Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our eldest kid is almost 6 years older than our middle child, and the baby is 3 years younger than that. Naturally we picked a school that was the best fit for our eldest. Now I don’t think it’s a good fit for our middle child at all.

Our reasons for picking a private school for our firstborn related to her personality, anxiety level, and need for a small environment. And she has totally flourished there. But my middle child is gregarious, athletic, and wild. I’m not even sure he’d get into the school, frankly, despite sibling preference. The fact is, I think he might be better suited to public school. But I am feeling really weird about only paying for private for one kid, or, who knows, the eldest and the youngest maybe, but not the middle kid. It seems like favoritism. Especially when none of them are special needs as far as we know today. On the other hand it feels weird to send the middle kid to some private school just to do it, if public would be a good fit.

Has anyone else been in this situation? What did you do? Any advice welcome really.

What you do is compensate and pay something middle child enjoys. That's what my sibling did. Paid for soccer club which was expensive but, not as expensive as private school. Keep talking to your kids and explain that you are providing different things for different kids. But, be flexible if middle child wants to try private school and older wants public.

Yeah, this sounds like the path to madness, trying to equalize spending between kids - and more importantly the path to kids counting every dollar and benefit siblings get and making it a competition and expression of love. I would NOT do this. Just put middle where fits best and once old enough make sure he knows that the option (aka money) is there is he wants to go private - the choice was and is about fit, not money.

My parents probably spent more on my brother as a kid - more expensive hobbies, private college v. my public college. But there is no resentment, because I knew I had all the same choices and could have done more extracurriculars and gone to a private college but chose not to because the fit *for me* wasn't as good. It was about knowing I had the options to find the best fit, not getting the exact same things or even exact same dollar amount.

Anonymous wrote:I’m assuming middle child is just starting school, not already in public, right? If he were older I’d say absolutely include him in the choice - lots of kids don’t actually want to switch to private school if they’re happy in their public. That’s not so feasible with an entering kindergartener, though.

As others have said, explore school options for him as you did your oldest. Visit the neighborhood school and various private options (not just big sister’s school). If a private feels like a good fit, apply. If the public really does beep like the best fit, start there. Leave open the possibility of changing as his school career goes along and you have more of a sense of what he needs. Maybe you and/or he will hate public, or maybe he’ll flourish.

I honestly haven’t met many kids who think of mom and dad paying for private school as some special privilege they’re getting. It’s just school to them. If anything my private school third grader is annoyed because she has to wear a uniform and her friends at public don’t. As long as it’s not a situation where middle kid wants private school and you say no, I really don’t think you’re creating major inequity or future feelings of favoritism. Unless of course you talk a lot about how much it costs or how private is better, or how annoyed you are by public schedule, etc.. If you don’t send the message that private is better and thus kids going to private are getting something better there’s really no reason for kids to think that.

As an elementary student, of course not. By high school, they won't stay that ignorant and by the time they are adults, they will know that you choose to sacrifice for their siblings and not for them.

Anonymous wrote:Our eldest kid is almost 6 years older than our middle child, and the baby is 3 years younger than that. Naturally we picked a school that was the best fit for our eldest. Now I don’t think it’s a good fit for our middle child at all.

Our reasons for picking a private school for our firstborn related to her personality, anxiety level, and need for a small environment. And she has totally flourished there. But my middle child is gregarious, athletic, and wild. I’m not even sure he’d get into the school, frankly, despite sibling preference. The fact is, I think he might be better suited to public school. But I am feeling really weird about only paying for private for one kid, or, who knows, the eldest and the youngest maybe, but not the middle kid. It seems like favoritism. Especially when none of them are special needs as far as we know today. On the other hand it feels weird to send the middle kid to some private school just to do it, if public would be a good fit.

Has anyone else been in this situation? What did you do? Any advice welcome really.

What you do is compensate and pay something middle child enjoys. That's what my sibling did. Paid for soccer club which was expensive but, not as expensive as private school. Keep talking to your kids and explain that you are providing different things for different kids. But, be flexible if middle child wants to try private school and older wants public.

Anonymous wrote:Also, take the feedback you get here with a grain of salt. This board has a lot of well-intentioned people who do believe private school is inherently better, which skews the feedback you get.

Yes there is a lot of snobbery on this board. Tons of good public schools out there, and tons of crappy privates. Sending a child to public school is not child abuse. Insane.

Also, take the feedback you get here with a grain of salt. This board has a lot of well-intentioned people who do believe private school is inherently better, which skews the feedback you get.

I’m assuming middle child is just starting school, not already in public, right? If he were older I’d say absolutely include him in the choice - lots of kids don’t actually want to switch to private school if they’re happy in their public. That’s not so feasible with an entering kindergartener, though.

As others have said, explore school options for him as you did your oldest. Visit the neighborhood school and various private options (not just big sister’s school). If a private feels like a good fit, apply. If the public really does beep like the best fit, start there. Leave open the possibility of changing as his school career goes along and you have more of a sense of what he needs. Maybe you and/or he will hate public, or maybe he’ll flourish.

I honestly haven’t met many kids who think of mom and dad paying for private school as some special privilege they’re getting. It’s just school to them. If anything my private school third grader is annoyed because she has to wear a uniform and her friends at public don’t. As long as it’s not a situation where middle kid wants private school and you say no, I really don’t think you’re creating major inequity or future feelings of favoritism. Unless of course you talk a lot about how much it costs or how private is better, or how annoyed you are by public schedule, etc.. If you don’t send the message that private is better and thus kids going to private are getting something better there’s really no reason for kids to think that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should be honest with yourself on whether it poses a finance challenge to continue with private. Then stick with whatever decision you make make for middle for the youngest as well.

We have a very high HHI and it’s still a financial challenge, but not determinative.

Do you have enough saved for all of them to go to the college of their choice without debt? If not, will the child in public get a bigger budget? If they all get the same budget and it's less than enough to cover private college, I think the child whose primary and high school education cost tens if not hundreds of thousands less would have a legitimate gripe.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Paying for the eldest and youngest and not the middle seems like a hell of a way to reenforce middle child syndrome

Oh please. Putting the middle child in a school where they will flourish is the best choice. Dramatic much?

Plenty of good fit privates will also address this and mitigate any future problems. I know you aren't from a perfect family either. There is a reason the stereotype (and others) exist. They will have the kids in separate schools anyway and stated money is not the issue. The right thing to do is fair and best fit for all kids - private for all or public for all; private until a certain point then public for all equally.

Why not just ask him?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Paying for the eldest and youngest and not the middle seems like a hell of a way to reenforce middle child syndrome

OP here and 100% true. If I think private would be a better fit for youngest kid later I will really have painted myself into a corner.

Hi OP- if you’re able, you could set what would have been the tuition money aside for your middle child for something else later. I haven’t fully thought that suggestion through, just throwing it out there. Does middle child seem to have a preference?

NP yes like super fancy sleepaway camp

No, more along the lines of contributing to grad school if the parents would normally only pay through undergrad, or something more along those lines. I also see the logic of a prior poster that said everything doesn’t have to be equal. Different things for different circumstances/families.

No, it should happen at the same time. A kid who sees his siblings go to a fancy school will not be mollified by grad school for 15+ years in the future. And when it’s time for grad school, the siblings will resent him and say private school wasn’t worth it, their parents should have paid for their grad school instead too.

Agree with this. Eldest might be upset that she didn’t have a choice in how her education dollars were spent, and would rather have grad school funds.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A note on something to think about: public schools have consequences for delinquencies and absences. Private schools usually don’t. This can affect schedules when start times and holidays differ. My private school student was late unexcusec 13 times one semester, and missed school, because we went on spring break on the public school calendar. No one minded, but the other way around a lot of people would have minded

This is SUCH a good point. We have been totally spoiled by private school flexibility. I would probably be very annoyed by public absence policies.

The more you pay the less they go lol

We have children at public, parochial, and at a private. Three kids, three different needs. Our child in public is thriving! He has tons of friends, does well academically, and loves playing sports for his school. We gave the choice of private and it was a definite ‘no’. We have three happy kids, thankfully! The downside is definitely the difference in school calendars.

Anonymous wrote:Paying for the eldest and youngest and not the middle seems like a hell of a way to reenforce middle child syndrome

Oh please. Putting the middle child in a school where they will flourish is the best choice. Dramatic much?

Having one kid in a “good” public and others in private (or vice versa) is incredibly common among my neighbors. If it is what is best for the individual kids, I wouldn’t hesitate.

Anonymous wrote:Why do you think your middle child is better suited to your zoned public than a private school? Just because the school your eldest attends isn’t a match for him doesn’t mean private school generally won’t be. There can be a lot of differences between public and private schools and kids do notice them, especially as they get older.

—parent who sends kids to two different private schools

+1. My kids are at 2 different privates too! Best fit for each.