Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Grow up. My ex h is in his 22nd year of reserves. I was the primary parent (still am). He was not going to do anything with kids when little especially. It had hardly any impact. I have always worked full time. There are 2 kids.

You are being silly: it is not like being a surgeon on call all the time. Many women do the bulk of parenting. If you expect otherwise, you should not have kids…it will be too much for you.

This is such terrible awful advice. I don't think OP should try to talk her H out of being out of the reserves, but to act like men are just lazy half-assed parents like you ex across the board and women should just accept this is just wrong.

+1 for my generation men are expected to contribute 50% and most do. This isn’t 1950s anymore. Maybe increase your expectations?

I am early 40s. Most women my age, and my cousins 8 years younger have the same experience. Men did nothing until elementary school. I solved my problem by getting a divorce. My youngest is 7. Divorce is what made him lift a finger. My friends who expected men to actually do half the work are miserable in their marriages. Some men will do 50/50 with kids and the house, but most will not and that is reality.

So, you would ask him to quit? It maybe should just dial it back. My mother learned earth in that everything doesn’t need to be perfect and she was much happier and has a lifelong happy marriage and helped my father raise healthy, well adjusted kids. The key to happiness in life is to be grateful fue what yiu have and not constantly wanting the next “best” thing.

I am the "early 40s poster"; no, I would ask him to quit. You are not getting it. OP is selfish. She should not expect that he--or any man--will do 50/50 of raising kids because most married men just won't. If she is not prepared to be a primary caretaker of kids (or any woman for that matter), she should not have kids. Her husband in the reserves is not a problem. Her unreasonable expectations are the problem.

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are getting some harsh responses but also some good advice. There are oaths you can where you can have a successful and productive career *and* your husband stays in the reserves. It will just take a lot of adult conversations about the full load and responsibilities of parenting and how to navigate in potentially a slightly non-traditional way. My DH used to travel extensively for his job while I was trying to kick my career into higher gear. We hired help, but we also had an agreement that when DH wasn’t traveling, that his first responsibility was to hold the fort down at home so that I could take my work trips, work longer hours, etc.

It can be done, but not if these choices are viewed as a zero-sum game or if you and your DH don’t have really good communication skills.

+1. You may also need to revisit conversations as the reality of kids are part of your life in regards to sick days, snow days, doctor appointments etc. My DH used to travel almost two months a year, I worked full-time with a commute, and we had no family in the area. So over time and through conversations we worked out what worked for both of us. We ended up changing daycare to one that was closer to my job than our home (which meant he needed to drive further for pickup) but that was the only way I could work full-time and handle drop offs and pickups when he traveled as well as being the point person if kids were sick and/or the delayed openings/early departure etc. He took over all medical appointments for the kids, would ask his parents to come in town and help out for part of the time when he traveled (this made a huge difference when the kids were under the age of 5), had school pickups when in town and took the second day of kids being sick or snow day etc. Job wise, I waited awhile to take on more responsibility at work until the kids were older and at some point took on a role that required less travel.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being a pilot is who he is. Get used to it.

Besides the joy and skill of flying, Reserves are a prestigious, fun and lucrative gig. Many current and former AF pilots would love such a side position.

Please get a network of sitters, drivers, and Nannies for when he’s called up. He should help and he should frontload the help for when he must leave or spend a day practicing. His pay and benefits should more than cover it. Do the math.

Prestigious? How is military anything prestigious?

Obviously, we the taxpayers have invested a lot in OP’s DH. He has a duty beyond just her as a result of that investment and his oath to the Constitution.

How is this different than DH being done other form of first responder, such as a firefighter?

OP, you are getting some harsh responses but also some good advice. There are oaths you can where you can have a successful and productive career *and* your husband stays in the reserves. It will just take a lot of adult conversations about the full load and responsibilities of parenting and how to navigate in potentially a slightly non-traditional way. My DH used to travel extensively for his job while I was trying to kick my career into higher gear. We hired help, but we also had an agreement that when DH wasn’t traveling, that his first responsibility was to hold the fort down at home so that I could take my work trips, work longer hours, etc.

It can be done, but not if these choices are viewed as a zero-sum game or if you and your DH don’t have really good communication skills.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want to ask my husband to leave the Air Force Reserve. We met while he was an active duty Air Force pilot. With the reserve requirements, he’s flying 2x per month minimum and has been called out several times to do search and rescue and support for disasters like the recent tornadoes in Kentucky. He left full time active duty because it was difficult for me to start and have my career. I appreciate the sacrifice he made. However, now that I’m ready to start a family I’m afraid the Air Force Reserve duty will mane it difficult for me to be a Mom and to still continue my career. However, I’m also afraid asking him to completely give up flying will crush him. Any advice?

What kind of career do you have that is worth for a pilot to give up his career? How many hours a week do you currently work at your job? What is your title?
What have you given up to marry your DH?

How long have you been married?
How old are you and DH?
How long ago did DH go from active duty to Reserves? How many years did he have in Active duty, how many in Reserves? What is his rank?

How far away is family, yours and his?

Not OP but...The question in bold is downright insulting. It implies that some careers are not worthy enough for him to give up being in the reserves. I'm not advocating OP's husband leave the reserves, but it's deeply misogynistic to imply that the woman must be engaged in something others deem "worthy" enough.

Just beyond amazing how posters here will devolve into "men, worthy, but women must prove their worth" thinking so quickly.

OP, I hope you won't feed this antique attitude by trying to defend whatever your career is. No one will find it worthy enough, on this thread.

I’m female.
I’m aware there are jobs one can work at all over the country and some jobs only available in select cities or regions of that industry.
I also know the difference between highly skilled specialist jobs and lower skilled jobs.
Same for highly paid jobs or low paid jobs.
It’s all supply and demand no matter how many quotas the govt or activists will try to conjur up.

You make $50k as a flight attendant, teacher, nurse, or entry accountant. All different lifestyles and paths.

I would never give up the reserve, at least not until he hits 20 years.(Spouse of a former AD, current reservist). The benefits are worth it alone.

Not even Big Law?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want to ask my husband to leave the Air Force Reserve. We met while he was an active duty Air Force pilot. With the reserve requirements, he’s flying 2x per month minimum and has been called out several times to do search and rescue and support for disasters like the recent tornadoes in Kentucky. He left full time active duty because it was difficult for me to start and have my career. I appreciate the sacrifice he made. However, now that I’m ready to start a family I’m afraid the Air Force Reserve duty will mane it difficult for me to be a Mom and to still continue my career. However, I’m also afraid asking him to completely give up flying will crush him. Any advice?

What kind of career do you have that is worth for a pilot to give up his career? How many hours a week do you currently work at your job? What is your title?
What have you given up to marry your DH?

How long have you been married?
How old are you and DH?
How long ago did DH go from active duty to Reserves? How many years did he have in Active duty, how many in Reserves? What is his rank?

How far away is family, yours and his?

Not OP but...The question in bold is downright insulting. It implies that some careers are not worthy enough for him to give up being in the reserves. I'm not advocating OP's husband leave the reserves, but it's deeply misogynistic to imply that the woman must be engaged in something others deem "worthy" enough.

Just beyond amazing how posters here will devolve into "men, worthy, but women must prove their worth" thinking so quickly.

OP, I hope you won't feed this antique attitude by trying to defend whatever your career is. No one will find it worthy enough, on this thread.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you made a poor choice in a life partner - not that anything is wrong with either of you. Love isn't enough for a successful relationship. There is nothing in your OP that is a showstopper for having kids. Zillions of people have to juggle schedules and childcare. Your DH being in the USAF Reserves is not the problem. You are.

Wow! I am gobsmacked. Someone on DCUM telling another woman like it is!

NP. But what actual advice does that PP offer? None, zero, zip. Not useful except to make the PP feel cool for telling off OP. Same goes for you, PP above. What do you actually advise, or are you just happy to come along and pile on OP? OP seems pretty naive but that doesn't make her "the problem."

OP needs to have real, grown-up communication with the DH and they need to do as another actually useful PP noted: The DH needs to take on responsibility alongside OP for things like child care coverage, chores that keep the household running etc., if he wants to have children. It's what adults do, but OP needs to recognize that she and her DH must talk like adults and do some serious planning -- not just let things happen. I'm copying that one solid, serious post here, so OP, read this again:

I don’t think he needs to give it up, but I do think the onus is on him to arrange for alternate childcare when he has to leave. So he needs to be setting up interviews with sitters and nannies, and be the one to call them and arrange things when he has to go. Also to handle his chores while he’s gone, so things like preparing extra meals and freezing them for you, cleaning the house before he goes, etc.

I’d lay out expectations beforehand and make sure he comes up with a solid plan before kids arrive. It’ll be easy for him to agree to it but then not really know what to do, or not follow through.

OP, I'd add: This is not as black and white as "either he gives up the reserves or I give up on my career and/or a child." You can find a balance but he does need to be on board. A solid plan that you both stick to. He needs to hear that you value his service and you know flying is part of how he defines himself, but you also value your career and it's part of how YOU define yourself, and that's -- to be blunt -- equally valid. (That won't be popular here on this thread but so what.) You and he need to talk as equal partners. And I refer you back to the post in bold above. Be intentional and make a plan--both of you. He doesn't have to quit but he should WANT to work with you as a team so you too have career goals and both of you have family goals.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Grow up. My ex h is in his 22nd year of reserves. I was the primary parent (still am). He was not going to do anything with kids when little especially. It had hardly any impact. I have always worked full time. There are 2 kids.

You are being silly: it is not like being a surgeon on call all the time. Many women do the bulk of parenting. If you expect otherwise, you should not have kids…it will be too much for you.

This is such terrible awful advice. I don't think OP should try to talk her H out of being out of the reserves, but to act like men are just lazy half-assed parents like you ex across the board and women should just accept this is just wrong.

+1 for my generation men are expected to contribute 50% and most do. This isn’t 1950s anymore. Maybe increase your expectations?

I am early 40s. Most women my age, and my cousins 8 years younger have the same experience. Men did nothing until elementary school. I solved my problem by getting a divorce. My youngest is 7. Divorce is what made him lift a finger. My friends who expected men to actually do half the work are miserable in their marriages. Some men will do 50/50 with kids and the house, but most will not and that is reality.

Agree. Even seen this with my divorced coworkers. They never tried to be there for their kids after school, at games, summer or even when physically vacations (they’d work and email a lot). Then they had to do 50/50 and half gave up and went to 80-90% and the other half finally started being a coparent.
The ones with older kids or teens didn’t do much tho, unclear why someone said they are more involved after elementary school, they didn’t change.

You married bums. All there is to it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Grow up. My ex h is in his 22nd year of reserves. I was the primary parent (still am). He was not going to do anything with kids when little especially. It had hardly any impact. I have always worked full time. There are 2 kids.

You are being silly: it is not like being a surgeon on call all the time. Many women do the bulk of parenting. If you expect otherwise, you should not have kids…it will be too much for you.

This is such terrible awful advice. I don't think OP should try to talk her H out of being out of the reserves, but to act like men are just lazy half-assed parents like you ex across the board and women should just accept this is just wrong.

+1 for my generation men are expected to contribute 50% and most do. This isn’t 1950s anymore. Maybe increase your expectations?

I am early 40s. Most women my age, and my cousins 8 years younger have the same experience. Men did nothing until elementary school. I solved my problem by getting a divorce. My youngest is 7. Divorce is what made him lift a finger. My friends who expected men to actually do half the work are miserable in their marriages. Some men will do 50/50 with kids and the house, but most will not and that is reality.

So, you would ask him to quit? It maybe should just dial it back. My mother learned earth in that everything doesn’t need to be perfect and she was much happier and has a lifelong happy marriage and helped my father raise healthy, well adjusted kids. The key to happiness in life is to be grateful fue what yiu have and not constantly wanting the next “best” thing.

So in your world women should just settle for crumbs and be doormats. Says a lot about you.

Sadly , she is a mother and teaching her children this acceptable behavior so her son will grow up thinking he is entitled to be a boor with no duty to his family or household and her daughter will think this is just the way it is and she better accept it. Sad to be that effed up in the head.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Grow up. My ex h is in his 22nd year of reserves. I was the primary parent (still am). He was not going to do anything with kids when little especially. It had hardly any impact. I have always worked full time. There are 2 kids.

You are being silly: it is not like being a surgeon on call all the time. Many women do the bulk of parenting. If you expect otherwise, you should not have kids…it will be too much for you.

This is such terrible awful advice. I don't think OP should try to talk her H out of being out of the reserves, but to act like men are just lazy half-assed parents like you ex across the board and women should just accept this is just wrong.

+1 for my generation men are expected to contribute 50% and most do. This isn’t 1950s anymore. Maybe increase your expectations?

I am early 40s. Most women my age, and my cousins 8 years younger have the same experience. Men did nothing until elementary school. I solved my problem by getting a divorce. My youngest is 7. Divorce is what made him lift a finger. My friends who expected men to actually do half the work are miserable in their marriages. Some men will do 50/50 with kids and the house, but most will not and that is reality.

Agree. Even seen this with my divorced coworkers. They never tried to be there for their kids after school, at games, summer or even when physically vacations (they’d work and email a lot). Then they had to do 50/50 and half gave up and went to 80-90% and the other half finally started being a coparent.
The ones with older kids or teens didn’t do much tho, unclear why someone said they are more involved after elementary school, they didn’t change.

Anonymous wrote:I want to ask my husband to leave the Air Force Reserve. We met while he was an active duty Air Force pilot. With the reserve requirements, he’s flying 2x per month minimum and has been called out several times to do search and rescue and support for disasters like the recent tornadoes in Kentucky. He left full time active duty because it was difficult for me to start and have my career. I appreciate the sacrifice he made. However, now that I’m ready to start a family I’m afraid the Air Force Reserve duty will mane it difficult for me to be a Mom and to still continue my career. However, I’m also afraid asking him to completely give up flying will crush him. Any advice?

What kind of career do you have that is worth for a pilot to give up his career? How many hours a week do you currently work at your job? What is your title?
What have you given up to marry your DH?

How long have you been married?
How old are you and DH?
How long ago did DH go from active duty to Reserves? How many years did he have in Active duty, how many in Reserves? What is his rank?

How far away is family, yours and his?