Anonymous
Post 03/01/2022 12:42     Subject: Does any new mom get to spend time with her husband?
Anonymous wrote:You’re not missing anything.

The first few months after a baby is born couples are usually in survival mode. Nobody is having date night at 4 weeks postpartum.



Unless you are my neighbor who goes out every weekend leaving her nearly half dozen kids with the nanny, including going out last Friday night leaving her 2 week old newborn. But hey, her 1 year old and other small kids don’t need a mom when you’ve got the hired help doing all the parenting.
Anonymous
Post 03/01/2022 11:41     Subject: Re:Does any new mom get to spend time with her husband?
As has been said: you are in the thick of it, OP. It will get better

I didn’t have twins but I did have a premie and they are different creatures than full term babies. Keep your sleep schedule. I also had the 9p-2a sleep shift and it was the most important 5 hours of my life. Guard that time! The night wakings of my premie lasted months longer my full term baby and you need that sleep.

I understand missing your husband. Give it a little time more time to see if the schedule shifts enough to allow some quiet time together. Start dreaming together about a future dinner out. Where would you like to go? What would you order? Maybe in a few months you can actually get away for a few hours! In the meantime, try to show your love and gratitude through little things. Show extra kindness and patience. Leave a note for him to find when he does his night feedings. Bake his favorite dessert. Your relationship looks different now, but it can grow stronger through this.

Congrats on the babies!
Anonymous
Post 03/01/2022 09:23     Subject: Does any new mom get to spend time with her husband?
You’re not missing anything.

The first few months after a baby is born couples are usually in survival mode. Nobody is having date night at 4 weeks postpartum.

Anonymous
Post 03/01/2022 09:20     Subject: Re:Does any new mom get to spend time with her husband?
One of my dearest memories dates from when my niece was five months old. My sister and her husband decided to take a break for a week or two after Christmas, and asked if I would look after their tiny daughter. They were planning an island vacation someplace warm. I was so happy and proud! I think there was a part-time nanny. and we fought over who would feed the baby. It was the very dead of winter, so there was very little else to do, except feed the baby, keep her warm, and sleep.

So OP faces more of a challenge as she has two babies, but maybe there’s a relative or close friend who might be willing to help by providing a break?
Anonymous
Post 03/01/2022 08:19     Subject: Does any new mom get to spend time with her husband?
I only had one baby at a time, but I'd see dh from 5pm until midnight. I couldn't get my babies to sleep soundly until 11pm or midnight. They'd need to be held or rocked in the family room and he'd hang out with me.

Your schedule will get better soon 6-8 weeks is when they turn a corner. Are you not going to sleep and then just waking up every 3 hours to feed both babies and then going back down? You're up permanently from 2am on?
Anonymous
Post 03/01/2022 08:15     Subject: Does any new mom get to spend time with her husband?
It’s called hiring help (i.e. overnight nurse, nanny, etc) so you can get a break occasionally or asking family to step in occasionally.

Also twins is a double whammy.
Anonymous
Post 03/01/2022 07:41     Subject: Does any new mom get to spend time with her husband?
Anonymous wrote:1 month is still in the thick of the postpartum crappiness. That being said, marriage is absolutely important to prioritize even in the infant stage. Tackle sleep first and the other stuff will get easier. Look at twin-specific advice but basically start a dark-room, quiet but not silent, nighttime routine early on. Be really boring at night so you are not stimulating them. Use baths as a calming nighttime cue. Pause 30sec before responding. etc. Don't prioritize nursing -- put sleep first.

Also this will be unpopular but my DH and I never slept in shifts. We both got up for night feedings and were "in it together." (I was a SAHM at the time and he took paternity leave for a few weeks so that helped. And we had ONE good sleeper. So YMMV)

I would advise you 1) nudge your kids in the direction of good sleep habits and 2) find a sitter (or cleaner etc. for chores) to help out. Ask for friend recs, look at nanny agencies or care.com.

I love getting coffee with my DH so I totally get you, OP, and I think it's absolutely wonderful that you are prioritizing the health of your marriage. Keep it up.


Also consider a night nanny. I had family help so I used that but I would have hired a night nanny if I needed to.
Anonymous
Post 03/01/2022 07:39     Subject: Does any new mom get to spend time with her husband?
1 month is still in the thick of the postpartum crappiness. That being said, marriage is absolutely important to prioritize even in the infant stage. Tackle sleep first and the other stuff will get easier. Look at twin-specific advice but basically start a dark-room, quiet but not silent, nighttime routine early on. Be really boring at night so you are not stimulating them. Use baths as a calming nighttime cue. Pause 30sec before responding. etc. Don't prioritize nursing -- put sleep first.

Also this will be unpopular but my DH and I never slept in shifts. We both got up for night feedings and were "in it together." (I was a SAHM at the time and he took paternity leave for a few weeks so that helped. And we had ONE good sleeper. So YMMV)

I would advise you 1) nudge your kids in the direction of good sleep habits and 2) find a sitter (or cleaner etc. for chores) to help out. Ask for friend recs, look at nanny agencies or care.com.

I love getting coffee with my DH so I totally get you, OP, and I think it's absolutely wonderful that you are prioritizing the health of your marriage. Keep it up.
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2022 20:13     Subject: Does any new mom get to spend time with her husband?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This is why we need parental leave for all. Minimum 3 months. Sorry, OP, this is the hardest time but it will get easier.


No we don’t. Twins are en entirely different animal. One person taking care of a baby is plenty.


Hi. You suck.


Are you 17? That's teen language.
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2022 18:02     Subject: Does any new mom get to spend time with her husband?
Anonymous wrote:Hire someone for errands and anything else you can outsource. Nobody understands the pressure of preemie twins if you haven't been there. I have. I regret not finding more help and almost lost it mentally and physically. You have a long road ahead, this is not the time to save money. Good luck, twins are fun long term, but I wouldn't go back to the first 2 years for anything.


OP here, yeah I guess this must be true. I think I may have derailed the thread by mentioning that I had preemie twins, because I was sort of just wondering if all couples who have a kid never see each other, but it seems like maybe our situation is sort of unique. It is very tough, which is why I miss my only true support system, my husband, so badly. Glad to know that it gets better eventually, even if a long while from now
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2022 18:01     Subject: Does any new mom get to spend time with her husband?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I’m struggling so, so badly with this. I had twins a month ago and my husband and I have worked out a schedule of sorts where I sleep from 9PM-2AM and he sleeps from 2AM to whenever he has to get up for work. His job has him working so that he’s not available to watch the twins until around 7PM and I use that time before I go to sleep to run and take a quick shower or change the laundry, dishes, whatever. So those are the weekdays, but we don’t get to spend much time together on the weekends, either! He’s exhausted so he ends up sleeping in until about 11AM and I need coffee way before then being up at 2AM (having coffee together is our thing), and then we don’t eat any meals together bc we aren’t hungry at the same times with these new wacky schedules. Plus he runs errands etc on Sat and Sun so is out of the house a bunch (doing essential things, but still). Ok so that was probably way too much detail, but what am I missing here? Do other couples just never see each other or even eat a quick meal together when they have babies? That can’t be, right? I miss my husband terribly, so I’m wondering what others might be doing. We don’t have any local family and haven’t hired help (yet). Thoughts or suggestions?


You knew for months that you were having twins. There are classes for multiples, too bad you didn't you and your DH didn't take one. You have two babies now and they take preceence over your husband.


A healthy, nurtured marriage is so important for a child’s well-being, so this is terrible advice.


Hi this is OP. Are you saying that my husband is not being understanding? I don’t know where you’re getting that from, my post is about how we can get a little more time together, even if it’s while caring for the babies, because we love each other. Strange take, lol.

A healthy, nurtured baby doesn’t get that way on its own. While a mother is taking care of a baby, an understanding husband is important for a marriage.
The PP is nothing short of wrong.
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2022 17:19     Subject: Does any new mom get to spend time with her husband?
Hire someone for errands and anything else you can outsource. Nobody understands the pressure of preemie twins if you haven't been there. I have. I regret not finding more help and almost lost it mentally and physically. You have a long road ahead, this is not the time to save money. Good luck, twins are fun long term, but I wouldn't go back to the first 2 years for anything.
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2022 17:13     Subject: Does any new mom get to spend time with her husband?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I’m struggling so, so badly with this. I had twins a month ago and my husband and I have worked out a schedule of sorts where I sleep from 9PM-2AM and he sleeps from 2AM to whenever he has to get up for work. His job has him working so that he’s not available to watch the twins until around 7PM and I use that time before I go to sleep to run and take a quick shower or change the laundry, dishes, whatever. So those are the weekdays, but we don’t get to spend much time together on the weekends, either! He’s exhausted so he ends up sleeping in until about 11AM and I need coffee way before then being up at 2AM (having coffee together is our thing), and then we don’t eat any meals together bc we aren’t hungry at the same times with these new wacky schedules. Plus he runs errands etc on Sat and Sun so is out of the house a bunch (doing essential things, but still). Ok so that was probably way too much detail, but what am I missing here? Do other couples just never see each other or even eat a quick meal together when they have babies? That can’t be, right? I miss my husband terribly, so I’m wondering what others might be doing. We don’t have any local family and haven’t hired help (yet). Thoughts or suggestions?


You knew for months that you were having twins. There are classes for multiples, too bad you didn't you and your DH didn't take one. You have two babies now and they take preceence over your husband.


A healthy, nurtured marriage is so important for a child’s well-being, so this is terrible advice.


A healthy, nurtured baby doesn’t get that way on its own. While a mother is taking care of a baby, an understanding husband is important for a marriage.
The PP is nothing short of wrong.
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2022 17:04     Subject: Does any new mom get to spend time with her husband?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I’m struggling so, so badly with this. I had twins a month ago and my husband and I have worked out a schedule of sorts where I sleep from 9PM-2AM and he sleeps from 2AM to whenever he has to get up for work. His job has him working so that he’s not available to watch the twins until around 7PM and I use that time before I go to sleep to run and take a quick shower or change the laundry, dishes, whatever. So those are the weekdays, but we don’t get to spend much time together on the weekends, either! He’s exhausted so he ends up sleeping in until about 11AM and I need coffee way before then being up at 2AM (having coffee together is our thing), and then we don’t eat any meals together bc we aren’t hungry at the same times with these new wacky schedules. Plus he runs errands etc on Sat and Sun so is out of the house a bunch (doing essential things, but still). Ok so that was probably way too much detail, but what am I missing here? Do other couples just never see each other or even eat a quick meal together when they have babies? That can’t be, right? I miss my husband terribly, so I’m wondering what others might be doing. We don’t have any local family and haven’t hired help (yet). Thoughts or suggestions?


You knew for months that you were having twins. There are classes for multiples, too bad you didn't you and your DH didn't take one. You have two babies now and they take preceence over your husband.


A healthy, nurtured marriage is so important for a child’s well-being, so this is terrible advice.


Yeah I don’t know what’s with some of the trolls out here.
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2022 17:03     Subject: Re:Does any new mom get to spend time with her husband?
Anonymous wrote:If you had twins a month ago, anything short of being sure you should divorce is commendable. Don’t worry about it until 6 months at least.


This is what I’m thinking! Lol. If you aren’t about to murder him you’re doing great.