Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He said it's a good thing he's not black. His Dad is south Asian. He's medium brown. I am white. His dad does say the baby is like a white version of him, and he is. He looks like a copy of my husband except for the skin color. When our six-year-old said this, we asked him why he would say that. He immediately started crying. I explained that it was very offensive. He's exposed to different people at school and Saturday language school. I'm not sure if he mixed up with words/meanings. Right before he said that, he asked me what color he was. He asks this question a lot. His little brother has lighter skin. I tell him he's a mix of Mommy and Daddy, olive-toned. I don't know if we should be talking more or less about skin color. I want to bring up the topic again.

OP you need to have a serious talk with YOUR HUSBAND. In South Asia, colorism is big and real, he may not even noticed how he interacts with his dark skinned son versus the lighter baby or the comments he makes. It may all be still in his subconscious, but your husband and his family have been exposed to a deep, long seeded self hatred of dark skin. Your kid is just picking upon cues.

The other son is not dark at all. Maybe he notices we talk about his brother being white and feels left out.

You think? Your 6 year old is not stupid; he can see that he's darker than the baby. Then mom and dad keep bringing up the baby being white, and six y/o says, "good thing I'm not black," and you're confused?

He's slightly darker. My husband doesn't treat him differently. Sometimes someone is mixed, but it's not apparent. So do I tell him he should identify as brown when to the outside world, he looks white? I have told people my husband is Asian, and they flat out say he doesn't look Asian. I feel like if my kids tell people they're mixed, many people will say they don't look mixed. I think that's why my husband just wanted to consider them white. Compared to him, they look white.

Woa, your husband has issues. Why is he so keen to identify them as white? Why aren’t you just saying you’re half-Indian, half-white? That’s what we told our kids. No one is asking them to choose a race at that age. And yes, sounds like your husband is the cause of this, and you also, because you seem to be clueless about colorism in S Asia and more generally that kids pick up on these types of things. But really, sounds like it starts with your husband. You can justify all you want, but clearly you and your husband have given your 6 yr old issues, due to your preference for white skin. Please do better for his sake, and for your baby’s.

Because my husband isn't Indian. Why does this forum always lump south Asian to mean India? There are lots of south Asian countries. It's like saying all East Asians are Chinese.

Well, half-Pakistani, Nepalese, whichever S Asian country your husband is from. Not sure how that changes anything with regard to your issue??

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He said it's a good thing he's not black. His Dad is south Asian. He's medium brown. I am white. His dad does say the baby is like a white version of him, and he is. He looks like a copy of my husband except for the skin color. When our six-year-old said this, we asked him why he would say that. He immediately started crying. I explained that it was very offensive. He's exposed to different people at school and Saturday language school. I'm not sure if he mixed up with words/meanings. Right before he said that, he asked me what color he was. He asks this question a lot. His little brother has lighter skin. I tell him he's a mix of Mommy and Daddy, olive-toned. I don't know if we should be talking more or less about skin color. I want to bring up the topic again.

OP you need to have a serious talk with YOUR HUSBAND. In South Asia, colorism is big and real, he may not even noticed how he interacts with his dark skinned son versus the lighter baby or the comments he makes. It may all be still in his subconscious, but your husband and his family have been exposed to a deep, long seeded self hatred of dark skin. Your kid is just picking upon cues.

The other son is not dark at all. Maybe he notices we talk about his brother being white and feels left out.

You think? Your 6 year old is not stupid; he can see that he's darker than the baby. Then mom and dad keep bringing up the baby being white, and six y/o says, "good thing I'm not black," and you're confused?

He's slightly darker. My husband doesn't treat him differently. Sometimes someone is mixed, but it's not apparent. So do I tell him he should identify as brown when to the outside world, he looks white? I have told people my husband is Asian, and they flat out say he doesn't look Asian. I feel like if my kids tell people they're mixed, many people will say they don't look mixed. I think that's why my husband just wanted to consider them white. Compared to him, they look white.

Woa, your husband has issues. Why is he so keen to identify them as white? Why aren’t you just saying you’re half-Indian, half-white? That’s what we told our kids. No one is asking them to choose a race at that age. And yes, sounds like your husband is the cause of this, and you also, because you seem to be clueless about colorism in S Asia and more generally that kids pick up on these types of things. But really, sounds like it starts with your husband. You can justify all you want, but clearly you and your husband have given your 6 yr old issues, due to your preference for white skin. Please do better for his sake, and for your baby’s.

Because my husband isn't Indian. Why does this forum always lump south Asian to mean India? There are lots of south Asian countries. It's like saying all East Asians are Chinese.

Anonymous wrote:I mean …. sounds like he recognizes his privilege.

I mean…sounds like you have victim mentality.

I mean …. sounds like he recognizes his privilege.

Not all S Asians who marry white people are racist or colorist, but it sure seems like that played into your husband’s decision making!

Who is asking you to identify your child’s race? My child at that age described people as pink, tan, brown. As we talked about history and race, we talked about labels. Still told our kids they are half white/half Asian. That’s how they answer if anyone asks. Every form I have had to fill out allows me to check both. Why are you erasing half of their heritage? Their skin color is not all that makes them half-Indian. There are lots of black people with light enough skin to be considered white. It’s not about skin color. Why are you and your husband so focused on trying to be white? Of course your kids will be messed up.

I know multiple S Asian men with similar issues. Their white wives have stepped up to learn about their culture, pass it along to their kids, so they can love all parts of themselves. You may have to address some of your own prejudices and step up here. Your husband is likely not going to be the one who can navigate this well.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He said it's a good thing he's not black. His Dad is south Asian. He's medium brown. I am white. His dad does say the baby is like a white version of him, and he is. He looks like a copy of my husband except for the skin color. When our six-year-old said this, we asked him why he would say that. He immediately started crying. I explained that it was very offensive. He's exposed to different people at school and Saturday language school. I'm not sure if he mixed up with words/meanings. Right before he said that, he asked me what color he was. He asks this question a lot. His little brother has lighter skin. I tell him he's a mix of Mommy and Daddy, olive-toned. I don't know if we should be talking more or less about skin color. I want to bring up the topic again.

OP you need to have a serious talk with YOUR HUSBAND. In South Asia, colorism is big and real, he may not even noticed how he interacts with his dark skinned son versus the lighter baby or the comments he makes. It may all be still in his subconscious, but your husband and his family have been exposed to a deep, long seeded self hatred of dark skin. Your kid is just picking upon cues.

Sorry this is BS. I am Indian and my kids are very white looking. You are allowed to make observations about what your baby looks like. Just because my "family" is from South Asia doesn't mean we're racist a$$holes.

-NP

Shout it from the rooftops your kids pass as white!!!! What does that have to do with anything, but reinforcing how a South Asian parent values lighter skin tone. Noone called you racist aholes, but many are pointing out South Asian culture and history with the shame of dark skin. Colorism: "Prejudice or bias against persons on the basis of their skin color or complexion, often among persons of the same racial identification." and let's not even start talking about the Indian Caste System and its relationship with colorism.

Six is not too young to see what is happening around them. My daughter is biracial and by six she said she wished she was white with blonde hair. In America white is the default standard of beauty. And children see that at a young age. Your son already knows that white is best, brown comes second, and black is at the bottom. I think you should talk to him about the reality of America and the treatment of Blacks. I wouldn’t sugarcoat it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He said it's a good thing he's not black. His Dad is south Asian. He's medium brown. I am white. His dad does say the baby is like a white version of him, and he is. He looks like a copy of my husband except for the skin color. When our six-year-old said this, we asked him why he would say that. He immediately started crying. I explained that it was very offensive. He's exposed to different people at school and Saturday language school. I'm not sure if he mixed up with words/meanings. Right before he said that, he asked me what color he was. He asks this question a lot. His little brother has lighter skin. I tell him he's a mix of Mommy and Daddy, olive-toned. I don't know if we should be talking more or less about skin color. I want to bring up the topic again.

OP you need to have a serious talk with YOUR HUSBAND. In South Asia, colorism is big and real, he may not even noticed how he interacts with his dark skinned son versus the lighter baby or the comments he makes. It may all be still in his subconscious, but your husband and his family have been exposed to a deep, long seeded self hatred of dark skin. Your kid is just picking upon cues.

The other son is not dark at all. Maybe he notices we talk about his brother being white and feels left out.

You think? Your 6 year old is not stupid; he can see that he's darker than the baby. Then mom and dad keep bringing up the baby being white, and six y/o says, "good thing I'm not black," and you're confused?

He's slightly darker. My husband doesn't treat him differently. Sometimes someone is mixed, but it's not apparent. So do I tell him he should identify as brown when to the outside world, he looks white? I have told people my husband is Asian, and they flat out say he doesn't look Asian. I feel like if my kids tell people they're mixed, many people will say they don't look mixed. I think that's why my husband just wanted to consider them white. Compared to him, they look white.

Woa, your husband has issues. Why is he so keen to identify them as white? Why aren’t you just saying you’re half-Indian, half-white? That’s what we told our kids. No one is asking them to choose a race at that age. And yes, sounds like your husband is the cause of this, and you also, because you seem to be clueless about colorism in S Asia and more generally that kids pick up on these types of things. But really, sounds like it starts with your husband. You can justify all you want, but clearly you and your husband have given your 6 yr old issues, due to your preference for white skin. Please do better for his sake, and for your baby’s.

100%

Colorism is ingrained in South Asians' minds, it is so deep few are self-aware or want to be. They married white/anglo partners when possible to have kids with lighter skin color. Remember that South Asia is the region with the most products to lighten skin. Although many of these products can be dangerous and even cause cancer, people still use them because it is better to die of cancer than have dark skin. OP, it is your duty as a mother if you wanted to marry and have children of another race and culture, to at least, make the effort to understand them. Learn their history and current socio-cultural framework. Please, do it for your children, and get educated on colorism. There is plenty of data, articles, and more South Asian people speaking out against it and calling out as opposed to just keeping it secret.

https://www.msn.com/en-us/lifestyle/lifestyle-buzz/tan-france-beauty-and-the-bleach-documentary-discusses-colorism-and-skin-bleaching/ar-AAWqrHH

"Tan France revealed to the Daily Mail that as a child, he felt immense pressure from his family to be lighter-skinned, and resorted to using skin bleaching cream when he was 10. 'Colourism is everywhere and it’s not the same as racism,' France said in an interview with The Guardian. 'It’s often within communities of color themselves that people are discriminated against based on the darkness of their skin, and it has lifelong effects of internalized shame.'”

https://www.thecollegianur.com/article/2022/04/miss-america-2014-denounces-colorism-in-south-asian-communities
"Growing up, she would spend her summers in India and remembered seeing skin whitening ads on television, she said. At 8 years old, Davuluri’s uncle took her to the dermatologist for eczema. The doctor gave her cream for treatment, but Davuluri wanted a cream to make her skin lighter instead."

Anonymous wrote:You really need to inquire more to see what your kids mean.

+1 OP notwithstanding the many helpful comments from PPs, you didn't wait for your child to answer your question "why would you say that". Why didn't you wait and listen first?

My children are biracial and talk about skin colors all the time. One child calls himself golden and the other calls himself tan. Their dad is very dark skinned and they call him brown. I’m white and they call me peach. The point is that children are observant and if you let them be curious about skin color and talk about it matter-of-factly, they will respond in kind. I think adults sometimes rush to projections and introduce judgments where there were none in childhood innocence.

At the park the other day, my 4yo son (half-white, half hispanic) was playing with a black girl. She was older than him and was taking toys from him and being a little pushy - all within the range of normal kid play, but I could see that my son was getting a bit frustrated. At one point he ran over to me and I asked him whether he wanted to keep playing where we were or go to the playground. He pointed to the playground and a white boy playing there and said "maybe we can play with that boy, he has the same color skin as us."

I was caught off guard and sputtered something like "yes, people have all different colors of skin, and we can play with everyone"

I don't know if I handled it correctly. My hope is that it was just an observation that he phrased weirdly bc he is 4.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He said it's a good thing he's not black. His Dad is south Asian. He's medium brown. I am white. His dad does say the baby is like a white version of him, and he is. He looks like a copy of my husband except for the skin color. When our six-year-old said this, we asked him why he would say that. He immediately started crying. I explained that it was very offensive. He's exposed to different people at school and Saturday language school. I'm not sure if he mixed up with words/meanings. Right before he said that, he asked me what color he was. He asks this question a lot. His little brother has lighter skin. I tell him he's a mix of Mommy and Daddy, olive-toned. I don't know if we should be talking more or less about skin color. I want to bring up the topic again.

OP you need to have a serious talk with YOUR HUSBAND. In South Asia, colorism is big and real, he may not even noticed how he interacts with his dark skinned son versus the lighter baby or the comments he makes. It may all be still in his subconscious, but your husband and his family have been exposed to a deep, long seeded self hatred of dark skin. Your kid is just picking upon cues.

The other son is not dark at all. Maybe he notices we talk about his brother being white and feels left out.

You think? Your 6 year old is not stupid; he can see that he's darker than the baby. Then mom and dad keep bringing up the baby being white, and six y/o says, "good thing I'm not black," and you're confused?

He's slightly darker. My husband doesn't treat him differently. Sometimes someone is mixed, but it's not apparent. So do I tell him he should identify as brown when to the outside world, he looks white? I have told people my husband is Asian, and they flat out say he doesn't look Asian. I feel like if my kids tell people they're mixed, many people will say they don't look mixed. I think that's why my husband just wanted to consider them white. Compared to him, they look white.

Woa, your husband has issues. Why is he so keen to identify them as white? Why aren’t you just saying you’re half-Indian, half-white? That’s what we told our kids. No one is asking them to choose a race at that age. And yes, sounds like your husband is the cause of this, and you also, because you seem to be clueless about colorism in S Asia and more generally that kids pick up on these types of things. But really, sounds like it starts with your husband. You can justify all you want, but clearly you and your husband have given your 6 yr old issues, due to your preference for white skin. Please do better for his sake, and for your baby’s.

You really need to inquire more to see what your kids mean. My kids, at that age, did not perceive any people as "black" or "white" - they perceived all people as shades of brown/tan/pink, so might have said something like it's good you're not black because then it would be hard to see you at night like a black cat is hard to see. One of my kids had this whole thing talking about "the white man" and then I eventually realized they were talking about the street-crossing crosswalk sign. (I was like "no...we don't have to do what the white man says...." it was very confusing.)

Or, as other PPs have said, it could be internalized racist views about skin color. You won't know until you ask about what they were thinking.

Yep. Good old Kindergarten. My AA DD talks about wanting straight, long, blond hair all the time. She says her Daddy caused her to be brown because he is black. I try to read Sulwe and other books from different cultures but she is not budging.

People are different colors even within same race. If you think your children are smothered first, you move got another thing. Move on and stop making a problem where there isn’t one. You’re not special.