Anonymous wrote:Communicate to her in writing a brief note that you didn't cheat just once, but approx. x amount of times.

It will help erase any potential fleeting doubts she may have on an off day about ending things.

Anonymous wrote:OP stop blaming yourself. Obviously your wife wasn't giving you what you needed in the marriage and you had no choice but to seek relief elsewhere. It's obvious she just didn't "get" you and the butterflies weren't there any longer. You're like the Meryl Streep character in "Bridges of Madison County" with genders swapped. I can't believe the harsh criticism you're getting from a.bunch of incels and femcels. If she had been a truly good wife.she would have kept you satisfied and you wouldn't have stayed. The divorce is her fault.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Communicate to her in writing a brief note that you didn't cheat just once, but approx. x amount of times.

It will help erase any potential fleeting doubts she may have on an off day about ending things.

I think he would be better off a sincere apology and accountability not with the motive of using it to get his soul mate back, but to take responsibility and offer that remorse.

Anonymous wrote:^^one thing that might help — feeling bad is not the same as being bad. You might be confusing the two. Take it one minute at a time. Feel your sadness, guilt, anxiety, shame. Take a break and take care of yourself — eat healthy, exercise, try not to get consumed in your inner narrative. Feel the feelings. Repeat. Over time you’ll build up more of a tolerance for the feelings and they will evoke kindness in you, not anger and escapist impulses. This is a process of healing for you. Only as a whole person can you be good for someone else.

Anonymous wrote:Communicate to her in writing a brief note that you didn't cheat just once, but approx. x amount of times.

It will help erase any potential fleeting doubts she may have on an off day about ending things.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All of your issues come from the same place — inability to tolerate difficult emotions. If you let yourself feel some of this without the whole story of self-blame, with some compassion for yourself, you would be in a different place.

This is a very good point. I always struggled with that, and with adversity in general, instead of counting my blessings and living in the present moment. Been always looking for safety. I just don't know how to move away from the self-blame - because objectively, I acted in such a horrible way against my ex-wife who was just kindess and understanding with me. Why would I have some compassion for myself given what I have done?

Anonymous wrote:All of your issues come from the same place — inability to tolerate difficult emotions. If you let yourself feel some of this without the whole story of self-blame, with some compassion for yourself, you would be in a different place.

Anonymous wrote:There is this pattern for some men:

Treat a woman poorly. Assume she won't leave. Externalize your feelings of shame and low self-esteem by transforming them into anger and disgust with other people, particularly the primary woman in your life. Feel a little bit better -- temporarily -- by cheating on the woman, and/or expressing your disgust for some aspect of their personality or body directly, and/or simple fits of rage about trivial matters. Be surprised when she leaves.

Be consumed by guilt over the process. Externalize those feelings again by placing your shame and self-loathing out there and making other people deal with it by expressing in detail how depressed you are, how hard this is for you, and often suicidal ideation. Make other people deal with it. Don't actual change, but wallow in the negative feelings and express them in greater and greater detail.

Rinse and repeat.

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Don't know if this is you, OP, but take a good look at it.

The way out of this is to deal with your own emotions and the consequences of your actions in therapy. It's hard, and it doesn't feel good, but it means dealing with it instead of just vomiting it all over other people for attention and to (somewhat paradoxically) avoid responsibility AGAIN.

Anonymous wrote:There is hope for you. I have been reading a lot to deal with my husband's emotional abuse and I came across several resources to help men who are in your situation. You can become better and be happy and have a good relationship someday (forget the idea of a soulmate).

Here is a blog post that isn't totally relevant to you, but the guy has been in your situation and he got through it. He has probably written other things about it.

https://theoverwhelmedbrain.com/the-healing-journey-of-the-emotional-abuser/

Anonymous wrote:You brought this on yourself you crying @$$ mother f#*@&$@. Shut your b*%-%/ @$$ up and get on with your life and back inside of what got you in trouble in the first place. Then find a new "soulmate" after you've gotten your piece wet enough to stop crying yourself to sleep. You sound like a b!?#& by the way, hope your father isn't ashamed of you.