Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have not gone thru this, but I think your job now can be to figure out what government agencies can help their situation. You should not have to spend your $$ or use funds earmarked for your children. Do they each receive social security? Are they eligible for medicaid? Food stamps? Do you have any siblings to help you? Hopefully, someone on this forum can lead you to an elderly social worker type group.

That's what I'm trying to figure out, but from what I can tell it looks like their social security income plus the one small pension is just slightly above the monthly threshold for qualifying for government assistance. But no where near enough to pay for nursing care or assisted living. I'm trying to read up to understand this better, but need to take breaks as I'm just feeling angry.

If your parents have social security and a small pension, you should consider talking with an eldercare attorney about how to get your parents into a facility. Sometimes nursing facilities will accept you if you can private pay for x months before going on Medicaid. They will typically take all of the SS and pension $, and allow you a tiny amount for personal items. Talk to an elder care attorney about how to legally spend down their assets.

Yes! You can't do this alone. Call an eldercare attorney/manager to connect and coordinate a variety of services. My mom refused to entertain any planning regarding what would happen to her if my dad died. She refused to engage in these discussions. We tried getting my parents into an apartment, she refused. Now she's stuck living alone yet is unable to do anything logistics-wise (she never has been -- very dependent on my dad and us). She did this, so eldercare manages it

Anonymous wrote:So many people here recommend to use government assistance and Medicaid “it’s what is there for” like these are unlimited resources, how many more older people will soon be in the same position of not having enough money and relying on the government to taken care off them, so many retirees won’t have even a pension, count yourselves lucky for those of you whose parents have as income PLUS pension, please remember the strains the government will be put on when people opposed tax increases.

Yeah, well that's a whole 'nother subject. IMO, the issue is about WHO is eligible for these services, for how long and for how much. Not just Medicaid but other services too.

I can tell you from first-hand experience that my elderly brother gets ZERO housing assistance because ALL the low-income vouchers are prioritized towards those who have children. I have gone in-person with him trying to get him housing assistance and have been repeatedly told, year after year, that there are no vouchers available for elderly because people with minor kids come first - including people who are not U.S. citizens.

The young woman in line ahead of him was a non-citizen (apparently healthy) from a Central American country. She had one child and was approved for a voucher. My brother, who paid taxes his whole life, is still out in the cold.

If we did not help with his rent he would be in a tent or living out of his car, which he has had to do before. And no, he is not an alcoholic or on drugs and has worked his whole life, although low-paying jobs. What he has done is committed the ultimate crime in this country: he is old and poor. And the tsunami he is part of is just beginning to form...

People have to keep in mind there are indeed going to be massive strains on the government as the Boomer generation ages. Then voters will have to decide who should get services first.

So many people here recommend to use government assistance and Medicaid “it’s what is there for” like these are unlimited resources, how many more older people will soon be in the same position of not having enough money and relying on the government to taken care off them, so many retirees won’t have even a pension, count yourselves lucky for those of you whose parents have as income PLUS pension, please remember the strains the government will be put on when people opposed tax increases.

If they are in fairfax, check out the braddock glen assisted living. It's operated by Sunrise but county-owned and the income limits, while modest, are still higher than medicaid limits.

Don’t ruin your family’s finances over their last few years. Use public programs. Your primary obligation is to YOUR children.

My grandmother was in a Medicaid facility that was pretty nice. I don’t think you should assume they are all horrible. My mother looked very hard for the best place for my grandmother.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do. It risk your retirement or your kids’ college for your parents. They can go into a Medicaid home.

Assisted livings are not covered by Medicaid in most states.

There are actual Medicaid nursing homes. They aren't as nice as private nursing homes.

But you have to be “bad off” enough health-wise to warrant a nursing home. Nursing homes do not take just anyone. Medicaid may also not approve them to stay in a nursing home if their health issues do not warrant it. There is a real and serious gap in the social safety net in-between independent living and nursing homes.

This. It's important to know the difference between nursing homes and ALFs. Medicare/Medicaid does NOT cover ALFs.

It is highly unlikely that BOTH of OP's parents will be medically qualified for nursing home care simultaneously; essentially both of them with severe enough impairments to need constant hands-on care with daily living activities.

OP, FWIW I have an elder sibling who never managed to save a penny his entire life. He wound up taking SS as early as he could, which is under $1k per month and barely covers his rent. Imagine trying to live off that!

Well, I did as others have suggested and looked into everything he was eligible for. He gets Medicare/Medicaid, has a cell phone for free, gets assistance with his utilities, gets "food stamps" that are more than enough for his needs. There are other services he would qualify for but for right now, he manages OK with a minimal amount of assistance (car insurance.)

Bottom line is all the worrying I did about him over the years was for naught. It does work out after beating on all the government agency doors. He is doing OK. If he winds up needing full-time care he's already Medicaid qualified and can get in a nursing home.

I sometimes laugh and say he's the smart one in the family. He drifted through life with not a care in the world. Now he is elderly, his basic needs are going to be taken care of. I worked hard and was diligent yet will have to spend down everything I saved just to get the benefits he does!

One saying that really helped me cope with feelings about elder care was ‘you don’t have to set yourself on fire to keep others warm.’

Anonymous wrote:For those of you whose parents don't need your financial help, you gave been given such a gift! This will probably take therapy, and I'll welcome recommendations for providers, but in the meantime, does anyone have tips for how to set aside anger at parents for not managing their money well?

Long story short, my parents ignored warnings and made choices that cost them their house and left them with virtually no savings. They are nearing a point health wise where they need to move out of their rent controlled apartment into an assisted living facility. Now I am stuck jeopardizing my own family's finances to pay for them, contemplating a second job so I don't have to go into debt.

I don't want to feel resentful. They were good parents in other arenas. I know many many people are in worse situations. Still it just feels so unfair to have this stress. We're having a meeting l with a financial advisor I hired to help sort out their options, and I'm having trouble not getting riled up just planning for it, sorting through bank statements of nearly empty accounts. How can I be kind to my parents at this time when I feel like they've left a mess?

Don't put your family's financial future in jeopardy. File for Medicaid for your parents.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do. It risk your retirement or your kids’ college for your parents. They can go into a Medicaid home.

Assisted livings are not covered by Medicaid in most states.

There are actual Medicaid nursing homes. They aren't as nice as private nursing homes.

But you have to be “bad off” enough health-wise to warrant a nursing home. Nursing homes do not take just anyone. Medicaid may also not approve them to stay in a nursing home if their health issues do not warrant it. There is a real and serious gap in the social safety net in-between independent living and nursing homes.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do. It risk your retirement or your kids’ college for your parents. They can go into a Medicaid home.

Assisted livings are not covered by Medicaid in most states.

There are actual Medicaid nursing homes. They aren't as nice as private nursing homes.

Anonymous wrote:Do. It risk your retirement or your kids’ college for your parents. They can go into a Medicaid home.

Assisted livings are not covered by Medicaid in most states.

OP I can relate. My father had a middle class job and a 7 figure retirement fund. Then he had a midlife crisis and squandered the entire amount buying his AP a home. Then he broke up with that one and bought another house for another AP. He bought these houses outright for them and is not even on the title. They are younger than me! Disgusting. Anyway, he now has virtually no money left, no real estate, nothing except for SS and a tiny pension that is literally a couple hundred dollars over the Medicaid limit. I have no sympathy and will not jeopardize my own retirement and children’s future to support him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, how is your spouse dealing with all of those? We have a similar situation but with my in-laws and it has become a strain on our marriage. It's important to me to be able to pay for my kids' education, but DH wants to prioritize supplementing his dad's retirement lifestyle. Difficult issue, and I hope you are communicating with your spouse and respecting his wishes, too.

Supportive so far, but this is important cautionary advice. I don't think either of us understood how bad their situation was and their health was fine...until it wasn't.

NP. I feel like i can see my future with this- I think my parents are doing *ok* right now because their health is generally good but I know they don't have a lot of savings and didn't get much when the sold their house due to refinancing multiple times. But my dad is not upfront at all, I don't know if my mom even knows their situation. And it already happened with my now deceased paternal grandparents, in their case they lived far above their retirement income (took grandfather's pension as a lump sum) and then the health problems mounted. Difference being that my dad was one of 8 kids and one of my uncles is very well off, so between the 8 kids sending money every month with that uncle contributing a lot more, they were able to keep my grandparents at their home with health care aides for a long time. Will not be able to do that with my parents.

Best of luck to you figuring this out.

Anonymous wrote:I have not gone thru this, but I think your job now can be to figure out what government agencies can help their situation. You should not have to spend your $$ or use funds earmarked for your children. Do they each receive social security? Are they eligible for medicaid? Food stamps? Do you have any siblings to help you? Hopefully, someone on this forum can lead you to an elderly social worker type group.

Agree, this is the answer. Especially if you tried to provide advice and it wasn’t accepted. My parents ignore all of the kids’ advice on their finances and I just figure if my advice isn’t good enough for them, then my money isn’t either. Harsh but fair. It’s not their right to squander money and then take from their kids. I would have a totally different position if they didn’t have the money and were just hard working people in low paying jobs.