Anonymous
Post 01/27/2022 08:50     Subject: When you can’t agree on having another child
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:When DH and I married we agreed that we wanted 2-3 kids, but after we had our first, who is now 4, DH decided that it was more work than he anticipated and he does not want another. He is great with our daughter overall, but does not want to do it again. We both have siblings we are close to, and what makes this even harder for me is that I have a chronic illness that will mean I need care when I am older, and possibly won’t live as long as I could without this illness - so I really hate our DD to not have a sibling to help deal with all of this, even if there is no guarantee that they are close. DH is also 8 years older than I am.

We have already seen a couples therapist twice but DH thought it was a total waste and having another child isn’t something you do for someone else when it’s really not what you want. At this point it seems like I have no other choice than to let it go and be happy with our one, since I won’t just get pregnant and see what happens.

Has anyone else been in this situation and have any advice to offer? How did you cope with not having another child and letting go of it?

What exactly was “more work” than he anticipated?


OP??
Anonymous
Post 01/27/2022 08:50     Subject: Re:When you can’t agree on having another child
Anonymous wrote:I sympathize with your situation. Be aware that everyone here is going to tell you that "the no vote wins" and you need to drop it and that you should be content with the one child that you have.

However, my unpopular opinion is that you should not drop it so easily. Your feelings on this are equally valid as his. And, he is the one who has changed his mind. You entered this marriage expecting to have 2-3 children.

I think ultimately it comes down what type of person your DH is and what relationship you have. Many men are quite obstinate in their views, expect their spouse to generally go along with their decisions, and would greatly resent feeling pressured into having another. There are some men who are more flexible in their thinking, and can be persuaded by their wives. What is the real consequence for you if you continue to bring it up? Do you think he would leave you over pushing the issue? Why not keep trying. I would also remind him that you entered into this marriage with the expectation of having 2-3 kids, if you have not already.

Finally, I do think that you need to separate the issue of your health issues and you child(ren) taking care of you. You could have 1 child or 4 children and there is still no guarantee that they will step up to care you for in old age. Good luck.


I'd be careful with this approach. It may mean that *you* will be held to some standard that no longer serves you.
Anonymous
Post 01/27/2022 08:49     Subject: When you can’t agree on having another child
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why did he LIE to her?
Was he shocked to learn he might need to change a poopie diaper???


He didn't lie. He changed his mind. It happens.

Sounds to me like he tricked her into marriage. Scum.


People don't know it's like to have kids till you have one.


I don’t understand why people are so offended at the idea that he could change his mind again? This is not a guy who decided to be childfree, this is a guy who went into marriage saying he would 2 or 3 kids. Also, if his wife can’t talk to him about this, what’s the point of being married and having a partner? I really don’t understand the outrage at the suggestion that she should keep talking to her husband and convince him that their original plan was a good one.
Anonymous
Post 01/27/2022 08:45     Subject: When you can’t agree on having another child
Anonymous wrote:I posted earlier. Op, you probably can’t change his mind, but I would argue that the person saying no needs to know/feel/express that having a second kid will have as big a negative impact (bigger, actually) on his/her life as NOT having another one will have on your life. Because I’m most cases, people don’t regret the baby once it arrives. There are exceptions, though.


You cannot possibly know whether your first statement is true. It’s so arrogant to think so.
Anonymous
Post 01/27/2022 08:44     Subject: When you can’t agree on having another child
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Isn't this when women "accidentally" have kids?


Please don't do this.

Honestly I think it's great that your husband cares enough about you and your family to communicate with you about what he's capable of handling.

It's okay to mourn the loss of this idea of family that you had. It's okay to be sad.


Agree with all of this. You’ve been to couples therapy twice; have you tried individual therapy to help you let go?

I wanted a second. It was not worth trying to impose my will on him. He might have reluctantly given in, but I don’t think that would have been right.

Good luck.
Anonymous
Post 01/27/2022 08:42     Subject: Re:When you can’t agree on having another child
Anonymous wrote:It’s possible that your chronic illness is playing into his decision to stop at one. Ie he does not believe he can adequately take care of you AND two children. Are you affected by it now? Was it known when you two initially decided on 2-3 children?

Personally, if I had a chronic illness, I would simplify my life as much as possible to maintain as good health as I can. And save a lot of money to help with my care when I am older. Having a second child would make both of these goals much more difficult.


I’m curious about the illness too.

Anonymous
Post 01/27/2022 08:27     Subject: Re:When you can’t agree on having another child
Anonymous wrote:There is nothing you can do, OP. Children have to be a joint decision.

And do not ever depend on your child or children for your care. Save.



Agree with this. You can’t assume your child/children will want and can afford to take care you. That is your responsibility to plan for yourself.

I think the full time nanny option is a good suggestion if you can afford it, if that would sway him. But the other thing to think about is what if #2 has special needs? Would be resent you and your marriage fall apart?
Anonymous
Post 01/27/2022 08:22     Subject: Re:When you can’t agree on having another child
Your husband doesn't think he can handle another kid. He's presumably an older Dad and has a wife with a serious medical condition. Why would you want to increase his burden? Enjoy the time you have with the family you have.

I can tell you from my DH's experience that multiple siblings caring for an ill parent is not necessarily easier. DH and his siblings all get along but its just exhausting dealing with everyone's different opinions and trying to build consensus.

To all the PP who suggested he tricked OP - come on. Most people don't know what having kids is like till they have them. I always wanted 2 kids and after I had my first I decided I was done. My DH agreed and we love our small family. I didn't trick him I just changed my mind based on increase knowledge about what it actually takes to raise a child.
Anonymous
Post 01/27/2022 08:20     Subject: When you can’t agree on having another child
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why did he LIE to her?
Was he shocked to learn he might need to change a poopie diaper???


He didn't lie. He changed his mind. It happens.

Sounds to me like he tricked her into marriage. Scum.


People don't know it's like to have kids till you have one.
Anonymous
Post 01/27/2022 08:17     Subject: When you can’t agree on having another child
Anonymous wrote:Would he be open to hiring a full time nanny? I think that is the solution for the very labor intensive early years, he can kind of check out and you can get your second kid.
He can kind of check out? Welcome to Dc
Anonymous
Post 01/27/2022 08:08     Subject: When you can’t agree on having another child
I didn’t read the OP as saying she expected her kid(s) to take care of her, more that she wanted her child to have emotional support.

Your husband has the right to change his mind, but you also have the right to say that doesn’t work for you. You have the option of leaving the marriage and have another child on your own. You need to decide if being married to your husband or having another child is more important to you.
Anonymous
Post 01/27/2022 07:26     Subject: When you can’t agree on having another child
I posted earlier. Op, you probably can’t change his mind, but I would argue that the person saying no needs to know/feel/express that having a second kid will have as big a negative impact (bigger, actually) on his/her life as NOT having another one will have on your life. Because I’m most cases, people don’t regret the baby once it arrives. There are exceptions, though.
Anonymous
Post 01/27/2022 07:04     Subject: Re:When you can’t agree on having another child
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I sympathize with your situation. Be aware that everyone here is going to tell you that "the no vote wins" and you need to drop it and that you should be content with the one child that you have.

However, my unpopular opinion is that you should not drop it so easily. Your feelings on this are equally valid as his. And, he is the one who has changed his mind. You entered this marriage expecting to have 2-3 children.

I think ultimately it comes down what type of person your DH is and what relationship you have. Many men are quite obstinate in their views, expect their spouse to generally go along with their decisions, and would greatly resent feeling pressured into having another. There are some men who are more flexible in their thinking, and can be persuaded by their wives. What is the real consequence for you if you continue to bring it up? Do you think he would leave you over pushing the issue? Why not keep trying. I would also remind him that you entered into this marriage with the expectation of having 2-3 kids, if you have not already.

Finally, I do think that you need to separate the issue of your health issues and you child(ren) taking care of you. You could have 1 child or 4 children and there is still no guarantee that they will step up to care you for in old age. Good luck.


How about if she was pregnant and wanted an abortion and he didn't? Would his feelings be as "equally valid" then? Cut me a break. He wants a pre-pregnancy abortion. Fair is fair.


It sounds like you are saying that one parent's opinion on having a child is more important than the others? Please elaborate, I would love to hear more.


Sure, I'll elaborate: the parent who doesn't want one wins. Every time. Every single time.

She has another option if she has to have a second kid: divorce.


OK? I'm not sure why you are so triggered about another point of view. I already pointed out that most replies here would say exactly that. OPs husband already changed it mind once about about the number of kids, I'm not sure why it is assumed to be impossible to change again.


OP said in her first post at least THREE times that he does not want another child. So, your suggestion is she just nag him to no end until he agrees? Sure, he changed it once before, as you said, be this was after he had an actual kid and knew what having kids actually was.

Jesus.


Correct, that is exactly my suggestion. I’m sorry that you find it so upsetting.
Anonymous
Post 01/27/2022 01:04     Subject: Re:When you can’t agree on having another child
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I sympathize with your situation. Be aware that everyone here is going to tell you that "the no vote wins" and you need to drop it and that you should be content with the one child that you have.

However, my unpopular opinion is that you should not drop it so easily. Your feelings on this are equally valid as his. And, he is the one who has changed his mind. You entered this marriage expecting to have 2-3 children.

I think ultimately it comes down what type of person your DH is and what relationship you have. Many men are quite obstinate in their views, expect their spouse to generally go along with their decisions, and would greatly resent feeling pressured into having another. There are some men who are more flexible in their thinking, and can be persuaded by their wives. What is the real consequence for you if you continue to bring it up? Do you think he would leave you over pushing the issue? Why not keep trying. I would also remind him that you entered into this marriage with the expectation of having 2-3 kids, if you have not already.

Finally, I do think that you need to separate the issue of your health issues and you child(ren) taking care of you. You could have 1 child or 4 children and there is still no guarantee that they will step up to care you for in old age. Good luck.


How about if she was pregnant and wanted an abortion and he didn't? Would his feelings be as "equally valid" then? Cut me a break. He wants a pre-pregnancy abortion. Fair is fair.


DP. The phrase "pre-pregnancy abortion" is so nonsensical it's almost comical.

There is no such thing.

What a hysterical, silly thing to say. Utterly useless to OP, too.
Anonymous
Post 01/27/2022 01:02     Subject: Re:When you can’t agree on having another child
Anonymous wrote:So, you want companionship for your daughter and you want two children to have to share the responsibility of caring for you when your health decrease. Unfortunately, neither of those is a given. There are many people, including many here on DCUM who have such poor relationships with their siblings that they didn't get along growing up, don't talk as adults and don't agree on how to handle eldercare for their parents. Additionally, there are many people who have many reasons why they cannot help with elder care for their parents.

Children cost a lot of money and are a lot of work. Your husband has now seen how much work it is and has said that he is not ready to go through all that work again. Unless you are committed to raising your second child mostly by yourself and hiring out childcare help and making enough income to support that childcare help, you can't really force him to accept the cost and work that having another child will make. I know that you want it and as someone who has two children, I definitely understand your emotions, but you can't commit someone to that for 20+ years of his life against his will.

It will be less expensive and a lot more reliable for you to get a decent life insurance policy on your husband and get a long term care (LTC) insurance policy for yourself so that if you do need elder care when you are older, you have resources in place to get you the help that you'll need. We have two kids but we still have auxiliary life insurance beyond the life insurance that our employers each provide us and we have LTC care for both of us. We made sure that the life insurance policies we had were enough to pay off the outstanding mortgage on both of our houses so that if one of us passed, they would not have to worry about the houses. Each of us makes enough money individually to cover living expenses if you take the mortgages out of the picture, so we did that. And we have the LTC policies so that if either of us has a health issue, it will not cripple the family financially. The policies will help cover either in home aides or rehabilitation/nursing facility care for us. Again, the intent was to ensure that it did not financially cripple our family and did not place the burden on the spouse or the children to care for the one with the health crisis.

I'm sorry that you won't have the family that you envisioned. You should give yourself time to grieve because it is a loss of a dream and it is emotionally difficult. But unfortunately, in this type of situation, the "no" does trump the "yes". You can continue to discuss it, but your only options are to convince him to change his mind or accept the decision.


New poster. OP, I really hope you will re-read this very reasoned and thoughtful answer. You will get a lot of knee-jerk, purely emotional answers here. You will get a lot of answers trying to fuel your desire and telling you you can change his mind etc. But the PP above is truly seeing the bigger picture in a way that is very difficult to see when you are deep in the feelings involved here. I hope you'll give this PP's post consideration.

I would only add: I know your question is about the decision not to have a second child and it's not about the benefits of having just one child. But there are benefits to having just one. It's not a popular thing to say on DCUM, where there has long seemed to be a bias in favor of the idea that "Your child will be lonely/won't learn how to share/won't be well socialized/will be spoiled" etc. etc. But many parents of only children, myself included, could tell you a very different story about the positives of having one child and the way you can make that a new and different focus--focusing on enjoying and nurturing the child and the family life you DO have rather than pining for a child you don't have. Of course you'll grieve a choice not to have another child but you can actually go on to embrace and find a lot of positives in having one. That's a thread for another day but it's something to think about; a family with one child in it is as complete a family as any other -- if you let it be.