaurant. He doesn't have to disappoint his petulant immature guilt-tripping mother, and I score points for being the most understanding wife ever.

It takes so much less energy to just not care.

This is me and I’m happy I saw the light too!

I need more details on the DH who implied you were going to a winery but momnapped you and drove to your MILs. We need details!@

Anonymous wrote:I am so pissed. My Dh basically lied to me about where we were going. It was a day with his mom. All her favorite foods and we drove 3 hours each way to see her. My infant has been screaming his head off for 2 hours. He lied to me because he knew I asked to go to a winery or a nice picnic. Clearly he thought his mom was more important than me and that my feelings weren’t as important as hers. He thought I could just suck it up and celebrate another day.

This deserves it’s own thread.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, why not celebrate with your mom on a different day? Take her to brunch on Friday or Saturday solo without the kids. Just say I prefer to spend my mother's day enjoying time with my kids and welcome her to join in what you like.

To the other poster who ended up celebrating mother in law and having the long drive, I would lay down the law and say I will never ever again spend mothers day doing things your mother enjoys. If that is the case he should visit his mom solo. Sounds like this may be on of your first mothers days as you mentioned an infant. Better establish expectations early.

I have tried to celebrate and all hell breaks loose. This is the path of least resistance, so that’s what we did this year, but I’m just resentful.

Resent yourself. These are choices you are making.

Anonymous wrote:Op here… I guess I’m mostly frustrated that my mom won’t give up the day AND doesn’t ask maybe what I’d like to do. If I have to share the day, fine, but taking my young kids to brunch isn’t it.

Why does she have to give up the day. Let her do what she wants and you do what you want. A therapist can help you unwind this. You have kids of your own but cannot figure out how to live your own life?

Then do not do it. You are grown, do what you want.
You are more afraid of their reactions than your own disappointment. Deal with it.

It's sweet and lovely to get flowers and a card and homemade gifts from my kids on Mother's Day, I love it. However, as their mom, taking care of them is not a freaking sacrifice I'm making that they will need to be endlessly grateful to me about for the rest of their lives. We also celebrate Children's Day (it really is a thing) and I think it balances things out and makes these holidays about appreciating the presence of everyone in the family, not just mom. I detest the idea of mother's day as a day to express gratitude for "mother's sacrifices" I don't experience mothering as a sacrifice...It's an honor to be a mom, but I suspect I feel that way because of freedom of choice and bodily autonomy.

I think it would be awesome to make Children's Day (it always falls on the first Sunday in June) a holiday that is as recognized as Mother's Day and Father's Day. Imagine if a couple weeks after Mother's Day, our mothers or MILs celebrated/appreciated our role as their children. Might make Mother's Day feel more balanced instead of like a day of being expected to fawn over a parent whose prime parenting years ended decades ago.

OP, This is my gift to you:

Anonymous wrote:Op here… I guess I’m mostly frustrated that my mom won’t give up the day AND doesn’t ask maybe what I’d like to do. If I have to share the day, fine, but taking my young kids to brunch isn’t it.

She doesn’t have to. You’ve made it clear to her you will do what she wants when she wants you to so why should she ask?

Consider the example you’re setting for your own children and insist upon better for yourself next year. I’m sorry but a
No One will do it for you.