Anonymous
03/06/2022 15:48
Subject: I have a real life “The Notebook” situation on my hands and I have no clue who to choose.
Anonymous wrote:Neither is the right fit. Break up with them both, go on online dating, and try to find someone else.
Being a stepmom is only worth it if you are super crazy about the guy, and it doesn’t sound like you are. Plus, I would only date someone with kids if you are at least forty five (after that age, it’s hard to find guys who don’t have them). I say this as someone who started dating someone with kids when I was forty two, I wish I’d waited longer than that. Being with someone with kids is a huge downside.
And the other relationship sounds unhealthy. So, sorry to say as I’m sure you are tired of dating, but move in from both.
I’m considering dating someone with a child. Can you explain why it was such a huge downside for you?
Anonymous
03/06/2022 15:46
Subject: I have a real life “The Notebook” situation on my hands and I have no clue who to choose.
Neither is the right fit. Break up with them both, go on online dating, and try to find someone else.
Being a stepmom is only worth it if you are super crazy about the guy, and it doesn’t sound like you are. Plus, I would only date someone with kids if you are at least forty five (after that age, it’s hard to find guys who don’t have them). I say this as someone who started dating someone with kids when I was forty two, I wish I’d waited longer than that. Being with someone with kids is a huge downside.
And the other relationship sounds unhealthy. So, sorry to say as I’m sure you are tired of dating, but move in from both.
Being a stepmom is only worth it if you are super crazy about the guy, and it doesn’t sound like you are. Plus, I would only date someone with kids if you are at least forty five (after that age, it’s hard to find guys who don’t have them). I say this as someone who started dating someone with kids when I was forty two, I wish I’d waited longer than that. Being with someone with kids is a huge downside.
And the other relationship sounds unhealthy. So, sorry to say as I’m sure you are tired of dating, but move in from both.
Anonymous
03/06/2022 15:41
Subject: I have a real life “The Notebook” situation on my hands and I have no clue who to choose.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Neither. Keep looking. Don’t settle.
If she wants someone who can bring her peace and she admittedly likes him, how is she settling?
She already says guy #1 is boring and isn't interested in being his kids stepmom. Yikes. That doesn't sound like someone in love.
I didn’t say he was boring. I said I can see myself getting bored with him sometimes but it could remedy that by nudging him to do some exciting things. Also, I never said I didn’t want to be her stepmom. I said I would never date a man with a child but I clearly liked him enough when we met to let that rule go. I did however say I was scare of being a stepmom because I’m not a parent myself and I’m afraid I’ll screw up.
I find it interesting that you are tending to defend how you described each relationship. Sorry but, you used the fact that you never wanted to be a step-mom as a negative to describe the relationship.
As someone who loves my husband and stepson, being a stepmom was a negative when we were dating. As others have said, it’s really REALLY hard. So yea, I can see why OP listed as a negative.
Oh, 100% agree with you. OP is disputing her own words when presented to her. That's all I am saying.
Anonymous
03/06/2022 15:34
Subject: I have a real life “The Notebook” situation on my hands and I have no clue who to choose.
If I had to go to therapy to make a relationship work, that relationship would be immediately over.
Anonymous
03/06/2022 15:30
Subject: I have a real life “The Notebook” situation on my hands and I have no clue who to choose.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Neither. Keep looking. Don’t settle.
If she wants someone who can bring her peace and she admittedly likes him, how is she settling?
She already says guy #1 is boring and isn't interested in being his kids stepmom. Yikes. That doesn't sound like someone in love.
I didn’t say he was boring. I said I can see myself getting bored with him sometimes but it could remedy that by nudging him to do some exciting things. Also, I never said I didn’t want to be her stepmom. I said I would never date a man with a child but I clearly liked him enough when we met to let that rule go. I did however say I was scare of being a stepmom because I’m not a parent myself and I’m afraid I’ll screw up.
I find it interesting that you are tending to defend how you described each relationship. Sorry but, you used the fact that you never wanted to be a step-mom as a negative to describe the relationship.
As someone who loves my husband and stepson, being a stepmom was a negative when we were dating. As others have said, it’s really REALLY hard. So yea, I can see why OP listed as a negative.
Anonymous
03/06/2022 15:28
Subject: I have a real life “The Notebook” situation on my hands and I have no clue who to choose.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Neither, OP. Neither.
...I can also talk from experience on stepparenting, as I too got a stepdaughter from this marriage. It has been HARD. Hard. Really really hard. Disagreements over how to handle some crises (DH wanted to ignore them, which led to escalating problems resulting in SD’s heroin addiction and alter incarceration) led to a gulf between us that will likely never be repaired. Read the book “Stepmonster” and consider it the best case scenario.
Also remember that his child’s mother will be part of your life forever, and a huge impact on your life for at least another 12-15 years. Are you signing up for that?
This. If you have a choice, do NOT choose the person who has children especially when you don't and want your own.
No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, no matter how much you try to step back, no matter what ... you will always, always, always have the "stink" of stepmom on you.
Even when they get older, even when they have kids of their own, even when it comes to caring for their elderly parent. You will never truly be a part of your spouses' life because they will always have that part that cannot and will not ever be part of yours.
Thank you for telling me that. I’m assuming you’re saying this from personal experience as a stepparent?
Anonymous
03/06/2022 15:26
Subject: I have a real life “The Notebook” situation on my hands and I have no clue who to choose.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Neither. Keep looking. Don’t settle.
If she wants someone who can bring her peace and she admittedly likes him, how is she settling?
She already says guy #1 is boring and isn't interested in being his kids stepmom. Yikes. That doesn't sound like someone in love.
I didn’t say he was boring. I said I can see myself getting bored with him sometimes but it could remedy that by nudging him to do some exciting things. Also, I never said I didn’t want to be her stepmom. I said I would never date a man with a child but I clearly liked him enough when we met to let that rule go. I did however say I was scare of being a stepmom because I’m not a parent myself and I’m afraid I’ll screw up.
I find it interesting that you are tending to defend how you described each relationship. Sorry but, you used the fact that you never wanted to be a step-mom as a negative to describe the relationship.
Anonymous
03/06/2022 15:10
Subject: I have a real life “The Notebook” situation on my hands and I have no clue who to choose.
Anonymous wrote:Neither, OP. Neither.
...I can also talk from experience on stepparenting, as I too got a stepdaughter from this marriage. It has been HARD. Hard. Really really hard. Disagreements over how to handle some crises (DH wanted to ignore them, which led to escalating problems resulting in SD’s heroin addiction and alter incarceration) led to a gulf between us that will likely never be repaired. Read the book “Stepmonster” and consider it the best case scenario.
Also remember that his child’s mother will be part of your life forever, and a huge impact on your life for at least another 12-15 years. Are you signing up for that?
This. If you have a choice, do NOT choose the person who has children especially when you don't and want your own.
No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, no matter how much you try to step back, no matter what ... you will always, always, always have the "stink" of stepmom on you.
Even when they get older, even when they have kids of their own, even when it comes to caring for their elderly parent. You will never truly be a part of your spouses' life because they will always have that part that cannot and will not ever be part of yours.
Anonymous
03/06/2022 14:49
Subject: Re:I have a real life “The Notebook” situation on my hands and I have no clue who to choose.
Your ex doesn’t sound like an Allie Noah situation (1940s teenagers separated by classist overbearing parents, and then physically distanced by a world war.) sounds like a volatile relationship that will not work long term. Love the one you’re with, in your case.
Anonymous
03/06/2022 14:34
Subject: I have a real life “The Notebook” situation on my hands and I have no clue who to choose.
I’ll start by saying The Notebook was one of the crappiest movies ever. If your life looks like that movie, you’re doing something wrong.
Neither sound like a good fit for you, unless you’re intent on making yourself unhappy. The ex is an ex for a reason, and you know this. For the current guy, read about how many women here are unhappy with their looked good on paper marriages. Think about if that’s what you want in a decade. Of course if you give that up, you’re taking a risk of being alone, and for many that’s even worse than being with someone they really liked on paper but not so much in real life.
Neither sound like a good fit for you, unless you’re intent on making yourself unhappy. The ex is an ex for a reason, and you know this. For the current guy, read about how many women here are unhappy with their looked good on paper marriages. Think about if that’s what you want in a decade. Of course if you give that up, you’re taking a risk of being alone, and for many that’s even worse than being with someone they really liked on paper but not so much in real life.
Anonymous
03/06/2022 14:03
Subject: Re:I have a real life “The Notebook” situation on my hands and I have no clue who to choose.
Neither.
If one of these was the guy for you, it’d be an easy decision.
If one of these was the guy for you, it’d be an easy decision.
Anonymous
03/06/2022 14:01
Subject: I have a real life “The Notebook” situation on my hands and I have no clue who to choose.
Neither. Too many red flags with the ex and your current deserves better.
Anonymous
03/06/2022 13:56
Subject: Re:I have a real life “The Notebook” situation on my hands and I have no clue who to choose.
Anonymous wrote:I had an ex try to come back too. I seriously considered it too. My biggest fear was loosing the great guy I was with to “try again” with my ex. I always felt our relationship was a lot of work and it shouldn’t be this hard. My ex offered an exciting relationship with lots of passion but in the end I needed someone I could trust and rely on. Leave your ex in the past and don’t look back. He reached out again cause he hasn’t found anyone new that puts up with his crap.
What happened with the great guy?
Anonymous
03/06/2022 13:49
Subject: I have a real life “The Notebook” situation on my hands and I have no clue who to choose.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Neither. Keep looking. Don’t settle.
If she wants someone who can bring her peace and she admittedly likes him, how is she settling?
She already says guy #1 is boring and isn't interested in being his kids stepmom. Yikes. That doesn't sound like someone in love.
I didn’t say he was boring. I said I can see myself getting bored with him sometimes but it could remedy that by nudging him to do some exciting things. Also, I never said I didn’t want to be her stepmom. I said I would never date a man with a child but I clearly liked him enough when we met to let that rule go. I did however say I was scare of being a stepmom because I’m not a parent myself and I’m afraid I’ll screw up.
If #2 is so great and you're in love with him.... why would you even contemplate #1? You know the drill already.
You can love two people at the same time. I’ve been there before. It’s a head versus heart thing.
I disagree on the head vs heart thing. OP broke up with #1 because they were a bad fit and he’s not good to her. #2 sounds like a great guy (although - OP if you haven’t met the daughter proceed with caution). I’m a mom, my husband is a step-dad, and it hasn’t been easy but he’s amazing with my kid and puts in a lot of effort.
The first guy has red flags all over him. I think OP should go to therapy to work this out.
I said head vs heart because guy #2 she really likes, he’s great on paper, and the more logical choice and guy #1 still has her heart but knows he’s not a good choice
Anonymous
03/06/2022 13:45
Subject: Re:I have a real life “The Notebook” situation on my hands and I have no clue who to choose.
I had an ex try to come back too. I seriously considered it too. My biggest fear was loosing the great guy I was with to “try again” with my ex. I always felt our relationship was a lot of work and it shouldn’t be this hard. My ex offered an exciting relationship with lots of passion but in the end I needed someone I could trust and rely on. Leave your ex in the past and don’t look back. He reached out again cause he hasn’t found anyone new that puts up with his crap.