Anonymous
Post 02/02/2022 12:42     Subject: Resentment toward husband over project that went south
OP I can understand being very upset about all of this, but this isn't your husband's fault and it isn't fair of you to take all of your anger out on him. This is a terrible situation, but it is totally the fault of your contractor. You need to work together with your husband to find the best way out of this and move on.

Anonymous
Post 02/02/2022 09:59     Subject: Resentment toward husband over project that went south
Anonymous wrote:Not sure where to post this- real estate- home improvement - relationship- but here goes as the bottom line I need help with is relationship- although help on the project issue would be equally helpful.
So my DH wanted a pool and poolhouse forever- but I’m pretty tight and don’t like buying bad investments- however he reminded me marriage is compromise and I have gotten some things and he wants this- my things btw, are more investment than just fun.
Year ago after much saving we pulled trigger / then poolhouse builder takes our 100k and literally disappears last month- We were 70% done on poolhouse but we have now learned he stole the money and forged the paid invoices. So all the subcontractors are coming after us. It’s been devasting. Not only because this sits in our backyard unfinished- but we lost so much money and all these folks are coming out of woodwork filing liens etc.
I am primary breadwinner and we buy this stuff with my bonuses.
So I am furious about this! And can’t get past my anger. I never wanted this stupid poolhouse - gave up my backyard to build it ( we have small yard)- and now it’s ruined our holidays and each day getting worse. That knock on the door as another lien is sent to us.
I feel so angry that this cost so much of our savings- and has ended up Being emotionally devastating. I’m scared and not sure what to do.
I also actually feel aggravated because we had no business with both of us working taking on this big a project - we haven’t had time to pick things and make decisions so took us forever - And now we’ll never get out from under it.
He says this is not worth ruining our family and marriage and I KNOW that. But can’t help feel so mad! And unfortunately I’m directing it at him. One side note- I feel like now he is leaning on me too much to find solution.
I also get angry that he doesn’t make the right decision and now can’t fix it! I am tired of handling it all! I know I’m totally in the wrong.


I'm sorry, OP. the whole situation sucks.

But you need to adjust that attitude. That money is the family's money and it belongs to both of you.
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2022 09:52     Subject: Resentment toward husband over project that went south
Does OP already have the pool?
Anonymous
Post 01/02/2022 15:26     Subject: Resentment toward husband over project that went south
Anonymous wrote:OP you have to fight the liens. Hire a lawyer. Depending on the state if you paid the contractor you may be okay. Some subs will not be eligible to put liens. So those will get thrown out. If they are you can open negotiations with them.

Hire a lawyer go after the contractor and fight the subs.

Next get quotes on finishing the jobs. You have to pick the pieces up and move on.


+1 - While I understand the one lawyer telling you not to sue because of the cost and eventual outcome, you need to do the necessary to fight the liens and to also establish your claim if this builder someday gets back in business. And certainly there is something criminal here? How does one steal ~100k with forged receipts and not face a criminal charge?

I think your resentment of your husband is understandable, especially since it seems that he's not proactively working to find a solution. I think that needs to be number one between the two of you - figuring out a solution. If the project is 70% complete does that mean that the pool is operable and it's just the poolhouse? If that's the case I would work together to make a list of what needs to be done and hire on my own to get it complete - i.e. - I wouldn't hire another general contractor to over see it.

I am sorry that you are going through this. It's a nightmare.
Anonymous
Post 01/02/2022 14:02     Subject: Resentment toward husband over project that went south
I would be angry too, OP. Your DH needs to step up and take responsibility for sorting out this mess. It is a mess, but it can be untangled. PPs have given you good advice. Do not pay the subcontractors. The contractor owes them. He may be criminally liable for forging receipts, so you can go after him that way. If he ends up in jail, he's not going to screw anyone else.

But get good legal advice, and stick with it. Do not do anything stupid like bulldoze the work you've already paid for! Keep your emotions in check. This is a mess, and it will be sorted out eventually. Messes can be cleaned up with time and methodical effort.

Forget about the money. If it's gone, it's' gone. Salvage what you can and move on. Do not throw away your marriage over this. Yes, I completely understand your DH pressured you into this project, but it was his dream, and now it's his mess to clean up. Monitor his progress, but make him clean it up with the lawyer's help.

Good luck to you, OP. Shit happens, and you've just got to deal with it.
Anonymous
Post 01/02/2022 13:55     Subject: Resentment toward husband over project that went south
Is there already a pool to go with the pool house? If so, it makes sense to finish it. We have a pool and I have always wanted a pool/guest house to go with it. It will add value to your property. You need a new contractor—ask around your work and the neighborhood for suggestions. A reputable contractor will never ask for the whole amount upfront but ask for partial payments after certain stages are completed with the final payment due at the end. Good luck, OP. I understand your frustration and resentment at your husband but he meant well and sometimes our dreams come with roadblocks.
Anonymous
Post 01/02/2022 13:51     Subject: Resentment toward husband over project that went south
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This is something that really should be bringing you closer together, not driving you apart. I’m sure your H feels terrible and is scared you’ll leave him or punish him in some way. You need to rally together and come up with a plan together.

Also, you need to change your attitude about money and possessions. In a marriage, it’s not your money or your backyard. It belongs to both of you equally. Also change your attitude about your H doing the “right” thing - there’s nothing wrong with wanting and working towards a pool.

I’d start by sharing your actual feelings with him with a very soft start up. “I’m not blaming you or angry with you, but I’m so scared what’s going to happen and need comfort”.


The husband pushing for a stupid investment that OP didn't want that ended up a money pit from hell is not something that should bring them together. I would get couples counseling so the resentment of his entitlement doesn't eat you alive.

You sound stupid. They agreed, they compromised.
Anonymous
Post 01/02/2022 13:10     Subject: Re:Resentment toward husband over project that went south
Anonymous wrote:OP here- we did ask about plowing it all down. Quotes were around 30k-40K due to it being fairly difficult to get to for the large equipment.. smaller backyard.
Our neighbor a financial advisor/ he just moved in- came by to ask what’s going on but anyhow- he said not to bull doze. He says that is letting emotion get best of us. He said we would be better off simplifying and cutting cost to basic - finish it- and have the investment.
Bull dozing it costs say 40k and with the 110 we put in already- that’s 150kish thrown away and still subs can come after us.

I see that point- but I’m considering it still because I feel like that’s a one week to see it through- vs months of trying to find someone to finish it and all the decisions left.

I appreciate all the advice on subs. We have decided to forward all of them to our attorney. At first we thought if we owe 3k - we can pay or fight for 300-400 an hour with attorney and then agree to settlement - on the end probably pay the same. However now that coupon subs are asking for many thousands, and my nerves at the absolute end- we’ve decided to send to lawyer.


Why would you bulldoze it? It sounds like it’s less expensive to finish it. You are letting your emotions drive a bad decision. Get a lawyer to handle the subcontractors and get any money back you can from the contractor. Hire someone to finish the job.