Anonymous wrote:OP, there is something very odd about your child -wanting- to live at home, seeking that out. Not saying you can't allow it but she is not on track.

Anonymous wrote:The housing and other issues might be a symptom of something primary. It seems like the daughter wants to be sheltered/protected by her parents at a time when she should be building independence. It’s like the daughter just isn’t ready to deal with the life of an independent adult. What is the cause of that?

Anonymous wrote:Are there sororities on campus? She’d have an instant friend group and usually there are housing options as well.

Anonymous wrote:OP— I have an anxiety disorder. And as a result, transitions are tough for me. Transition to college, to grad school, to career, to marriage, to motherhood. Now to empty nest— all tough. So, I have gotten therapy and learned how to set up good situations (I’m now laying the groundwork of things to do for when my 2022 kid leaves) and to tolerate uncomfortable ones until they become familiar.

Sometimes, transferring is the right call. But, I look and I see a kid who had a tough first year in transferred— in 2020 during COVID, when everyplace was less than ideal. I have 2020 kid. It was not ideal, but most kids dealt with less than ideal and looked forward to more normal this year. And now your wants to transfer again— because of housing. And that point, she has 2 “failures” under her belt in places where most college kids were or are able to make it work.

At some point, you DD will have to stick with a less than ideal, unfamiliar or difficult situation or she will never be able to live independently, have a career or have a family. Those are skills you learn. And every time she does’t stick with a situation that has issues but isn’t terrible, she has less confidence in herself.

I would do whatever it took to make this situation work. It has a downside: housing. State college will have a downside too. The grass is always greener. Help her find housing, have her take a gap year to get therapy and work, work with disability services to keep her on campus— whatever. Filling in as her friend is not healthy. Helping her avoid dealing with uncomfortable situations is not a good idea.

FWIw, my kid has sensory issues. I call them bat ears. If your DD advertised for a roommate looking for a quiet environment, she’d sign on for that over living with a noisy BFF. There are definitely other kids looking for quiet roommates.

Anonymous wrote:I have another idea. Does the college have a mom or parent Facebook page? I am not usually a fan of these, but sometimes, people can be helpful or have resources for you and your DD to investigate. Of course, you are aware apartment living by yourself is always more expensive than a sharing situation. You can also try the college confidential website under your specific college for some useful assistance.

Anonymous wrote:At worst, you are status obsessed (she went from SLAC to lesser-than), controlling ("should I 'let' her") and really, I wonder if you are a support or a purse.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op — I allow suggest changing your language. What do you mean should you allow her to transfer? She doesn’t need your permission. You can suggest, recommend, support, but she can do what she wants as far as school. She does not need your permission.

OP here. She cares about my input and has asked me to help her think about the pros & cons of it. She is doing the same thing.

Anonymous wrote:Op — I allow suggest changing your language. What do you mean should you allow her to transfer? She doesn’t need your permission. You can suggest, recommend, support, but she can do what she wants as far as school. She does not need your permission.

Anonymous wrote:I would allow, even encourage, it, but I would also push hard for mental health treatment.

Anonymous wrote:Op — I allow suggest changing your language. What do you mean should you allow her to transfer? She doesn’t need your permission. You can suggest, recommend, support, but she can do what she wants as far as school. She does not need your permission.