Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t differentiate between your parents and your in laws. This baby is grandchild to both. Your husbands parents are going to be important to the baby, just as your parents will be. It’s not only your baby - it is also your husbands.

If you have a preemie, which is scary, the hospital will have rules for visitors and you’ll have to follow them as will everyone else.

Once you get home, try to be even handed about who gets to see the baby.

If they’ll need to stay, you don’t have to let them bunk at your house, they can get a hotel or Airbnb or something.

I used to think this way -- but it's really different because it's not just the baby, it's the mother recovering in very physically private areas and emotionally vulnerable. The relationship of he mother with her parents v in laws is just different, sorry.
- Mother of 4 (oldest is 16)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got pressured into driving halfway across the country with a three week old and if I had to do it again, I’d have waited until 6 weeks. It was too soon for me. The baby was okay but I wasn’t. And my ILs didn’t get this at all— it barely occurred to them that I was still recovering. They only cared about the baby and they wanted all their friends to come see her. They threw a big party with dozens of people even though I’d expressly asked them to keep things small for my sake. My MIL kept getting mad at me for “hogging” the baby (I was feeding her, plus holding her in those early days helped me with my PPD).

That visit did years off damage to my relationship with my ILs. I felt pressured to do it and then mistreated while I was there. I was still bleeding from childbirth and struggling with mental health. No one cared, they just wanted to look at the baby.

Do what feels right for YOU, OP. You are a new mom and need to take care of yourself. Especially if the people around you aren’t taking care of you.

I could have written something very similar, right down to the part about it damaging my relationship with my MIL to this day. She made everything about her becoming a grandmother to her first grandchild, and treated me as a nuisance who was standing in the way of her snuggling her grandson. At one point she said “not yet, I’m not ready” when I asked her to hand him back to me so I could feed him- I was recovering from a C section and still in the hospital , so getting up and taking him back was not a realistic option. We also drove 4 hours to visit them when i was 3 weeks post partum - from a c section- and she said at the end of our visit “I know this was probably very difficult for you physically but it was all worth it to me to have my grandson to myself all weekend.”

She also was cooing at him once and cooed “when you’re older and you hate your parents you can always come stay with grandma.”

When the second one came along I was wiser, and she knew it, and she walks on eggshells around me now. But it’s too late .

PP here and hard relate to ALL of this. My MIL was so rude to me our entire visit and it was incredibly hurtful. Obviously heightened due to hormones, but even that was treated in such an unkind way ("oh she's just hormonal, her feelings don't matter"). And yes, she really seemed to think everything was about her and only her, and she was obsessed with the idea of getting to be alone with the baby.

At one point she suggested my DH and I leave for an overnight date in a neighboring town so that she could take care of the baby on her own. I was a bit confused at first, thinking she was talking about a future visit (in which case that would have been a kind offer). But she meant during that visit. Again, I was 3 weeks post partum, still bleeding, hormonal as hell, and dealing with what at the time we thought were baby blues but turned out later to be PPD. I was not up for a couples retreat. I told her, gently, that at this stage it was hard for me to be away from the baby for more than an hour or so at a time because I was still figuring out breastfeeding/pumping and it was just easier to be nearby while we sorted through that. MIL took this to mean I didn't trust her with the baby and was trying to keep them apart. She pouted for the rest of the trip about this -- mad because we wouldn't leave her alone with the baby for a 24 hour period that apparently I was supposed to spend sitting in a hotel room pumping milk and crying so that she could have more 1:1 time with her newborn grandchild.

And people said I was the hormonal one. Ffs.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got pressured into driving halfway across the country with a three week old and if I had to do it again, I’d have waited until 6 weeks. It was too soon for me. The baby was okay but I wasn’t. And my ILs didn’t get this at all— it barely occurred to them that I was still recovering. They only cared about the baby and they wanted all their friends to come see her. They threw a big party with dozens of people even though I’d expressly asked them to keep things small for my sake. My MIL kept getting mad at me for “hogging” the baby (I was feeding her, plus holding her in those early days helped me with my PPD).

That visit did years off damage to my relationship with my ILs. I felt pressured to do it and then mistreated while I was there. I was still bleeding from childbirth and struggling with mental health. No one cared, they just wanted to look at the baby.

Do what feels right for YOU, OP. You are a new mom and need to take care of yourself. Especially if the people around you aren’t taking care of you.

I could have written something very similar, right down to the part about it damaging my relationship with my MIL to this day. She made everything about her becoming a grandmother to her first grandchild, and treated me as a nuisance who was standing in the way of her snuggling her grandson. At one point she said “not yet, I’m not ready” when I asked her to hand him back to me so I could feed him- I was recovering from a C section and still in the hospital , so getting up and taking him back was not a realistic option. We also drove 4 hours to visit them when i was 3 weeks post partum - from a c section- and she said at the end of our visit “I know this was probably very difficult for you physically but it was all worth it to me to have my grandson to myself all weekend.”

She also was cooing at him once and cooed “when you’re older and you hate your parents you can always come stay with grandma.”

When the second one came along I was wiser, and she knew it, and she walks on eggshells around me now. But it’s too late .

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pre-Covid, my MIL was at the hospital and popping in during my labor. HUGE MISTAKE. Then my FIL gave the baby a cold on her first day home which sent her back to the hospital. It caused a lot of problems between DH and myself and I get mad at myself every time I think of it. I just felt so bullied and inconsequential.

This baby, everyone is going to wait a full month before I let them see the baby (and after PCR Covid tests).

yikes!!! How stressful!!!

It was truly awful. An Asian woman told me that in their culture they wait 40 days before allowing anyone to see the newborn. Sounds good to me!

I wonder if the Asian woman was Indian?

I had my baby in this country and my mom came to help me. She was aghast at the lack of care for new mom and baby that she saw here as compared to what she was used to. Once we were home, she made sure that baby and I were under strict isolation and basically the house was in a lockdown. This was pre-pandemic.

I was given special diet, special drinks to increase milk supply. Every day, mom gave my baby and I medicinal oil massages to heal the bones, relax the muscles and build up stamina. The only bad part was that as part of this tradition, I had to follow strict rules about only drinking special warm water or beverages, to be fully covered and keep warm, and stay in a warmish room. Apart from that, my only job was to nurse the baby and sleep. For 40 days, my DH and mom - cleaned, cooked, did laundry, grocery and took care of the baby (diaper change, burping, holding the baby...etc, etc). I have realized that this was a needed time. DH was a trooper and he lined up as much help and outsourcing that he could get.

At the end of the 40 days, we had a religious ceremony with invited guests, to welcome the baby and to introduce the baby to the world. Everyone got to see the baby, were served a sumptuous meal (catered!), and after giving their blessings everyone went back home. I felt that everything was ok with the world.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pre-Covid, my MIL was at the hospital and popping in during my labor. HUGE MISTAKE. Then my FIL gave the baby a cold on her first day home which sent her back to the hospital. It caused a lot of problems between DH and myself and I get mad at myself every time I think of it. I just felt so bullied and inconsequential.

This baby, everyone is going to wait a full month before I let them see the baby (and after PCR Covid tests).

yikes!!! How stressful!!!

It was truly awful. An Asian woman told me that in their culture they wait 40 days before allowing anyone to see the newborn. Sounds good to me!

I wonder if the Asian woman was Indian?

I had my baby in this country and my mom came to help me. She was aghast at the lack of care for new mom and baby that she saw here as compared to what she was used to. Once we were home, she made sure that baby and I were under strict isolation and basically the house was in a lockdown. This was pre-pandemic.

I was given special diet, special drinks to increase milk supply. Every day, mom gave my baby and I medicinal oil massages to heal the bones, relax the muscles and build up stamina. The only bad part was that as part of this tradition, I had to follow strict rules about only drinking special warm water or beverages, to be fully covered and keep warm, and stay in a warmish room. Apart from that, my only job was to nurse the baby and sleep. For 40 days, my DH and mom - cleaned, cooked, did laundry, grocery and took care of the baby (diaper change, burping, holding the baby...etc, etc). I have realized that this was a needed time. DH was a trooper and he lined up as much help and outsourcing that he could get.

At the end of the 40 days, we had a religious ceremony with invited guests, to welcome the baby and to introduce the baby to the world. Everyone got to see the baby, were served a sumptuous meal (catered!), and after giving their blessings everyone went back home. I felt that everything was ok with the world.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t differentiate between your parents and your in laws. This baby is grandchild to both. Your husbands parents are going to be important to the baby, just as your parents will be. It’s not only your baby - it is also your husbands.

If you have a preemie, which is scary, the hospital will have rules for visitors and you’ll have to follow them as will everyone else.

Once you get home, try to be even handed about who gets to see the baby.

If they’ll need to stay, you don’t have to let them bunk at your house, they can get a hotel or Airbnb or something.

??? Of course the parents of the person giving birth and having a major medical event should be differentiated from ILs. Post-birth is about the support for the mother. Baby doesn't care if ILs are there or not. To pretend the patient's parents & their ILs are the same is idiotic.

The real answer is 'whenever the mother feels up for it/mother's preference + it is safe for the health (including mental health) of the mother and baby per MDO's orders/recommendations".

Anonymous wrote:Don’t differentiate between your parents and your in laws. This baby is grandchild to both. Your husbands parents are going to be important to the baby, just as your parents will be. It’s not only your baby - it is also your husbands.

If you have a preemie, which is scary, the hospital will have rules for visitors and you’ll have to follow them as will everyone else.

Once you get home, try to be even handed about who gets to see the baby.

If they’ll need to stay, you don’t have to let them bunk at your house, they can get a hotel or Airbnb or something.

Anonymous wrote:I got pressured into driving halfway across the country with a three week old and if I had to do it again, I’d have waited until 6 weeks. It was too soon for me. The baby was okay but I wasn’t. And my ILs didn’t get this at all— it barely occurred to them that I was still recovering. They only cared about the baby and they wanted all their friends to come see her. They threw a big party with dozens of people even though I’d expressly asked them to keep things small for my sake. My MIL kept getting mad at me for “hogging” the baby (I was feeding her, plus holding her in those early days helped me with my PPD).

That visit did years off damage to my relationship with my ILs. I felt pressured to do it and then mistreated while I was there. I was still bleeding from childbirth and struggling with mental health. No one cared, they just wanted to look at the baby.

Do what feels right for YOU, OP. You are a new mom and need to take care of yourself. Especially if the people around you aren’t taking care of you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pre-Covid, my MIL was at the hospital and popping in during my labor. HUGE MISTAKE. Then my FIL gave the baby a cold on her first day home which sent her back to the hospital. It caused a lot of problems between DH and myself and I get mad at myself every time I think of it. I just felt so bullied and inconsequential.

This baby, everyone is going to wait a full month before I let them see the baby (and after PCR Covid tests).

yikes!!! How stressful!!!

It was truly awful. An Asian woman told me that in their culture they wait 40 days before allowing anyone to see the newborn. Sounds good to me!

I wonder if the Asian woman was Indian?

I had my baby in this country and my mom came to help me. She was aghast at the lack of care for new mom and baby that she saw here as compared to what she was used to. Once we were home, she made sure that baby and I were under strict isolation and basically the house was in a lockdown. This was pre-pandemic.

I was given special diet, special drinks to increase milk supply. Every day, mom gave my baby and I medicinal oil massages to heal the bones, relax the muscles and build up stamina. The only bad part was that as part of this tradition, I had to follow strict rules about only drinking special warm water or beverages, to be fully covered and keep warm, and stay in a warmish room. Apart from that, my only job was to nurse the baby and sleep. For 40 days, my DH and mom - cleaned, cooked, did laundry, grocery and took care of the baby (diaper change, burping, holding the baby...etc, etc). I have realized that this was a needed time. DH was a trooper and he lined up as much help and outsourcing that he could get.

At the end of the 40 days, we had a religious ceremony with invited guests, to welcome the baby and to introduce the baby to the world. Everyone got to see the baby, were served a sumptuous meal (catered!), and after giving their blessings everyone went back home. I felt that everything was ok with the world.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pre-Covid, my MIL was at the hospital and popping in during my labor. HUGE MISTAKE. Then my FIL gave the baby a cold on her first day home which sent her back to the hospital. It caused a lot of problems between DH and myself and I get mad at myself every time I think of it. I just felt so bullied and inconsequential.

This baby, everyone is going to wait a full month before I let them see the baby (and after PCR Covid tests).

yikes!!! How stressful!!!

It was truly awful. An Asian woman told me that in their culture they wait 40 days before allowing anyone to see the newborn. Sounds good to me!

I wonder if the Asian woman was Indian?

I had my baby in this country and my mom came to help me. She was aghast at the lack of care for new mom and baby that she saw here as compared to what she was used to. Once we were home, she made sure that baby and I were under strict isolation and basically the house was in a lockdown. This was pre-pandemic.

I was given special diet, special drinks to increase milk supply. Every day, mom gave my baby and I medicinal oil massages to heal the bones, relax the muscles and build up stamina. The only bad part was that as part of this tradition, I had to follow strict rules about only drinking special warm water or beverages, to be fully covered and keep warm, and stay in a warmish room. Apart from that, my only job was to nurse the baby and sleep. For 40 days, my DH and mom - cleaned, cooked, did laundry, grocery and took care of the baby (diaper change, burping, holding the baby...etc, etc). I have realized that this was a needed time. DH was a trooper and he lined up as much help and outsourcing that he could get.

At the end of the 40 days, we had a religious ceremony with invited guests, to welcome the baby and to introduce the baby to the world. Everyone got to see the baby, were served a sumptuous meal (catered!), and after giving their blessings everyone went back home. I felt that everything was ok with the world.

Anonymous wrote:Some PPs are missing an important part of OP's post.

Her IL's are asking/expecting her to travel across the country with her newborn as soon as possible after giving birth.

Many of you are talking about when grandparents saw your baby when they lived nearby, or traveled to see you. This is not the case in all families. I posted upthread about feeling pressured to travel a long distance to introduce my new baby to my ILs, and then having my needs and requests ignored during that visit where I wasn't in my own house and had less control over my surroundings.

When grandparents are unable or unwilling to travel to see a new baby, they need to accept that this means they may not see the baby for a while and they need to come to terms with that. Sometimes the reasons are totally understandable (health, age) and it's unfortunate. But it is not right to expect a new parent, and especially not a new mom who is still recovering from childbirth, learning to breastfeed, and dealing with massive hormone and mood shifts, to jumping in a car or on a plane to bring your grandchild to you. It is just unkind. A new mom and baby are in an emotionally and physically vulnerable state. Too often grandparents ignore that because of their excitement about the new baby, and THEY need to consider how their demands will impact their longterm relationship with their daughter, DIL, and grandchild. Seeing a newborn is special but it is not more important than providing support and respect to the newborn's primary caregivers. Sometimes the best way to love your grandchild is to be respectful of their mother's well being. Not all grandparents understand this, to their own detriment.