Anonymous wrote:My DB got married a couple years ago, he and his wife are both in their 40s, they make very good incomes with very good retirement benefits. SIL was raised by a single mom with modest means who now lives with one of her sons, my parents are much wealthier. I guess because they have money, and because my sibs and I all do pretty well, they don't bat an eye at asking for more expensive birthday gifts, such as a new phone or computer, but they only ask when their existing one is dying or broken, they are by no means extravagant.

Cutting to the chase, my mom's been needing a new laptop for a while and I suggested to my two sibs that they split the cost of one while I get a separate, more expensive gift. They said okay at first, but now DB is complaining that it's "inequitable" because he and SIL never spend this much on SIL's mom.

DB is his own person and can choose how much to spend on gifts. But my parents have noticed that he's become cheaper about gifts since he got married, they can guess why, and it's upsetting to them, which is causing tension in our family. My parents are reasonable in their gift requests, they know DB can afford them, plus, they've given him over $200K (most of it down payment) in the last few years. They're wondering, after all we've done for you, you're going to balk over buying us the occasional nice gift? I know this is coming from DB and not SIL (or her mom). I also disagree with his inequity point; there's no way to balance things perfectly between the two sides of the family, every family is different etc. etc. I also think he takes for granted what a huge gift it is from our parents to us that they are and will be financially independent for the rest of their lives. Buying them the gifts they want is a fraction of what we would have to spend if we had to support them. By the way, I'm not saying that conversely, they shouldn't do anything for SIL's mom; it sounds like she's done a lot for her kids and deserves to be given nice things, too.

Sorry for the treatise. Anyway, how do I nicely and convincingly tell DB that he should be more generous to my parents irrespective of what he does for SIL's mom?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the SIL in this situation. DH’s parents are wealthy, mine are broke. I have no interest in giving extravagant gifts to either my in laws (they’re already rich!) or my parents. I have a lot of anxiety around money and just want us to be stable and invest wisely in case at some point we really *need* to help a parent. DH also comes from a culture where kids lavish their parents. Oh freaking well. Not all cultural traditions are good.

This!!! I'm so sick of hearing people on this board justifying toxic behavior because of "culture."

Anonymous wrote:OP here. LOL I wasn't expecting such negative reactions!

I will stay out of it going forward. The main reason I have gotten so involved is because this is how our family operates; sibs have always coordinated gifts for the parents, but it's such a pain now that we're all married and have in-law issues to deal with.

Btw DB is not the aggrieved party here. He's very grabby with money (which is why he's gotten $200K so far, me I haven't gotten a dollar since I finished school) yet has always been stingy. And while he doesn't want to spend $$$ on gifts for the parents, he insists that we the sibs give each other gifts for Christmas & birthday because he "feels weird" not giving us anything for our birthdays. So I said okay fine, let's just give each other inexpensive tokens(under $25). His response was "well if that's what you and your DH want, that's fine, but SIL and I would still like gift cards." Um so you buy us something that's $25, but you want us to keep giving you $100 gift cards??

Anonymous wrote:My DB got married a couple years ago, he and his wife are both in their 40s, they make very good incomes with very good retirement benefits. SIL was raised by a single mom with modest means who now lives with one of her sons, my parents are much wealthier. I guess because they have money, and because my sibs and I all do pretty well, they don't bat an eye at asking for more expensive birthday gifts, such as a new phone or computer, but they only ask when their existing one is dying or broken, they are by no means extravagant.

Cutting to the chase, my mom's been needing a new laptop for a while and I suggested to my two sibs that they split the cost of one while I get a separate, more expensive gift. They said okay at first, but now DB is complaining that it's "inequitable" because he and SIL never spend this much on SIL's mom.

DB is his own person and can choose how much to spend on gifts. But my parents have noticed that he's become cheaper about gifts since he got married, they can guess why, and it's upsetting to them, which is causing tension in our family. My parents are reasonable in their gift requests, they know DB can afford them, plus, they've given him over $200K (most of it down payment) in the last few years. They're wondering, after all we've done for you, you're going to balk over buying us the occasional nice gift? I know this is coming from DB and not SIL (or her mom). I also disagree with his inequity point; there's no way to balance things perfectly between the two sides of the family, every family is different etc. etc. I also think he takes for granted what a huge gift it is from our parents to us that they are and will be financially independent for the rest of their lives. Buying them the gifts they want is a fraction of what we would have to spend if we had to support them. By the way, I'm not saying that conversely, they shouldn't do anything for SIL's mom; it sounds like she's done a lot for her kids and deserves to be given nice things, too.

Sorry for the treatise. Anyway, how do I nicely and convincingly tell DB that he should be more generous to my parents irrespective of what he does for SIL's mom?

Anonymous wrote:Op here - forgot to say that DB and SIL can afford to give equally expensive gifts to her mom. One issue is that they always claim to be cash strapped, they are saving up for a house or something or another. But it’s ultimately about their priorities.

Anonymous wrote:I’m the SIL in this situation. DH’s parents are wealthy, mine are broke. I have no interest in giving extravagant gifts to either my in laws (they’re already rich!) or my parents. I have a lot of anxiety around money and just want us to be stable and invest wisely in case at some point we really *need* to help a parent. DH also comes from a culture where kids lavish their parents. Oh freaking well. Not all cultural traditions are good.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here - forgot to say that DB and SIL can afford to give equally expensive gifts to her mom. One issue is that they always claim to be cash strapped, they are saving up for a house or something or another. But it’s ultimately about their priorities.

Well, I think a house is a far more sensible priority than appeasing wealthy people's desire for extravagant gifts. What does all of this say about your parents' priorities?