Anonymous wrote:My grandfather's uncle cut him off when he married my grandmother, a Catholic (they were Lutheran). This was all in North Dakota. His name was Knut Knutson.

(I have cousins from ND with the same last name but not the same family AFAIK--my aunt married a Knutson).

How long ago was that? In the early 60s my cousin (different family) from NW Minnesota married a Catholic and was completely disowned by her father, who was a large scale farmer and very well off (trust funds for all the grandkids except her 2 kids). Later they divorced and she returned to the family fold, married a Lutheran farmer and they were able to rejoin the family (then she divorced him when they were in their 60s).

By the 80s you would once in awhile see a wedding where there was both a priest and a Lutheran pastor. But in the 50s people raised eyebrows over my very devout (Lutheran Bible Institute grad) aunt having a Catholic has a close friend.

Anonymous wrote:That’s sad. It sounds like she was trying to do something nice.

+1

Anonymous wrote:My uncle refused to drive my mother to the airport because he was tired, he just got home from his shift at the hospital. He called her a taxi. She didn't talk to him for FIFTEEN YEARS after that. FIFTEEN.

My FIL arrived 2 hours early to a brunch at our house. We were not ready (understandably). I had a young baby who wasn't dressed, I hadn't showered, we hadn't finished cooking. My DH nicely asked his FIL to go to a coffee shop for at least an hour until we could get ready.

FIL was so, so, so pissed!! He left and came back, but he was angry, and stayed angry for about 10 years. Then he disinherited DH in his will!

Insane, but that's my FIL.

Anonymous wrote:One aunt tried to pursue her sister’s husband, who was not an entirely innocent party. The aggrieved aunt divorced him and my grandmother cut off the errant daughter. Almost everyone sided with grandmom . All this happened when everyone was still young and thankfully before any kids. The estranged aunt would sometimes come to family events but was always treated like a pariah.

Did she and her sister's former husband end up together?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry-legal and ethical are not one in the same. No idea if legal, but definitely violates ethics code.

It seems like if you’re so sure of the ethics, you’d have an idea about the legality. It makes me wonder if you’re confusing ethics with your feelings, and in “it feels to me like it would be unethical to treat anyone you’re remotely related to.”

I have served on boards to review this. We review ethical guidelines. There is something called a "Dual Relationship" and what your father did falls under that. If anyone in the family reported him for this he could be subject to anything from a sanction to losing his license. You can lose your license for something that while legal, violates the ethical guidelines of your profession.

NP- you are incorrect. It is left to the best judgement of the therapist, but there is no guideline that prohibits therapists from working with family members.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry-legal and ethical are not one in the same. No idea if legal, but definitely violates ethics code.

It seems like if you’re so sure of the ethics, you’d have an idea about the legality. It makes me wonder if you’re confusing ethics with your feelings, and in “it feels to me like it would be unethical to treat anyone you’re remotely related to.”

I have served on boards to review this. We review ethical guidelines. There is something called a "Dual Relationship" and what your father did falls under that. If anyone in the family reported him for this he could be subject to anything from a sanction to losing his license. You can lose your license for something that while legal, violates the ethical guidelines of your profession.

Similar to OP's story our family Christening dress was "lost" for decades. It was upsetting to everyone since it was a family heirloom had had been used for generations. My Mom's siblings live in the same town and are extremely close, cousins grew up together and went to the same schools, etc. My one aunt is in the hospital so other aunt runs to her house to pick something up. The Christening dress is in a framed shadowbox hanging on the wall. My aunt takes it and NEVER speaks to her sister again. Cousins all fight, etc. We don't live in the are so in touch with everyone but all so difficult when we visit.

The aunt with the creepy shadowbox dress would actually take the thing down and replace it with a regular picture if family was coming over. She had it framed for a good 10-15 years before found!

Anonymous wrote:Almost every family I know had estrangement once people hit middle age and parents die and estates get settled. In middle age people don't suffer fools well, they finally get boundaries after putting up with family with personality disorders and substance abuse problems.

This. I think the title of the post is off. Estrangement even according to research develops over many years. You may think the final event is a crazy reason, but the break up was brewing for years or even decades.

Yes, I too have noticed after parents die estrangements can be more frequent when there was a lot of dysfunction. It also truly is shocking what people do toward the end. One of our siblings tapped right into mom to get her paying for private school, medical bills, legal fees. She set up something where it was automatic so she didn't have to keep begging for checks. She was also the one who didn't want mom evaluate for dementia. I guess if mom gets declared incompetent then she is afraid people could question the legality of her new found money geisers she tapped into from mom.

Anonymous wrote:My father physically and emotionally abused me. My mom knew and let it happen, sometimes relying on him to “discipline” me when we really were just being kids. I’ve learned through therapy that what I suffered was really severe and wrong. When I had kids, they tried to play nice to see the grandkids and I felt a lot of guilt. I heard a lot of “just forgive and move on.” I only felt more sick to my stomach imagining how they could do that to a kid seeing my own kids and loving them so deeply. So needless to say, I’m estranged from them and the majority of my family who didn’t speak up for me. It sucks.

It does suck, but you're doing the right thing.

My father physically and emotionally abused me. My mom knew and let it happen, sometimes relying on him to “discipline” me when we really were just being kids. I’ve learned through therapy that what I suffered was really severe and wrong. When I had kids, they tried to play nice to see the grandkids and I felt a lot of guilt. I heard a lot of “just forgive and move on.” I only felt more sick to my stomach imagining how they could do that to a kid seeing my own kids and loving them so deeply. So needless to say, I’m estranged from them and the majority of my family who didn’t speak up for me. It sucks.

Almost every family I know had estrangement once people hit middle age and parents die and estates get settled. In middle age people don't suffer fools well, they finally get boundaries after putting up with family with personality disorders and substance abuse problems.

My dad was a violent drunk and my mom was an enabler. FF 40 years and of 5 of us "kids" only 1 of us speaks with 2 others (and NOT at the same time/NOT in the same room EVER)

My eldest sister's "excuse" was Obama wanted to redistribute her hard-earned wealth. She and her family bought guns and started dooms-day prepping. She blamed me b/c I voted for him and that's the last time I saw her or her giant clan of 3 kids, 5 grand kids and one great-grand kid. Very silly and very sad.

She has never had counseling, she carries all her grief as hatred and it shows in her tired, wrinkled face and weak, sickly body. I am the youngest and the only one to ever seek counseling- which helped immensely- and allowed me to enjoy a relationship with my mother and one other sibling.

She's also a born-again orthodox jew and says I am anti-semite b/c I voted for Barak "Hussain" Obama. They are all off FB now so I don't even get to see photos.

Very silly.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad posted some joke on Facebook that involved a reference to OCD. My cousin, who is like over 50 and was diagnosed with OCD before the pandemic, commented that it was hurtful and offensive. My dad apologized in a response comment, and then apologized to him privately. My cousin replied if my dad was really sorry then he'd delete the joke. My dad decided not to do that. So now my cousin spends a lot of energy pointedly not talking to my dad when they're both at family events.

Sounds from your last sentence like you think cousin is in the wrong, but your dad is 100 percent in the wrong here.

+1 **shole move not to remove the joke. Leaving it up makes a mockery of his apology. What in the world was he thinking?

Anonymous wrote:All dead now, but in their 30s my grandmother didn't talk to my aunt for about 2 years because grandmother thought aunt was wrong about her (the aunt's own) date of birthday by four days. Even when the parents & birth certificate proved her incorrect. My mother was telling me the story to brag about how strong willed her mother was, like it was a good thing - explains so much about my mother.

My aunt was estranged from both of her sisters including my mother because she refused to help them with my grandmother (her mother) in her old age and before my grandmother died she cut her out of the will for not being there. When my other aunt was dying of cancer I called the estrange aunt (her sister) for her to let her know about it. She decided not to come see her in the hospital and the day she died we knew she was going to die that day so I called my estranged aunt again to let her know this is the last chance to say her goodbyes and her response was "I already spoke to her 3 weeks ago". Couldn't get over such a cold response to her own sister dying.