Anonymous
Post 04/21/2022 09:40     Subject: How to speak with my daughter about my grandchild
Are you at the playground every single day?
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2022 09:15     Subject: How to speak with my daughter about my grandchild
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think that my 3 year old granddaughter should be screened for autism. I am very close to my daughter and she and my son-in-law seem to be in complete denial about the fact that she has many of the symptoms, so I wouldn't find it surprising if they were not completely honest with themselves when completing the autism survey at the doctor's office. My daughter is very defensive, so I am afraid of telling her that I think my granddaughter should get screened and angering her. My granddaughter is starting preschool for the first time in the fall and I'm hoping that her teachers will say something, but I am not sure if that's a reasonable expectation. Also, even if they do say something, I worry about her missing out on services in the interim. Has anyone waited to have this conversation and regretted it? Has anyone had it in a similar circumstance and found that it went well?


Can you explain why you think your daughter and SIL are in complete denial about your granddaughter’s lack of social interaction?


We will go to the playground and my granddaughter will sit in the sandbox playing by herself. When we leave my daughter will say, “She loves playing with the other kids in the sandbox, which is why I’m not getting a sandbox for our house.” When she has play dates with local cousins around her age, she’ll sit on the floor and play by herself, not engaging when they engage her - and not engaging them. At the end of the play date my daughter will say, “They played really well together.”



3 is on the border for social play. Many children stay in a “solitary but social” play phase where they are happy to be around other kids but mostly play on their own. It’s developmentally normal. It was not until she attended preschool (where they teach and facilitate collaborative play) that my DD started playing more directly with other children.

But that doesn’t mean your granddaughter doesn’t benefit from the time around other kids. Your daughter may be reflecting that her DD didn’t seem nervous or intimidated by the kids in the sandbox or her cousins. She may be noticing ways in which her DD is watching what other kids are doing and copying (a beginning stage of collaborative play). She also might just feel the lack of conflict is positive, especially if sharing has been a challenge (which it often is for this age). None of what she is saying reads as “in denial” to me. And what you describe here does not sound like a child with autism. It sounds normal.

I had a shy, quiet 3 yo who liked to play on her own. I now have an assertive, boisterous 5 yr old who strikes up conversations with strangers and makes new friends at every playground. I think you may not know as much as you think about your granddaughter, and if I were you I’d defer to your daughter’s judgment. She sounds like a loving mother who is making sure her child gets plenty of opportunities to play with others in preparation for starting preschool soon. She’s doing fine.


+1. My shy, quiet, slightly socially anxious now 9 year old was very much like this as a preschooler. Not all kids are outgoing and extroverted.
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2022 09:14     Subject: How to speak with my daughter about my grandchild
Anonymous wrote:As a mom of a special needs kid, I had one very specific thing I needed from my kid's grandparents: LOVE HIM. Love all of him. Love him just the way it is. Cuddle him and dote over him and hug him and LOVE HIM.
Don't try to fix him. Don't tell me everything that's wrong with him. Don't tell me about your friends' neighbor's daughter who cut out red dye.
Just love your grandchild with everything you have. Because if this child does have autism, it's going to be a long road for everyone. And both mom and kid will desperately need someone in their lives who just love them for exactly who they are.


I cosign 100%. This is the best way to be a supportive grandmother to a child with autism, or with any other disability. There are going to be a lot of struggles, a lot of frustrations, and a lot of loneliness. You can be a source of positivity and support.
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2022 09:11     Subject: How to speak with my daughter about my grandchild
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It doesn't matter. The services don't do that much. Just be a loving presence to your granddaughter and a support to your daughter. If she has autism, it will become unignorable in time.


If you get the right services with the right providers you can have a kid that clearly has severe autism at 2 and you wouldn’t even know that was ever a diagnosis 10 years later. Early intervention matters, lots of it, done right.


I have a kid with autism, I know a ton of kids with autism, and I wish this were true. Maybe it's true for some kid, somewhere. It's not true for the vast majority of them. I think early intervention is helpful, but I am not at all convinced it makes as much difference as people think and as we were told. It also has enormous financial and opportunity costs for the child and family.
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2022 09:05     Subject: How to speak with my daughter about my grandchild
MYOB. The child will start pre school soon.

It doesn't matter for now anyway. You can't therapy autism away.
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2022 09:03     Subject: How to speak with my daughter about my grandchild
I had a niece who was similar to this, but it turned out that she was completely normal with her family, but had serious anxiety/selective mutism. She's a wonderful, engaging, delightful teenager now. If you are close with your daughter, how about a conversation that focuses on how she would like you to engage with your grandchild. For example, "I would like to be a better playmate to Larla. What strategies have you found that help her engage her?" That will give you a chance to see if Larla is fine with other people and talk to your daughter at the same time.
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2022 08:54     Subject: How to speak with my daughter about my grandchild
As a mom of a special needs kid, I had one very specific thing I needed from my kid's grandparents: LOVE HIM. Love all of him. Love him just the way it is. Cuddle him and dote over him and hug him and LOVE HIM.
Don't try to fix him. Don't tell me everything that's wrong with him. Don't tell me about your friends' neighbor's daughter who cut out red dye.
Just love your grandchild with everything you have. Because if this child does have autism, it's going to be a long road for everyone. And both mom and kid will desperately need someone in their lives who just love them for exactly who they are.
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2022 08:48     Subject: How to speak with my daughter about my grandchild
Anonymous wrote:PPs don't know what they're talking about, lucky them.

Please DO say something. They might hate you for while, but they won't ignore what you said.

Early intervention is key. BTDT.



Me again. Let me be a little more specific.

Don't say autism. Be factual, not emotional. And suggest an evaluation, not a diagnosis.

I say this because even though autism may be what your mind goes to, it could be inattentive ADHD (lots of overlapping symptoms), or MERLD (Mixed Expressive-Receptive Language Disorder), where it's not entirely clear what's up, but there's a communication issue. Sometimes MERLD leads to an autism diagnosis later.
There could be learning disabilities, such as slow processing speed, dyscalculia, dyslexia, down the road.
Or there could be a physical issue with vision or hearing, musculature, or coordination in space.

The label soup of special needs is complex, so you want to tread carefully.

I've been on DCUM for a decade now, I have a child with a long string of labels, and I'm also a research scientist who has worked on ADHD. Every time someone suggests talking to a parent about their child's potential special needs, the majority of posters are up in arms about it, even though early intervention is absolutely critical in most cases. Their emotions fly directly into the face of reason and science. It says a lot about how special needs are still perceived as shameful and something to hide, which is counter-productive to individual treatment and societal tolerance.

Anonymous
Post 04/21/2022 08:46     Subject: How to speak with my daughter about my grandchild
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think that my 3 year old granddaughter should be screened for autism. I am very close to my daughter and she and my son-in-law seem to be in complete denial about the fact that she has many of the symptoms, so I wouldn't find it surprising if they were not completely honest with themselves when completing the autism survey at the doctor's office. My daughter is very defensive, so I am afraid of telling her that I think my granddaughter should get screened and angering her. My granddaughter is starting preschool for the first time in the fall and I'm hoping that her teachers will say something, but I am not sure if that's a reasonable expectation. Also, even if they do say something, I worry about her missing out on services in the interim. Has anyone waited to have this conversation and regretted it? Has anyone had it in a similar circumstance and found that it went well?


Can you explain why you think your daughter and SIL are in complete denial about your granddaughter’s lack of social interaction?


We will go to the playground and my granddaughter will sit in the sandbox playing by herself. When we leave my daughter will say, “She loves playing with the other kids in the sandbox, which is why I’m not getting a sandbox for our house.” When she has play dates with local cousins around her age, she’ll sit on the floor and play by herself, not engaging when they engage her - and not engaging them. At the end of the play date my daughter will say, “They played really well together.”



3 is on the border for social play. Many children stay in a “solitary but social” play phase where they are happy to be around other kids but mostly play on their own. It’s developmentally normal. It was not until she attended preschool (where they teach and facilitate collaborative play) that my DD started playing more directly with other children.

But that doesn’t mean your granddaughter doesn’t benefit from the time around other kids. Your daughter may be reflecting that her DD didn’t seem nervous or intimidated by the kids in the sandbox or her cousins. She may be noticing ways in which her DD is watching what other kids are doing and copying (a beginning stage of collaborative play). She also might just feel the lack of conflict is positive, especially if sharing has been a challenge (which it often is for this age). None of what she is saying reads as “in denial” to me. And what you describe here does not sound like a child with autism. It sounds normal.

I had a shy, quiet 3 yo who liked to play on her own. I now have an assertive, boisterous 5 yr old who strikes up conversations with strangers and makes new friends at every playground. I think you may not know as much as you think about your granddaughter, and if I were you I’d defer to your daughter’s judgment. She sounds like a loving mother who is making sure her child gets plenty of opportunities to play with others in preparation for starting preschool soon. She’s doing fine.
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2022 08:29     Subject: How to speak with my daughter about my grandchild
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think that my 3 year old granddaughter should be screened for autism. I am very close to my daughter and she and my son-in-law seem to be in complete denial about the fact that she has many of the symptoms, so I wouldn't find it surprising if they were not completely honest with themselves when completing the autism survey at the doctor's office. My daughter is very defensive, so I am afraid of telling her that I think my granddaughter should get screened and angering her. My granddaughter is starting preschool for the first time in the fall and I'm hoping that her teachers will say something, but I am not sure if that's a reasonable expectation. Also, even if they do say something, I worry about her missing out on services in the interim. Has anyone waited to have this conversation and regretted it? Has anyone had it in a similar circumstance and found that it went well?


Can you explain why you think your daughter and SIL are in complete denial about your granddaughter’s lack of social interaction?


We will go to the playground and my granddaughter will sit in the sandbox playing by herself. When we leave my daughter will say, “She loves playing with the other kids in the sandbox, which is why I’m not getting a sandbox for our house.” When she has play dates with local cousins around her age, she’ll sit on the floor and play by herself, not engaging when they engage her - and not engaging them. At the end of the play date my daughter will say, “They played really well together.”

Anonymous
Post 04/21/2022 06:51     Subject: How to speak with my daughter about my grandchild
Anonymous wrote:I think that my 3 year old granddaughter should be screened for autism. I am very close to my daughter and she and my son-in-law seem to be in complete denial about the fact that she has many of the symptoms, so I wouldn't find it surprising if they were not completely honest with themselves when completing the autism survey at the doctor's office. My daughter is very defensive, so I am afraid of telling her that I think my granddaughter should get screened and angering her. My granddaughter is starting preschool for the first time in the fall and I'm hoping that her teachers will say something, but I am not sure if that's a reasonable expectation. Also, even if they do say something, I worry about her missing out on services in the interim. Has anyone waited to have this conversation and regretted it? Has anyone had it in a similar circumstance and found that it went well?


Can you explain why you think your daughter and SIL are in complete denial about your granddaughter’s lack of social interaction?
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2022 06:45     Subject: How to speak with my daughter about my grandchild
My mother took it upon herself to give me so much "feedback" and "help" when my kids were young (none of which wound up being especially useful), that now, about 10 years later, I've gone to great lengths to limit our contact and interactions with her to the maximum extent possible.
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2022 06:33     Subject: How to speak with my daughter about my grandchild
Anonymous wrote:SN mom here. In my experience, including with my own parents, family members like you have a very specific agenda. They want to point out the special need in order to have it mediated quickly and within a certain window. They do not want to face the notion of a lifelong disability and cannot, in fact, handle that idea. Have you thought about the idea that autism is lifelong? That therapy may assist your GC but is not a cure? My parents wanted my daughter whisked promptly to multiple therapies but became frustrated, disinterested, and even contemptuous when she "failed" to get better.

Your grandchild is not an improvement project like leaky downspouts you point out on their house. She's a person.


+1

My mom is different— she wants to identify the problem so she can talk about it and worry over it constantly, tell her friends about her SN grandchild and how hard and disappointing it is. I resist commentary from my mom on this subject not because I don’t see what’s going on with my own child, but because I do not want to engage with my mom’s lamenting pity party. I also generally want to shit down my mom before she says anything that would give my DD the impression that there is “something wrong” with her (which is how my mom describes SNs).

I know my child and I understand her limitations and challenges. But I see her as a person first, not a collection of tragic symptoms. I seek out support to help her with anything she needs, but my focus is on viewing her first and foremost as my kid, on developing a strong and trusting bond with her, and on making sure she knows she’s loved and wanted. My mom’s suggestions and concerns don’t reflect the same approach. She only wants to fixate on problems or complain about the ways my DD’s behavior deviates from that of other children.
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2022 05:36     Subject: How to speak with my daughter about my grandchild
SN mom here. In my experience, including with my own parents, family members like you have a very specific agenda. They want to point out the special need in order to have it mediated quickly and within a certain window. They do not want to face the notion of a lifelong disability and cannot, in fact, handle that idea. Have you thought about the idea that autism is lifelong? That therapy may assist your GC but is not a cure? My parents wanted my daughter whisked promptly to multiple therapies but became frustrated, disinterested, and even contemptuous when she "failed" to get better.

Your grandchild is not an improvement project like leaky downspouts you point out on their house. She's a person.
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2022 04:19     Subject: Re:How to speak with my daughter about my grandchild
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Whatever you say will fall on deaf ears. It’s not about “myob” - they will not hear it coming from you and will just get angry. Then when it’s confirmed, they will resent you for being right.

Just don’t go there, OP.


But couldn't they also resent me for not saying anything?


No. Not at all. Just never mention “yeah I thought so”.