Anonymous wrote:My 25 year old daughter has been dating a guy for about 8 months now and we feel like he is taking advantage of her and her situation. She is currently in graduate school and we have been generously supporting her, which is where the taking advantage piece comes in. We don’t seem to get all the details, but the boyfriend has been “temporarily” living with her for 4 months after something happened with where he was living. He does have a job, but contributes no rent and doesn’t seem to pay any expenses - we can tell since we are footing all the bills. We are friendly with our daughter’s best friend’s parents who have heard from their daughter that the boyfriend constantly goes out without our daughter multiple night a week.

We’ve tried to talk to her but she gets very defensive. We’ve asked if the boyfriend can contribute some rent or expenses or what he is doing to pay his share, but she makes excuses or doesn’t want to hear it - she claims he is saving up to buy his own place so she is trying to help him out.

Where do we go from here - don’t want to cut her off but do we hold back money to force him into paying his own way? We also don’t want to cause a rift with our daughter since we have always had a great relationship. Not sure how to handle this.

OP I've already commented on this thread (I'm a pp questioning if the landlord knows he's living there) but I went back and re-read your post and this part really jumped out at me. If he is living in a place that you are paying for (and especially if your name/credit is on the lease at all) you have every right to know the details in what happened to the last place he was living. Was he evicted?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 25 year old daughter has been dating a guy for about 8 months now and we feel like he is taking advantage of her and her situation. She is currently in graduate school and we have been generously supporting her, which is where the taking advantage piece comes in. We don’t seem to get all the details, but the boyfriend has been “temporarily” living with her for 4 months after something happened with where he was living. He does have a job, but contributes no rent and doesn’t seem to pay any expenses - we can tell since we are footing all the bills. We are friendly with our daughter’s best friend’s parents who have heard from their daughter that the boyfriend constantly goes out without our daughter multiple night a week.

We’ve tried to talk to her but she gets very defensive. We’ve asked if the boyfriend can contribute some rent or expenses or what he is doing to pay his share, but she makes excuses or doesn’t want to hear it - she claims he is saving up to buy his own place so she is trying to help him out.

Where do we go from here - don’t want to cut her off but do we hold back money to force him into paying his own way? We also don’t want to cause a rift with our daughter since we have always had a great relationship. Not sure how to handle this.

Lol who is We? It really seems it is just you. So at least own that part of this. It does not sound like you have a great relationship with your DD. Now you want to make a decision based on your daughter’s best friend’s parents who have heard from their daughter? I am sure you can take that information to the bank! I mean third hand information is always spot on! I guess your DD’s best friend spends hours talking to her parents about your DD’s living arrangements with her boyfriend? Does that sound right to you? Let me guess the best friend’s mother does not approve of your DD living situation..lol?

What is wrong with you? She is your adult daughter(25 years old), not some simpleton. She is not being taken advantage of. You already know the answer and I bet you are going to cut her off. The only question is how many years will it be before she talks to you again and will that win you the approval of your daughter’s best friend’s parents?

What exactly do you gains by doing this?

Then she should be paying her own way. Grad school is not undergrad and mommy and daddy don’t need to pay for her “adult” housing and bills.

This. She's 25 and has a college degree. Let her support herself. If two adults want to live together they foot the bill. Boyfriend is using her. Tell him he has to pay 50% of the rent and see how long he hangs around. Daughter is helping out boyfriend with her parents money. If one of my kids threatened to cut off contact if I made boyfriend pay I'd cut them off today. I won't be manipulated by another adult when I'm going above and beyond.

While I completely agree with where you are coming from, I think doing anything punitive towards your daughter based on the boyfriend living at her apartment will backfire.

Bottom line, you don't like her boyfriend and you don't like that he's living with her in an apartment that you provide, but you have chosen to provide that housing. To me, this would be a different scenario if she was an undergrad, but she's not.

I suggest that your goal here should be for her to grow up a little and take responsibility for her own finances. You and your husband sit down and make a plan for her expenses through the next year, or through grad school if you choose, but I wouldn't tie it to the boyfriend. Give her a budget for groceries, cell phone, whatever And since it sounds like you can afford it, set her up for a mandatory session with a financial planner - this is one thing I wish my parents had done/forced on me.

Sorry, but she's 25 and making bad choices in men is a thing. Then again, if that loser showed up for Easter or whatever I wouldn't hesitate in being a dick and asking him if he likes the apartment your paying for, etc. I wouldn't pretend in order to spare your daughter's feelings.

We have a 25 year old DD who is in grad school and we pay her rent/food. I would not be ok with anyone else living in an apartment we pay for, but we told her that before she started school. Our view is that if you are old enough to live with someone (married or not), you should be independent. We don’t want to fund the life of any our kids while they play house. I do think it’s relevant that our kids have been made aware of our feelings on this before we were ever in a position to worry about it. The solution would be for them to take loans for school, like many of their friends. We provide support in an effort to make DD’s life easier post-grad, but we all recognize that is truly a gift. It’s her choice whether to accept that support under the terms we made clear before providing it.

Anonymous wrote:In graduate school at 25?? Unless it's medical or law school or a STEM doctorate, I don't understand.

You seriously don’t understand?

Maybe she had multiple internships.
Maybe she worked a couple of years before going to grad school.
Maybe she earned two bachelors degrees before grad school.

My friend got a bachelors degree in marketing and then went 3 additional semesters to earn accounting degree. During that time she interned with a large regional accounting firm and then did an internship with global (big 4 ) accounting firm in DC that offered her a job once she completed a masters degree as a masters degree was required to go directly into tax as a 1st yr associate. After internship in dc she went to grad school to earn a masters degree in taxation and study for Cpa exam. Started back at big 4 accounting firm at 26 yrs old. She has been very successful throughout her career over last 20+ yrs.

Anonymous wrote:OK i am SHOCKED at the consensus of the replies b/c I strongly disagree. Her rent has not changed...if you were cool playing the rent for a 25 year old, you can't pull it back to 50% b/c she has a BF/Roommate.

Do you know that he's not contributing in other ways? Maybe he's covering all their "going out" expenses or something else, maybe she uses his car, who knows. It doesn't impact your bills, which you were comfortable with when she was single or casually dating. I see this as 100% you trying to control your 25 yr olds' dating life b/c you don't like the BF. They may wind up married, who can know, but making her DEPENDENT on the relationship by cutting the living expenses by 50% only makes them staying together more likely. If you want to keep this relationship strong, really think carefully about how much you meddle and what strings you add to financial support. I see you as wanting to control an outcome that has nothing to really do with you, which is manipulation.

I agree with the other posters that if you were seeing grocery stores on the credit card bill and the food costs have doubled, that is totally fair game to discuss with her.

If she cares about her daughter and wants to make sure her daughter is prepared for real life and marriage, she should withdraw support (or at least half) so they both have to practice living like adults. Which is to work, learn to budget, and make sacrifices. Perhaps the BF won't be able to afford going out every night. Supporting them both is not doing anyone favors. In fact, it is enabling them to live a lifestyle they can't otherwise afford. Grownups don't live off their parents. It's not manipulative behavior to groom your children to be self-supporting and contributing members of society.

Anonymous wrote:In graduate school at 25?? Unless it's medical or law school or a STEM doctorate, I don't understand.

If you can't comprehend that not everyone is on the exact same timeline of undergrad/grad school, maybe you should get an education yourself!

In graduate school at 25?? Unless it's medical or law school or a STEM doctorate, I don't understand.

Anonymous wrote:OK i am SHOCKED at the consensus of the replies b/c I strongly disagree. Her rent has not changed...if you were cool playing the rent for a 25 year old, you can't pull it back to 50% b/c she has a BF/Roommate.

Do you know that he's not contributing in other ways? Maybe he's covering all their "going out" expenses or something else, maybe she uses his car, who knows. It doesn't impact your bills, which you were comfortable with when she was single or casually dating. I see this as 100% you trying to control your 25 yr olds' dating life b/c you don't like the BF. They may wind up married, who can know, but making her DEPENDENT on the relationship by cutting the living expenses by 50% only makes them staying together more likely. If you want to keep this relationship strong, really think carefully about how much you meddle and what strings you add to financial support. I see you as wanting to control an outcome that has nothing to really do with you, which is manipulation.

I agree with the other posters that if you were seeing grocery stores on the credit card bill and the food costs have doubled, that is totally fair game to discuss with her.

If you read the op closely, it sounds like the parents are seeing an increase in what they are paying. It sounds like maybe the dd is putting everything on a credit card that the parents are paying? It would be helpful if the op quantified the changes they are seeing, basically how much higher are the bills?

Either way, I think a smarter way to handle this is give the dd a set amount each month, and let her budget from there. Just paying her bills is not going to help when she hits the real world someday and has to manage her own money. It has the added advantage of stopping the boyfriend from freeloading on his gf's parents.

Anonymous wrote:OK i am SHOCKED at the consensus of the replies b/c I strongly disagree. Her rent has not changed...if you were cool playing the rent for a 25 year old, you can't pull it back to 50% b/c she has a BF/Roommate.

Do you know that he's not contributing in other ways? Maybe he's covering all their "going out" expenses or something else, maybe she uses his car, who knows. It doesn't impact your bills, which you were comfortable with when she was single or casually dating. I see this as 100% you trying to control your 25 yr olds' dating life b/c you don't like the BF. They may wind up married, who can know, but making her DEPENDENT on the relationship by cutting the living expenses by 50% only makes them staying together more likely. If you want to keep this relationship strong, really think carefully about how much you meddle and what strings you add to financial support. I see you as wanting to control an outcome that has nothing to really do with you, which is manipulation.

I agree with the other posters that if you were seeing grocery stores on the credit card bill and the food costs have doubled, that is totally fair game to discuss with her.

Did you read the OP?

"Maybe he's covering all their "going out" expenses"--OP stated that the boyfriend "goes out" without the daughter.

"They may wind up married" --Lol, this guy is never going to marry OP's daughter.

OK i am SHOCKED at the consensus of the replies b/c I strongly disagree. Her rent has not changed...if you were cool playing the rent for a 25 year old, you can't pull it back to 50% b/c she has a BF/Roommate.

Do you know that he's not contributing in other ways? Maybe he's covering all their "going out" expenses or something else, maybe she uses his car, who knows. It doesn't impact your bills, which you were comfortable with when she was single or casually dating. I see this as 100% you trying to control your 25 yr olds' dating life b/c you don't like the BF. They may wind up married, who can know, but making her DEPENDENT on the relationship by cutting the living expenses by 50% only makes them staying together more likely. If you want to keep this relationship strong, really think carefully about how much you meddle and what strings you add to financial support. I see you as wanting to control an outcome that has nothing to really do with you, which is manipulation.

I agree with the other posters that if you were seeing grocery stores on the credit card bill and the food costs have doubled, that is totally fair game to discuss with her.

Sounds like a wannabe Jamison Bachman found your daughter.

Anonymous wrote:This is the tough thing about financially supporting adult kids (particularly to the degree that they don't have to hustle and find roommates!). If you try to control her with money, it will cause conflict but I get why you don't want to foot the bill for an adult +1. I would either leave it or do a breezy, "so glad you found a roommate. Starting in April, we will cover 50% of rent since you found someone to split your bills with." I think the potential drawback of the latter is that if he is paying rent they are more tied together-classic high rent city scenario where you can't breakup because no one can afford the rent alone.

I would also say this.
I’m a big believer is not attaching strings but this is ridiculous.

Is there a difference in what you are paying now vs 4 months ago? If so, that is where you start. If you're footing the rent, that doesn't change with the boyfriend sleeping there.

If you're paying for other living expenses (food, entertainment, utilities) then cut whatever amount you're spending down to pre-boyfriend levels. Send her a check and she needs to cover it. When she comes up short, she'll need to solve the problem one way or another. Good practice for when she does need to support herself.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tread carefully. Give her space to come to her own conclusions about him.

This was my thought too. She’s a grown woman, and you are choosing to give her the money. Now you are attaching strings to it and trying to control her via your money.

I disagree. I posted a couple hours ago asking if the daughter's landlord knew the boyfriend is living there. If OP is paying all the bills, I'm assuming the daughter doesn't have sufficient income to qualify for rent, and OP is probably a co-signer on the apartment. If the daughter gets evicted for having an unauthorized tenant, how will that effect OP as a co-signer? Will OP have an eviction on her/his record?

I also disagree. There are no blank checks. If your employer only pays you if you work X hours and provide value, are they “attaching strings”? The daughter is the one who pulled a bait and switch on the parents. They committed to supporting her only. Now a new person pops up and they have no say as to whether they have to support him too? Manipulative behavior would be to withhold money because you disapprove of the BF or living arrangement. It isn’t manipulative to expect him to pay his own way. In fact, asking him to pay will see his true colors come out instead of enabling a freeloading useless guy.