Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse never takes responsibility because he’s on the spectrum and always dropping the ball. So his go-to maladaptive trait is to never apologize, deny, deflect, walk off, or start a sideshow argument and attack the other person instead.
Terrible role model for the kids of course.

When your spouse was growing up, what approach did his parents take?

The “sweep everything under the rug” approach. Passive aggressive. Talk in riddles.

No one talked much. Still. Silent dinners.
Mother was very passive, or became so over time. Mainly tutored the brother.
Once teens, they all ignored the father. He stopped working early on and sat around the house.
Signs up in every room of what to do when leaving the room (turn off lights or water, lock door, keys, etc.)

I’m not going to bother asking because he makes up stuff or lies or guesses what you want to here or what the social norm should be.
His parents had no approach, to anything. But they’re all on the spectrum and never got help for it.

Anonymous wrote:My spouse never takes responsibility because he’s on the spectrum and always dropping the ball. So his go-to maladaptive trait is to never apologize, deny, deflect, walk off, or start a sideshow argument and attack the other person instead.
Terrible role model for the kids of course.

When your spouse was growing up, what approach did his parents take?

Look up NPD and see if you can relate to the symptoms. If so, he's NEVER going to change. You will talk and talk and will make zero difference. You will think you're the crazy one, until you figure it out.

Op offers no good examples.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse never takes responsibility because he’s on the spectrum and always dropping the ball. So his go-to maladaptive trait is to never apologize, deny, deflect, walk off, or start a sideshow argument and attack the other person instead.
Terrible role model for the kids of course.

My significant other does this too, but I don't see any signs of being on the spectrum. He's very socially at ease. I've seen these behaviors also linked to narcissistic personality disorder, but he doesn't seem particularly full of himself either. Is there a term for people who just don't communicate fairly and linearly?

My question, and this is coming from a place of real sincerity, why does it take so long to pick up on these traits? I didn't understand or see any of this until after my child was born.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fyi for those of you in the "I never make my kids apologize because it's not authentic/genuine" camp--this is the adult you will get. You are forewarned.

BS. Helping kids see and acknowledge kids the impact of their actions is what a parent should do, and that is far from “forcing them to apologize.” Telling your kids “say sorry” is not teaching kids anything important. It doesn’t teach them to be empathic, it doesn’t teach them that intent doesn’t equal impact, etc. It teaches them that the most important thing is to keep the peace.

I agree that it's important to teach them empathy, you are absolutely right. But if a child doesn't ever have to overcome the discomfort of saying they are sorry then they will never overcome that discomfort, even if they are dead wrong and they know it.

NP, but you do realize that people who don't force their kids to apologize aren't taking that stance because they don't think they should apologize, right? I never forced my kid. She learned it because we modeled it for her. We apologize. Like people. Sometimes she didn't apologize when she was little, but I found she eventually did, most of the time, and it was genuine. At 9, she almost always does when I think it would be warranted.

I think it's great that she learned from your modeling and she turned out to be able to apologize authentically. Some kids just don't adapt the way your 9 year old did. Some kids have more going on or are more stubborn or have some anxiety about it. I just think this whole blanket "kids shouldn't be forced to apologize" line is along the lines of "kids should never be forced to share because I don't have to share my cell phone so this isn't real life" can turn into some lazy parenting and end up with adults who are so self absorbed they can't see that their behaviors affect the people around them.

I'm not sure either of the examples you gave are situations necessarily worthy of an admission or apology. For you to claim your DH "never" admits he's wrong, I was expecting something more egregious.

Why is it important to you that he admits when he's wrong? Is it because you need to be right? Are you just annoyed by his reaction? Do you expect him to react the same way you would?

IME, people who cannot admit they are wrong usually were criticized and shamed growing up, and as an adult that gets triggered when someone points out that they are wrong about something. Of course, no one likes to be wrong, but people with healthy self-esteem and self-worth don't always take it personally. Because we don't internalize it, it's easier to apologize or acknowledge what we did. Confronting someone who has a lot of shame or insecurity usually doesn't end well and doesn't elicit the kind of response you want. With your DH, you might say "hey! the dishwasher is running!" and depending on your tone of voice and volume, he might hear "You idiot, the dishwater is on! Why are you so stupid?"

Rather than confront your DH with a sharp tone or using critical words, you'l need to approach him differently depending on what you are looking for. In the hair brushing example, you might say, "DD's head is really sensitive and her hair gets snarled easily, so it can get painful when we're brushing her hair. Laughing at her really hurt her feelings." Or something like that because the goal is for him to - at a minimum - recognize what he did and how it made her feel and ideally, not do it again.

Lastly, I'll say that sometimes people who aren't good at apologizing or admitting fault might do so in their own way - by doing something nice for you or being extra sweet later. Of course, depending on the situation, sometimes the apology IS necessary but sometimes it's really not. And to be clear, I'm not suggesting that you are the only one who needs to adjust your approach or expectations. It is also necessary for him to understand the appropriate way to respond to a situation and to not internalize it if he did screw up. But you can't control him and you might find that making small adjustments on your end helps a bit.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse never takes responsibility because he’s on the spectrum and always dropping the ball. So his go-to maladaptive trait is to never apologize, deny, deflect, walk off, or start a sideshow argument and attack the other person instead.
Terrible role model for the kids of course.

My significant other does this too, but I don't see any signs of being on the spectrum. He's very socially at ease. I've seen these behaviors also linked to narcissistic personality disorder, but he doesn't seem particularly full of himself either. Is there a term for people who just don't communicate fairly and linearly?

I don't think it's just communication style. There are people who have Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder (NOT the same as OCD) who exhibit some of these behaviors. They strive for perfection yet often have blind spots to their own failings and it kills them to admit they failed/didn't to something perfect. Trying to get them to admit that they've done something wrong is next to impossible.

Just another a-hole

Anonymous wrote:My spouse never takes responsibility because he’s on the spectrum and always dropping the ball. So his go-to maladaptive trait is to never apologize, deny, deflect, walk off, or start a sideshow argument and attack the other person instead.
Terrible role model for the kids of course.

My significant other does this too, but I don't see any signs of being on the spectrum. He's very socially at ease. I've seen these behaviors also linked to narcissistic personality disorder, but he doesn't seem particularly full of himself either. Is there a term for people who just don't communicate fairly and linearly?

I'm convinced that most of the people on this forum who are married, don't want to be. I swear you nitpick at everything! I remember whining and crying while getting my hair done because sometimes it hurts, but sometimes I was just over it and didn't want my hair done. He's not a monster for not responding in the way that you would. And the dishwasher thing? Stop creating an issue where there really isn't one.

Oh, and have a nice day!

Anonymous wrote:1. You probably can’t. Figure out how to let the expectation go. You have to be the empathetic one. It sucks and isn’t fair, but leading by example is the only hope.

2. As you mentioned, he’s not conscious he’s doing what he’s doing and he probably DOES feel stupid and is (misguidedly) trying to cover it up. Making it into a thing will feel like a pile-on and cause further defensive behaviour.

3. Patience. My DH is very similar, but he’s a good guys and he does try. He’s had a lot of sensitivity training at work thats has actually served to make him a better listener. Together with my ability to show empathy progress has been made and it’s appreciated. And I let him know when I see it.

In my experience people who are like this are deeply insecure people. They need to project their correctness and feel right about everything because underneath they are very weak and not confident.

My spouse never takes responsibility because he’s on the spectrum and always dropping the ball. So his go-to maladaptive trait is to never apologize, deny, deflect, walk off, or start a sideshow argument and attack the other person instead.
Terrible role model for the kids of course.

Anonymous wrote:Honestly , you both sound overly dramatic.

I'm willing to bet your husband grew up with overly critical parents and yours are overly dramatic.

It sounds like you're raising overly dramatic kids.


What this means is some things require a reaction and others different degrees of reactions.

This is my husband. His mom never stopped picking him on for everything. His dad would blow up at stupid things and yell and scream at everyone.

My husband went to therapy and he told me he's sometimes defensive when he thinks someone is being critical of him and since I know I try harder to communicate better and he tries harder to rein in his response.

If your husband won't acknowledge that he's being over the top and isn't willing to work on himself I don't know what to tell you.

This is bizarre to me. Maybe it's because I'm a Midwesterner, but I'll apologize that drop of a hat. It's barely an inconvenience and doesn't cost me any pride.

Now, if someone wants me to wear a hair shirt about a mistake and grovel for forgiveness, that's something else entirely and not going to happen.