Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How often is she nursing?
I’m an extended nurser, but I think clearly your daughter is just mad that she’s with the nanny and knows that mom is guaranteed to come out if she asks to nurse. I think if your wife were actually with her all day, she wouldn’t demand this much milk. I think if you want your daughter to accept the nanny’s care, you have to stick to set nursing times. Maybe at first it can be every 2 hours even! Make it a clear routine.

I’m the father/husband. No, my daughter is with my wife three days a week and it’s exactly the same. She wants to nurse when she wants to nurse even in the car seat. She cried for mommy and signs milk.

My wife cannot adhere to any routine regarding breastfeeding.



Thank you everyone for responding.

OP, do you give bottles of pumped breast milk? Or has your wife been doing all the feeding so far? If you do give bottles, how does your daughter react to being offered a bottle instead of nursing?

Does your wife *want* to adhere to a routine regarding breastfeeding? I think there was an earlier PP who suggested you need to understand what your wife wants; I think that person is onto something.

This sounds extreme to me. I nursed until 26 months. Around 22 months I started feeling like it was time to wean because my daughter would want it more and more (we had usual/set feed times) and she only wanted mommy when she was upset. Weaning helped her a lot. We did give her advanced warning (about a week) and she understood. She was sad and asked for it and cried for a few days, but was soon over it. And now she often wants Daddy.

As PPs have said, this is now a comfort thing. If she wants to nurse 24/7 I think it’s time to wean and get her to find other ways to self-soothe.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Clearly this isn’t about nourishment, but about attention. Could your wife start by cuddling your dd when she asks for breast, but telling dd that she doesn’t have any more milk right then, but she will later? It sounds like your dd needs to know that she can get snuggled close without nursing. Once she understands that she doesn’t have to nurse to get comfort, the next step is to gradually increase the time between snuggles. Maybe an occasional 30 second FaceTime could replace a snuggle time. Also, your wife may be able to get through a conference call (or whatever she needs to do) if she makes sure to give dd some snuggle time immediately beforehand.

Yeah, my daughter knows Mommy will snuggle her anytime. But when she wants breast - she wants breast.

Are you sure about that? It seems like your dd has figured out that nursing is something only Mommy does, so crying for nursing is a sure fire way to get Mommy whenever she wants.

Yes, I am very sure about that. My wife works part time and is always available to the kids. My daughter cries to nurse when she’s home alone with Mommy for the day if my wife has to change her first or get a different shirt on.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Clearly this isn’t about nourishment, but about attention. Could your wife start by cuddling your dd when she asks for breast, but telling dd that she doesn’t have any more milk right then, but she will later? It sounds like your dd needs to know that she can get snuggled close without nursing. Once she understands that she doesn’t have to nurse to get comfort, the next step is to gradually increase the time between snuggles. Maybe an occasional 30 second FaceTime could replace a snuggle time. Also, your wife may be able to get through a conference call (or whatever she needs to do) if she makes sure to give dd some snuggle time immediately beforehand.

Yeah, my daughter knows Mommy will snuggle her anytime. But when she wants breast - she wants breast.

Are you sure about that? It seems like your dd has figured out that nursing is something only Mommy does, so crying for nursing is a sure fire way to get Mommy whenever she wants.

Anonymous wrote:Mom continuing to breastfeed a 20 month old even through her crying for it bothers the f

… father, older child, and nanny is a family issue. It is not just about the mother and toddler. So, I’ll say it: tell you wife it’s time to wean. Everyone will be happier.

Mom continuing to breastfeed a 20 month old even through her crying for it bothers the f

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I assume your baby is on solid food so this isn’t about nutrition. Who is not happy with the nursing—you or your wife?

A 20 month old is NOT a baby….

So what is she? I would say she is a baby. Toddlers ARE babies!

Toddlers are toddlers. Look it up. You can think if your college aged kid as a baby too and that doesn’t make it true.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I assume your baby is on solid food so this isn’t about nutrition. Who is not happy with the nursing—you or your wife?

A 20 month old is NOT a baby….

So what is she? I would say she is a baby. Toddlers ARE babies!

Anonymous wrote:How often is she nursing?
I’m an extended nurser, but I think clearly your daughter is just mad that she’s with the nanny and knows that mom is guaranteed to come out if she asks to nurse. I think if your wife were actually with her all day, she wouldn’t demand this much milk. I think if you want your daughter to accept the nanny’s care, you have to stick to set nursing times. Maybe at first it can be every 2 hours even! Make it a clear routine.

I’m the father/husband. No, my daughter is with my wife three days a week and it’s exactly the same. She wants to nurse when she wants to nurse even in the car seat. She cried for mommy and signs milk.

My wife cannot adhere to any routine regarding breastfeeding.



Thank you everyone for responding.

I happily BF both my kids til 2 years old. It was a really good experience for all involved. First, let's acknowledge that your wife went through a lot to BF. Even if you enjoy it, it takes a toll on your body, your hormones, your time. You can love it and feel touched out at the same time. But time flies and this time will pass, so try to be as supportive and empathetic as you can be while you guys figure out how to move forward. You being a supportive partner can only benefit everyone.

All that being said, it can be an incredibly convenient way to soothe your child and that can become a routine. I can't blame anyone involved for creating that pattern but if it becomes untenable for your family, it's certainly something you can actively work on. I agree with the PP that your daughter will show her big feelings as change is a big deal for toddlers. Let her have those feelings and sit with her in the discomfort. Start by explaining to her what is going to happen a few times. "Mama's best only comes out when we wake up, when we take a nap and when we go to bed. (or whatever you decide are the appropriate times). When she gets upset, don't try to use distraction. Be direct about it. "I know. I hear you. You are mad/sad/upset that you can't have best with Mama. You really want it but it's resting right now. You can have it before nap." Repeat this process....a lot.

If you are ready to wean, I did a countdown with my kids. I started about 10 days before and explained that we would only nurse for 10 more sleeps and then you're a big boy and drink milk from a cup". Then 9 days, then 8 days....etc. It worked weirdly well. Kids need (and deserve) to know what to expect and when given that respect, they often surprise you! Remember to acknowledge your wife's hard work in taking care of your kids and the emotions she will have about ending this sweet time in her and your daughter's life (when her little girls needed her this way). Good luck!

How often is she nursing?
I’m an extended nurser, but I think clearly your daughter is just mad that she’s with the nanny and knows that mom is guaranteed to come out if she asks to nurse. I think if your wife were actually with her all day, she wouldn’t demand this much milk. I think if you want your daughter to accept the nanny’s care, you have to stick to set nursing times. Maybe at first it can be every 2 hours even! Make it a clear routine.

Have your wife look up the Milk Meg. She has lots of advice for gentle weaning in extended breastfeeding.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your wife has to stay out of sight of the younger child. Could the nanny take the kids out of the house for small portions of the day? 20 months is still within the real of normal. I don’t think you can convince your wife to wean until she and baby are both ready.

And my daughter knows where my wife’s office is and tells us she’s going to Mommy for breast. You cannot distract her and she cries and calls for Mommy u til Mommy let’s her in.

My pediatrician told me, when I asked how long would be too long to nurse, "when the kid can ask for it, they are too old". Sounds like you are there. It's becoming a problem. How are her teeth?

Sounds like your ped has some internalized issues. So a kid that talks at 12 months vs 22 months? One would need to be weaned at 12 vs 22. Or how about the old- when they get teeth? So a kid gets teeth at 6 months vs 14months? One kid has to wean at 6 months.

How do you respect your pediatricians with this idiotic, obviously personal preference and not medically based, advice?

Relax, if a pediatrician said this, it was 1990.

Not true. A large ped group in HoCo had some pediatricians who had similar instructions/feelings. Most pediatricians are fine with breastfeeding up to 12 months and then have these weird opinions.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you could talk to the pediatrician. He might have advice on weaning. It sounds like nobody’s happy with the current arrangement. I have absolutely no expertise, but I wonder if maybe she’s not getting enough nutrition anymore from nursing and might do better on solids. If nothing else, he might be able to provide reassurance that your daughter will be okay if she isn’t immediately breastfed upon request.

WTF really? Please dont feign this as an arguement.

OP- if it were a lovey that she couldnt sleep without or sit on the couch without would you have the same response? Or a paci?

Nursing is comforting to children and it goes in ebbs and flows. The more hysterical she gets and the more you try to take it away and then let her nurse is making it anxiety provoking. If your wife is okay with it what does it matter? Do you care because she wants it or because she cries when hse cant get it?

Yes. My only issue is that my daughter sobs when she’s denied breastfeeding with gulping breaths and flowing tears. Even if she has to wait one minute.

She doesn’t use a pacifier. Never has.

this is not, per se, a problem. It's ok for kids to have big feelings. Your DD really, really, really wants to BF. Given that level of desire, she's going to be really upset when she can't get what she wants. It's ok to decide that what a kid really wants is not what she is going to get. But know that she is going to have feelings about that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I assume your baby is on solid food so this isn’t about nutrition. Who is not happy with the nursing—you or your wife?

Me, my older child, and our nanny are all unhappy with my my daughter crying to be breastfed. And that’s the only time she sobs all day.

Just know that your DD will not just magically stop crying. Your wife can set a boundary and stick to it, and there will be lots of crying, for many days, until your DD becomes accustomed to it.