Anonymous
Post 12/30/2021 22:27     Subject: What makes a Mother-in-law mom?
Anonymous wrote:I like and respect my MIL, and I met her when I was 19, but I have a mother and don't need additional mother figures. I don't have that relationship with any women in my life other than my actual mom.


More or less this. I love my MIL and my own mom passed away (and I had issues with her). But, I still don’t think of my MIL as my mom. She is a dear family member that I care for deeply for. And in many ways I enjoy her company more than I did with my own mother. But still, she’s not my mom.
Anonymous
Post 12/30/2021 22:21     Subject: Re:What makes a Mother-in-law mom?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I’m with my MIL right now. She has traits that are better or worse than my mom - they’re very different women. I like that she’s a real person with me - asks me about my successes and concerns and shares hers. I also like that (unlike my mom) she’s willing and able to watch our kids a bit when we visit. My FIL is very difficult and my MIL could tell I needed a break today and asked me to lunch. My mom can’t really go out by herself anymore and didn’t do anything for Christmas this year, so it was special that my MIL remembered my favorite candy, made me of my favorite dishes of hers, and picked up a book by an author she thought I’d like.

I hadn’t seen her since December 2019. Both my siblings have their in-laws near by (my brother’s in-laws live with them a few months of the year) and I think it would be a very different relationship in that case. For example, my mom and dad show up at my brother’s house a few times a week expecting dinner. Never mind that my BIL and SIL have jobs and young kids. Also, my DH and I get stressed by the degree to which our parents judge our parenting or try to butt in or parent differently, so I’d say stay out of parenting unless asked or unless something is truly dangerous.


Pp here who wrote the above. I cared about and respected my MiL, but when our older daughter was born prematurely (she was okay, but there were stwo me challenges) and we were overwhelmed my parents just had no clue how to help. They showed up for a weekend and did things like sit and read the paper to “keep me company” when DD was days old. By contrast, when we called MiL in overwhelmed tears she asked for a week off work and flew down. She helped me figure out nursing, cooked, cleaned, gave the baby bottles so I could nap etc. That gift was amazing.


My story is almost exactly the same. My firstborn had the most horrible reflux that lasted for months, and had to be held constantly. DH was posted overseas, and I was overwhelmed. My MIL had to work on Sundays and Mondays, so she actually would fly in every Tuesday and stay til Saturday to help me. She actually took care of all the night feedings for 10 weeks! I can’t even believe it now that I’m remembering it.


That is so beautiful. My oldest had horrible reflux too and my mom helped as much as she could but not that much! Wow. My husband was home though working a lot. Gosh that brings back terrible memories! Hope your little one is thriving now.
Anonymous
Post 12/30/2021 22:10     Subject: What makes a Mother-in-law mom?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Unless it’s an underage marriage, these are two adult women who can bond over love for a man they both love in their own ways but there is no need for building child-parent relation. It was a norm because marriages happened at an early age, a 30 year old women doesn’t need parenting.


+1. And I don’t mean this in a negative way at all but we are both adults and can enjoy each other’s company without trying to create a child/parent dynamic.


Wow- I wonder whether you hit on the core conflict. I’ve always gotten on with my MIL who treats me as adult and have tons of tension with my own mother who doesn’t.
Anonymous
Post 12/30/2021 21:47     Subject: What makes a Mother-in-law mom?
Anonymous wrote:Unless it’s an underage marriage, these are two adult women who can bond over love for a man they both love in their own ways but there is no need for building child-parent relation. It was a norm because marriages happened at an early age, a 30 year old women doesn’t need parenting.


+1. And I don’t mean this in a negative way at all but we are both adults and can enjoy each other’s company without trying to create a child/parent dynamic.
Anonymous
Post 12/30/2021 21:42     Subject: What makes a Mother-in-law mom?
Mil is like a friend but not a mother. We get along well and she is a fun and interesting person. She is considerate, kind, and helpful towards me and I am the same towards her.
Anonymous
Post 12/30/2021 21:10     Subject: Re:What makes a Mother-in-law mom?
Anonymous wrote:It's gentle advising/knowing when to butt out/be quiet and advice/guidance comes from genuinely caring about you, not from satisfying their own needs.


This. Exactly this 100%.
Anonymous
Post 12/30/2021 21:00     Subject: Re:What makes a Mother-in-law mom?
Anonymous wrote:This is the wrong crowd to ask that question.


It appears you were wrong about that. I'd say more than half the responses are very sweet and positive and indicate that quite a few people have good relationships with their MILs. It's nice to know that when an inlaw thread is started that is not totally negative then the comments also come from people who have good, healthy relationships with their inlaws. Clearly there are also some comments to this thread that are negative but not so many.
Anonymous
Post 12/30/2021 20:47     Subject: What makes a Mother-in-law mom?
Unless it’s an underage marriage, these are two adult women who can bond over love for a man they both love in their own ways but there is no need for building child-parent relation. It was a norm because marriages happened at an early age, a 30 year old women doesn’t need parenting.
Anonymous
Post 12/30/2021 20:43     Subject: What makes a Mother-in-law mom?
I love my mil but not the same as my mom and I would not want to! My mom and I have a complicated relationship with my whole life and our relationships with my dad and siblings and extended family part of it! My relationship with my mil is simpler. I enjoy her company. I respect her opinions and how restrained she is at offering them. I appreciate how she raised my wife. I like how she is thoughtful about little things like saving me magazines I might like to read, and I try to be thoughtful about giving gifts to her and asking her about her life and taking good care of her beloved daughter!
Anonymous
Post 12/30/2021 20:38     Subject: What makes a Mother-in-law mom?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Never, ever try to “be a mother” to someone unless they specifically say they want you to be a mother figure in their life. I have a mother. One. When she dies, there will not be anyone who can take her place.

My MIL tried to be “like a mother” to me from the jump, never mind that I have not only a mother, but aunts and older female friends of my parents. The first step toward closeness is getting to know someone, so when she failed to see that I had a lot of women in my life who I looked to already for support, guidance and care, she was ignoring a lot of important things about me. We’ve never been close, because she didn’t start at 1 with me; she tried to start at 10.

Bitter much?


Yes, being treated not as an individual, but as Construct of What DIL Should Be has not been an easy road for me. Why you have a problem with that is beyond me, as my life experience has nothing to do with you.
Anonymous
Post 12/30/2021 19:24     Subject: What makes a Mother-in-law mom?
Mother in Law is a title, it doesn't mean you get a second mother and I don't feel that people should go into marriage thinking this is what this relationship will be.

You can build up a loving and warm relationship with your mother in law and hopefully that is reciprocal but I don't think it should be in a parent/child way.

A couple of my friends have really close MIL relationships and they don't refer to them as mothers. They are warm, loving, caring and most importantly respectful. These MIL's are just genuinely kind and loving people and they get along really well. However it is not seen as a mother type of relationship by them.
Anonymous
Post 12/30/2021 18:51     Subject: What makes a Mother-in-law mom?
There is no reason to have as a goal, to love MIL as a Mother. You need to respect each other. Ideally enjoy spending time together, or minimally it's a neutral experience.

Don't go looking for such an extreme ...
Anonymous
Post 12/30/2021 18:42     Subject: Re:What makes a Mother-in-law mom?
My MIL says she thinks of me as a daughter but she doesn’t act that way. I don’t think of her as a mother (and my mom died when I was a teenager). MIL can’t remember something she was told yesterday but she can remember something I did 20 years ago that bothered her (and she will find a way to bring it up in conversation). It would have been nice if we were closer but no one in the family is close with her.
Anonymous
Post 12/30/2021 18:30     Subject: What makes a Mother-in-law mom?
It’s wise to treat MIL as another adult because if you treat her as a mother than it messes up with personal boundaries. Even your own mother should respect you as an equal once you are one.
Anonymous
Post 12/30/2021 18:27     Subject: What makes a Mother-in-law mom?
She didn’t get along with her own in-laws or spouses of her siblings either.