Anonymous
Post 04/21/2022 11:42     Subject: My DC committed but is not happy - anyone else?
My son did not get into the schools we expected either. He was not very jazzed about his options once all the votes were counted but we scheduled admitted student day visits at all oft them and prepared to make a rational logical decision with the reality of his options. At the third school we visited, he had an amazing visit, was able to go out with some current students at night (we knew some friends kids there) and came home that night and said he was 100% going there and cancelled the rest of the visits. It just clicked with him once he was there and amongst the students. Having a student connect does make a big difference but his aspirations for top schools (and he has nothing short of brilliant academically) just evaporated in face of real world experiences that he enjoyed. He is very excited to go to this school to the degree that he pulled his ivy and #1 pick (non-ivy) school waitlist offers.
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2022 11:23     Subject: My DC committed but is not happy - anyone else?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:DC committed and we’ve been trying to show our excitement for him, but he is unhappy and says he should have applied to different schools and didn’t like any of his choices in the end. He is a great student, strong test scores etc, and worked so hard and was so engaged in school. He seems deflated now. Basically he did all this work and for what. This part is immature, but he also has a few classmates going to the same school as him and he says they are lesser students (purely from an academic standpoint) so that likewise makes him feel like he should have aimed higher because he’s now ended up in the same place as them. On one hand, I understand — if money were no object he could’ve gone full pay to a more prestigious school (whatever that even means) but we were upfront with him that without merit we could not pay $75k/year and we’re opposed to significant loan obligations. Ultimately that led him to a top 50-60ish school (honors college) and we’ll get him out with no debt. I do believe he’ll be happy, but am just bummed that he is bummed.

Anyway, just feeling a bit sad that he is sad. Any other parents experiencing this with their kids? I’m also wondering if any parents of kids who are finishing their freshman year felt like this a year ago and can provide some perspective? Thanks.




Yep. That happens quite often. I feel bad for your DS. He wasted so much effort and gave up doing other fun stuff for what? What you can do now is help him understand that people who work the hardest in life don't always get the best result and one thing that is so important is knowing when you are doing a lot but getting a diminishing return.


Perhaps this is a good lesson in balance. Yes part of HS is working for good grades and good test scores and having ECs. But those EC should be something your kid wants to do---let them lead the way.

My own DC choose to focus on what she loves. All EC are outside of school---she dances. She dances a lot (15+ hours/week part of year 20-25 hours). She chose to select STEM AP courses because that's her focus--she took 8 APs total, 4 each Jr/Sr year. She could have done well with English/History APs, but would have been miserable (and it would have not been healthy with 10-15 hours of extra work per week). And you know what, she is so, so, so happy she chose not to take AP Eng/AP History. Why? Because ultimately her top 2 schools do not let you count AP courses for their "core curriculum" So the only reason she would have taken those APs was to get college credit, and she wouldn't have gotten that.

So she smartly picked AP courses that she liked/that would benefit her (even if she didn't do well she would be more prepared for college Calc/Chem/Bio/Physics/etc---she did fine and will get credit for all). She did 20+ hours of EC weekly that she loves. She has no regrets. We didn't use a college counselor until spring of junior year to assist with essays and selecting a good college list (no doing EC because it would "look good").
My kid will be attending a school that has been top 30/40 for the last 20 years. She's found the right fit for her.

Could she have ultimately gotten into a Top 20 school if she'd done things differently? Possibly, but the pressure of that would not have made for a good 4 years of HS. She landed where she belongs and is picking a college for what it offers her (hint: it's an amazing school in a town/area that isn't the "nicest"/the weather sucks, yet with each visit she doesn't care and just said this is the place for her).
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2022 11:09     Subject: My DC committed but is not happy - anyone else?
We are in a similar situation. DS did not get into his first choice... which is when we figured out it was really the only choice he wanted. He's accepted another offier at a really good school that he likes, but that disappointment still lingers. Layer on top of that the fact that their entire world is changing including family, friends, and (for my son at least) a really serious relationship he's figuring out what to do with, and the sting of one thing that does not go as they'd hoped is really magnified. I am sad for him as well and try to be empathetic while also trying to get things set up so when he DOES feel like he can turn his focus to the school he chose he can dive right in. And, I remind him, while he needs to try and focus and be engaged, a lot of people transfer after the first year so if it doesn't work out this one decision will not define his life.
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2022 11:02     Subject: My DC committed but is not happy - anyone else?
Anonymous wrote:DC committed and we’ve been trying to show our excitement for him, but he is unhappy and says he should have applied to different schools and didn’t like any of his choices in the end. He is a great student, strong test scores etc, and worked so hard and was so engaged in school. He seems deflated now. Basically he did all this work and for what. This part is immature, but he also has a few classmates going to the same school as him and he says they are lesser students (purely from an academic standpoint) so that likewise makes him feel like he should have aimed higher because he’s now ended up in the same place as them. On one hand, I understand — if money were no object he could’ve gone full pay to a more prestigious school (whatever that even means) but we were upfront with him that without merit we could not pay $75k/year and we’re opposed to significant loan obligations. Ultimately that led him to a top 50-60ish school (honors college) and we’ll get him out with no debt. I do believe he’ll be happy, but am just bummed that he is bummed.

Anyway, just feeling a bit sad that he is sad. Any other parents experiencing this with their kids? I’m also wondering if any parents of kids who are finishing their freshman year felt like this a year ago and can provide some perspective? Thanks.


Yep. That happens quite often. I feel bad for your DS. He wasted so much effort and gave up doing other fun stuff for what? What you can do now is help him understand that people who work the hardest in life don't always get the best result and one thing that is so important is knowing when you are doing a lot but getting a diminishing return.
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2022 10:57     Subject: My DC committed but is not happy - anyone else?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Remind him that he’ll do much better at his school than the classmates will that he’s referring to. He can be an entirely different academic peer group there, even if they’re at the same giant school.


Gross. Maybe those classmates will actually end up on the president's list every semester.


Many kids blossom in college. I watched several top students from my HS falter in college (I was a top student who didn't falter, couldn't afford to as I was poor), and there are several with PHDs/MDs in STEM areas that were just "average/slightly above average students" in HS that I never would have guessed that from HS, because they found their place and motivation outside of HS.
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2022 10:49     Subject: My DC committed but is not happy - anyone else?
Anonymous wrote:DC committed and we’ve been trying to show our excitement for him, but he is unhappy and says he should have applied to different schools and didn’t like any of his choices in the end. He is a great student, strong test scores etc, and worked so hard and was so engaged in school. He seems deflated now. Basically he did all this work and for what. This part is immature, but he also has a few classmates going to the same school as him and he says they are lesser students (purely from an academic standpoint) so that likewise makes him feel like he should have aimed higher because he’s now ended up in the same place as them. On one hand, I understand — if money were no object he could’ve gone full pay to a more prestigious school (whatever that even means) but we were upfront with him that without merit we could not pay $75k/year and we’re opposed to significant loan obligations. Ultimately that led him to a top 50-60ish school (honors college) and we’ll get him out with no debt. I do believe he’ll be happy, but am just bummed that he is bummed.

Anyway, just feeling a bit sad that he is sad. Any other parents experiencing this with their kids? I’m also wondering if any parents of kids who are finishing their freshman year felt like this a year ago and can provide some perspective? Thanks.


Try to focus on the fact that his hard work DID pay off. He was accepted to an honors college and received merit aid. I understand where he's coming from but he needs to reframe his outcome.
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2022 10:40     Subject: My DC committed but is not happy - anyone else?
I am sorry and understand how you are feeling.

It is also a cautionary tale. Parents of younger kids, don't experience this as a competition: between other kids and other parents. Don't make it about getting into the highest rank school. If you do, your kid will feel they won or lost.

Think of it as finding the best FIT. A place where your kid will thrive and mature into an amazing adult, ready to contribute to the world. It is like a puzzle piece (with every child being unique), not a race to the highest rank. That is why discussion of options should be discouraged, so they don't get sucked into the competitive spiral.

I hope that your child is happy next year. Try to remind him why he applied and chose the school he did. (And there are MANY advantages to standing out in the eyes of the faculty, because you are a rock star in that environment. )
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2022 10:09     Subject: Re:My DC committed but is not happy - anyone else?
Kids need to get over their FOMO. They can only attend one college and chances are, they'll be fine wherever they go.
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2022 10:07     Subject: My DC committed but is not happy - anyone else?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Maybe he should look at The Common Data Set and see all the other enrolled students who have similar stats as him.


Beat me to it. I find it more than a little amusing that the OP and OP's son feel that he's somehow more qualified than the other hardworking students who were also admitted. So typical.


Op here - yes we did that and he knows too. Please don’t be critical like this - I said I know he’s going to a good school and he knows that on some level too. I’m just saying he is expressing sadness, borderline depressed, and it makes me feel sad. Not looking to be bashed

I just wanted to say your son feeling like that is OK. He worked hard and needs to feel some gratification even if it is superficial. He is 18 !!! But es, in th elong run, he will shine more than the other kids. In fact perhaps he will shone here more than if he went to a higher ranked place with lots of big fish.
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2022 10:03     Subject: My DC committed but is not happy - anyone else?
I would just give it time. I wouldn't try to excite him. That will probably happen on its own eventually, but you probably will only annoy him if you try to change his feelings.
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2022 09:59     Subject: My DC committed but is not happy - anyone else?
Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, OP. I know your kid is feeling disappointed, but it’s better to learn the lesson that life isn’t fair now vs. later. There will ALWAYS be someone seemingly less deserving who gets the better job, promotion, nicer house, etc. Don’t let the feelings of jealousy and bitterness tarnish your own accomplishments. Comparison is the thief of joy.

I hope your kid will find his tribe and thrive no matter where he goes. The school name doesn’t matter as much as what you do while there.


Best advice yet. Life is full of these type of “disappointments.”
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2022 09:59     Subject: My DC committed but is not happy - anyone else?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Maybe he should look at The Common Data Set and see all the other enrolled students who have similar stats as him.


Beat me to it. I find it more than a little amusing that the OP and OP's son feel that he's somehow more qualified than the other hardworking students who were also admitted. So typical.


Op here - yes we did that and he knows too. Please don’t be critical like this - I said I know he’s going to a good school and he knows that on some level too. I’m just saying he is expressing sadness, borderline depressed, and it makes me feel sad. Not looking to be bashed.


It is your job as a parent to help him get over this extreme sadness/borderline depression. He's at a Top 50/60 school---that means he's at a great school (and it would be fine if he were at a Top 300 school as well if that's what he can get into and afford). He's a smart kid and can do well if he changes his mindset---but if he goes in thinking he's smarter than others at his college, he might not have alot of friends. As he matures he will appreciate that you didn't let him take out 100K+ loans for college (hint: no school is worth that---if you have saved and can pay 80K/year then that's fine to spend it, but loans, no way).

Many kids blossom in college---he might find that those"lesser students" that he knows find their place at college and are top 1% students. He needs to learn to focus on himself, get excited about what the school has to offer for his major and start finding ways to be successful.

It appears you prepped him early that he couldn't attend a full pay 80K school, so that is a positive.
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2022 09:36     Subject: My DC committed but is not happy - anyone else?
Anonymous wrote:DC committed and we’ve been trying to show our excitement for him, but he is unhappy and says he should have applied to different schools and didn’t like any of his choices in the end. He is a great student, strong test scores etc, and worked so hard and was so engaged in school. He seems deflated now. Basically he did all this work and for what. This part is immature, but he also has a few classmates going to the same school as him and he says they are lesser students (purely from an academic standpoint) so that likewise makes him feel like he should have aimed higher because he’s now ended up in the same place as them. On one hand, I understand — if money were no object he could’ve gone full pay to a more prestigious school (whatever that even means) but we were upfront with him that without merit we could not pay $75k/year and we’re opposed to significant loan obligations. Ultimately that led him to a top 50-60ish school (honors college) and we’ll get him out with no debt. I do believe he’ll be happy, but am just bummed that he is bummed.

Anyway, just feeling a bit sad that he is sad. Any other parents experiencing this with their kids? I’m also wondering if any parents of kids who are finishing their freshman year felt like this a year ago and can provide some perspective? Thanks.


This is pretty typical for this point in senior year. The kids are aware - even if only subliminally and not consciously - that they’re about to leave their whole lives, as they’ve known then, behind including all or almost all of the people who’ve been important to them. There are a lot of separation issues even if they’re expressed ad “I should have applied somewhere else.” That’s not the issue. The excitement will come later when he gets to school, but this will be a tough summer.
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2022 09:31     Subject: My DC committed but is not happy - anyone else?
Anonymous wrote:DC crying ever other night. On the other nights, planning what to bring. There are A LOT of emotions right now. End of high school, prom, exams...

Once high school is over, that book will be closed. Onto the next adventure, College.


+1. Every kid is different, but I think there are a lot of other things contributing to this than just the specific college. I think every student thinks "if I got into X maybe I could have gotten into X+1 slightly "better" college." Maybe so, maybe not. There's a lot of luck, but I also think a lot of kids end up at the "best" college they were going to get into given their record.

I'd try to generate some excitement, and if you can swing it talk about how if after a couple years the school isn't right then think about transfering.
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2022 09:30     Subject: Re:My DC committed but is not happy - anyone else?
Again it all boils down to rankings. I am assuming OP is referring to UMD as the 50-60 ranked school their DC got into with merit and honors. The assumption that kids attending UMD or another similarly ranked school are ‘less’ than the ones attending higher ranked school is seriously flawed. There are several ‘meh’ students who got into Brown, Cornell, Penn etc this year at my DC’s school. So no those schools are not filled with ‘better’ students. They are in because of legacies. They are not better in any way than those who decided to go to UMD. Its this flawed thinking that is making OP and her kid sad. Trust me i was OP 3 years ago. I learned my lesson when my high stats kid got shut out and ended up at UMD. He was in no way less than the kids who got into so called higher ranked schools. He met some extremely smart kids at UMD and has a whole new perspective on life now.