Anonymous
02/15/2022 18:19
Subject: Can You Live A FulFilled Life Without Kids?
Here’s my favorite essay on the topic:
https://therumpus.net/2011/04/21/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/
I didn’t want kids for the longest time, not because I didn’t like kids, I actually really do like kids and adore babies, so some people thought that was weird. I was worried about regretting having a kid, and figured I’d rather regret not having one than regret having one.
As some point my attitude shifted, and I decided I did want ONE kid, and was lucky in that my boyfriend, now husband, was in agreement and I was able to get pregnant and have a healthy baby in my late 30s.
But, I don’t think my life would have been any less or more happy had I not had a child. I don’t think I would have felt incomplete or that my life was less meaningful. It probably would have had the potential to have been more “fun” on a day to day basis, but the reality is, I would have just worked more.
https://therumpus.net/2011/04/21/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/
I didn’t want kids for the longest time, not because I didn’t like kids, I actually really do like kids and adore babies, so some people thought that was weird. I was worried about regretting having a kid, and figured I’d rather regret not having one than regret having one.
As some point my attitude shifted, and I decided I did want ONE kid, and was lucky in that my boyfriend, now husband, was in agreement and I was able to get pregnant and have a healthy baby in my late 30s.
But, I don’t think my life would have been any less or more happy had I not had a child. I don’t think I would have felt incomplete or that my life was less meaningful. It probably would have had the potential to have been more “fun” on a day to day basis, but the reality is, I would have just worked more.
Anonymous
02/15/2022 18:02
Subject: Can You Live A FulFilled Life Without Kids?
It sounds like what you want is closure. The only thing that will give you that is digging more deeply into your own reasons and making sure they hold. For example you mention crying and tantrums. What bothers you about that? Is it feeling helpless to meet the child’s needs? Is it frustration that they are dependent on you and can’t meet their own needs? Would learning to parent in a way that you have tools and boundaries help, or not? Unpacking this more will help you know whether your reasons are reasons and not fears that may resolve over time and leave you with a different underlying feeling?
Anonymous
02/15/2022 17:55
Subject: Can You Live A FulFilled Life Without Kids?
Anonymous wrote:OP here. We have great careers, financially stable, our marriage is solid, etc. All of the things you want and hope for you have a child. That being said, we just can’t really decide. There are times when we see friends having kids or play with nieces and nephews and are like “ we want one” but then the moment is over when the baby starts screaming or the toddler throws a tantrum. It’s turns to “ I want one” to relief I don’t have to do it.
We love our lifestyle. We travel and enjoy hobbies. We love sleeping in and being able to go to lunch on a whim or go to dinner without needing to worry about schedules or kids. We have babysat many times for family and have been exhausted and so glad for a quiet house after they leave. We love them and love spending them with them but neither of us can deal with the loud yelling and constant need for attention that kids require.
We both feeling like us not having a strong desire means we shouldn’t have kids, but there is a small part that worries we might change our minds down the road. I’m 35 and don’t have a bunch of time if we want kids. We are leaning towards not having kids and I just wanted to get some perspective from couples who love having a child free life.
It’s very different when you’re talking about your own kids and someone else’s. I could not spend a day with someone else’s kids. A few hours, maybe. But a day is a lot. And it’s different when you create your family culture and activities you want to share. Not saying you should have kids, just that the litmus test for me wanting kids would not be whether I could babysit my neighbor’s kids for a day.
Anonymous
02/15/2022 17:55
Subject: Can You Live A FulFilled Life Without Kids?
Anonymous wrote:Of course you can. And it’s better to not have children if you are on the fence than to have children you resent. There are plenty of ways to positively impact the life of child. You can be the world’s greatest aunt/uncle/godparent, you can be a mentor and volunteer at schools or community centers. There is not just this one way to be a family.
People say this on these boards sometimes, and it irks me because you just don't know. As a couple who was very much on the fence (and I mean agonized over it, spoke to different people about it, etc) and then decided to have a child, I don't resent my child. I actually think it's very normal to be unsure about children and regardless which way you fall, OP, it's great that you're really thinking through the decision.
I do think couples can be fulfilled without children (or even getting married). What ultimately tipped it one way for us/me is that while I loved my childless life, I could see myself wondering down the road what else there is to life. I guess the childless couple would say more travel, more disposable income, more free time. And I really think those are all great things. It's just about priorities and values, and all of that is deeply personal. I agree with the sentiment that childless in your 30s vs 60s might feel different––for me!
We have one child. No regrets...except possibly not having a second. So there you go. You just don't know.
Anonymous
02/15/2022 17:41
Subject: Can You Live A FulFilled Life Without Kids?
I know many childless happy couples. I sometimes envy them for their free time and expensive toys (car, boat, etc.).
I wouldn't trade our lives for theirs, but kids are not the only catalyst for personal happiness.
I wouldn't trade our lives for theirs, but kids are not the only catalyst for personal happiness.
Anonymous
02/15/2022 17:34
Subject: Can You Live A FulFilled Life Without Kids?
Yes you can. DW and I are child free and don’t plan on having children. She was always anti-children for as long as I could remember but it was me who was always on the fence.
After progressing in my career and adopting to the “free” lifestyle, I now find it hard to convince myself to have them—the biggest issue is the cost and drastic lifestyle change.
I do worry that one day I’d get struck with a lightning bolt of “baby fever” but that hasn’t happened yet (even after being around friends children). And with the divorce rate and the issues that couples go through these days, I like knowing that it would be easier to get out of the marriage if we decided to split.
After progressing in my career and adopting to the “free” lifestyle, I now find it hard to convince myself to have them—the biggest issue is the cost and drastic lifestyle change.
I do worry that one day I’d get struck with a lightning bolt of “baby fever” but that hasn’t happened yet (even after being around friends children). And with the divorce rate and the issues that couples go through these days, I like knowing that it would be easier to get out of the marriage if we decided to split.
Anonymous
02/15/2022 17:21
Subject: Can You Live A FulFilled Life Without Kids?
Anonymous wrote:OP here. We have great careers, financially stable, our marriage is solid, etc. All of the things you want and hope for you have a child. That being said, we just can’t really decide. There are times when we see friends having kids or play with nieces and nephews and are like “ we want one” but then the moment is over when the baby starts screaming or the toddler throws a tantrum. It’s turns to “ I want one” to relief I don’t have to do it.
We love our lifestyle. We travel and enjoy hobbies. We love sleeping in and being able to go to lunch on a whim or go to dinner without needing to worry about schedules or kids. We have babysat many times for family and have been exhausted and so glad for a quiet house after they leave. We love them and love spending them with them but neither of us can deal with the loud yelling and constant need for attention that kids require.
We both feeling like us not having a strong desire means we shouldn’t have kids, but there is a small part that worries we might change our minds down the road. I’m 35 and don’t have a bunch of time if we want kids. We are leaning towards not having kids and I just wanted to get some perspective from couples who love having a child free life.
Do you have a dog? I think you should get one and see if it's worth it.
DH and I have a cat and the idea of even a dog to have to take care of seems too much work for us.
Anonymous
02/15/2022 17:16
Subject: Can You Live A FulFilled Life Without Kids?
OP here. We have great careers, financially stable, our marriage is solid, etc. All of the things you want and hope for you have a child. That being said, we just can’t really decide. There are times when we see friends having kids or play with nieces and nephews and are like “ we want one” but then the moment is over when the baby starts screaming or the toddler throws a tantrum. It’s turns to “ I want one” to relief I don’t have to do it.
We love our lifestyle. We travel and enjoy hobbies. We love sleeping in and being able to go to lunch on a whim or go to dinner without needing to worry about schedules or kids. We have babysat many times for family and have been exhausted and so glad for a quiet house after they leave. We love them and love spending them with them but neither of us can deal with the loud yelling and constant need for attention that kids require.
We both feeling like us not having a strong desire means we shouldn’t have kids, but there is a small part that worries we might change our minds down the road. I’m 35 and don’t have a bunch of time if we want kids. We are leaning towards not having kids and I just wanted to get some perspective from couples who love having a child free life.
We love our lifestyle. We travel and enjoy hobbies. We love sleeping in and being able to go to lunch on a whim or go to dinner without needing to worry about schedules or kids. We have babysat many times for family and have been exhausted and so glad for a quiet house after they leave. We love them and love spending them with them but neither of us can deal with the loud yelling and constant need for attention that kids require.
We both feeling like us not having a strong desire means we shouldn’t have kids, but there is a small part that worries we might change our minds down the road. I’m 35 and don’t have a bunch of time if we want kids. We are leaning towards not having kids and I just wanted to get some perspective from couples who love having a child free life.
Anonymous
02/15/2022 17:07
Subject: Can You Live A FulFilled Life Without Kids?
Anonymous wrote:Um, definitely the strangest response on hereAnonymous wrote:Yes, but don't attach yourself to your nieces and nephews and try to be the cool aunt/uncle/parent figure. You aren't raising or supporting them. It seems like these kinds of people want all the benefits/fun of kids without the sacrifice.
Right? It's great for kids to have aunts and uncles who love them and are involved in their lives! As long as you don't try to undermine the actual parents, go ahead and be the cool aunt!
Anonymous
02/15/2022 17:06
Subject: Can You Live A FulFilled Life Without Kids?
Anonymous wrote:I know many couples that are childless by choice. They are all happy and fulfilled.
+1
The couples I know who didn't have children by choice all seem pretty happy and fulfilled. They have hobbies they like, friends and family they spend time with, and often have some volunteer work or the like that they can spend a fair amount of time on.
Anonymous
02/15/2022 17:04
Subject: Can You Live A FulFilled Life Without Kids?
Childless by choice and extremely happy and fulfilled. But I agree with the PP who pointed out that 'if you need to ask'... I never thought about it this way, and was never on the fence. Just knew that was the right choice for me and the life I wanted for myself. Partner felt same.
Anonymous
02/15/2022 15:49
Subject: Can You Live A FulFilled Life Without Kids?
Anonymous wrote:Yes, but don't attach yourself to your nieces and nephews and try to be the cool aunt/uncle/parent figure. You aren't raising or supporting them. It seems like these kinds of people want all the benefits/fun of kids without the sacrifice.
No one else should be trying to parent your child, agreed. But you don't want them to have loving relationships with you or your spouse's siblings? That is weird. I am absolutely close to may aunts and uncles and that didn't start when I was an adult that started because they put in time with me as a kid and though I love them all, the one who doesn't have a kid is the best of the bunch if I am honest.
Anonymous
02/15/2022 15:45
Subject: Can You Live A FulFilled Life Without Kids?
Um, definitely the strangest response on hereAnonymous wrote:Yes, but don't attach yourself to your nieces and nephews and try to be the cool aunt/uncle/parent figure. You aren't raising or supporting them. It seems like these kinds of people want all the benefits/fun of kids without the sacrifice.
Anonymous
02/15/2022 15:35
Subject: Can You Live A FulFilled Life Without Kids?
OP, please don't have children because you want someone to care for you when you age.
That said, my mom is gone but I still keep in touch with many of her friends who were part of our "village" when I grew up. They loved and cared for little me, helped adult me with my mom when she and I needed it, and now I make sure they are cared for as they are ages 70 and older and starting to decline.
That said, my mom is gone but I still keep in touch with many of her friends who were part of our "village" when I grew up. They loved and cared for little me, helped adult me with my mom when she and I needed it, and now I make sure they are cared for as they are ages 70 and older and starting to decline.
Anonymous
02/15/2022 15:34
Subject: Re:Can You Live A FulFilled Life Without Kids?
Make sure you are truly in the same page. I’ve known couples that split later down the road because one decided at an older date they wanted children. Either one didn’t or one couldn’t - hence the divorce.