I have similar age gaps. I have 11 and 5 yr old girls. They actually share a room too. And a 10 yr old boy. The girls get along great for the most part. But my oldest is super independent and really doesn’t crave parental attention. She is great with little sister and they play well together (until DD has a friend over). I think a lot of this isn’t anything you are doing wrong, it just is the personality/needs of your oldest. But she is who she is. I get not wanting to have to divide and conquer on weekends, I like family time too, all together.

One way I connect with the oldest is when she has music lessons weekly or a sports competition, I get a babysitter. That way just she and I can chat in the car during the drive, sometimes I’ll stop in a coffee shop with her for a quick minute to get a snack, we chat during her breaks. And I’m not distracted trying to entertain the 5 yr old. She never asks me to do this, but I feel better giving her a little 1:1 time.

My middle child is the more emotional needy one. For him, after I read and tuck the 5 yr old in, I spend a good 30 min reading to him. He really enjoys it and it usually turns into a long late night conversation about something on his mind as well. Luckily my oldest is ok with this and perfectly happy with her nightlight and book in her own bed.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have two girls - older DD was a few months shy of turning 6 when younger DD was born. Older DD adored her little sister from the moment she was born, and it hasn't changed 3 years later. DH and I also both work full time.

What we do differently than you, OP, is we totally embrace divide and conquer. We carve out sometimes that we all spend as a family -- weeknight family dinners, brunches on weekends, outings like a hike, stuff like that. But a very substantial amount of our time is one parent with one kid. Everyone is happier -- the interactions and the outings are all more fun. I don't even understand why folks are resistant to it.

We have the same approach for our two boys (5.5 years apart), and it’s worked well. My sister and I are almost six years apart, and this is what my parents did with us, too.

DP here. Because I don’t want to spend that much time apart from my husband.

Is this a joke? You can easily have an hour or two a night with your DH after the kids go to bed. And hire a babysitter every weekend for date night. How much more time do you need?

NP, but that’s absolutely not a joke. I didn’t want to spend that much time away from my kid or spouse. Doing things all together is fun and what family is really about to us. Not an exhausted hour in the evening and date night. Evenings and weekends spending time together. I grew up with a big age gap and didn’t want divide and conquer parenting for my family. That’s why we stopped trying after the age gap got too big (6+ years) due to secondary infertility. If it works for you, that’s fine. But some of us want a different dynamic for our families and that’s okay too.

It’s weird that you made your child an only bc you didn’t want to attend a few soccer games apart from your husband, but w/e.

The divide and conquer approach still allows for plenty of time together. All meals, game nights, movie nights, outings and vacations etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have two girls - older DD was a few months shy of turning 6 when younger DD was born. Older DD adored her little sister from the moment she was born, and it hasn't changed 3 years later. DH and I also both work full time.

What we do differently than you, OP, is we totally embrace divide and conquer. We carve out sometimes that we all spend as a family -- weeknight family dinners, brunches on weekends, outings like a hike, stuff like that. But a very substantial amount of our time is one parent with one kid. Everyone is happier -- the interactions and the outings are all more fun. I don't even understand why folks are resistant to it.

We have the same approach for our two boys (5.5 years apart), and it’s worked well. My sister and I are almost six years apart, and this is what my parents did with us, too.

DP here. Because I don’t want to spend that much time apart from my husband.

Is this a joke? You can easily have an hour or two a night with your DH after the kids go to bed. And hire a babysitter every weekend for date night. How much more time do you need?

NP, but that’s absolutely not a joke. I didn’t want to spend that much time away from my kid or spouse. Doing things all together is fun and what family is really about to us. Not an exhausted hour in the evening and date night. Evenings and weekends spending time together. I grew up with a big age gap and didn’t want divide and conquer parenting for my family. That’s why we stopped trying after the age gap got too big (6+ years) due to secondary infertility. If it works for you, that’s fine. But some of us want a different dynamic for our families and that’s okay too.

DP. It’s okay if the kids are okay.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have two girls - older DD was a few months shy of turning 6 when younger DD was born. Older DD adored her little sister from the moment she was born, and it hasn't changed 3 years later. DH and I also both work full time.

What we do differently than you, OP, is we totally embrace divide and conquer. We carve out sometimes that we all spend as a family -- weeknight family dinners, brunches on weekends, outings like a hike, stuff like that. But a very substantial amount of our time is one parent with one kid. Everyone is happier -- the interactions and the outings are all more fun. I don't even understand why folks are resistant to it.

We have the same approach for our two boys (5.5 years apart), and it’s worked well. My sister and I are almost six years apart, and this is what my parents did with us, too.

DP here. Because I don’t want to spend that much time apart from my husband.

Is this a joke? You can easily have an hour or two a night with your DH after the kids go to bed. And hire a babysitter every weekend for date night. How much more time do you need?

NP, but that’s absolutely not a joke. I didn’t want to spend that much time away from my kid or spouse. Doing things all together is fun and what family is really about to us. Not an exhausted hour in the evening and date night. Evenings and weekends spending time together. I grew up with a big age gap and didn’t want divide and conquer parenting for my family. That’s why we stopped trying after the age gap got too big (6+ years) due to secondary infertility. If it works for you, that’s fine. But some of us want a different dynamic for our families and that’s okay too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have two girls - older DD was a few months shy of turning 6 when younger DD was born. Older DD adored her little sister from the moment she was born, and it hasn't changed 3 years later. DH and I also both work full time.

What we do differently than you, OP, is we totally embrace divide and conquer. We carve out sometimes that we all spend as a family -- weeknight family dinners, brunches on weekends, outings like a hike, stuff like that. But a very substantial amount of our time is one parent with one kid. Everyone is happier -- the interactions and the outings are all more fun. I don't even understand why folks are resistant to it.

We have the same approach for our two boys (5.5 years apart), and it’s worked well. My sister and I are almost six years apart, and this is what my parents did with us, too.

DP here. Because I don’t want to spend that much time apart from my husband.

Is this a joke? You can easily have an hour or two a night with your DH after the kids go to bed. And hire a babysitter every weekend for date night. How much more time do you need?

I would end electronic time at 7:30. You'll have an extra 90 minutes every day of quality time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have two girls - older DD was a few months shy of turning 6 when younger DD was born. Older DD adored her little sister from the moment she was born, and it hasn't changed 3 years later. DH and I also both work full time.

What we do differently than you, OP, is we totally embrace divide and conquer. We carve out sometimes that we all spend as a family -- weeknight family dinners, brunches on weekends, outings like a hike, stuff like that. But a very substantial amount of our time is one parent with one kid. Everyone is happier -- the interactions and the outings are all more fun. I don't even understand why folks are resistant to it.

We have the same approach for our two boys (5.5 years apart), and it’s worked well. My sister and I are almost six years apart, and this is what my parents did with us, too.

DP here. Because I don’t want to spend that much time apart from my husband.

Anonymous wrote:I have 3 kids (DD8, DD6 and DS3). The older girls are annoyed often with their little brother so we limit the time that we let them hangout alone doing what the boy wants to 1 hour Sat morning and 2 hours Sun morning. After that, we do activities for the older girls or we stay at home, but older girls play together, draw, watch movies without little brother interrupting them.

I think your DD1 needs to see that you value what makes her upset and do not always excuse her little sister. DD2 should not be bothering her older sister, she should not be allowed to go through her things, etc. Sit down with your older DD and ask what would make her happy and make sure to put more effort into those things.
Also, make sure you make a big deal about the time you spend together. We call it “special time” and all kids get it with one of us.

Finally, numbers are low now. If you really don’t want to risk exposing your you get girl, you need to divide and conquer a little more.

+1

I have 3 kids (DD8, DD6 and DS3). The older girls are annoyed often with their little brother so we limit the time that we let them hangout alone doing what the boy wants to 1 hour Sat morning and 2 hours Sun morning. After that, we do activities for the older girls or we stay at home, but older girls play together, draw, watch movies without little brother interrupting them.

I think your DD1 needs to see that you value what makes her upset and do not always excuse her little sister. DD2 should not be bothering her older sister, she should not be allowed to go through her things, etc. Sit down with your older DD and ask what would make her happy and make sure to put more effort into those things.
Also, make sure you make a big deal about the time you spend together. We call it “special time” and all kids get it with one of us.

Finally, numbers are low now. If you really don’t want to risk exposing your you get girl, you need to divide and conquer a little more.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she not interested in helping with her sister at all?

Its not her responsibility to be a mini-parent.

In my household all the kids do age-appropriate chores and helping younger kids certainly is on the list.

LOL! This is what Duggars do. They want older kids to become babysitters.

Anyways, I don't think OP will care that her child is sad.

+1

There is 4 years between my older 2 and 8/12 years respectively between them and the youngest. It sounds like to me you are spending 1/1 time with the oldest every evening and on saturday mornings. It sounds like your dd is choosing to spend those hours doing things other than interacting with parents and then complaining she isn't getting enough time and whining to Gma about it. That's emotional blackmail. We both work as well and there really isn't enough time in the day to do everything you want. It's ok to take the little to do something outside of her skill level to make the older dd happy, but that also works in reverse.
My little says she wants to do X with us but then sits there and procrastinates getting ready, watches tv, doesn't help do what needs to be finished before we can leave and then will complain "we don't do anything together". The reality is if she can't make it priority to do what's expected to help make happen so we can do what she wants, it is not a priority to stop what I need to do, to make it happen either.

Anonymous wrote:I have two girls - older DD was a few months shy of turning 6 when younger DD was born. Older DD adored her little sister from the moment she was born, and it hasn't changed 3 years later. DH and I also both work full time.

What we do differently than you, OP, is we totally embrace divide and conquer. We carve out sometimes that we all spend as a family -- weeknight family dinners, brunches on weekends, outings like a hike, stuff like that. But a very substantial amount of our time is one parent with one kid. Everyone is happier -- the interactions and the outings are all more fun. I don't even understand why folks are resistant to it.

We have the same approach for our two boys (5.5 years apart), and it’s worked well. My sister and I are almost six years apart, and this is what my parents did with us, too.

I mean...she has a sibling. She isn't going to get 1:1 time with BOTH of you unless you get a baby sitter.

I think you focus on what you can actually fix reasonably - keep the 4 yo out out of her stuff, and stop doing baby activities.

Come up with something fun that you guys can do without the 4 year old on Saturday during class time. Cake decorating, rock climbing, whatever she might be interested in.

Anonymous wrote:It’s fine to give kids some one on one time, but why is she expecting alone time with both parents focused on her? I am the third kid of five, and the only time we got this was once a year around our birthday, both parents took the kid out to eat alone. We did not feel deprived or think the family life should center around us. A family needs to factor in everyone’s needs. One kid should not get all or most of the focus.

This.

Maybe you just need to have more play dates, OP.
I don’t even think my 10 year old would want a lot of time with her dad and I just focused on her.

Anonymous wrote:Sound like emotional manipulation. I wouldn't bow to it.

I wouldn’t phrase it as manipulation, but I wouldn’t stress about it either, OP.

Just ask your daughter what she was talking about. She may have just been frustrated at a fight that resolved in her sibling’s favor.