Anonymous wrote:It doesn't have to be an affair. He could just be unhappy (reality, life, work, this is it??) and he knows he can't drink like that around you. So he sneaks drinks beyond what he is "allowed" (as a husband, father, upstanding person, whatever he is having to be) and he can't handle it.

Basically, trying to get away from "life".

OP, the takeaway from the above should NOT be that you somehow caused his alcohol abuse. I would have felt that way when I was realizing about my DH’s addiction. That’s not how it works.

It doesn't have to be an affair. He could just be unhappy (reality, life, work, this is it??) and he knows he can't drink like that around you. So he sneaks drinks beyond what he is "allowed" (as a husband, father, upstanding person, whatever he is having to be) and he can't handle it.

Basically, trying to get away from "life".

Anonymous wrote:Do you really think he took his dog to a bar? Drank with his guy friend while walking dogs? This makes no sense.

An alcoholic may very well use these random little opportunities to binge. It’s desperation but it doesn’t mean it’s necessarily an affair.

Do you really think he took his dog to a bar? Drank with his guy friend while walking dogs? This makes no sense.

Six months from now you will be kicking yourself for not taking action NOW. Definitely alcohol abuse. Likely affair induced. It is a thing, OP, and he’s likely using alcohol to cover the guilt and self-loathing that accompanies his adulterous encounters. You need to take action NOW: check his texts, review credit card statements, hire a PI, nail down all assets, lawyer up.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

I just ran into neighbor wife and she made a comment about how tired their dog is today from playing with ours last night and we should let them wear each other out more often.

I’m not seeing the relevance of this …

The neighbor wife is having an affair with Op's husband. The cover story is that they

My DH is an alcoholic, now 9 months sober. No affair.

Your stories are so familiar, OP. You don’t need to be drunk all the time to have alcohol use disorder. Hallmarks are things like sneaking, shame, inability to stick to predetermined limits you set for yourself, feeling like you only want one and then can’t stop. People are born with a genetic predisposition, like a switch, and excessive drinking flips the switch. It’s hard to stop once it’s flipped. You will probably find hidden bottles elsewhere.

My DH went to an outpatient treatment program and is proud of his sobriety but continues to acknowledge it’s a marathon.

Anonymous wrote:is the neighbor attractive? could he be injecting her on the side?

Did he drop the dog there when he was supposed to be walking it? Perhaps he asked if he could leave Fido there and met up and banged his AP and picked Fido up on way home.

OP says neighbors husband and her husband are good friends. Maybe he’s covering for him and neighbor lady is trying to tip OP off. Subtly let her know somethings up.

is the neighbor attractive? could he be injecting her on the side?

August: You found 8 empty cans in the in-law suite. Would he have ever had the opportunity to have a little party-of-two in the in-law suite? Did you ever go away for a night?

October: You went on vacation as a family. Was it just your family, or friends vacationing nearby?

February: He said he went to a movie, but came back drunk, so clearly went to a bar or to hang out with someone and drink.

Last night: Here's where I think you could get more info. Can you ask the neighbor wife what your DH and her DH were up to last night? If you are friends, I think you could say, "DH came home really drunk, and I'm concerned. Were you around with them last night, what was going on?"

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Imo having dealt with alcoholic family members, this doesn't sound like an affair to me. Rather a drinking problem. He's now physically dependent. I'm sorry. Have a sit down ultimatum with him. Give him a chance to sober up, as etc. Give him time. Figure out ahead of time how many relapses you are willing to put up with. Imo with children involved, don't put up with relapses buy I think he deserves support at least in the beginning of his journey. If he stays the course, by all means provide him all the love and support he deserves. But cut bait if he relapses once. I know it's harsh and I may get hate for it. But sadly I know all too well the damage and trauma alcoholism causes.

But doesn't "physically dependent" require more than binges 1x every other month? Physical dependence is more like daily drinking. It sounds like OP is with her DH enough to know that he isn't doing this every day, every week, or even every other week, he's doing it every once in a while, and lying, which is why I kind of align with these folks saying that their affair-having DHs behaved the same way. I don't have any experience with that personally, but from this thread it sounds like it's a thing.

And if it's not an affair, there is something else triggering him to suddenly decide to get wasted on these incidents that were all about 2 months apart.

+1

Anonymous wrote:Imo having dealt with alcoholic family members, this doesn't sound like an affair to me. Rather a drinking problem. He's now physically dependent. I'm sorry. Have a sit down ultimatum with him. Give him a chance to sober up, as etc. Give him time. Figure out ahead of time how many relapses you are willing to put up with. Imo with children involved, don't put up with relapses buy I think he deserves support at least in the beginning of his journey. If he stays the course, by all means provide him all the love and support he deserves. But cut bait if he relapses once. I know it's harsh and I may get hate for it. But sadly I know all too well the damage and trauma alcoholism causes.

But doesn't "physically dependent" require more than binges 1x every other month? Physical dependence is more like daily drinking. It sounds like OP is with her DH enough to know that he isn't doing this every day, every week, or even every other week, he's doing it every once in a while, and lying, which is why I kind of align with these folks saying that their affair-having DHs behaved the same way. I don't have any experience with that personally, but from this thread it sounds like it's a thing.

And if it's not an affair, there is something else triggering him to suddenly decide to get wasted on these incidents that were all about 2 months apart.

Imo having dealt with alcoholic family members, this doesn't sound like an affair to me. Rather a drinking problem. He's now physically dependent. I'm sorry. Have a sit down ultimatum with him. Give him a chance to sober up, as etc. Give him time. Figure out ahead of time how many relapses you are willing to put up with. Imo with children involved, don't put up with relapses buy I think he deserves support at least in the beginning of his journey. If he stays the course, by all means provide him all the love and support he deserves. But cut bait if he relapses once. I know it's harsh and I may get hate for it. But sadly I know all too well the damage and trauma alcoholism causes.

Another affair drinker. It started with the affair. It came to a head and a break down. I found airplane bottles of booze and breath mints in the wheel well of his car. He used to get buzzed pre-hookup and continue to drink in the hotel room or at her house until he drove home after. Middle of the day on Fridays.

I saw him later that evening since I was out driving kids to sports and would just think he started happy hour waiting for me on Fridays with dinner ready and an open bottle of wine. Nope he started it at noon when he went to bang her.

I read this thread and think of all these guys driving under the influence. Horrifying. Also, the fact they needed “liquid courage” to commit adultery is telling. It’s all escapism.

My ex also had inexplicable increased drinking to the point of blacking out. When our kid was 1yo. I had no idea what was happening. It coincided with his affair. Get your ducks in a row, spyware on his phone if you can, talk to a lawyer. He's either an alcoholic who needs intervention and your life is going to suffer. Or he's a cheater also with alcoholic behavior and your life is going to suffer. Let him spiral down by himself.