Anonymous
Post 01/18/2022 11:47     Subject: We are always the ones who spend money traveling to see in laws


Your husband needs to USE HIS WORDS AND TALK TO HIS PARENTS ABOUT THESE ISSUES.

Anonymous
Post 01/18/2022 11:45     Subject: We are always the ones who spend money traveling to see in laws
OP, it should come as no surprise that divorce can greatly impact the standard of living for children.
The unfortunate reality is that his father, who 30 years ago probably only had every other weekend kind of custody, is not likely to have the same personal or financial relationship with your DH as he does with DHs other siblings, who were raised by him.

Anonymous
Post 01/18/2022 11:31     Subject: We are always the ones who spend money traveling to see in laws
Anonymous wrote:If dad didn’t raise him, ditched his mother and didn’t pay childcare, it’s strange why your hubs feels this obligation to spend money and time on annual visits and make his wife resentful.


My guess is that he yearns for dad’s approval and a better relationship.
It’s clearly one sided. I’m sorry
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2022 11:08     Subject: We are always the ones who spend money traveling to see in laws
Anonymous wrote:When you move away from your parents, it's your job to visit them and your obligation to pay. Whether it's your in laws or your own parents. That's the rule.


Absolutely disagree. Retired people with plenty of money should make every effort to visit their working, poorer children, who have little to no annual leave. DH and I trade off visiting our parents. If his family didn't visit us, we'd go WAY less. Currently we do every other. They visit us, so we visit them.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2022 11:06     Subject: We are always the ones who spend money traveling to see in laws
Has your DH had a conversation with his dad about this? Is travel hard for them, or there isn’t a convenient place to stay at your house?

It sounds like the step mom is trying to ice him out in favor or a relationship with her bio kids. Really sucks. I think you should cut back on the visits. Plan a trip to somewhere you want to go and invite them to join. Maybe your DH can go for a weekend on his own sometime to spend time with his dad, and a big family trip every other year.

My dad has a terminal, degenerative illness and cannot really travel, so we always go to him. My ILs are both retired with plenty of money and they are in good health, so they always come to see us. I know they wish we would visit them more often, but they understand why our limited time/money is spent going to see my family.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2022 11:06     Subject: We are always the ones who spend money traveling to see in laws
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If dad didn’t raise him, ditched his mother and didn’t pay childcare, it’s strange why your hubs feels this obligation to spend money and time on annual visits and make his wife resentful.


Maybe they were hoping to get on the gravy train but that isn't looking very likely. It's ok to just say no.


There are a lot of cruel responses on this thread.

It’s kind of interesting to see how the unfavored children are treated. At the same time that people defend the dad’s right to give his other children a lot of money and gifts, they berate the OP for even thinking that her family should be treated anywhere near equally. It’s an insight into bullying mindset and why it’s so hard to change once the dynamic is set.

It sounds like this is the FIL and stepmom they’re visiting. Subconsciously I think that your husband knows that if he stops making an effort his dad will be content to let the relationship fade. The stepmom is probably quietly waiting for this to happen. He doesn’t want to see the obvious and he’s been conditioned to accept being treated as less than his entire life. I feel for him. Coming to terms that your parent doesn’t care about you is tough.

I think it’s best to make a case for skipping a visit a year at a time. It’s less painful that way for your husband.



OP never once mentioned she even liked these people it's all about the money. What they are spending and what they aren't getting. Gross.


I like them fine. They are there and we have a cordial, surface level relationship. There isn't much to say. They aren't really interested in us or the kids and even when we do visit, there's not much quality time they spend with the kids but that's to be expected I guess if you're not used to small children being around.


Why do you keep imposing yourselves on these people? Their actions couldn't be more clear that they aren't interested in a relationship. This is a problem with an obvious solution.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2022 11:04     Subject: We are always the ones who spend money traveling to see in laws
Anonymous wrote:OP, where is your DH's mother in all this? Do you see her as a family? Does she live near the FIL and stepMIL?


Yes, we are close with her and she is very close with our children.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2022 11:03     Subject: We are always the ones who spend money traveling to see in laws
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If dad didn’t raise him, ditched his mother and didn’t pay childcare, it’s strange why your hubs feels this obligation to spend money and time on annual visits and make his wife resentful.


Maybe they were hoping to get on the gravy train but that isn't looking very likely. It's ok to just say no.


There are a lot of cruel responses on this thread.

It’s kind of interesting to see how the unfavored children are treated. At the same time that people defend the dad’s right to give his other children a lot of money and gifts, they berate the OP for even thinking that her family should be treated anywhere near equally. It’s an insight into bullying mindset and why it’s so hard to change once the dynamic is set.

It sounds like this is the FIL and stepmom they’re visiting. Subconsciously I think that your husband knows that if he stops making an effort his dad will be content to let the relationship fade. The stepmom is probably quietly waiting for this to happen. He doesn’t want to see the obvious and he’s been conditioned to accept being treated as less than his entire life. I feel for him. Coming to terms that your parent doesn’t care about you is tough.

I think it’s best to make a case for skipping a visit a year at a time. It’s less painful that way for your husband.



OP never once mentioned she even liked these people it's all about the money. What they are spending and what they aren't getting. Gross.


I like them fine. They are there and we have a cordial, surface level relationship. There isn't much to say. They aren't really interested in us or the kids and even when we do visit, there's not much quality time they spend with the kids but that's to be expected I guess if you're not used to small children being around.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2022 11:01     Subject: We are always the ones who spend money traveling to see in laws
Anonymous wrote:When you move away from your parents, it's your job to visit them and your obligation to pay. Whether it's your in laws or your own parents. That's the rule.


Rule? By who?
That's bizarre. No one lives in the place he grew up, in-laws or siblings.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2022 11:00     Subject: We are always the ones who spend money traveling to see in laws
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don't believe this totally lopsided, DH never got a dime, woe is me story. Sorry. Another troll.


DH has a different mom and grew up LMC. Siblings grew up entirely different situation. His dad never even divorced the mom until he remarried so he wouldn’t be on the line for child support. Siblings grew up UC in multi million dollar mansion and prep school. He grew up in dicey rentals in another state but got a full ride to college and took out a loan for incidentals. His dad is loving but he certainly got the short end of the stick.


So theres's a lot more to the story. Getting a "full ride" means he didn't put himself through college. Who exactly are you visiting Step-mother in law and FIL, or MIL? Kind of some key details left out, no?


Getting a full sports scholarship that covered room and board as well + taking out loans for spending $ does mean he put himself through college in my books. How would you define it otherwise? D1 sports is basically a job in college (football), training combined with classes is basically a full time schedule.

SMIL + FIL.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2022 10:57     Subject: We are always the ones who spend money traveling to see in laws
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If dad didn’t raise him, ditched his mother and didn’t pay childcare, it’s strange why your hubs feels this obligation to spend money and time on annual visits and make his wife resentful.


Maybe they were hoping to get on the gravy train but that isn't looking very likely. It's ok to just say no.


There are a lot of cruel responses on this thread.

It’s kind of interesting to see how the unfavored children are treated. At the same time that people defend the dad’s right to give his other children a lot of money and gifts, they berate the OP for even thinking that her family should be treated anywhere near equally. It’s an insight into bullying mindset and why it’s so hard to change once the dynamic is set.

It sounds like this is the FIL and stepmom they’re visiting. Subconsciously I think that your husband knows that if he stops making an effort his dad will be content to let the relationship fade. The stepmom is probably quietly waiting for this to happen. He doesn’t want to see the obvious and he’s been conditioned to accept being treated as less than his entire life. I feel for him. Coming to terms that your parent doesn’t care about you is tough.

I think it’s best to make a case for skipping a visit a year at a time. It’s less painful that way for your husband.



OP never once mentioned she even liked these people it's all about the money. What they are spending and what they aren't getting. Gross.


Thank you for the example of how the unfavored child can’t win.

The mere suggestion that they get treated similarly to siblings is “gross.” You are right though. You can’t make a parent care about their child. Trying to be good enough never works and all your efforts will be for naught.



His dead beat dad has always been a dead beat and still is. What else is there to say? He isn't going to change.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2022 10:54     Subject: We are always the ones who spend money traveling to see in laws
When you move away from your parents, it's your job to visit them and your obligation to pay. Whether it's your in laws or your own parents. That's the rule.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2022 10:51     Subject: We are always the ones who spend money traveling to see in laws
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If dad didn’t raise him, ditched his mother and didn’t pay childcare, it’s strange why your hubs feels this obligation to spend money and time on annual visits and make his wife resentful.


Maybe they were hoping to get on the gravy train but that isn't looking very likely. It's ok to just say no.


There are a lot of cruel responses on this thread.

It’s kind of interesting to see how the unfavored children are treated. At the same time that people defend the dad’s right to give his other children a lot of money and gifts, they berate the OP for even thinking that her family should be treated anywhere near equally. It’s an insight into bullying mindset and why it’s so hard to change once the dynamic is set.

It sounds like this is the FIL and stepmom they’re visiting. Subconsciously I think that your husband knows that if he stops making an effort his dad will be content to let the relationship fade. The stepmom is probably quietly waiting for this to happen. He doesn’t want to see the obvious and he’s been conditioned to accept being treated as less than his entire life. I feel for him. Coming to terms that your parent doesn’t care about you is tough.

I think it’s best to make a case for skipping a visit a year at a time. It’s less painful that way for your husband.



OP never once mentioned she even liked these people it's all about the money. What they are spending and what they aren't getting. Gross.


Thank you for the example of how the unfavored child can’t win.

The mere suggestion that they get treated similarly to siblings is “gross.” You are right though. You can’t make a parent care about their child. Trying to be good enough never works and all your efforts will be for naught.

Anonymous
Post 01/18/2022 10:36     Subject: We are always the ones who spend money traveling to see in laws
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If dad didn’t raise him, ditched his mother and didn’t pay childcare, it’s strange why your hubs feels this obligation to spend money and time on annual visits and make his wife resentful.


Maybe they were hoping to get on the gravy train but that isn't looking very likely. It's ok to just say no.


There are a lot of cruel responses on this thread.

It’s kind of interesting to see how the unfavored children are treated. At the same time that people defend the dad’s right to give his other children a lot of money and gifts, they berate the OP for even thinking that her family should be treated anywhere near equally. It’s an insight into bullying mindset and why it’s so hard to change once the dynamic is set.

It sounds like this is the FIL and stepmom they’re visiting. Subconsciously I think that your husband knows that if he stops making an effort his dad will be content to let the relationship fade. The stepmom is probably quietly waiting for this to happen. He doesn’t want to see the obvious and he’s been conditioned to accept being treated as less than his entire life. I feel for him. Coming to terms that your parent doesn’t care about you is tough.

I think it’s best to make a case for skipping a visit a year at a time. It’s less painful that way for your husband.



OP never once mentioned she even liked these people it's all about the money. What they are spending and what they aren't getting. Gross.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2022 10:27     Subject: We are always the ones who spend money traveling to see in laws
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If dad didn’t raise him, ditched his mother and didn’t pay childcare, it’s strange why your hubs feels this obligation to spend money and time on annual visits and make his wife resentful.


Maybe they were hoping to get on the gravy train but that isn't looking very likely. It's ok to just say no.


There are a lot of cruel responses on this thread.

It’s kind of interesting to see how the unfavored children are treated. At the same time that people defend the dad’s right to give his other children a lot of money and gifts, they berate the OP for even thinking that her family should be treated anywhere near equally. It’s an insight into bullying mindset and why it’s so hard to change once the dynamic is set.

It sounds like this is the FIL and stepmom they’re visiting. Subconsciously I think that your husband knows that if he stops making an effort his dad will be content to let the relationship fade. The stepmom is probably quietly waiting for this to happen. He doesn’t want to see the obvious and he’s been conditioned to accept being treated as less than his entire life. I feel for him. Coming to terms that your parent doesn’t care about you is tough.

I think it’s best to make a case for skipping a visit a year at a time. It’s less painful that way for your husband.