Anonymous wrote:OP - I’m in a similar situation but with different details. I’m sure I’m partly to blame, but my husband is basically a jerk to me in private as default, but a great guy outside the house. I’m still in a should I stay or should I go point. I was about to work that out with a therapist, then COVID hit and it’s just too much.

But I’ve realized I HAVE to let go of “being right.” He’s never going to acknowledge that he’s a jerk, so I just need to let that go.

So my recommendation is to see a therapist alone to talk this thru, then if they recommend it, see a marriage counselor if you think that would help. If not, see a divorce attorney.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. He’s doubling down on being an a hole. I want to be mad about it but I’m choosing to laugh to myself and ignore him, because he’s so pathetic.
He handled bedtime tonight. I went to get a pedicure and have some me time out of the house for a change.
Almost every night, even if my husband handles bedtime, in give our child a little cuddle snuggle before it’s lights out for him.
While I was gone tonight, husband texts me: “he’s crying for you and refusing to go to sleep because he expects you to cuddle him. Maybe you should refer back to the sleep training books and methods you insisted that we follow.”

A: he’s such a d*ck and trying to be rude hurtful at every turn. Cool!
B: I watched the playback from the baby monitor. Our child whined cried for about 3 minutes. Laid head down, quietly laid there and put himself to sleep within 10 minutes. Like any normal night. Exaggerate much?
C: he brags to everyone how “we” sleep trained him and how great the book method is that we used. Suddenly the much touted praised books and methods are “the things you insisted that we follow.” When all is well, we take the credit. When he has an issue, finger gets pointed at me for the blame.
D: I’m not going to let a miserable person try to steal my light and joy. Even I’m married to him.
E: at this moment, I’m thinking I’m also a maybe re: that weekend sit down to share feelings, solutions, and an action plan for us. Can’t say that I have any desire to make efforts when he’s spent the whole day being an ass.

13:06 PP here (one who is mid divorce). This is familiar behavior. It's probably not going to get better. I am much happier now that I know I am not spending the rest of my life with an unhappy person who wants to steal my light and joy.

I would recommend that you and dc just live your own life-I know you aren't divorcing yet, but you can do that even in the same house. Find your joy with your dc and cut him out of the equation. You may find yourself happy 'on your own' so to speak and that can guide your decision making process.

I'm not saying you 'should' divorce OP. I'm just saying I've been in your shoes and sharing my experiences.

Op here. We have been living completely separate independent lives over the last 2 days. He wrote me a long text today that he’s been deeply unhappy in our marriage since day 1, he feels perpetually lonely and alone, and that he’s the only one who approaches this as a partnership or team. All the things he needs to be happy in a relationship are “undermined by toxic selfishness and bs”

Can we please recall the events of the past 24 hours? He brought up an issue, mainly communication . I proposed a time place and plan to sit down and talk. His response: “maybe. I don’t have anything to talk about until you put more effort into responding.”
And he hasn’t looked at or spoken to me since then.

And I’m the one not being a partner or teammate? I’m the one undermining with toxic selfishness and bs?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. He’s doubling down on being an a hole. I want to be mad about it but I’m choosing to laugh to myself and ignore him, because he’s so pathetic.
He handled bedtime tonight. I went to get a pedicure and have some me time out of the house for a change.
Almost every night, even if my husband handles bedtime, in give our child a little cuddle snuggle before it’s lights out for him.
While I was gone tonight, husband texts me: “he’s crying for you and refusing to go to sleep because he expects you to cuddle him. Maybe you should refer back to the sleep training books and methods you insisted that we follow.”

A: he’s such a d*ck and trying to be rude hurtful at every turn. Cool!
B: I watched the playback from the baby monitor. Our child whined cried for about 3 minutes. Laid head down, quietly laid there and put himself to sleep within 10 minutes. Like any normal night. Exaggerate much?
C: he brags to everyone how “we” sleep trained him and how great the book method is that we used. Suddenly the much touted praised books and methods are “the things you insisted that we follow.” When all is well, we take the credit. When he has an issue, finger gets pointed at me for the blame.
D: I’m not going to let a miserable person try to steal my light and joy. Even I’m married to him.
E: at this moment, I’m thinking I’m also a maybe re: that weekend sit down to share feelings, solutions, and an action plan for us. Can’t say that I have any desire to make efforts when he’s spent the whole day being an ass.

13:06 PP here (one who is mid divorce). This is familiar behavior. It's probably not going to get better. I am much happier now that I know I am not spending the rest of my life with an unhappy person who wants to steal my light and joy.

I would recommend that you and dc just live your own life-I know you aren't divorcing yet, but you can do that even in the same house. Find your joy with your dc and cut him out of the equation. You may find yourself happy 'on your own' so to speak and that can guide your decision making process.

I'm not saying you 'should' divorce OP. I'm just saying I've been in your shoes and sharing my experiences.

Anonymous wrote:Op here. He’s doubling down on being an a hole. I want to be mad about it but I’m choosing to laugh to myself and ignore him, because he’s so pathetic.
He handled bedtime tonight. I went to get a pedicure and have some me time out of the house for a change.
Almost every night, even if my husband handles bedtime, in give our child a little cuddle snuggle before it’s lights out for him.
While I was gone tonight, husband texts me: “he’s crying for you and refusing to go to sleep because he expects you to cuddle him. Maybe you should refer back to the sleep training books and methods you insisted that we follow.”

A: he’s such a d*ck and trying to be rude hurtful at every turn. Cool!
B: I watched the playback from the baby monitor. Our child whined cried for about 3 minutes. Laid head down, quietly laid there and put himself to sleep within 10 minutes. Like any normal night. Exaggerate much?
C: he brags to everyone how “we” sleep trained him and how great the book method is that we used. Suddenly the much touted praised books and methods are “the things you insisted that we follow.” When all is well, we take the credit. When he has an issue, finger gets pointed at me for the blame.
D: I’m not going to let a miserable person try to steal my light and joy. Even I’m married to him.
E: at this moment, I’m thinking I’m also a maybe re: that weekend sit down to share feelings, solutions, and an action plan for us. Can’t say that I have any desire to make efforts when he’s spent the whole day being an ass.

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP - I'm going through a divorce right now and not even close to an end now and we are coming up on a year of separation. The posters advocating for counseling are 100% correct. You need to do everything you can to save your marriage and family. The counseling will be very telling and how each of you responds will give you a better perspective because there is no stonewalling in therapy. Therapy is not necessarily for fixing a marriage but really defining what is going on and if it is worth saving.

Divorce is horrible, the process is horrible. It is an all out war and things get very, very ugly. You look back and think, "My God, how did it ever get this bad with someone you used to be in love with?"

If the marriage has to end, then at least you know you tried. But go in with eyes wide open to what will likely be a very mean, costly and painful process. It does get better, but make sure you have a good therapist for yourself to help you navigate your new normal.

It's just all so very sad. Hoping you all can find peace.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP - I'm going through a divorce right now and not even close to an end now and we are coming up on a year of separation. The posters advocating for counseling are 100% correct. You need to do everything you can to save your marriage and family. The counseling will be very telling and how each of you responds will give you a better perspective because there is no stonewalling in therapy. Therapy is not necessarily for fixing a marriage but really defining what is going on and if it is worth saving.

Divorce is horrible, the process is horrible. It is an all out war and things get very, very ugly. You look back and think, "My God, how did it ever get this bad with someone you used to be in love with?"

If the marriage has to end, then at least you know you tried. But go in with eyes wide open to what will likely be a very mean, costly and painful process. It does get better, but make sure you have a good therapist for yourself to help you navigate your new normal.

It's just all so very sad. Hoping you all can find peace.

NP. At the very beginning stages of a divorce I do not want and I'm already dreadfully and sorrowfully anticipating all of what you outlined here.

Op here. I’m sorry. I hope you find peace and happiness soon.

OP, I agree that you should get into therapy and do what you can to try to save your marriage and rekindle whatever it was that brought the two of you together in the first place. Find a way to communicate with your husband so that he understands you have one foot out the door. That might be what it takes for him to get his act together.

Why are you divorcing if you don't want to? Why does he want to?

Affair; being left for the AP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP - I'm going through a divorce right now and not even close to an end now and we are coming up on a year of separation. The posters advocating for counseling are 100% correct. You need to do everything you can to save your marriage and family. The counseling will be very telling and how each of you responds will give you a better perspective because there is no stonewalling in therapy. Therapy is not necessarily for fixing a marriage but really defining what is going on and if it is worth saving.

Divorce is horrible, the process is horrible. It is an all out war and things get very, very ugly. You look back and think, "My God, how did it ever get this bad with someone you used to be in love with?"

If the marriage has to end, then at least you know you tried. But go in with eyes wide open to what will likely be a very mean, costly and painful process. It does get better, but make sure you have a good therapist for yourself to help you navigate your new normal.

It's just all so very sad. Hoping you all can find peace.

NP. At the very beginning stages of a divorce I do not want and I'm already dreadfully and sorrowfully anticipating all of what you outlined here.

OP, I agree that you should get into therapy and do what you can to try to save your marriage and rekindle whatever it was that brought the two of you together in the first place. Find a way to communicate with your husband so that he understands you have one foot out the door. That might be what it takes for him to get his act together.

Why are you divorcing if you don't want to? Why does he want to?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP - I'm going through a divorce right now and not even close to an end now and we are coming up on a year of separation. The posters advocating for counseling are 100% correct. You need to do everything you can to save your marriage and family. The counseling will be very telling and how each of you responds will give you a better perspective because there is no stonewalling in therapy. Therapy is not necessarily for fixing a marriage but really defining what is going on and if it is worth saving.

Divorce is horrible, the process is horrible. It is an all out war and things get very, very ugly. You look back and think, "My God, how did it ever get this bad with someone you used to be in love with?"

If the marriage has to end, then at least you know you tried. But go in with eyes wide open to what will likely be a very mean, costly and painful process. It does get better, but make sure you have a good therapist for yourself to help you navigate your new normal.

It's just all so very sad. Hoping you all can find peace.

NP. At the very beginning stages of a divorce I do not want and I'm already dreadfully and sorrowfully anticipating all of what you outlined here.

OP, I agree that you should get into therapy and do what you can to try to save your marriage and rekindle whatever it was that brought the two of you together in the first place. Find a way to communicate with your husband so that he understands you have one foot out the door. That might be what it takes for him to get his act together.

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP - I'm going through a divorce right now and not even close to an end now and we are coming up on a year of separation. The posters advocating for counseling are 100% correct. You need to do everything you can to save your marriage and family. The counseling will be very telling and how each of you responds will give you a better perspective because there is no stonewalling in therapy. Therapy is not necessarily for fixing a marriage but really defining what is going on and if it is worth saving.

Divorce is horrible, the process is horrible. It is an all out war and things get very, very ugly. You look back and think, "My God, how did it ever get this bad with someone you used to be in love with?"

If the marriage has to end, then at least you know you tried. But go in with eyes wide open to what will likely be a very mean, costly and painful process. It does get better, but make sure you have a good therapist for yourself to help you navigate your new normal.

It's just all so very sad. Hoping you all can find peace.