Anonymous wrote:OP. I brought it up (again) with H today and it didn't go well. He's resentful that I hold him accountable for "mistakes" and told me I should extend compassion towards him. I pointed out that these "mistakes" happen several times a week, no one is extending compassion to me and taking my needs into consideration, and that it feels like I have a third child I am taking care of. He told me to just stop cooking for him and to only feed myself. Which is good, I guess, but he's pretty upset and left in a huff.

It feels like I do all of this extra work to try to make us a "family" and no one really gives AF. Everyone would be happier just eating cereal and watching screens all evening. So why should I even bother trying anymore.

I would try it his way for a while. Clearly he does not care and you can't make someone care, so give yourself a break. Or tell him that if he really is that tired he needs to go to the doctor.

Anonymous wrote:Researchers from the University of Minnesota found that family dinner itself did not create the benefits that have been previously reported in children whose families share nightly mealtime: lower obesity rates, greater academic success, and fewer instances of substance abuse and delinquent behavior.Jun 3, 2018

So what did?

OP. I brought it up (again) with H today and it didn't go well. He's resentful that I hold him accountable for "mistakes" and told me I should extend compassion towards him. I pointed out that these "mistakes" happen several times a week, no one is extending compassion to me and taking my needs into consideration, and that it feels like I have a third child I am taking care of. He told me to just stop cooking for him and to only feed myself. Which is good, I guess, but he's pretty upset and left in a huff.

It feels like I do all of this extra work to try to make us a "family" and no one really gives AF. Everyone would be happier just eating cereal and watching screens all evening. So why should I even bother trying anymore.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Researchers from the University of Minnesota found that family dinner itself did not create the benefits that have been previously reported in children whose families share nightly mealtime: lower obesity rates, greater academic success, and fewer instances of substance abuse and delinquent behavior.Jun 3, 2018

Yes but if meal prep is causing WW2 among parents, benefits go down.

You did not read. What I cited says that the benefits people talk about are not really there. The family dinner itself does not create those benefits that have previosly been purported. Improve your reading comprehension.

If he left me dirty dishes I would escort him to the sink and explain how to do them correctly each time.

Anonymous wrote:There are two things you shouldn’t do. First one is criticizing someone’s cooking and cleaning. It’s micromanagement and makes it even more Duffy for a person who isn’t good at it.

Second, cooking in little batches. Cook three dinners worth of every dish and freeze two. Keep better inventory and organization of ingredients so it’s easier to cook for both of you.

Buy more plates and spoons so you don’t have to worry about loading/unloading dishwasher. Buy an Instapot and a toaster oven, makes cooking faster and cleaning easier. Buy extra liner pot for instapot. Buy salads, sauces, cooked sides from grocery store to make dinner easier and wholesome.


Life is tough with young kids so take it easy. You want a happy family environment for yourself and family so talk to him and explain your issues calmly like you would to a friend, not like you want to delegate unwanted tasks to a colleague.

Would a friend flake on commitments and refuse to do a fair share of the work? No. This isn't a friend situation.

Anonymous wrote:Researchers from the University of Minnesota found that family dinner itself did not create the benefits that have been previously reported in children whose families share nightly mealtime: lower obesity rates, greater academic success, and fewer instances of substance abuse and delinquent behavior.Jun 3, 2018

Yes but if meal prep is causing WW2 among parents, benefits go down.

One of the best thing to happen to us during Covid was finally family meals all together.

Then, my spouse started working from home post-covid like I always had so we now have a nightly family dinner. It was something that bothered me throughout most of my kids elementary years, not having family meals. My husband used to get home late and I was already taking them to practice.

Now the family meals have been routine since March 2020. One is in high school and the other is in 8th grade. The older one usually has sports right after school, getting home at 5:30 and on other nights not club practice which is not until 8-9:30pm. The younger one has 5-6:30pm 2 nights and one later practice the other night.

WE adjust for the times and what we will serve to fit into the schedule...and the biggest is my husband now helps--either shopping or a meal a few times a week too.

I had read so many studies about the importance of family meal times and it has become easier with two WAH parents and older kids. I even am giving my 8th grader the same refrain 'be home for dinner by X' the way my mom did back in the 80s when he's out with friends after school on nights he doesn't have a sports practice.

There are two things you shouldn’t do. First one is criticizing someone’s cooking and cleaning. It’s micromanagement and makes it even more Duffy for a person who isn’t good at it.

Second, cooking in little batches. Cook three dinners worth of every dish and freeze two. Keep better inventory and organization of ingredients so it’s easier to cook for both of you.

Buy more plates and spoons so you don’t have to worry about loading/unloading dishwasher. Buy an Instapot and a toaster oven, makes cooking faster and cleaning easier. Buy extra liner pot for instapot. Buy salads, sauces, cooked sides from grocery store to make dinner easier and wholesome.


Life is tough with young kids so take it easy. You want a happy family environment for yourself and family so talk to him and explain your issues calmly like you would to a friend, not like you want to delegate unwanted tasks to a colleague.

Researchers from the University of Minnesota found that family dinner itself did not create the benefits that have been previously reported in children whose families share nightly mealtime: lower obesity rates, greater academic success, and fewer instances of substance abuse and delinquent behavior.Jun 3, 2018

Anonymous wrote:Your priorities are wrong.

https://www.stanfordchildrens.org/en/topic/default?id=why-the-family-meal-is-important-1-701#:~:text=When%20a%20family%20sits%20down,manage%20their%20weight%20more%20easily.

Put family first. Money and housecleaning should be way down on the list.

I disagree. I do not think family meals matter at all.

We never did. Divorced after 10 years but eating was not the reason (did not like the same foods).

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Anonymous wrote:Do you tell him all of this? Does he understand the discrepancy?

Yes. He just says he gets too tired. But I’m tired, too.

NP. What is your reaction to this? If my DH did this to me, I would yell at him - like real yelling. I would go on a tirade about how I’m tired too and he is being lazy, and I would probably start crying legitimate tears in there. I’m not saying this is the right way to do things, but it gets his attention….

Yelling isn’t an effective way to solve any problem.

Really? Because sometimes I think it’s the only way men know you’re actually fed up.

It doesn’t matter which gender or age, yelling shouldn’t be acceptable, find healthy ways to communicate and set up better a example for your children.

Well I think OP can communicate “in a healthy way” til she’s blue in the face, but her DH is still going to be sitting on the couch not helping her. I don’t necessarily mean scream at him, but speak sternly, like an authoritative person who deserves respect. I think OP (and tons of other women on dcum) just ask their husbands calmly why they didn’t do the dishes, husband says I was tired, and wife lets it drop. I would not let it drop. Your DH responding/treating you like that is honestly worse than yelling.

If DH doesn't want to be "yelled at" he should respond appropriately the first 100 times she asked calmly.

Anonymous wrote:My sister, her husband, and teen son all cook for themselves. Mom and Dad both have very strong specific ideas on nutrition that do not over lap well and the teen just needs lots of food. Whatever...

NP - same for us.

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he has ADD and is also lazy and does not care about his marriage or household.

This. He has ADHD. DH has it and a lot of this describes him. I dont expect him to follow through on things I’ve asked him to. I’ve come to expect it and plan around it. Knowing he won’t remember to do what I’ve asked helped me lower expectations and not get as frustrated with him. But I have older kids. I make dinner for the kids and I and if we wants to eat it he can or fend for himself.

None of this will help you right now but he should definitely look into ADHD.