Anonymous
Post 03/09/2022 22:57     Subject: Both partners have high level jobs
Anonymous wrote:I don't get why people have kids and then outsource 90% of the childcare to strangers.


I wish parents had outsourced 90% of childcare to strangers. Sadly, they couldn't afford it so I was stuck with them and worse off for it.
Anonymous
Post 03/09/2022 22:28     Subject: Both partners have high level jobs
Anonymous wrote:We made it work by having our children a little later than “perfect” (34 and 37) so that I was in a senior enough position to determine my schedule and meetings were held around my convenience, not others. So when I first went back, I arrived at work when the baby was going down for morning nap and picked her up at 5, she went to bed at 7 and I logged back on. There’s no reason in-person meetings need to be held outside the hours of 10:00-5 and most things can be done remotely. You need to do this at an employer that values you, though, you cannot make it work in a place at which you’re a cog in a machine.


Yep, this is exactly my situation.
Anonymous
Post 03/09/2022 20:33     Subject: Both partners have high level jobs
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You had three children, you figure it out in your own. Did the crime, do the time. Suck it up buttercup.


Harsh but true.

You can’t have everything. Your husband already has the time consuming job, if you need one too, the kids are toast. But, lots of people are fine with that.

If you live in DC and have to pay $$ to outsource every damn thing, that $500k isn’t going to feel like anything.


This was us. Dh worked a lot. I also had a demanding job. I felt like I was outsourcing out my entire life. I’m now a sahm and Dh earns a seven figure income.

I think a lot of the very high earners ($800+) have a stay at home spouse.

We do know double big job families and they have nannies, often more than one. Some have an au pair. The parents are obviously a lot less involved in their children’s lives.
Anonymous
Post 03/09/2022 20:26     Subject: Both partners have high level jobs
Anonymous wrote:They delegate work to hired help. Nannies, house keepers and home managers can run home really efficiently.


This is easier said than done.
It’s hard to hire a nanny (or 2) who have the same work ethic that someone making $300k/yr has. You not only need a nanny and a housekeeper, you need multiple levels of back-up care.

The flip side is that this only lasts so long. In 5-10 years, your family life will look completely different, and you will have years to focus on your career.
Anonymous
Post 03/09/2022 20:15     Subject: Both partners have high level jobs
Anonymous wrote:You had three children, you figure it out in your own. Did the crime, do the time. Suck it up buttercup.


Harsh but true.

You can’t have everything. Your husband already has the time consuming job, if you need one too, the kids are toast. But, lots of people are fine with that.

If you live in DC and have to pay $$ to outsource every damn thing, that $500k isn’t going to feel like anything.
Anonymous
Post 03/09/2022 20:06     Subject: Both partners have high level jobs
We made it work by having our children a little later than “perfect” (34 and 37) so that I was in a senior enough position to determine my schedule and meetings were held around my convenience, not others. So when I first went back, I arrived at work when the baby was going down for morning nap and picked her up at 5, she went to bed at 7 and I logged back on. There’s no reason in-person meetings need to be held outside the hours of 10:00-5 and most things can be done remotely. You need to do this at an employer that values you, though, you cannot make it work in a place at which you’re a cog in a machine.
Anonymous
Post 03/09/2022 19:12     Subject: Both partners have high level jobs
Anonymous wrote:The senior women I work with have live-in nanny/housekeeper for their school age kids. They eat dinner with their kids most nights and go to sports competitions, but they don’t drive their kids around or make dinner. They don’t clean their own houses or keep them stocked with food and household items. They don’t shop - they choose outfits a stylist sends them. They don’t decorate their house, they choose items a decorator suggests. They eat pre-made lunches from meal delivery services.

They literally just work and spend time with their kids.


This is exactly us but no live in. Just a friend nanny and weekly housekeeper. dh works only 30 hrs though so he handles a bunch of items. I also have a virtual personal assistant who does a bunch of organizational stuff. Literally I delegate everything I can that isn’t spending time with the kids and I delegate like crazy at work. My male colleagues think I am a diva for having someone do my calendar for me, but it is another 2 hrs I am not spending on my laptop a night each week and am instead chatting with my son before bed. So no, not sorry.
Anonymous
Post 03/09/2022 19:06     Subject: Both partners have high level jobs
You had three children, you figure it out in your own. Did the crime, do the time. Suck it up buttercup.
Anonymous
Post 03/09/2022 18:54     Subject: Both partners have high level jobs
Sorry didn't see it but how old are your kids? I dunno, two demanding inflexible jobs and three kids sounds like a recipe for disaster. I assume right now you guys make in the $200s so the question is what does the extra money get you and is it worth the added stress? My bet is no, it's not. It's not just the day to day but the other stuff that comes up. COVID has been a childcare nightmare as I'm sure it's been for you with your current job esp since no backup care place will come to the house if your kids are sick.

You could explore your DH stepping back as you step up.
Anonymous
Post 03/09/2022 18:48     Subject: Both partners have high level jobs
Anonymous wrote:What does your husband think?


He is nervous for the change in the family but thinks it’s an amazing opportunity. There is so much upward mobility with this job.
Anonymous
Post 03/09/2022 18:44     Subject: Both partners have high level jobs
What does your husband think?
Anonymous
Post 03/09/2022 18:22     Subject: Both partners have high level jobs
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don't get why people have kids and then outsource 90% of the childcare to strangers.


DP here, but you don't outsource childcare, you outsource the things around childcare like cleaning, laundry, dinner, grocery shopping, etc. You get the evening and night time with your kids to really be with your kids without all the distraction.


OP here - right now I work full time as does my DH. But I have a pretty relaxed, flexible job. If I took a new job the first 6 months to a year would definitely not be as flexible since I am proving myself and don't have the political capital like I do in my current job. I would assume I would need to outsource more grocery shopping, laundry, cleaning, etc. Not when I spend time with my kids.


If you work 60-80 hours are kids are awake 12 hours a day how is there not a conflict here?


Op here - no new job would definitely not be 60-80 hours. Normally 40-45 hours a week. On occasion 50 during a very busy time.
Anonymous
Post 03/09/2022 18:20     Subject: Both partners have high level jobs
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don't get why people have kids and then outsource 90% of the childcare to strangers.


DP here, but you don't outsource childcare, you outsource the things around childcare like cleaning, laundry, dinner, grocery shopping, etc. You get the evening and night time with your kids to really be with your kids without all the distraction.


OP here - right now I work full time as does my DH. But I have a pretty relaxed, flexible job. If I took a new job the first 6 months to a year would definitely not be as flexible since I am proving myself and don't have the political capital like I do in my current job. I would assume I would need to outsource more grocery shopping, laundry, cleaning, etc. Not when I spend time with my kids.


If you work 60-80 hours are kids are awake 12 hours a day how is there not a conflict here?
Anonymous
Post 03/09/2022 18:18     Subject: Re:Both partners have high level jobs
Don't do it. Don't let the money buy your souls.
Anonymous
Post 03/09/2022 18:17     Subject: Both partners have high level jobs
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:We do it. Finance and law.
Two nannies (day time and evening). Weekly housekeeper. Groceries delivered. I work from home 3-4 days a week ever since the pandemic and will do so indefinitely. Our marriage isn't perfect but I don't think it's because we both work. We both show up at most sports practices and every game/performance/conference. We can do it because we're both in a place in our careers where we control our schedules.


How much do you both make?


HHI is over $1m.


OP here - we wouldn't be close to $1 million. More like $550K guaranteed?


You can afford 40-50 hours a week of a housekeeper who can also chauffeur your kids to practices and activities.
Laundry, cleanings, meal prep, pick up groceries ordered online, dry cleaning, pick up Target orders, take things to the post office, wash dishes, etc.