Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I, too, insisted on activities when he was younger and he did them - soccer, band, debate in middle school. Ninth grade he did not make the Hs soccer team, fine he moved to a rec team vs other kids who didn’t make the team threw themselves into club to hopefully make the team as 10th graders. He also did band but wasn’t interested in debate in HS, nor any other club, but he was doing band, taking instrument lessons and playing rec soccer. As others have encouraged me above, we let him be him. Pandemic hit and instrument and band went remote, which made it not fun and he dropped it. His soccer team didn’t play for the whole pandemic 2020-21 school year, although it started up again last fall and he rejoined and that is now his one activity. Lots of kids pivoted to a variety of online clubs, kept up with instruments and sports, etc all of last year but my kid kind of just shut down and stayed in his own shell (he’s fine, just kind of went to ground as he us an introvert anyway). So now as a junior he is extremely reluctant to get involved with any new club- we urged him last fall but honestly he was doing his beat to readjust to being in person in school with heavy junior year workload. These are not excuses, I know many many kids kept up with their activities, but I am explaining why it isn’t as simple as “he should have been involved in activities when he was younger.”

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just FYI, I was shocked when my current freshman arrived at school ready to join a bunch of clubs and activities and it was very difficult to get a spot even in the more obscure clubs.

So that’s something you may want to look into - how many clubs are open to all and unlimited.

Wow, never thought of it. Would you be willing to share which school?

Anonymous wrote:My kids went to a small SLAC. One is very outgoing, and made loads of friends. They shy kid joined a lot of activities, including running for student government, so met a lot of people that way. The small size of the school made all the clubs, sports and activities accessible, and the lack of hugely competitive kids at the school made it easier for a shy, awkward kid to feel comfortable. Not a top school by any means, but very friendly. My kids did fine there, and are in top grad programs, so it was worth it for them to have time to grow in a non-competitive environment.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"My son is shy and a mama's boy. He went to Stanford. His strategy was to let the extroverted kids pull him into their orbit, and he dipped a toe in until he found the kids he liked, and then made friends with them. He also found study groups to be a great way to make friends."

This works at a place like Stanford, at least when the kid is willing to be lured out. (I'm a grad.) The freshman houses are set up with a high staff: resident ratio to make sure that this happens. And many of the majors become social spaces too. Kids used to hang out in the office of my major and socialized a lot through that circle. You really don't need to join a formal club to have a social life in that setting, especially since so much social stuff happens in your house. (A house is about 60-90 students within a larger dorm of several hundred students.) They take residential life VERY seriously there. Everything is set up to make sure you succeed. After they've selected somebody out of the thousands who applied, they're extremely invested in making sure you do well. I have very close friends who worked in admissions there, and they definitely screen for people who want to be a part of the community, so the openness described by PP of her son to being pulled "into their orbit" was key to him getting admitted. They don't want people who aren't open to that.

I definitely think this is not the case at the large public schools like Michigan or UT Austin. When my brother was preparing to be a freshman at UT, I had to help him find an apartment near campus. It was clear that he'd be totally on his own without anybody from the school making him their priority. We visited various group houses and apartment buildings that we found out about on various community bulletin boards. (This was pre-internet.) It seemed so lonely and cold-hearted to me, given what I'd experienced as a freshman at Stanford.

Well an earlier poster described a negative report from MICHIGAN. Their experiences are just as valid as yours. Sorry if it does not comport with what you believe/want to hear.

Why is Michigan almost always brought into the conversation when a negative comment is raised about large public universities? Michigan is not Texas. I suggest you leave your advise for what you know, and not what you suspect.

Anonymous wrote:I have a similar kid and was just saying to a friend that I worry he won't enjoy college. He'll like the classes, but I don't think he'll enjoy the lack of privacy/space of a roommate/dorm situation or the constant socializing. So much of the college experience is life beyond classes.

I don't know, I think college can be very lonely for this type of kid. I'm also not sure I want to pay $70k/yr for a SLAC experience if he's not getting much out of the experience. Interested in what others say.

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I, too, insisted on activities when he was younger and he did them - soccer, band, debate in middle school. Ninth grade he did not make the Hs soccer team, fine he moved to a rec team vs other kids who didn’t make the team threw themselves into club to hopefully make the team as 10th graders. He also did band but wasn’t interested in debate in HS, nor any other club, but he was doing band, taking instrument lessons and playing rec soccer. As others have encouraged me above, we let him be him. Pandemic hit and instrument and band went remote, which made it not fun and he dropped it. His soccer team didn’t play for the whole pandemic 2020-21 school year, although it started up again last fall and he rejoined and that is now his one activity. Lots of kids pivoted to a variety of online clubs, kept up with instruments and sports, etc all of last year but my kid kind of just shut down and stayed in his own shell (he’s fine, just kind of went to ground as he us an introvert anyway). So now as a junior he is extremely reluctant to get involved with any new club- we urged him last fall but honestly he was doing his beat to readjust to being in person in school with heavy junior year workload. These are not excuses, I know many many kids kept up with their activities, but I am explaining why it isn’t as simple as “he should have been involved in activities when he was younger.”

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My question isn’t so much about making friends (although I hope for that, too, of course!), but I’d love for him to try things of interest or possible
interest like for random examples- model UN club, intramural softball, campus radio station, volunteer tutoring, etc. I’m not trying to remake him, but am a believer that you get more out of life being part of a community than an island. He also needs to start exploring interests to spark potential careers/fields of
study. Hopefully someone will respond with campus environments that inspired their kids to try something new or get out of their shell a little.

Anonymous wrote:Why not embrace who he is?

My introverted son went to a big state school because nobody bothers him.

He has a few friends he eats with and watches sports.

Mostly he goes to class and plays piano.

Anonymous wrote:"My son is shy and a mama's boy. He went to Stanford. His strategy was to let the extroverted kids pull him into their orbit, and he dipped a toe in until he found the kids he liked, and then made friends with them. He also found study groups to be a great way to make friends."

This works at a place like Stanford, at least when the kid is willing to be lured out. (I'm a grad.) The freshman houses are set up with a high staff: resident ratio to make sure that this happens. And many of the majors become social spaces too. Kids used to hang out in the office of my major and socialized a lot through that circle. You really don't need to join a formal club to have a social life in that setting, especially since so much social stuff happens in your house. (A house is about 60-90 students within a larger dorm of several hundred students.) They take residential life VERY seriously there. Everything is set up to make sure you succeed. After they've selected somebody out of the thousands who applied, they're extremely invested in making sure you do well. I have very close friends who worked in admissions there, and they definitely screen for people who want to be a part of the community, so the openness described by PP of her son to being pulled "into their orbit" was key to him getting admitted. They don't want people who aren't open to that.

I definitely think this is not the case at the large public schools like Michigan or UT Austin. When my brother was preparing to be a freshman at UT, I had to help him find an apartment near campus. It was clear that he'd be totally on his own without anybody from the school making him their priority. We visited various group houses and apartment buildings that we found out about on various community bulletin boards. (This was pre-internet.) It seemed so lonely and cold-hearted to me, given what I'd experienced as a freshman at Stanford.

Anonymous wrote:Just FYI, I was shocked when my current freshman arrived at school ready to join a bunch of clubs and activities and it was very difficult to get a spot even in the more obscure clubs.

So that’s something you may want to look into - how many clubs are open to all and unlimited.