Op here. So, I came over to my in laws house on Friday. FIL does need some help taking out the dog and a little with cooking as he has slowed down due to Parkinson’s. Friday, we had dinner and went to bed. I am still recovering from my own abdominal surgery so my belly was a little sore and I went to bed quickly after dinner. They set up SIL’s old room for us and the mattress is so uncomfortable. I complained about how I missed sleeping in my bed and now my husband is mad at me. He says I’ve been a nuisance and don’t understand that he is trying to be a good person and help his dad.

I’m upset because instead of appreciating my company, he is angry at me for understandably being a little uncomfortable at his parents house.

Talk about ungrateful.

OP, tell them you’re going to be unavailable because you’re looking into elder care options, and you’re sorry to hear they’re having so much trouble but you’re sure there’s a good solution out there

How presumptuous of your MIL. She just assumed you were coming, as if you’re not a person with your own needs and plans. The issue is your husband’s difficulty in setting boundaries with his own mother. Please do not reinforce this kind of behavior. Just because she bought food for you, which you did not ask for, does not mean you owe her this weekend. As others have said upthread, this is just the beginning.

Change the locks while DipWad is absent.

OMG, OP. If your husband is this much of a pushover to his mother you are really in for a difficult eldercare situation. If they expect to take both of your entire weekend just to keep FIL company when he doesn't actually need care, then what are they going to expect when some real genuine problem does come up? Protect yourself. Set boundaries!

"Expected to" my foot. They are trying to play Rules of Etiquette on you to make you do something that is not a social activity, that was never a genuine invitation, and that you do not actually enjoy. If they invited you for dinner and you said yes and then wanted to back out, that would be different. They have ASKED for your help and presumptuously bought groceries as if you have set yes, that does not entitle them to 48 hours of your life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask your DH very specifically what he thinks he cannot handle without you. It it sandwich-making? TV-watching? Pleasantry-saying? FIL-butt-wiping? Out with it!

OP here. He says his mom bought food for me for the weekend and I am expected to be there so it is rude of me to back out.

OP, trust me, if I had to do it over again I would have just said no twenty-one years ago. My husband has always been just like yours. So worried that I would offend his mother if I didn't go with him every single time he went to his parents' house--two miles down the road. And definitely for stupid reasons like how organized she was and that she plans ahead and had done so counting on me coming. Would have helped to know that before I was aksed. In any event, I started a pattern that I couldn't break. Say no now, set a standarnd and some boundaries. It's not 1960. Men and women have very different roles. Do not set this expectation. Just say no.

Seriously! You're going to sacrifice your entire weekend and stay two nights, because she bought some food and has expectations? No. This is not a social invitation! This is her asking you for a very large favor and it is not actually needed for FIL's safety and well-being. Your DH can handle this just fine. He can even eat the food for you. Problem solved.

BOUNDARIES, OP. This will only get worse.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you should go, just to see why FIL needs to have someone there with him at age 70 something if MIL is away. You may want to assess the situation, because it really does sound like either something is up or FIL is just a total baby. I don't know which one.

Ok, but why does OP have to go? Is their son not capable of assessing the situation himself? And also, that's not the reason. OP's husband and MIL have outmoded expectations of relationships.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask your DH very specifically what he thinks he cannot handle without you. It it sandwich-making? TV-watching? Pleasantry-saying? FIL-butt-wiping? Out with it!

OP here. He says his mom bought food for me for the weekend and I am expected to be there so it is rude of me to back out.

OP, trust me, if I had to do it over again I would have just said no twenty-one years ago. My husband has always been just like yours. So worried that I would offend his mother if I didn't go with him every single time he went to his parents' house--two miles down the road. And definitely for stupid reasons like how organized she was and that she plans ahead and had done so counting on me coming. Would have helped to know that before I was aksed. In any event, I started a pattern that I couldn't break. Say no now, set a standarnd and some boundaries. It's not 1960. Men and women have very different roles. Do not set this expectation. Just say no.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask your DH very specifically what he thinks he cannot handle without you. It it sandwich-making? TV-watching? Pleasantry-saying? FIL-butt-wiping? Out with it!

OP here. He says his mom bought food for me for the weekend and I am expected to be there so it is rude of me to back out.

Hilarious. Still nope.

OP, I think you should go, just to see why FIL needs to have someone there with him at age 70 something if MIL is away. You may want to assess the situation, because it really does sound like either something is up or FIL is just a total baby. I don't know which one.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH should be able to go but chances are good that FIL is experiencing cognitive decline so buckle up and start working with a therapist because you’re going to need a lot of generosity and understanding.

+1 I have a feeling OP does not have a firm grasp on the situation.

+2

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask your DH very specifically what he thinks he cannot handle without you. It it sandwich-making? TV-watching? Pleasantry-saying? FIL-butt-wiping? Out with it!

OP here. He says his mom bought food for me for the weekend and I am expected to be there so it is rude of me to back out.

LOL. Tell him to bring it home and you will happily eat it at home. He can tell his MIL that you have things to do in your weekend.

Anonymous wrote:Ask your DH very specifically what he thinks he cannot handle without you. It it sandwich-making? TV-watching? Pleasantry-saying? FIL-butt-wiping? Out with it!

OP here. He says his mom bought food for me for the weekend and I am expected to be there so it is rude of me to back out.

First world problem OP. Good god.